Disclaimer: Not mine. Must we keep rubbing it in?
Insecure Guy
I'm an insecure guy. This isn't a recent development. I'm just the sort of person who freaks out. I overanalyze. I'm always worrying about what people think, if I'm doing things right.
I worry a lot actually. Especially at night. When my room is dark and I'm trying to fall asleep, guilt attacks. Just as I am about to drift off into sleep something will occur to me. I'll think of some stupid thing I did or a homework assignment I blew off and then I start to stress out. I think of my girl problems, the girl I caused to dump me, the girl who left town to avoid me. I worry about the future and hate that my life feels so uncertain. I don't know where I stand, even with myself. This is not an infrequent frustration. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had made different choices, if I had gone with honor over instinct. All of my stupid little choices flash through my mind like a flipbook and I can feel it coming. It. That guilty scared feeling that starts in your stomach and keeps rising until you're afraid you'll drown and as you fear you try to push the fear back and panic and soon you have to remind yourself to breathe. I force myself to take a deep breath, even though it feels like I might vomit. I clear my head of thoughts.
A knock at the door interrupts my self-analysis.
"Ryan? You up man?" Seth wonders. I invite him in and listen to him babble.
It's strange. I'm so insecure and they don't see it. Not even Seth, and if anyone should be able to recognize the symptoms of insecurity, it's Seth. But no one seems to sense my self-doubt. In a way it's kind of flattering, kind of frustrating too.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just cut Seth off one day, if I opened my mouth and started voicing all of my fears and bewilderments. But that will never happen. I'm too insecure to open myself up like that.
Insecure Guy
I'm an insecure guy. This isn't a recent development. I'm just the sort of person who freaks out. I overanalyze. I'm always worrying about what people think, if I'm doing things right.
I worry a lot actually. Especially at night. When my room is dark and I'm trying to fall asleep, guilt attacks. Just as I am about to drift off into sleep something will occur to me. I'll think of some stupid thing I did or a homework assignment I blew off and then I start to stress out. I think of my girl problems, the girl I caused to dump me, the girl who left town to avoid me. I worry about the future and hate that my life feels so uncertain. I don't know where I stand, even with myself. This is not an infrequent frustration. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had made different choices, if I had gone with honor over instinct. All of my stupid little choices flash through my mind like a flipbook and I can feel it coming. It. That guilty scared feeling that starts in your stomach and keeps rising until you're afraid you'll drown and as you fear you try to push the fear back and panic and soon you have to remind yourself to breathe. I force myself to take a deep breath, even though it feels like I might vomit. I clear my head of thoughts.
A knock at the door interrupts my self-analysis.
"Ryan? You up man?" Seth wonders. I invite him in and listen to him babble.
It's strange. I'm so insecure and they don't see it. Not even Seth, and if anyone should be able to recognize the symptoms of insecurity, it's Seth. But no one seems to sense my self-doubt. In a way it's kind of flattering, kind of frustrating too.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just cut Seth off one day, if I opened my mouth and started voicing all of my fears and bewilderments. But that will never happen. I'm too insecure to open myself up like that.