What Hurts the Most

Disclaimer:
I own nothing! All characters used in this fic belong to J.K. Rowling. This was written for the adult fanfiction contest on The Third Floor Corridor.

Rating:
M (just to be safe...for a mild sex scene)

Genre:
Romance/Angst

Pairing:
Snarry ( Snape/Harry) with a brief reference Snape/Remus

Lyrics Used:
"What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Severus Snape sighed as he sat in the bay window in his home at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, watching the falling snow while neglecting the tea he'd been drinking earlier in the afternoon. His mind was drifitng back to a time when he'd had everything he could have ever wanted. When he'd been truly happy. It was a time that he would never have thought to be possible for him. It was a time when he'd felt truly loved. He remembered the way Harry had felt, wrapped up in his arms and held close to his body. The warmth of the embrace radiating through his entire body. A warmth that he missed dearly. He couldn't believe he'd been fool enough to actually go and throw it all away. He remembered the pain written in Harry's eyes when he'd walked into their bedroom for the final time.

Severus was lying on his back on their bed while his other lover, Remus Lupin pulled out of him. Just after Remus' final thrust into him, Severus caught sight of the door opening out of the corner of his eye as Remus' member slid out of him. Realizing who it was walking in, Severus muttered under his breath "Shit!" Fighting his way out from underneath Remus, Severus hurriedly slipped his robe on to cover his naked body. "Harry!...Harry, wait!" He called after his younger lover. Damn it! I've fucked this up royally...He thought to himself as Harry whirled around to face him. Severus saw the tears streaming down his face as he yelled back at him.

"WAIT?! FOR WHAT, SEVERUS?! FOR YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE SORRY?! THAT IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN OR THAT IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?! OR WORSE FOR YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HIM AND JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK IT TO ME?! NO, SEVERUS! I WON'T BE MADE A FOOL OF! ESPECIALLY NOT BY YOU!..." Harry took a deep breath as he continued on dramatically quieter. "I thought you loved me!...I trusted you!...How could you do this to me?!" Shaking his head he dismissed the thought. "You know what, forget it. It doesn't even matter anymore! It's over, Severus!

Severus sighed. That had been over two years ago. He'd wanted to tell Harry so much but, in the end, knew that he would only sound forced and would only fall on deaf ears. No, if Harry wanted to leave, Severus knew he ultimately had no choice but to let him. He wouldn't force Harry to stay in a relationship with a man he couldn't trust. And Severus couldn't blame him for not trusting him. After all, he had betrayed Harry-lied to him.

He thought he could be happy with Remus. Thought he could find a way to find the same happiness with him as he had found in Harry. He supposed he knew all along that no one could ever compare to his Harry. Your Harry? The voice inside his head sneered tauntingly at him. Remember, Severus, you gave up that right a long time ago...He's no longer your Harry...Nor will he ever be again. Severus knew this was true. He knew Harry would never want him back and, honestly, who could blame him? Still, a man could dream, couldn't he?

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Severus also thought about the poetic justice that had been served to him not so long ago. He'd been at the Three Broomsticks while supervising a Hogsmeade visit when he had seen Remus sitting at a table off in the corner in the back of the pub and, of course, he wasn't alone. Using the skills he'd garnered as a spy to get close enough to still be hidden in the shadows while still being able to listen in on the conversation between the two men. He watched the other man climbed into Remus' lap, wrapping his arms around him and...kissing him. Severus couldn't help feeling as though he'd deserved it. Now, he knew the pain of betrayal Harry had felt when he'd seen Severus with Remus.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

Severus sighed as he got up to warm what had now become his cold cup of tea. When he arrived in his kitchen, he heard a knock on his door. Who could that be? He thought to himself as he set his cup down on the counter and moved through the kitchen to the living room to answer the door. Opening the door, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Twenty-seven year-old Harry Potter. The young man had bags under his eyes, indicating an obvious lack of sleep that looked like it had gone on for years. Other than that and the overall appearance of exhaustion, Harry looked every bit as beautiful as he had two years ago.

"H-Harry?" The greeting came in the form of a choked whisper. Just seeing the man was causing Severus to have to fight back the tears. He couldn't believe Harry of all people would come to see him. Especially after all this time. "Wh-What are you doing here?" Severus asked, trying like hell to maintain his composure.

Smiling his first genuine smile in two years, Harry replied "Severus..." He slowly raised a cold hand to cup Severus' warm cheek, brushing away a few stray tears that had betrayed Severus' true feelings about seeing Harry again. Slowly retracting his hand, Harry continued on to say "I heard about what happened between you and Remus..."

Severus knew what Harry was referring to and was fully expecting Harry to rub it in his face that he'd gotten a taste of his own medicine. However he stepped aside to let Harry inside anyway. He was thoroughly shocked when he saw a look of understanding sorrow written in Harry's once brilliant emerald orbs. Severus also noticed that Harry's eyes had dimmed as well and had become dull and lifeless since he'd left over two years ago. He was soon snapped out of his thoughts, however, when Harry spoke up again.

"I'm really sorry, Severus..." He replied with a tone of genuine honesty in his voice. He knew Severus had to have been hurt by Remus' actions. He knew the pain of betrayal all too well. Severus, however, merely bowed his head as though he was ashamed of some wrong doing of his own.

"You shouldn't have to be...I deserved it, after all..After what I did to you..." Severus replied. His voice was nothing more than a broken whisper. Harry's heart went out to the older man. They were both surprised when Harry found himself wrapping his arms around Severus briefly, taking in his ever familiar scent and the feeling of having Severus in his arms once again after what had felt like an eternity. However, he soon returned to his senses, much to Severus' disappointment. Clearing his throat, he added. "But, I guess that isn't exactly my reason for coming here..."

Curious, Severus asked "And what was your reason for coming here?" Part of him told him he probably didn't want to know the answer but yet the majority of him told him that he had to know. Be it good or bad, Severus had to know the truth. He wasn't going to give up the slightest chance at getting Harry back.

"You're wrong, you know..." Harry replied by way of explanation. He took the confused expression on Severus's face as a cue to continue. "When you said you deserved what Remus did to you...You were wrong...Nobody deserves that...Especially you...I would've been okay with you and Remus had I thought you would've been happy...That's all I've ever wanted. Regardless of whether or not I was the one who made you happy..." Sighing, Harry continued. "I came here tonight because...Well because I wanted to give us another chance...Truth be told, I need you...Your face is the last thing I see when I try to go to sleep at night and the first thing I see when I wake up...I love you-even after all that's happened-I still love you...I've come to realize that nothing could ever change that..."

As Harry finished his statement, Severus saw that there were tears streaming down his face and knew right away that Harry was being honest with him. Harry's words had stunned Severus into silence. He snapped back to reality when he heard a muttered "It was a mistake to come here..." As Harry made to leave, Severus-on instinct-gently grabbed onto Harry's wrist, effectively stopping him dead in his tracks. It hit him that Harry thought that he was being rejected.

Pulling the younger man closer to him, Severus cupped Harry's cheeks in his hands before throwing caution to the wind and lowered his head and brushed his lips against Harry's. Before he could pull back, Harry cupped his hands around the back of Severus' neck, holding him in place, before deepening the kiss. As the two parted for air, Severus spoke up softly.

"I love you, Harry." Severus smiled his first genuine smile in over two years for he knew it was true. And he'd been a fool to ever doubt that even for a second.

Smiling himself, Harry replied just as softly "I always knew you did..."