Kurt 's sick
Kurt was sick in bed. His face was paler then usual, and his button nose was red and sore. His eyes were glassy and his glands were slightly swollen. As usual when Kurt was sick, he would call Mercedes, she would bring over her Cajun Buffalo Chick Soup. This would open up his sinuses, and they would watch a movie or play cards and sometimes, if he was really bad, she would read to him or hang out with Finn when he slipped into relaxing sleep. Kurt heard his bedroom door open, but he didn't want to open his eyes. He was too comfortable. He felt Mercedes presence as she came over to the bed and placed a cold washcloth on his forehead.
'Oh Cedes, thanks! I was really burning up", Kurt said.
"You're welcome".
Kurt opened his eyes only to find himself looking up at a person who wasn't Mercedes. In fact, before him was the last person you'd think would take care of him.
"Santana, hi!", Kurt greeted nervously. She stood before him in a red tank top and blue jeans. Her hair was held in a red headband, which let her raven locks cascade down to the small of her back.
"Lets just get something straight… or, okay, maybe not straight… I just remembered who I'm talking to. Anyway, I'm not your happy sweet nursemaid like your hag squad. I was paid to get you better so don't expect me to be all sweet and nice. Got it?", Santana ranted sternly.
"Yes, ma'am", Kurt answered nervously. "Can I ask why Blaine was not called?"
As Santana was walking out the door, she turned to look at her patient (or victim) and said. "Your sugar daddy has a small gig out of town. He called me to have me tell you." She then left.
Kurt, with all his limited strength, grabbed his phone and smashed numbers in.
"Hello?", Mercedes answered on the other line
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOU FRICKIN MIND!"
Mercedes had to pull her head sharply away from the receiver. "Now, calm yourself, white boy,-"
Kurt interrupted "YOU LEFT ME WITH NURSE RATCHET, HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE CALM?"
"Kurt, I'm going to a family thing, Rachel and Tina have things to do. She was the only person available."
"You gave me the Queen of the Damned, the mistress of all evil, the devil with, might I add, a killer wardrobe". Kurt's voice was calmer now.
"How can she not hear you?" Mercedes asked, her hearing returning.
"Special material in my walls stops sound from going into the halls", Kurt explained.
"I'm sure Blaine's happy about that", his best friend teased.
"Not funny, Cedes", Kurt, responded annoyed.
Mercedes knew he was blushing. "Just try to relax; it won't be that bad. I talked to her beforehand."
(Note from the narrator)
Conversation went something like this:
Two hours before:
"Now listen, San. You only have to take care of Kurt for a couple of hours. You'll get your money on Monday," Mercedes informed. "I want to warn you, though…Kurt can become -how do you say- a big, dramatic diva"
"You mean more than he already is?" asked Santana.
"Ha-ha, very funny. Kurt can just be a little bit demanding and scary when he's ill."
"I think I can deal with his man PMS just make sure you have my money, Wheezy. Laters!", and she hung up.
Present time:
Santana pushed the door open with her foot as she carried in a bed tray. She placed it on Kurt's lap. "Is there anything else you need before I make a few phone calls?" she asked.
"This spoon is too small," Kurt whined, examining the one he had. Santana took it from him then she came back with a bigger one. Kurt looked disappointed
"What's wrong now Hummel?" Santana growled, annoyed.
"This spoon is too big; I'll spill soup all over myself'".
Santana took back the spoon, this time a little more forcefully, and she fetched one to satisfy him.
"Happy? Or do you need me to examine its width and density?" She narrowed her eyes at Kurt.
"Now its fine, but could you be a doll and close the curtains slightly?", he asked. Santana did as requested and went to go back downstairs.
"Um, Santana?"
"What is it now Hummel?", she spun on her heels.
"Can you open them up slightly more?"
Santana grumbled but did as asked.
"Wait, a little more", Kurt said. She did it.
"A little more closed". With a grunt, Santana pulled the curtains once more just a little bit closer together.
"Now you almost got it. Just a bit more". And, with much mental cursing, the curtains were finally perfect. "One last thing, Santana. Could you warm my soup? It's a little too cold". Santana wanted to smash the bowl over his head but rejected the thought when she remembered the sixty dollars waiting for her. She took the bowl with a smile.
"Oh, by the way, it could use some salt."
Twenty minutes later, Kurt's cell phone rang. Kurt answered it to hear, "How you feeling, my little black bird?" Even when he was ill, the sound of Blaine's voice made Kurt feel better.
"Hi baby, I'm doing good. I just feel like I'm in a bad reenactment of misery.
"Oh, come on, Kurt, Santana's not that bad. I know I've only been in New Directions for a couple of weeks, but she doesn't seem scary."
But Blaine knew that the pause on the other line wasn't good. "Okay, so maybe she's a little scary, but she's your friend nonetheless, and-"
"Ok, Tinkerbelle, time for your vitamins. Tell your sugar daddy to hang up
Blaine could hear the dictator voice of Santana.
"Got to go Blaine, Annie Wilkes is here", Kurt whispered. He kissed the phone and hung up. Santana placed a tall glass of water on the side of the bed and opened a small orange container of pills and took one in hand.
"Okay, Hummel, open up", she ordered.
"I don't like those", he said a matter of factly.
"I don't care if you like chocolate milk and rainbows, just take it". She pushed one between Kurt's dry lips, and then he responded in turn by spitting it out on the covers. Santana muttered something in anger and put another one in Kurt's mouth. He paused this time, but again spat it out. This one made contact with Santana's forehead. The ex-cheerio became red-faced with anger.
"THAT'S IT, YOU'RE TAKING ONE OF THESE THINGS EVEN IF I HAVE TO KILL YOU!" At that moment, she jumped on Kurt, straddling him. She tried to push another of the blue vitamins into his mouth, but Kurt was resistant.
"TAKE IT!"
"NO!"
"I SAID TAKE IT!"
"AND I SAID NO"
"Uh, Santana? Kurt? What you to doing?" Both nurse and patient paused and turned to look at Finn and Puck, who just got back from football practice.
"Knew she'd eventually go after Kurt", Puck said.
"Shut up Puckerman", Santana snapped, giving him a deadly stare. Kurt found the perfect opportunity. He pulled out one of his legs and pushed Santana by the stomach off of him. This resulted in Santana falling off the bed.
"She was trying to kill me", Kurt defended, seeing awe-struck expressions
"Correction. IM GOING TO KILL YOU!", The Latina woman shouted as she jumped at the sick that was Kurt. Both Finn and Puck managed to grab her and were pulling her out of the room.
"LET ME AT THAT VICOUS LITTLE QUEEN; I'M GONNA TARE HIS NOSE OFF HIS FACE!", she shrieked. But they got the angry little girl into the hall.
Then, all three teens could hear, "Oh, these are the blue Vitamins. I like these."
Santana's yell could be heard two blocks away.
She cooled down sitting on the couch. "You did better than I have, San. Kurt actually bit me once", Finn told her, grinning. His encouragement went unnoticed by Santana's pissed demeanor.
"If I have to go up there, I'm gonna kill him", she barked. "But the money's too important to me to screw this up."
"Don't worry, San, we got your back", Puck said.
"Lovely. Tweetle Dee and Tweetle Dumbass think they can help", she scoffed
"Which one am I?", the boys both asked in unison.
Santana could only roll her eyes and smack her forehead in disgust. "I need to find away to scare him into submission. What would Coach Sylvester do?". She paused a moment, then, "Wait, I got it!", she smiled, with an evil chuckle. An hour later, Santana came into Kurt's room with a smile.
"Hello Kurt. I'm sorry about before. I can understand what an uncomfortable situation you're in, and I want to make it easier."
"Okay", Kurt replied, cautiously watching the girl like a hawk. She pulled out an oddly small thermometer.
"Time to take your temperature", she announced. Kurt opened his mouth.
"No, Kurt, its not that kind of thermometer", she said, her grin becoming less cheerful and more the sadistic smile of the Cheshire cat.
"What do you mean?" Kurt asked.
"Boys", she called. Puck and Finn came in.
"Sorry, Kurt", Finn said frowning.
"Dude, I'd hate to be you right now", Puck added. Finn grabbed Kurt's arms, and Puck grabbed his ankles.
It was then Kurt realized what was happening. "Oh, God, no. Anything but this", Kurt begged.
"But it will make things much easier", cackled Santana, who was now sticking the thermometer in a small jar of Vaseline. Kurt could feel the bigger guys going to turn him over.
"Please Santana, I WILL behave, just anything but this!", Kurt begged.
She walked over to him, her eyes in full contact with his. "You sure?", she asked.
"Positive", Kurt groaned. Santana's mood changed back to her regular self, and she said, "Okay, boys, let him go."
Both boys did as asked, and they left. She plucked from her jean pocket a regular thermometer. 'That doesn't have mercury in it, does it? Because I-". Kurt saw the look Santana gave him. He told her, "never mind!" and let the thermometer pass his lips.
"Thought so", Santana grinned.
Santana had gotten her money; however the weekend after, she was sick. Her skin was pale, her nose red and sore, and her glands were slightly swollen. Damn Kurt, she cursed inwardly. She lay in bed waiting for Brittany to come over and take care of her as always. Her bedroom door had opened. She was too tired to open her eyes. A cold towel was put on her forehead.
"Thanks, Britt", she said.
"No problem."
Santana opened her eyes to see the person she never would have suspected. Kurt.
"Britt couldn't make it, I'm afraid. She had a family thing. I'm here to take care of you". Kurt's smile was from ear to ear.