I wrote this and didn't realize until I finished that this could work as a prequel for my other fic, State of Our Affairs. Please do check that out if you haven't yet! And reviews please!
P.S. I might post more songfics of flashbacks as next chapters if you guys like it.
—
Song: The Best You Had by Nina Nesbitt
Does she ever feel like me?
Run her fingers down your back
Do you ever talk about us?
Or is it just the bad times we had
"Who is that?" Teddy asks, a slight edge in the tone of her voice. Everyone's heads turned to see who she's talking about, including yours, and you see Mark kissing a girl in yellow Seattle Pres shirt. You let out a humorless laugh, and look down on your shoes. Typical.
He's always been a little "lost" right after your breakups, often turning back to his old habits of sleeping around. Although this second time, he surprised everyone when he didn't, and instead directed his energy to staring at you behind your back. Derek said it could be because he's recently become a father, that he's changed. But now, he's back on his old ways, and you realize that it was really just a matter of when.
"Julia Canner. She's an ophthalmologist from Seattle Pres. Mark's been seeing her."
"Every night this week." Callie says, almost sounding like she's bragging. You look back at the couple kissing a few meters away and suddenly you notice. How his arm pulls her slightly closer, and the way his lips curves into a smile while they're on hers.
He's moving on.
—
Cos baby it's been three weeks and I'm going out my mind
How does she taste? Is it sweeter than mine was?
I've been using bodies just to get me through the night
Is it the same, huh?
You pretend to be charting as you watch him from the nurses' station. He was standing outside the elevator when it dings and she steps out, his face lighting up in an instant. You watch as he kisses her before he puts his arm around her shoulder and they walk past you. You look back down on the "chart you're working on" when they pass by.
Meredith clears her throat beside you and you almost jump. She tells you they had a double date last night. You continue to pretend-chart.
She continues to talk and tells you she likes her. You continue to pretend not to care.
She turns at you slowly and clears her throat again (she always does that to emphasize, she says) before telling you he's happy with her. You quickly close the patient's chart and slam it on the drawer beside you.
You walk away with your hands shaking. Jackson passes by you and you pull him by his scrub top and lead him towards the nearest on-call room to forget.
Fuck him, I can be happy too.
—
Cos it's crazy that you're moving on so fast
But baby it's okay if I am still the best you've had
And it hurts that you would just leave like that
But baby it's okay if I am still the best you've had
You caught him staring at you. For the first time in almost a year, you caught him staring at you.
You hold eye contact with him for another second before he finally breaks it and goes back to chatting with Callie and Arizona. You look down at your plate and poke your food with the fork.
You pass by him again in front of the surgery board, and this time, he stops in front of you, halting your steps. You look up at him, surprised.
"Hey." He scratches the back of his neck — a nervous habit. He smiles, a sweet one. Almost the one you know he uses just for you, but not quite. "Happy birthday."
"Oh! Uh... Th-thanks. You uh... you remember." You say and smile back at him.
"Of course I remember. It's you." He replies, as if it's the simplest thing in the world. It takes him a moment to realize what he just said. He opens his mouth, before closing it again and walking the other way.
—
Nobody did it like us, nobody did it like you did
Darling, I know that we're fucked
But you know my ego is stupid
You spent the whole day at Archfield. It was four years ago, and you remember everything. Crystal clear.
It was the first time in the three months you two have been sneaking around that you have the same day off. It took you a while to convince him to get out of bed, take a break from all the sex, and go downstairs with you. You hold his hand all the way from the hotel room to the lobby. You're highly aware of how overeager and attached you appear, but you can't help it. This is the only place where you can act like you feel. Outside? You're colleagues. Nothing more.
You're sitting in the hotel restaurant with him, eating lunch. He is talking to you about a surgery that he did years ago, but you're not quite sure. You spaced out three minutes ago.
You nod occasionally, and smile, trying to appear interested even if your mind is elsewhere. You wonder how this arrangement suddenly became easy and comfortable. Nobody knows, sure, and secrets make you sick, but one look at his face and you know.
He puts his hand on yours on the table. You smile. You don't think you've ever liked anybody this much before.
—
Tell everyone I hate her cos I'm scared of how you feel
It's complicated
You drag your feet to the nearest on-call room after spending six hours on your feet in surgery with Shepherd.
You open the door and light floods into the room, revealing a half naked Mark and Julia on one of the lower bunks. She is straddling him, and they both turn to look at you, startled by the sudden interruption.
"Oh! Oh my god! I'm—"
You quickly close the door, and rush to the stairwell. The image of what you just saw was tattooed on your mind, thanks to your stupid photographic memory. You sit on the stairs, your head on your hands. Your body wrack with sobs, partly from exhaustion, and partly from heartbreak.
This time, you're scared. You're really scared. This was different from when he tried with Teddy. You're sure he's moved on this time. You're terrified that he found someone else, while here you are, hung up on him. Forever, maybe. You've recently come to terms with the fact that he's your soulmate.
You confide to Meredith and Derek again at home, later that night, and they look at you with pity eyes. You tell them you hate Julia. They tell you she isn't so bad. You hate them now too.
—
It's crazy that you're moving on so fast
But baby it's okay if I am still the best you've had
"About what you saw..."
This is the first time he's talked to you since your birthday three months ago. You tap your feet, ready to step out at the elevator's next ding. You look at him. He's fiddling with his fingers — another nervous habit.
"No, it's— it's okay. No big deal." You sigh, putting your hands in your coat pockets. Since when did the elevator move this slow?
He looks at you and gives your elbow a little pinch. It was a thing he used to do to comfort you when you were nervous and fidgety. You squirm at his touch, the current from your elbow suddenly traveling throughout your body. You move a step further from him.
You see him again later at the nurses' station, when he hands you a cup of coffee. You look at him, confused.
"You have a girlfriend."
He rolls his eyes, the edge of his mouth twitching into a smirk. "It's just coffee, Lexie. Friends get friends coffee."
You take a sip from your coffee, and the hot liquid burns your tongue, but the taste is unmistakeable. Your face twists and he laughs. "Bone-dry cappuccino?! You got me bone-dry cappuccino?!"
You shove him in the shoulder playfully and he keeps laughing. You can't help but laugh along. Damn it. "You know I hate that stuff! I hate you."
"No you don't." He's still laughing when he walks away. You shake your head, smiling.
Suddenly, you're not so scared anymore.
—
And it hurts that you would just leave like that
But baby it's okay if I am still the best you've had
Derek was the one who told you. Not Mark. Derek.
Your whole world spins, and suddenly you're clutching on to your brother-in-law's arm. He's talking to you, but you hear nothing but slurred words. Mark's engaged.
You run to the comfort room, and throw up your lunch. You sit on the floor, leaning on the cubicle and crying hysterically when Meredith appears out of nowhere. She hugs you, tight.
Cristina comes in too, after a couple of minutes. They talk to you about god knows what. You're pretty sure your hearing shut down right after Derek spoke to you. They wipe your tears away and walk you to the residents' lounge.
Next thing you know, you're in the back of Meredith's car. It's parked outside the liquor store as Cristina steps out to buy tequila.
Meredith fumbles with her phone, and you suspect she's texting Derek. When you speak again, your voice is soft, as if it's a secret. You don't know why — the whole entire world knows. "He's the love of my life."
She holds your hand the entire drive home.
—
I don't want you, no, nothing more
I don't need you
The next time you two speak again, it's in an on-call room. You don't know what the hell brought you here, but you saw him walk in and you did too. You want answers.
He was just climbing into one of the beds, his scrub top discarded on the floor. You lock the door and look at him. You open your mouth and try to find the words.
Your mind is jumbled, and you spit out the first thing you can think of. "Why didn't you wait for me?"
"What?"
"Why didn't you wait for me? I just thought we had this silent agreement where it's... us in the end."
Mark looks at you, a bitter laugh escaping from his throat. "You can't be serious."
"I am." You cross your arms, as if it could help you from what he is about to say.
"Did you really expect me to wait? For what, Lexie? For you to be ready or for you to decide that it's convenient to want me again?" He's exasperated. When he realizes what he said, he takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
Your eyes sting. His words clench your chest, but you take a step towards him anyway and sit next to him on the bed. "It's the truth," you whisper, trying to console him. God, even when he's hurting your feelings all you can think of is his. He's right — you are pathetic.
"You don't think that was difficult for me? All I want is for you to be happy, Lexie. And you said you were. So I let you go. Now I want to be happy. Can you give me that? Please?"
His eyes search yours for an answer. You nod your head slowly, and release the forming tears from your eyes. He holds you, for the last time.
Then he says it. The three words you've been wanting to hear for years.
I love you.
You think you heard it, but you're not sure.
—
It's crazy that you're moving on so fast
But I am still the best you've had
It was a year ago when you realized.
When you were both lying in bed, panting after four hours of sex. Earlier today, you told him you both don't work. That you've tried before. And now, here you are, back in his bed.
You wrap your arms around him and tangle your legs with his. He looks at you and presses his lips on yours. How you always find your way back to each other — you have no idea.
This is home. You've never fit with anybody like this. Time and time again, you try. You try and it's always him.
You think back on the time before it all got so complicated. Before Sloan came into the picture. You were happy. You were so happy everyday, all the time, that entire period of time, that happy became your normal. You took it for granted.
When he kissed you at Joe's earlier tonight, you got the feeling again. You're on fire. Like you were on withdrawal, and right when your body's screaming, begging for the drug again, all of a sudden, it's handed back to you. You kiss him back like your life depended on it. Because it did. All you know is if this gets taken from you again, you'll die. Maybe not literally, but well...
It is when you realize. When pulls away and looks at you that way, you realize. Your heart is close to bursting, from the bliss, from the pure, unadulterated feeling you can now identify. You've never said the three words to each other before, so you don't know why the hell you came to this conclusion. You thought it was just a whole concept cheesy books and movies made up. You almost gasp.
He's the love of your life.
And you thought you had forever, but you don't.