Guardian
By Tahiri Solo
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Disclaimer: All the characters, places, and such mentioned in this fic are the property of Lucasfilm. I own nothing and am in no way getting paid for this story. This story is a re-write of a scene from the book Star by Star, but I am not copying or infringing. Also, if this bears any resemblance to stories written by others, that is purely coincidental. No infringement is intended.
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A/N: I wrote this months ago, and just unearthed it, lol. Ganner may be a bit OOC in this, but I wanted to show another side to him . . . so I hope that he's believable here.
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Zekk sat at the pilot's seat of the newly renamed Trickster, his frustration and worry radiating off of him, almost as palpable as a physical presence.
After only minutes, he abruptly ripped the pilot's hood off his head and tossed it to Ganner. "Can you take over for me?"
Ganner nodded, coming over to take Zekk's seat. "She's asleep," he said simply, jerking his thumb back towards the small chamber where Jaina lay. "Finally getting some rest. I think she's all right for the time being."
Zekk smiled wryly. "How'd you know I was going to check on her?"
The older man shrugged. "It's obvious to everyone - except Jaina herself, of course - that you love her." Ganner's gaze was intense. "You want to protect her; she won't let you. You want to save her; she doesn't want to be saved. We all know how hard that must be on you."
"It's more than that," Zekk said, but did not offer any more information.
Ganner looked at him expectantly. "Go on."
"I have no reason to be telling you this," Zekk replied calmly.
"Yes, you do," Ganner retorted. "The woman you love has been through hell and is obviously slipping dangerously close to the dark side. We're all worried about her, but she means the most to you. Hell, judging from the way you look at her, you love her more than anyone else in the whole damn galaxy."
"I do," Zekk said, meeting Ganner's blue eyes, "but I still don't see why I should be telling you all this."
"You should be telling me all this because you're in pain," Ganner said bluntly. "You and Jaina were so close you can probably feel everything she's going through, and added to that your own pain of seeing her like this and your fear of what she's becoming. I don't know you all that well, but I'm not blind. I realize I may be the very last person you want to discuss this with, but you do need to talk and I am willing to listen." He shrugged.
"You've just managed to find the heart of the problem," Zekk said. "Jaina and I were close. Were close. Now . . . I don't even know. It's like she doesn't even want me to be a part of her life anymore. As much as that hurts, I suppose I could have accepted that decision - but I can't accept her decision to destroy herself like this. I know the dark side; I know what it does to you. And I know Jaina, and I can see the dark side in her. I know what will happen to her if she doesn't stop - if she isn't stopped. And I'll be damned if I let that happen to the only woman I've ever loved."
Ganner sighed. "Do you think it's even possible for her to be brought back? I hate to say it, I truly do, but I have my doubts. She's been through so much . . . ."
"The Jaina I know and fell in love with is still in there somewhere," Zekk said simply. "Jaina had such a good heart that I don't believe it's possible she could fall so far she couldn't be brought back."
Zekk hesitated, and his eyes briefly clouded over. Then he sighed. "She brought me back. She was able to see the good in me and bring it back out. I owe her everything for that. But yet I can't return the favor." His voice was bitter.
Ganner shook his head. "Don't think that way. You could return the favor. You see the good still in her, and you want to save her. But right now, she does not want saved, and isn't going to let you. There is nothing you can do about that."
"There should be."
"And there should be a way we could just snap our fingers and magically get rid of the Vong and return the galaxy to the way it was before they invaded," Ganner said. "But there isn't. We have to accept that."
"And I have to accept that I can't save Jaina," Zekk finished for him.
Ganner's voice was surprisingly sympathetic. "Yeah. That's about it. I'm sorry, but there's nothing else you can do."
"Well, I love her too much to ever accept that," Zekk said, standing up, his two-tone emerald eyes flashing. "If I let her continue down this path and destroy herself, then she'll have destroyed me too. Do you understand what it's like to be so much in love that their life becomes infinitely more important than your own? Apparently not, or you'd have never told me to 'accept' that I can't save her."
Without another word, Zekk walked off.
Ganner readjusted the pilot's hood on his head, pondering the younger man's words.
Within moments, Zekk was at the chamber where Jaina lay sleeping. He entered cautiously, not wanting to disturb her.
Zekk couldn't help smiling as he saw her. She was lying on her side, one arm supporting her head and the other curled to her chest. Her eyes were closed, and her lips softly parted in sleep.
She looked so innocent, resembling the little girl he had known so long ago.
He hadn't been lying when he'd told Ganner that the Jaina he knew and had fallen in love with was still in there somewhere. He'd always known it, but now he could see it.
Moving silently, Zekk walked up to the nestbunk she was curled up in and knelt beside it, tenderly smoothing a stray lock of hair away from Jaina's face. He kept his hand there, gently stroking her cheek, his touch feather light to keep from waking her.
She didn't stir, but sighed in her sleep and nuzzled her face against his hand so that he was cupping her cheek. Zekk smiled again - for once, she was actually happy with his presence, which seemed to be a rarity lately.
He lowered his head to softly brush his lips against her forehead. His smile broadened as her hand reached out to brush gently against his face, almost as if trying to stroke his cheek.
Zekk caught her tiny hand in his and held it to his cheek, treasuring the touch of her hand on his face. But after only a few seconds, he kissed her fingers and laid her hand back on her chest, not wanting to wake her.
As Zekk gazed down at Jaina, so many emotions rose so strongly in him that he actually ached. "Don't go off after Jacen - after revenge," he whispered to her sleeping form, almost inaudibly. "Stay here with me. Let me protect you."
He knew that Jaina had almost used the Force to convince him to come with her. But it hadn't been the strength of her vision that had made him waver, almost made him toss aside his hard-won beliefs.
It hadn't been her persuasion.
It had been his love for her.
As much as Zekk was against vengeance and the use of the dark side, the love he held for Jaina overrode everything else. He was still sorely tempted to go with her - not to help her in her quest for revenge, but to protect her.
But yet Zekk knew that she didn't want protected, and if she had him on her side, Jaina would find it much easier to sway the others to her cause, endangering them as well. He couldn't risk that.
Jaina didn't realize that Zekk could see all of this, but as much as she had changed, he still knew the way she thought, and he knew what could happen if he accompanied her.
And he also knew that if he really loved her, he was doing the best thing by staying.
And that thought nearly broke his heart.
Zekk would never forgive himself if something happened and he wasn't there to save her. He closed his eyes and drew on the Force for guidance, confirming what he already knew:
He had to let her go. Jaina had to make her own path, and he could only hope that it would bring her back to him.
Tears welled in Zekk's eyes, but he blinked them away. He already had every detail of Jaina's face memorized, but he still studied it intently, not wanting to ever forget any aspect of her.
Finally, he sighed and stood up. On impulse, he bent back down and softly kissed her motionless lips. "I love you, Jaina Solo," he whispered fiercely. "Always. Nothing will ever change that."
With that, he quietly left the room, not allowing himself to look back.
As soon as he was gone, Jaina's eyes opened, and to her shock, filled with tears. She sat up, allowing the tears to fall and not bothering to wipe them away. "I can't love you, Zekk," she whispered miserably. "I can't; don't you see that? You mean too much to me - if anything ever happened to you, I'd die. So I can't love you. I can't," she repeated, almost as if to convince herself.
A soft, dry sob escaped her lips. "I can't, but I do. I always have, Zekk. But I've got to stop. It's better this way. For both of us. I have Jag now. He's a good man, and I respect him . . . but he's not you. I wouldn't die without him. So that's why I made myself fall for him. I need someone, but I can't open up to someone I love as much as you - not the way everything is now, when so many people are dying. I lost my brothers; I don't want to lose you too." The tears were coming stronger now, but she barely noticed. "You need to find someone else too, because I want you to be happy. Don't wait for me, because I just can't love you. You deserve someone who can."
She paused for a moment, to wipe her tears and regain some composure. "But I promise you this, Zekk," she whispered fiercely, her voice no longer shaking, "when this war is over, if I'm ever healed and capable of loving someone like you deserve, I will find you. I will find you, and maybe then we can be together, the way we were supposed to be."
She stared longingly at the entryway to the chamber, wanting more than anything to get up, find Zekk and throw her arms around him. She knew that if she did, he'd catch her and cradle her close, kissing her pain away with the lips she'd wanted to touch for so long now. Fleeting images of what could be raced through Jaina's mind, making her ache with a desperate longing.
But with an effort, she forced the thoughts away. She couldn't afford to be thinking about such things, not now. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.
Jaina sighed, a lone tear trailing down her cheek, thinking of how much Zekk loved her and wanted to protect her - and of how much she wanted him to. But she couldn't allow him to do either. "And I promise that even if I don't want protected, you will always, always, be my guardian."
By Tahiri Solo
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Disclaimer: All the characters, places, and such mentioned in this fic are the property of Lucasfilm. I own nothing and am in no way getting paid for this story. This story is a re-write of a scene from the book Star by Star, but I am not copying or infringing. Also, if this bears any resemblance to stories written by others, that is purely coincidental. No infringement is intended.
*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*
A/N: I wrote this months ago, and just unearthed it, lol. Ganner may be a bit OOC in this, but I wanted to show another side to him . . . so I hope that he's believable here.
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Zekk sat at the pilot's seat of the newly renamed Trickster, his frustration and worry radiating off of him, almost as palpable as a physical presence.
After only minutes, he abruptly ripped the pilot's hood off his head and tossed it to Ganner. "Can you take over for me?"
Ganner nodded, coming over to take Zekk's seat. "She's asleep," he said simply, jerking his thumb back towards the small chamber where Jaina lay. "Finally getting some rest. I think she's all right for the time being."
Zekk smiled wryly. "How'd you know I was going to check on her?"
The older man shrugged. "It's obvious to everyone - except Jaina herself, of course - that you love her." Ganner's gaze was intense. "You want to protect her; she won't let you. You want to save her; she doesn't want to be saved. We all know how hard that must be on you."
"It's more than that," Zekk said, but did not offer any more information.
Ganner looked at him expectantly. "Go on."
"I have no reason to be telling you this," Zekk replied calmly.
"Yes, you do," Ganner retorted. "The woman you love has been through hell and is obviously slipping dangerously close to the dark side. We're all worried about her, but she means the most to you. Hell, judging from the way you look at her, you love her more than anyone else in the whole damn galaxy."
"I do," Zekk said, meeting Ganner's blue eyes, "but I still don't see why I should be telling you all this."
"You should be telling me all this because you're in pain," Ganner said bluntly. "You and Jaina were so close you can probably feel everything she's going through, and added to that your own pain of seeing her like this and your fear of what she's becoming. I don't know you all that well, but I'm not blind. I realize I may be the very last person you want to discuss this with, but you do need to talk and I am willing to listen." He shrugged.
"You've just managed to find the heart of the problem," Zekk said. "Jaina and I were close. Were close. Now . . . I don't even know. It's like she doesn't even want me to be a part of her life anymore. As much as that hurts, I suppose I could have accepted that decision - but I can't accept her decision to destroy herself like this. I know the dark side; I know what it does to you. And I know Jaina, and I can see the dark side in her. I know what will happen to her if she doesn't stop - if she isn't stopped. And I'll be damned if I let that happen to the only woman I've ever loved."
Ganner sighed. "Do you think it's even possible for her to be brought back? I hate to say it, I truly do, but I have my doubts. She's been through so much . . . ."
"The Jaina I know and fell in love with is still in there somewhere," Zekk said simply. "Jaina had such a good heart that I don't believe it's possible she could fall so far she couldn't be brought back."
Zekk hesitated, and his eyes briefly clouded over. Then he sighed. "She brought me back. She was able to see the good in me and bring it back out. I owe her everything for that. But yet I can't return the favor." His voice was bitter.
Ganner shook his head. "Don't think that way. You could return the favor. You see the good still in her, and you want to save her. But right now, she does not want saved, and isn't going to let you. There is nothing you can do about that."
"There should be."
"And there should be a way we could just snap our fingers and magically get rid of the Vong and return the galaxy to the way it was before they invaded," Ganner said. "But there isn't. We have to accept that."
"And I have to accept that I can't save Jaina," Zekk finished for him.
Ganner's voice was surprisingly sympathetic. "Yeah. That's about it. I'm sorry, but there's nothing else you can do."
"Well, I love her too much to ever accept that," Zekk said, standing up, his two-tone emerald eyes flashing. "If I let her continue down this path and destroy herself, then she'll have destroyed me too. Do you understand what it's like to be so much in love that their life becomes infinitely more important than your own? Apparently not, or you'd have never told me to 'accept' that I can't save her."
Without another word, Zekk walked off.
Ganner readjusted the pilot's hood on his head, pondering the younger man's words.
Within moments, Zekk was at the chamber where Jaina lay sleeping. He entered cautiously, not wanting to disturb her.
Zekk couldn't help smiling as he saw her. She was lying on her side, one arm supporting her head and the other curled to her chest. Her eyes were closed, and her lips softly parted in sleep.
She looked so innocent, resembling the little girl he had known so long ago.
He hadn't been lying when he'd told Ganner that the Jaina he knew and had fallen in love with was still in there somewhere. He'd always known it, but now he could see it.
Moving silently, Zekk walked up to the nestbunk she was curled up in and knelt beside it, tenderly smoothing a stray lock of hair away from Jaina's face. He kept his hand there, gently stroking her cheek, his touch feather light to keep from waking her.
She didn't stir, but sighed in her sleep and nuzzled her face against his hand so that he was cupping her cheek. Zekk smiled again - for once, she was actually happy with his presence, which seemed to be a rarity lately.
He lowered his head to softly brush his lips against her forehead. His smile broadened as her hand reached out to brush gently against his face, almost as if trying to stroke his cheek.
Zekk caught her tiny hand in his and held it to his cheek, treasuring the touch of her hand on his face. But after only a few seconds, he kissed her fingers and laid her hand back on her chest, not wanting to wake her.
As Zekk gazed down at Jaina, so many emotions rose so strongly in him that he actually ached. "Don't go off after Jacen - after revenge," he whispered to her sleeping form, almost inaudibly. "Stay here with me. Let me protect you."
He knew that Jaina had almost used the Force to convince him to come with her. But it hadn't been the strength of her vision that had made him waver, almost made him toss aside his hard-won beliefs.
It hadn't been her persuasion.
It had been his love for her.
As much as Zekk was against vengeance and the use of the dark side, the love he held for Jaina overrode everything else. He was still sorely tempted to go with her - not to help her in her quest for revenge, but to protect her.
But yet Zekk knew that she didn't want protected, and if she had him on her side, Jaina would find it much easier to sway the others to her cause, endangering them as well. He couldn't risk that.
Jaina didn't realize that Zekk could see all of this, but as much as she had changed, he still knew the way she thought, and he knew what could happen if he accompanied her.
And he also knew that if he really loved her, he was doing the best thing by staying.
And that thought nearly broke his heart.
Zekk would never forgive himself if something happened and he wasn't there to save her. He closed his eyes and drew on the Force for guidance, confirming what he already knew:
He had to let her go. Jaina had to make her own path, and he could only hope that it would bring her back to him.
Tears welled in Zekk's eyes, but he blinked them away. He already had every detail of Jaina's face memorized, but he still studied it intently, not wanting to ever forget any aspect of her.
Finally, he sighed and stood up. On impulse, he bent back down and softly kissed her motionless lips. "I love you, Jaina Solo," he whispered fiercely. "Always. Nothing will ever change that."
With that, he quietly left the room, not allowing himself to look back.
As soon as he was gone, Jaina's eyes opened, and to her shock, filled with tears. She sat up, allowing the tears to fall and not bothering to wipe them away. "I can't love you, Zekk," she whispered miserably. "I can't; don't you see that? You mean too much to me - if anything ever happened to you, I'd die. So I can't love you. I can't," she repeated, almost as if to convince herself.
A soft, dry sob escaped her lips. "I can't, but I do. I always have, Zekk. But I've got to stop. It's better this way. For both of us. I have Jag now. He's a good man, and I respect him . . . but he's not you. I wouldn't die without him. So that's why I made myself fall for him. I need someone, but I can't open up to someone I love as much as you - not the way everything is now, when so many people are dying. I lost my brothers; I don't want to lose you too." The tears were coming stronger now, but she barely noticed. "You need to find someone else too, because I want you to be happy. Don't wait for me, because I just can't love you. You deserve someone who can."
She paused for a moment, to wipe her tears and regain some composure. "But I promise you this, Zekk," she whispered fiercely, her voice no longer shaking, "when this war is over, if I'm ever healed and capable of loving someone like you deserve, I will find you. I will find you, and maybe then we can be together, the way we were supposed to be."
She stared longingly at the entryway to the chamber, wanting more than anything to get up, find Zekk and throw her arms around him. She knew that if she did, he'd catch her and cradle her close, kissing her pain away with the lips she'd wanted to touch for so long now. Fleeting images of what could be raced through Jaina's mind, making her ache with a desperate longing.
But with an effort, she forced the thoughts away. She couldn't afford to be thinking about such things, not now. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.
Jaina sighed, a lone tear trailing down her cheek, thinking of how much Zekk loved her and wanted to protect her - and of how much she wanted him to. But she couldn't allow him to do either. "And I promise that even if I don't want protected, you will always, always, be my guardian."