Hey, y'all!(I've a;ways wanted to say that) I just had to write that while it was in my head. I don't have a Beta but if someone is interested, PM me
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It would be too troublesome if I did *wink* *wink*
To get you into the story - it starts at the end of chapter 29 of the book, so that would be when Rose and Dimitri rekindle their relationship after the incident with Victor.
Chapter One
…I didn't throw myself at him and how could I, after what I've done. But that just strengthened my resolve to tell him now. I knew it was cruel, to tell him in a dream but I couldn't wait to when we will meet and have time to talk. It was now or never, as they say.
"Little Dhampir" he said, with a big smile on his face. It hurt me even more that it had to be me that will wipe it off his handsome face. But I had to do it. It was the honorable thing to do. "How are you?"
"Adrian, I have to tell you something. Sit down." And just as I said it I realized where we were – an amazing garden, rivaling Sonya's, there were flowers, so many flowers, that the aroma was suffocating. There was also a bench, made of wood and brass. It was really beautiful and I was hit with another wave of guilt for doing what I was doing but it had to be done. He looked worried but sat nonetheless. "I…We…I can't do that anymore, I can't lie to you not when I know what you feel for me. Please let me finish" I said when he started to interrupt me. "Last night I did something awful. I will spare you the details but it got me thinking that what I'm doing with you is not honorable to you. I'm leading you on, it was wrong of me to let us get to where we are now, when I knew I still had feelings for another. I know that you knew I still loved Dmitri but… Oh God, it's so hard. I don't want to hurt you more. I didn't want to do it in a dream, that's like to break up with someone over the phone but I had to do it sooner. I couldn't allow myself to lead you on more. Not when…" here I stopped myself before I said something to hurt him more. He didn't want him to hear more than what needed to be said. That's when I allowed myself to look at him. He looked crestfallen, heartbroken and angry at the same time.
"You…You…I don't know what to say. I love you, Rose, you know that." He started slowly, then he voice gained emotion till he was almost shouting. "I can't believe one thing though – I can't believe that you didn't have the decency to tell me that before you jumped Belikov's bones." I looked at him dumbfounded and then noticed that he was looking at my body, not my face. I looked down and for the first time noticed that I wasn't wearing any clothes. I was just as I had gone to bed, after Dimitri and I had had sex. I couldn't understand how he knew what I had done, but it wasn't too hard to guess, I suppose. But I couldn't think about that now. I had to make him understand. But before I could open my mouth, hew continued talking. "I knew you could be cruel but not that cruel. I guess you hardly care for people's feelings, people that aren't that close to you, that is." I was fuming. How could he say that? This time I didn't let him talk.
"How could you say that! How could you say that I don't care for other people's feelings. If I didn't care about their feelings I wouldn't be here trying my hardest to do the honorable thing and let you go. I could've waited for when we were together and talked to you then. And who knows when would that have been and what could've happened in the mean time. So don't say I don't care for people's feelings." I was almost shouting now. And then something in me broke and I just had to say what was on my mind, like my filter had gone on a much needed vacation. "You can't accuse me of anything of the sort, Adrian Ivashkov, when you don't know what I have been going through. You don't know what it's like when every time you close your eyes to see certain people's faces" before it was only Mason, 'cause I still felt responsible for his death, now it was Victor too. "You don't know what it's like, when every time I go out of a warded place to see ghosts – both of known and unknown people, their sad faces pleading with me to help them, and giving me one hell of a headache at the same time. You don't know what I've been doing to save Lissa since the accident and after that, when we got back to St Vlads; you don't know how hard I had to try to rid myself of my feelings for my mentor, knowing that in the end it will only hurt my best friend's safety. I've been denying myself so much for her, don't get me wrong I love Lissa, but when I went and did something purely for me, when I went to Russia, you know what she did – she tried to compel me to stay. Then, when I got to Russia, I was constantly being harassed by, what I later found out was my father, to go away; I found it extremely hard to finish my mission. When I thought I had, I found that there could have been a way to save him and be with him again. When I came back and asked around I found out that I had to help an enemy to escape out of prison so that I could get the needed information. At the same time I found out that I had failed in my mission and I was being threatened by the same person I had tried to kill. Then I helped said enemy to escape said prison, ran to Vegas, which you know about. Then when we came back I was bombarded with as much as possible work, entirely not related to guarding. Then my best friend and her boyfriend, who I consider a brother, were kidnapped by my ex mentor/lover for the sole reason that he could get to me and kill me. Then he got saved, by some miracle, but that changed him to no end. He didn't want to see me, after all I had done for him. He didn't want to even hear for me. He saw Lissa as hi savior when she only drove a stake through his heart, while I broke so many laws just to get information. Then when I pushed him too hard he said he didn't love me anymore. I didn't know a heart could be broken twice but mine was. I'm sorry to say that even you couldn't mend it together. And that was in the last couple of months. Tell me, Adrian, what is the hardest thing you've done before you had to break me out of prison?" I was panting now, having forgotten to breathe while giving in to my urges to take this off my chest. When I looked at him he was looked flustered. Then I felt something that I haven't till now in a dream walk - I was being awakened. So I looked at Adrian and told him one last thing. "Please think about what I've told you. I want you to know that I still love you, like a brother. I wish it was more, that it was enough to rid of my old feelings but… When you have decided what you want to do, call, text, find a way to contact me. There's just one thing that I ask of you – place yourself in my shoes" Then I woke up to the smiling face of my Russian god. The smile was breathtaking, the glowing of his eyes – mesmerizing.
"Morning, Roza. Sleep well?" he asked with that smile still on his face.
"Morning, Comrade. Yeah I did." I said with my men-eater smile
I just wanted to reach up and kiss him but knew I couldn't. I had to tell him something too. I guess today was a day for me to ruin everyone's moods. "Comrade, I have to tell you something. I talked with Adrian. I broke it off with him." He looked at me sympathetically. "Now I have to tell you something and maybe you won't like it."
"What is it, Roza? You're starting to scare me" he said wit a concerned look on his face.
"Maybe…It's unintentional. I'll say it right out – You need to forgive yourself. You think that you have, but you haven't. And until you do we can't be together like we used to be."
"Roza, that' easier said that done. You don't know what it's like to close your eyes and see al those faces, with yours being the most prominent, and when I open my eyes they are there again. I can't escape them." He said sorrowfully.
"Comrade, that's double standards and I don't like it. You think I don't know what it's like, think again. You have a fresh example too, but I found it in myself to forgive, to let go, because of you, because I wanted to be with you and you told me you love me. But if you can't do the same then we'll be over. It won't be fair to you or me. Please, Comrade, just about it." I wasn't below begging. I needed him in my life but not to just be in it, but to be with me, like we were.
"I…I'll try, Roza. But I can't guarantee you anything."
"That's all I ask, Dimitri. Now I'm going to take a shower. We have a long day ahead of us." I said and walked off, all the while feeling his lustful gaze on me.