Know You
I wake up staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. Confusion clouds my mind until I realize there is a weight on my chest. I look down to a mess of blonde curls that belong to none other than Tess Harding. Then it all comes rushing back to me. Kissing her, touching her, becoming one with her, floating in a warm glow of white light with her. Her voice saying my name in reverence over and over again. I had sex with her. I had sex for the first time. With her. Tess. Tess- my alien wife in a past life I hardly remember. Tess- who when she moved here would not stop talking about destiny. Our destiny. Together.
Oh my god, what is Liz going to think? My Liz. My Liz who slept with Kyle. My Liz who I still love and I know still loves me. And I slept with Tess. Oh my god.
Gently I move her off my chest. I look down at her. Has she always been this pretty? Her skin is so smooth with the right amount of pink on her cheeks to match her full lips. Her full lips that are resting in a small crooked smile that is just for me to see. Her eyelids open slowly to reveal crystal blue eyes that I never realized were so… mesmerizing.
"Hey," she whispers, a smile pulling at her mouth. Her voice is thick with sleep and sends a chill down my spine.
"Hey," I respond a little less sure. She snuggles back into my chest and I don't push her away. Why don't I push her away? Why did I let this happen? I like Tess. I like being with Tess. And I know she cares about me, but this? THIS is SEX! With Tess! Sex with Tess! I was worried about the implications of kissing her at prom but this? What am I-
"Max?"
"Yes?" I jump at the sound of her voice which doesn't go unnoticed. She looks up at me with her blue eyes.
"You okay?" she laughs nervously and I smile unconvincingly with an even more unconvincing nod. She sits up and moves away from me. I become cold and I oddly miss her. "You regret it, don't you?" She whispers it so quietly, so timid.
"What? No I-"
"You don't have to lie to me, Max. I know you didn't want it to be me and it's fine," she turns her head to look back at me but not fully. She's trying to act okay. Okay because she thinks I'm going to brush her off, thinks that I used her for a night because I was upset about someone else.
"Tess, lay back down," I say softly, touching her arm to guide her down by me. She lays back down but across from me this time. I lay facing her. Some curls fall into her eyes and I want to move them for her, but she beats me to it. "I don't regret it," and I don't. Her eyes meet mine in disbelief. I grab her hand resting in between us and bring it to my lips.
"Why?"
"Because you- you're Tess," I look at our hands intertwined and I wonder why we've never done this before. Not the sex thing but the holding hands thing. Taking a deep breath I try to explain to her what I've been thinking and feeling and what I think I might be sure of. "Look I don't know what this means… for us. But I do know that I like you. I also remember you. I remember us. Remember when you told me how you had memories of me reaching out and touching you in the middle of the night?" I look from our hands to her and she nods, smiling another small smile for just me.
"Well I remember that. I remember how happy we were. How much I loved you then. I remember Zan and Ava. And the Zan in me, he loves Ava. I, as in me Max, love Ava. And I guess that means part of me loves part of you already. I know Ava and I remember her, but I don't know you, Tess. Me and Zan are different so I know you and her are. I don't want to spend time loving someone who you used to be. I want to get to know you and memorize you and be with you, Tess. Not because it's our destiny or because Zan loves Ava. But because I care about you, and like being with you, and I just like you." I take a breath, afraid to look at her. Destiny is important to Tess so I hope I didn't offend her. She pulls her hand from mine and rejection immediately shoots through my body.
"Max," her hand touches my cheek and I'm instantly calmed. Our eyes meet and replacing the rejection is a sense of pride that I'm the one who keeps making her smile. She kisses me and it's quiet. No flashes. No glowing light. Just her lips on mine, her tongue tasting me, and my hands re-exploring her body. I want to taste every part of it. Feel every part of it. My lips go to her neck and my hands travel down her small body beneath me. God has she always felt this good?
Small whimpers and moans escape her lips as my hand gets closer to its destination. She's already wet for me and the pride surges through my body again.
My name tumbles off her lips lazily, her back arching up into my hand. "Max?" her voice makes my dick twitch and I can't help but want to take her again.
"Yes, baby?" I whisper against her skin. Internally I cringe at the pet name, not really sure where it came from.
"Oh god, Max…. Max, wait, stop," her hand is on mine freezing its actions.
"What? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" Why does she want me to stop? What if I hurt her? Is this because I called her "baby"?
"I just think…" her hand is on her forehead and her chest is rapidly rising and I can't look away. Her breasts are so perfect and her skin is so damn soft and warm. "I think we should stop. As much as I would love to keep going, I really need to get home before Valenti starts a search party."
"Oh yeah, sure. I'm sorry, I should have thought of that," I'm panicking again. How could I be so stupid? Of course she would want to go home and not sleep on the floor of the observatory. She kisses me one more time before I gather our clothes. I'm not really sure where to look so I just stare at my hands, but I want to see her again. I feel perverted but she's so beautiful.
I watch as she covers her chest with a purple bra and I think about how I'm the only who's ever seen her like this. With her skin flushed, and her hair a mess, and her blue eyes glazed over with lust and her lips swollen from mine. And now I'm wondering why I wasn't with her sooner. I'm still watching her and decide she needs to know how pretty she is. "Like what you see?" she jokes laughing at my expression. I duck my head and think I might have even blushed for getting caught staring.
"You're really beautiful, Tess," I mutter shyly and now she's the one blushing. Her smile is huge and I've decided I like being the one to put it there. She leans in whispering a soft thank you right before her lips brush mine.
"You ready?" I ask when she pulls away. With closed eyes and her teeth biting her bottom lip, she nods her head yes.
Quietly, Tess opens her door trying not to wake Kyle on the couch. For a minute we just stand there. Suddenly I feel awkward and uncomfortable. It's like as soon as we left the observatory this all became so much more real. That what happened actually happened, and we can't take it back. I told her I wanted to be with her. Do I? She is really pretty. And funny. Also smart. She makes me happy. I think maybe one day I could love her. Wasn't that what I was made to do? Love Tess Harding?
"So…I'll see you at school tomorrow?" her voice breaks me from my thoughts. School. A public place where I'll have to see her. And Liz. And Isabel. And everyone else I know. I nod trying to not let my anxiety show. "Okay," I lean down and kiss her because I don't know what else to do. Her hand finds its way into my hair and I can't help but pull her closer to me. I'm so confused and she feels so good. So right.
"What the hell?" a light flips on breaking us from the world we've formed in the last few hours. I look at Tess but she looks just about as lost as me.
"Umm..we were just umm-" she stutters, pointing between me and her.
"Yeah, I'm sure you were. Just get to your room," Valenti motions behind him towards Tess/Kyle's room. His eyes are tired and his hair is pointed in a million different directions. He looks older somehow. More worn down.
"Yes, sir," Tess mutters respectfully. I've never seen her so obedient. Usually she walks around like she's still a queen in the life, taking orders from no one.
I open my mouth to tell Valenti I'm sorry and I won't keep her out this late again. "Max, go home. We'll talk about it later," he turns and goes back towards his room, shutting off the light.
"Yes, sir," I repeat Tess' words before hurrying out the door.
It's tomorrow at lunch and I haven't seen Tess all morning. Isabel won't talk to me and Liz keeps staring at me. Usually the idea of her staring would make me happy but instead of her brown eyes I keep picturing bright blue ones. Her stares are also less endearing and more accusing. Like she knows what Tess and I did. The only people I told were Michel and Isabel, and I don't think they'd tell her. Unless Michel told Maria and Maria told Liz which isn't a long shot at all.
"Hey," I feel a soft touch on my shoulder from behind me. I know that voice. She sits down next to me and I'm hit with a wave of relief. I try not to be too obvious about it.
"Hey! Where have you been? I've been looking for you all day. I was starting to get worried," yes. So subtle. Very smooth, Maxwell.
"Sorry," she giggles. "I overslept and Jim didn't wake me up as a form of my punishment."
"Letting you miss the first half of school because you were out too late is a punishment?"
"Well, he knew I had a huge English test I couldn't afford to miss and I did."
"Oh, no, I'm sorry about that. Are they going to let you make it up?" I don't try and hide the guilt in my voice. I'm the one who kept her out. The reason why she was out.
"It's okay. I'll probably just mind warp them into letting me take it. Besides, it was worth it," she tells me sweetly. She's biting her lip again, her blonde hair framing her face. I kiss her softly, slowly, not even worrying about who might see us. When I pull away she sighs pressing her forehead against mine. "You don't care if people see? You don't want to keep things just between us for now?"
"No," I tell her. Why would I want to do that? Does she want to? "Do you…want to keep things just between us?"
"No," she shakes her head slightly. She leans back and looks down at her hands, twisting them nervously in her lap. "I just know your friends all kinda hate me. I thought you did too. Well didn't like me at least so I thought maybe you'd want to tell them yourself. Ya know before we went public or anything. Or even if we become anything…" My heart drops at this. Of course I like her. The prospect of me and her is what I don't really like.
"Tess, no one hates you," she looks at me like I'm full of it. "It's true. And why would you think that I don't like you?" She just shrugs. I know there's more but I don't want to pry. This vulnerable, emotional side is one I have never seen on her before.
"I can tell you're scared, Max. You even told me you were scared of us being together the other night," she's right. I did tell her that and the idea of being with her is terrifying. I mean we have this whole history together I can barely recall. The idea of a destiny not with Liz Parker is baffling to me. So what am I doing with Tess? Am I using her? "Are you using me to get back at Liz?" she whispers. Is she in my head?
"I….I don't know, Tess. Maybe. It's just…I love her. And she might love me but she's decided I'm not what she wants anymore. Maybe I am and for some reason she's pushing me away, and that almost makes it hurt more. That she doesn't believe in us or think we're worth it anymore. That I'm not worth it and I want to move on," I pause letting what I just admitted out loud settle in. "Then there's you," I continue. I can't read her expression. She looks hurt and hopeful and still so heartbreakingly perfect. "You come here and immediately I'm attracted to you. Whether you mind-warped those fantasies into my head or not, I still thought about you all the time. The first time I saw you I knew there was…something. You've always stood by me and I know I can count on you." I try to take her hand in mine, but she pulls away. My heart sinks even further.
"Max, I don't want to be your second choice. I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I don't even want to be your pre-determined destiny. I just want to be enough…for you."
"There is no choice, Tess," I rest my hand on her cheek forcing her eyes to mine. I need her to understand. "If I wanted to keep pursuing Liz I would. If I wanted to find someone else I would. I want neither of those things. I want you. Not Liz, not some other girl, not Ava. I want Tess." There's a ghost of small smile playing at her lips. "Okay?"
"Okay," she whispers sweetly. We sit there for a moment, her hands grasping mine a little tightly. She stares down at them smiling while I look at her. I'm going to do this. I'm going to try with her. Looking at her right now I can't think of a reason not to. "Do you want to walk me to class?" Her voice is louder. More confident than before, but her eyes are still downcast and shy.
"Of course," I tell her.
"Okay, well then let's go….baby," she looks up at me laughing with a wide smile and amusement sparkling in her eyes. My eyes open wide and shoot up to hers. For a split second I'm embarrassed then the next I find myself laughing too. Much like her quiet, vulnerable side, I haven't seen much of her playful side. She stands up pulling me to her, still giggling.
"HA HA," I joke back. "Excuse me for being caught up in the moment," I defend myself as we start walking to the nearest entrance.
"Ohhhh… is that what that was? Maybe you should get 'caught up in the moment' more often, hmm?" she raises an eyebrow and wraps her arms around my neck. Other student's move around us, hardly paying us any attention.
"Maybe I will," and then we're kissing again for everyone to see. I smile against her lips and feel her do the same. As much as I like making her happy, I like how she makes me happy. No matter how fleeting it might be, it's nice. The bell rings and she pulls away from me.
"Mmm," she whines slightly, pressing her forehead to mine. I pull her closer, wrapping my arms tighter her around her waist. We have a few minutes and I'm not quite ready to let her go just yet. "I'll see you at the end of the day?" she asks.
"Yeah. I'll come find you," I kiss her one last time before she pulls out of my embrace. She looks back at me smiling and when she turns around I can picture her face: flushed cheeks and her teeth biting into her bottom lip, her eyes downcast. I wonder if everyone else she walks by notices how pretty she is. How close to perfect. I wonder how it took me this long to notice it.
I move into the sea of rushing students, paying no attention to them, and them paying no attention to me. Well, all except for one.