Not sure if I'm going to continue this, so please write a review and tell me! Disclaimer: I do NOT own Voldemort, but Alyssa is MINE! Okay, I'm not usually very good at humour, so tell me if you think this is good!
My dear Dark Lord,
I have read your request within the Daily Prophet for a financer and would happily accept. I will consent to any spells you may use to protect yourself and agree that this would be for the best.
Yes, I did read between the lines and realised that you were in fact He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (or as I prefer to call you, The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live). But I have terms to which you must agree to for me to pay the full rent on the house that we will share.
You may have seen this letter and decided to kill me, but be warned; I have an owl that will take a letter to Rita Skeeter telling her of your whereabouts if I was to be killed. I have also become immune to the Imperius Curse, so in other words you have no choice but to live with me, sign my contract and not kill me if you wish to remain anonymous and have lodgings.
Sincerely (extremely),
Alyssa Gillies
P.S. here is a copy of your original advertisement,
WANTED
A witch or wizard of pure blood who would like to become a roommate with an extremely evil wizard. Roommate must be able to pay the entire cost of the rent and, in return, will not be killed or tortured, nor will any of their family members or friends when I rule the world. Send an owl addressed to the graveyard in Little Hangleton.
Alyssa Gillies,
Well, you drive a hard bargain but I'm afraid you have given me no choice but to accept your kind offer. Yes, I will sign your contract. Meet with me tomorrow on the stroke of midnight in the graveyard of Little Hangleton. And I must request that you call me "the Dark Lord" and nothing else.
Lord Voldemort
Dark Lord,
Sorry, Voldy, can't make midnight. How about breakfast at my place instead? And remember the owl.
Hope you like bacon,
Alyssa Gillies