What would darling, sexy, greasy-haired, gorgeous (etc.) Severus Snape be
like…… Drunk?
One pint too many.
1 "Albus! There you are! How is everything going? Is everything in order? Are we on schedule? Are the decorations up? What about the…"
2 "Minerva! Calm down! Everything is fine! You will do perfectly!"
3 "Oh, Albus, Everything must go well tonight! If it doesn't I… FLITWICK! PUT THAT PUMPKIN AT THE BOTTOM! Oh, excuse me Albus."
Albus Dumbledore smiled to himself as Minerva McGonagall ran over to Professor Flitwick shouting orders on her way. She was a bossy woman but she was also a damn good teacher. Dumbledore hated to see her go.
Since Karkaroff fled the country last year, an opening had come up at Durmstrang School. None of the other Durmstrang teachers wanted to be in charge of the school, they were all afraid since it had become clear that Voldemort was on the rise. So the Ministry had started searching for other suitable teachers that would be capable of running a world-renowned magic school. Albus had heard that the Ministry were looking and had recommended Minerva. Which brought him to tonight. It was Halloween- the most important magic holiday of the year and the Ministry were testing Minerva. Professor McGonagall would single-handedly have to organize the Halloween feast (including entertainment) and the Ministry would be there to watch. She would be watched for the whole night and tested. The Ministry would then tell her if she was Durmstrang principal material or not. One catch- the evening would have to go off without a hitch.
Albus smiled to himself before he walked away. Minerva could make it. He was sure she could.
~*~
Bloody Dumbledore. Stuck-up cow Mc Gonagall. Fuck the lot of them!
"Another pint, Madame Rosmerta!"
Severus Snape slammed (3 sexy S's!) his empty pint glass on the bar counter in the Three Broomsticks and blinked drunkenly. It had been revealed earlier that day about the Ministries plans for Minerva. Severus had been shocked as well as extremely angry. He had always wanted to teach at Durmstrang. Sure, they were all no-brained imbeciles (no different from Hogwarts) but there was no Harry Potter there! Why didn't Dumbledore suggest him?
As soon as he had gotten the chance Snape had left the castle for a drink.
Stupid Dumbledore!
Snape took the pint Madame Rosmerta handed to him and he downed it in one gulp. (That's MY Severus!) He took the next pint and he quickly gulped that down, and the next and the next…
Snape was getting very drunk but he drank more and more to drown his sorrows.
"I'm the man! I could've done the job! But no! Who did Dumbledore recommend? Who did he recommend Rosmerta?"
Rosmerta, along with the people standing by the bar looked warily at Snape. He had gotten drunk a few times before but never to this extent. A few of the witches and wizards present laughed behind their drinks. Snape was always good for a laugh when he was drunk.
"I… I'm afraid I don't know." Rosmerta managed to stammer.
"BLOODY MINERVA MCGONAGALL!" Snape roared. "Bloody Miner… hiccup… va Mc Gona… hiccup… gall!"
Snape turned to an old wizard next to him and he grabbed the old man by the lapels.
"What do you think of that?" He asked the old wizard angrily. "I could have been principal! Do you hear that? PRIN… CI… PAL! I could have been the greatest! Professor Severus Snape, head master at Durmstrang! Instead it's bloody Minerva! I could've…"
Snape stopped talking as a big barn owl flew through the open window of the bar towards him. The owl dropped a small letter in front of Snape and flew away. Snape let go of the unfortunate wizard beside him and opened the letter.
"Oh!" He cried mockingly, a few moments later. "Albus wants me now, does he? Well! Fancy that!"
And with a bow, Severus Snape stumbled (again!) out of the Three Broomsticks tripping over his long, black cloak and the doorstep on his way out. When they were sure he was gone, the whole bar burst into hysterical, relieved laughter.
~*~
"Severus! Where on earth where you? Oh, never mind! Come on, get smartened up! The dinner starts in two hours! I… FLITWICK! Excuse me, Severus."
Professor McGonagall rushed away from Snape to attend to Flitwick. Severus stared drunkenly after her. He had just stumbled through the great mahogany doors of Hogwarts after a long drunken walk from Hogsmeade. Snape scowled at McGonagall and began to make his way to the dungeons.
~*~
"Severus?"
Snape turned around. Dumbledore was standing in the doorway of Snape's chambers.
"Are you coming to the feast?"
Snape turned back to the drinks cabinet in the corner of his room and downed a whiskey. He, if possible, was even drunker then he had been when he had returned to the castle earlier. He hadn't bothered to get changed like McGonagall had asked, he had just proceeded to get even more plastered than before.
"In… hiccup… a… hiccup… minute." He managed to say.
Dumbledore raised his sliver eyebrows and sighed. Why did Severus always resort to drink? Oh well, he just hoped Severus wouldn't do anything drastic.
"Cornelius Fudge is here! Where are all the teachers?"
Dumbledore turned as he heard Minerva McGonagall's voice echoing through the school. Showtime.
"Come on Severus, the Ministry is here, we have to take our places. You don't want Minerva to fail do you?"
Snape muttered something unrecognisable but, nonetheless, he followed Dumbledore out of the dungeons.
~*~
Minerva smiled as she saw Dumbledore come through the huge doors of the Great Hall. He was closely followed by Snape who looked a little out of sorts. Minerva pushed the thought out of her mind as Dumbledore reached her. He looked worried.
"Minerva!"
"Albus, what's wrong?"
"It's Severus. I'm sure it won't ruin your big night but he's…"
A big shout from the top of the hall made them both turn.
"Bloody Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived! Late as usual I see!"
Harry Potter had just walked into the Great Hall and Snape was making drunken hand gestures and accusations.
"Drunk?" McGonagall asked Dumbledore. She was desperately hoping she was wrong but she knew there was no way. "Albus, what will we do?"
There was no chance for Dumbledore to reply because at that moment Cornelius Fudge and some Ministry members entered the Great Hall. As usual, Cornelius Fudge was dressed in luminous colours, which contrasted greatly with the oranges and browns of the decorations in the Great Hall.
After everyone had shaken hands the teachers and pupils took their usual seats and the Ministry members sat in extra chairs that had been placed around the staff table. As usual, Dumbledore sat in the middle. Beside Dumbledore sat Cornelius Fudge instead of McGonagall. Minerva sat beside Fudge and beside her was the very drunk (but oh so sexy) Snape.
Fudge nodded at Minerva and her test began.
~*~
Dinner went off without a hitch- until the pumpkin juice was sent up.
Snape immediately grabbed the pitcher of pumpkin juice in front of him and began to drink out of it. Pumpkin juice spilled from the pitcher as he clumsily drank it. Little orange rivers flowed down his face. Snape stopped drinking, a look of disgust formed on his face.
"What the HELL is this crap???"
Snape angrily threw the pitcher across the Great Hall. As if a giant whip had been lashed, silence fell upon the Great Hall.
"What's wrong with everyone?" Snape said. "We need some music in here! Muso!"
Snape pointed his wand (Oh my God!) at a space in the Great Hall and a huge band appeared. The band started to play and instantly there was chaos in the Great Hall. Gryffindors looked worriedly towards Professor McGonagall (all students had been informed about her test), Hufflepuffs hid behind one another, Ravenclaws talked excitedly and Slytherins danced to the music. Half the teachers looked shocked and the other half shook their heads in disbelief. Both, Dumbledore and McGonagall, looked warily at Cornelius Fudge. He was not impressed.
Snape sat down again, a drunken smile on his face. He pointed at the table (Drumos!) and a large pint of Guinness appeared in front of him. Snape sat back in his chair, sipped his drink and he contentedly began to watch the band.
~*~
"Severus! Wake up! Severus! Wake up, you horrible little man!"
Severus woke up from his drunken nap. He had fallen asleep soon after he had finished his pint while watching the band he had conjured.
He binked his eyes and shook his head, trying to get rid of the bleariness. When his vision cleared he was looking into the cold, steel- like eyes of Minerva McGonagall. The was a red tinge around her eyes, as if she'd been crying.
"I hope you're very proud of yourself, Severus."
Snape looked past McGonagall. Dumbledore, who had just spoken, was standing there. He had a look on his face that said: "You've disappointed me, Severus."
"What?" Snape rubbed his eyes and noticed for the first time the Great Hall was now empty.
"What time is it?" He asked.
"Don't try and change the subject Severus! You ruined…"
"Minerva," Dumbledore cut in, "We have to explain."
"You do it, I'm not talking to him again!" McGonagall gave Snape a withering look and then left the Great Hall.
"Well?" Said Snape. "What's wrong with her?"
It became apparent to Dumbledore that Snape was still heavily drunk and he hadn't got a clue what he had done the previous night.
Dumbledore then began to explain everything that had happened to Snape the previous night.
"…And when you conjured up the band everyone went mad. And then you fell asleep." Dumbledore sighed and then continued. "Minerva and myself, with the help of the other teachers, finally managed to calm all the children and send them to bed. We came back to the staff table but it was too late. Cornelius Fudge was already gone. This morning, Minerva received an owl from the Ministry. Fudge was not impressed with the show, as you can imagine." Dumbledore sighed again. "Anyway, Minerva did not get the job at Durmstrang, although they desperately need a principal, and she was very upset. She will be remaining here with us as always."
Snape looked up at Dumbledore, a slow smile was spreading across his face.
"So, I ruined everything?"
"Well… Yes…"
"Minerva isn't going to be principal at Durmstrang?"
"No…" said Dumbledore. He was wondering where this was going.
Snape stood up and almost fell over. He was still heavily drunk.
"Muso!" Snape shouted.
Instantly, a big band appeared in the same spot Snape (!) had conjured them last night.
All of a sudden, teachers and pupils appeared in the doorway of the Great Hall.
Snape strode towards the band and grabbed the microphone.
"Minerva McGonagall FAILED!" He shouted. "She FAILED!"
All the students and teachers looked alarmed at this outburst but that was nothing to what they looked like next.
"I'd like to serenade you all with a little song!" Snape cried.
"It's not unusual that I'm so great,
It's not unusual… Guinness comes by the crate!
But when I see Harry Potter I think, what a wimp!
Something, something I am so great!"
All mouths in the Great Hall dropped open as Snape sang a version of "It's not unusual." He then sang his unique version of "I did it my way."
"I've drunk, I've sweared, I've lied,
I've scorned Harry and he's cried,
McGonagall lost her job…
I did it MY WAY!!!!!"
Slience engulfed the room as Snape took his bows.
"Oh my," Thought Dumbledore, "He is sooo fired."
~*~
Notes…
Dia Duit! I hope you enjoyed my rather strange, demented twist on Severus (Sexy) Snape. Everything in brackets was me not being able to contain myself in case you were wondering! Oh and all the (!) were because I kept on using loads of Sexy S's. (i.e. Silly, sexy Snape!)
As usual, everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and I just had to write a Snape fic because he is the BEST character!
This isn't my first fic but it's the first one I've put on the Internet so I thought it should be… humorous. (Although, I have a VERY WEIRD sense of humour!)
Please e-mail me (snapesgirl@hotmail.com) with constructive comments and criticisms- I want 'em all! If you have any ideas for stories you would like me to write e-mail them too!
Thanks for reading, see ya soon!
Slan abhaile- *Laura. *
One pint too many.
1 "Albus! There you are! How is everything going? Is everything in order? Are we on schedule? Are the decorations up? What about the…"
2 "Minerva! Calm down! Everything is fine! You will do perfectly!"
3 "Oh, Albus, Everything must go well tonight! If it doesn't I… FLITWICK! PUT THAT PUMPKIN AT THE BOTTOM! Oh, excuse me Albus."
Albus Dumbledore smiled to himself as Minerva McGonagall ran over to Professor Flitwick shouting orders on her way. She was a bossy woman but she was also a damn good teacher. Dumbledore hated to see her go.
Since Karkaroff fled the country last year, an opening had come up at Durmstrang School. None of the other Durmstrang teachers wanted to be in charge of the school, they were all afraid since it had become clear that Voldemort was on the rise. So the Ministry had started searching for other suitable teachers that would be capable of running a world-renowned magic school. Albus had heard that the Ministry were looking and had recommended Minerva. Which brought him to tonight. It was Halloween- the most important magic holiday of the year and the Ministry were testing Minerva. Professor McGonagall would single-handedly have to organize the Halloween feast (including entertainment) and the Ministry would be there to watch. She would be watched for the whole night and tested. The Ministry would then tell her if she was Durmstrang principal material or not. One catch- the evening would have to go off without a hitch.
Albus smiled to himself before he walked away. Minerva could make it. He was sure she could.
~*~
Bloody Dumbledore. Stuck-up cow Mc Gonagall. Fuck the lot of them!
"Another pint, Madame Rosmerta!"
Severus Snape slammed (3 sexy S's!) his empty pint glass on the bar counter in the Three Broomsticks and blinked drunkenly. It had been revealed earlier that day about the Ministries plans for Minerva. Severus had been shocked as well as extremely angry. He had always wanted to teach at Durmstrang. Sure, they were all no-brained imbeciles (no different from Hogwarts) but there was no Harry Potter there! Why didn't Dumbledore suggest him?
As soon as he had gotten the chance Snape had left the castle for a drink.
Stupid Dumbledore!
Snape took the pint Madame Rosmerta handed to him and he downed it in one gulp. (That's MY Severus!) He took the next pint and he quickly gulped that down, and the next and the next…
Snape was getting very drunk but he drank more and more to drown his sorrows.
"I'm the man! I could've done the job! But no! Who did Dumbledore recommend? Who did he recommend Rosmerta?"
Rosmerta, along with the people standing by the bar looked warily at Snape. He had gotten drunk a few times before but never to this extent. A few of the witches and wizards present laughed behind their drinks. Snape was always good for a laugh when he was drunk.
"I… I'm afraid I don't know." Rosmerta managed to stammer.
"BLOODY MINERVA MCGONAGALL!" Snape roared. "Bloody Miner… hiccup… va Mc Gona… hiccup… gall!"
Snape turned to an old wizard next to him and he grabbed the old man by the lapels.
"What do you think of that?" He asked the old wizard angrily. "I could have been principal! Do you hear that? PRIN… CI… PAL! I could have been the greatest! Professor Severus Snape, head master at Durmstrang! Instead it's bloody Minerva! I could've…"
Snape stopped talking as a big barn owl flew through the open window of the bar towards him. The owl dropped a small letter in front of Snape and flew away. Snape let go of the unfortunate wizard beside him and opened the letter.
"Oh!" He cried mockingly, a few moments later. "Albus wants me now, does he? Well! Fancy that!"
And with a bow, Severus Snape stumbled (again!) out of the Three Broomsticks tripping over his long, black cloak and the doorstep on his way out. When they were sure he was gone, the whole bar burst into hysterical, relieved laughter.
~*~
"Severus! Where on earth where you? Oh, never mind! Come on, get smartened up! The dinner starts in two hours! I… FLITWICK! Excuse me, Severus."
Professor McGonagall rushed away from Snape to attend to Flitwick. Severus stared drunkenly after her. He had just stumbled through the great mahogany doors of Hogwarts after a long drunken walk from Hogsmeade. Snape scowled at McGonagall and began to make his way to the dungeons.
~*~
"Severus?"
Snape turned around. Dumbledore was standing in the doorway of Snape's chambers.
"Are you coming to the feast?"
Snape turned back to the drinks cabinet in the corner of his room and downed a whiskey. He, if possible, was even drunker then he had been when he had returned to the castle earlier. He hadn't bothered to get changed like McGonagall had asked, he had just proceeded to get even more plastered than before.
"In… hiccup… a… hiccup… minute." He managed to say.
Dumbledore raised his sliver eyebrows and sighed. Why did Severus always resort to drink? Oh well, he just hoped Severus wouldn't do anything drastic.
"Cornelius Fudge is here! Where are all the teachers?"
Dumbledore turned as he heard Minerva McGonagall's voice echoing through the school. Showtime.
"Come on Severus, the Ministry is here, we have to take our places. You don't want Minerva to fail do you?"
Snape muttered something unrecognisable but, nonetheless, he followed Dumbledore out of the dungeons.
~*~
Minerva smiled as she saw Dumbledore come through the huge doors of the Great Hall. He was closely followed by Snape who looked a little out of sorts. Minerva pushed the thought out of her mind as Dumbledore reached her. He looked worried.
"Minerva!"
"Albus, what's wrong?"
"It's Severus. I'm sure it won't ruin your big night but he's…"
A big shout from the top of the hall made them both turn.
"Bloody Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived! Late as usual I see!"
Harry Potter had just walked into the Great Hall and Snape was making drunken hand gestures and accusations.
"Drunk?" McGonagall asked Dumbledore. She was desperately hoping she was wrong but she knew there was no way. "Albus, what will we do?"
There was no chance for Dumbledore to reply because at that moment Cornelius Fudge and some Ministry members entered the Great Hall. As usual, Cornelius Fudge was dressed in luminous colours, which contrasted greatly with the oranges and browns of the decorations in the Great Hall.
After everyone had shaken hands the teachers and pupils took their usual seats and the Ministry members sat in extra chairs that had been placed around the staff table. As usual, Dumbledore sat in the middle. Beside Dumbledore sat Cornelius Fudge instead of McGonagall. Minerva sat beside Fudge and beside her was the very drunk (but oh so sexy) Snape.
Fudge nodded at Minerva and her test began.
~*~
Dinner went off without a hitch- until the pumpkin juice was sent up.
Snape immediately grabbed the pitcher of pumpkin juice in front of him and began to drink out of it. Pumpkin juice spilled from the pitcher as he clumsily drank it. Little orange rivers flowed down his face. Snape stopped drinking, a look of disgust formed on his face.
"What the HELL is this crap???"
Snape angrily threw the pitcher across the Great Hall. As if a giant whip had been lashed, silence fell upon the Great Hall.
"What's wrong with everyone?" Snape said. "We need some music in here! Muso!"
Snape pointed his wand (Oh my God!) at a space in the Great Hall and a huge band appeared. The band started to play and instantly there was chaos in the Great Hall. Gryffindors looked worriedly towards Professor McGonagall (all students had been informed about her test), Hufflepuffs hid behind one another, Ravenclaws talked excitedly and Slytherins danced to the music. Half the teachers looked shocked and the other half shook their heads in disbelief. Both, Dumbledore and McGonagall, looked warily at Cornelius Fudge. He was not impressed.
Snape sat down again, a drunken smile on his face. He pointed at the table (Drumos!) and a large pint of Guinness appeared in front of him. Snape sat back in his chair, sipped his drink and he contentedly began to watch the band.
~*~
"Severus! Wake up! Severus! Wake up, you horrible little man!"
Severus woke up from his drunken nap. He had fallen asleep soon after he had finished his pint while watching the band he had conjured.
He binked his eyes and shook his head, trying to get rid of the bleariness. When his vision cleared he was looking into the cold, steel- like eyes of Minerva McGonagall. The was a red tinge around her eyes, as if she'd been crying.
"I hope you're very proud of yourself, Severus."
Snape looked past McGonagall. Dumbledore, who had just spoken, was standing there. He had a look on his face that said: "You've disappointed me, Severus."
"What?" Snape rubbed his eyes and noticed for the first time the Great Hall was now empty.
"What time is it?" He asked.
"Don't try and change the subject Severus! You ruined…"
"Minerva," Dumbledore cut in, "We have to explain."
"You do it, I'm not talking to him again!" McGonagall gave Snape a withering look and then left the Great Hall.
"Well?" Said Snape. "What's wrong with her?"
It became apparent to Dumbledore that Snape was still heavily drunk and he hadn't got a clue what he had done the previous night.
Dumbledore then began to explain everything that had happened to Snape the previous night.
"…And when you conjured up the band everyone went mad. And then you fell asleep." Dumbledore sighed and then continued. "Minerva and myself, with the help of the other teachers, finally managed to calm all the children and send them to bed. We came back to the staff table but it was too late. Cornelius Fudge was already gone. This morning, Minerva received an owl from the Ministry. Fudge was not impressed with the show, as you can imagine." Dumbledore sighed again. "Anyway, Minerva did not get the job at Durmstrang, although they desperately need a principal, and she was very upset. She will be remaining here with us as always."
Snape looked up at Dumbledore, a slow smile was spreading across his face.
"So, I ruined everything?"
"Well… Yes…"
"Minerva isn't going to be principal at Durmstrang?"
"No…" said Dumbledore. He was wondering where this was going.
Snape stood up and almost fell over. He was still heavily drunk.
"Muso!" Snape shouted.
Instantly, a big band appeared in the same spot Snape (!) had conjured them last night.
All of a sudden, teachers and pupils appeared in the doorway of the Great Hall.
Snape strode towards the band and grabbed the microphone.
"Minerva McGonagall FAILED!" He shouted. "She FAILED!"
All the students and teachers looked alarmed at this outburst but that was nothing to what they looked like next.
"I'd like to serenade you all with a little song!" Snape cried.
"It's not unusual that I'm so great,
It's not unusual… Guinness comes by the crate!
But when I see Harry Potter I think, what a wimp!
Something, something I am so great!"
All mouths in the Great Hall dropped open as Snape sang a version of "It's not unusual." He then sang his unique version of "I did it my way."
"I've drunk, I've sweared, I've lied,
I've scorned Harry and he's cried,
McGonagall lost her job…
I did it MY WAY!!!!!"
Slience engulfed the room as Snape took his bows.
"Oh my," Thought Dumbledore, "He is sooo fired."
~*~
Notes…
Dia Duit! I hope you enjoyed my rather strange, demented twist on Severus (Sexy) Snape. Everything in brackets was me not being able to contain myself in case you were wondering! Oh and all the (!) were because I kept on using loads of Sexy S's. (i.e. Silly, sexy Snape!)
As usual, everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and I just had to write a Snape fic because he is the BEST character!
This isn't my first fic but it's the first one I've put on the Internet so I thought it should be… humorous. (Although, I have a VERY WEIRD sense of humour!)
Please e-mail me (snapesgirl@hotmail.com) with constructive comments and criticisms- I want 'em all! If you have any ideas for stories you would like me to write e-mail them too!
Thanks for reading, see ya soon!
Slan abhaile- *Laura. *