Just your standard angsty Rolivia fic. Set nowhere in particular in the grand scheme of SVU timeline and only vaguely follows canon at brief mentions of a couple of things that occured. For all intense purposes, Olivia doesn't yet know about Amanda's gambling addiction.
Trigger warnings for talk of Self Harm and minor hints at suicidal feelings.
Fic title is based on a song of the same name by Skillet.
I'll get back to writing Little Toy Guns shortly, I fried my own head with the last two chapters I posted so a short break was required. My plan was actually to work on that tonight, but suddenly this came to me and I can't stop thinking about it. Enjoy!
It was a swelteringly hot day in Manhattan. The sun beating down between the colossal buildings all morning long. The SVU team had caught a case a few days prior, and whilst horrific, was thankfully open and shut. Typically, today of all days, the air conditioning unit of the 16th precinct had decided to pack up, sending the temperatures inside the building soaring. That coupled with the case they had just closed and the humongous pile of paperwork that followed meant that Detective Olivia Benson was having an absolute shitter of a day.
It was days like these that made her question her whole existence. It was days like these that brought all her compulsions and demons to the surface. The seasoned brunette detective had a deep, dark secret. Something she had worked especially hard to keep hidden throughout her tenure with the unit. Something she had struggled with from a young age. An addiction of sorts.
"Is it even legal to work in these temperatures." Amanda Rollins suddenly exclaimed, causing the whole team to look in the blondes direction. She was one of the newer members of the team, but was by no means the least experienced, having worked sex crimes back in Atlanta.
"Maybe you should google it?" Nick Amaro responded. The dark haired gentleman standing from his desk to get yet more water.
"It doesn't matter. It isn't like we have the luxury of choosing when rapists and murders strike." Olivia says sharply, receiving a grumble from Amanda, Nick and Fin in acknowledgement.
"How can you wear that?" The blonde detective piped up again after a few more minutes of silently working on their paperwork. The brunette was dressed in her usual work attire of black slacks and a long sleeved shirt, a cami underneath. She felt like she was dying because of the heat, sweat beginning to seep through the fabric. The heat was getting to them all. The other members of the squad had dressed more suitably for the weather however, donning their short sleeved shirts. Fin even losing his usual undervest as well.
Olivia just shrugged in response, suddenly busying herself with the task at hand. The sooner her paperwork was done, the sooner she could get out of the precinct and home. Amanda studied the older detective, she'd been subconsciously doing it more and more over the last few months. Surveying her behaviour, watching the way she worked. It all started in a bid to learn from the brunette when Harris had switched up the partnerships, but shortly after Amanda had noticed her eyes lingering on her partner for too long, drifting to her voluptuous breasts, or watching the way her hips swayed when she walked. She knew she was in trouble then, but she couldn't stop herself. If nothing else, Amanda knew she had it bad for her colleague, and that was never a good thing.
Giving herself a mental slap, the blonde dropped her eyes back to her own paperwork. Speeding through the stack of DD5's and making sure all her case files were sorted ready for the ADA. She wanted nothing more than to go home and lounge on the couch with an ice cold beer or two watching the game.
"Right, the lot of you, get out of here. I've just had the commissioner on the phone and with this heat, he doesn't want anyone suing the NYPD. But remember you're all still on duty, just because you aren't in the station doesn't make this a vacation day." Captain Cragen says from the doorway of his office. Even the older captain that always has a long sleeved shirt and tie on is sporting a short sleeve with open collar today. He briefly meets Olivia's eyes, who looks like she is going to argue, before he adds to his statement "Thats an order." The brunette rolls her eyes, unable to stop herself, knowing that was for her benefit.
Following orders, Olivia puts her jacket on over her soaking shirt and gathers up her belongings. Dreading the idea of going home to be alone. She was always alone, and once she was, that is when her demons would come out to play. The others were chatting animatedly about being able to escape for the day, allowing the brunette to slip out of the precinct unseen. Her mind was already beginning to mess with her and she didn't know how long she would be able to plaster the facade onto her features before the cracks began to show.
Hours later, Olivia found herself sat at home on her couch. Still in her work clothes, still wearing her jacket. She'd arrived home at about 3pm, entering her apartment and locking the outside world at bay behind her. Sitting on the couch, she hadn't so much as flinched in any direction since finding a comfortable position. Choosing to just sit there staring into oblivion instead. Darkness had fallen over the Manhattan skyline some time ago and now it was a little before 11pm. The brunettes thoughts were becoming overwhelming and she had no idea how to handle to constant urges that filled her on a daily basis. She stood abruptly, grabbing her keys and began walking through the darkness of the city. Not thinking about where she was going, just trying anything to keep her thoughts busy on anything but her torment.
Amanda awoke on the couch to the sound of someone knocking her apartment door. She had fallen asleep a while earlier towards the end of the game. The television still playing softly in the background. A couple of empty beer bottles littered across the coffee table. Dragging herself to stand, Amanda clumsily stumbles across the room towards her door, standing on her tiptoes to check the spy hole. Confusion spread across her face when she realised Olivia was standing on the other side.
Her mind started to reel. Why was her partner at her apartment door? She hadn't slept through her cell ringing again had she? She had got so lost in her own thoughts that she'd actually forgotten that Olivia was waiting for her to open the door, until the brunette knocked again. Sliding the deadbolt, Amanda opened the door.
"Liv?" Amanda said nervously, hoping to God that she hadn't actually missed any calls, her partner hated it with a passion when she did that.
"I uh, can I come in?" The brunette asks Amanda tentatively, her gaze never leaving the floor. She isn't even sure how she ended up here, she was walking aimlessly through the streets and before she knew it, she was at the blondes door, knocking without a thought of the consequences. The question and uncertainty in Olivia's voice stuns the blonde for a few seconds before she stands aside and allows the older woman to enter her home. Amanda closes and locks the door behind her, taking a deep breath before turning to face the brunette.
Amanda regards her friend for a few moments, noticing every inch of despair displayed for her to see. Olivia was always so put together at work, never displaying any weakness. Never showing any emotion that wasn't related to the case at hand. Her front so solidly put up that it was impossible to know what was really going on within her head.
"Can I get you a drink?" Amanda finally asks, needing the silence to cease for just a few seconds. Olivia just shakes her head, her eyes finally meeting amanda's blue orbs. The anguish as clear as day in Olivia's chocolate globes looking back at her.
"What's going on Liv?" Amanda asks cautiously, not wanting to cause her partner to build her walls back up high..
"I just, I couldn't be alone." Olivia stutters emotionally.
Amanda makes her way back into the living room, softly taking the brunettes hand as she passes, leading them both in the direction of the couch. She's glad Olivia chose to come to her, to avoid being alone, but the concern she feels right now is overwhelming. This isn't like her colleague at all. Usually so strong and in control. Amanda had a feeling it was all a front, having been there herself at the hands of her gambling addiction, but she never called her friend out on it. She's seen the level of hopelessness she can see now in victims they have helped. People that felt there was no other way than to put an end to their lives, to everything. Hell she'd even seen that look in her own sisters eyes before. It scared her.
Carefully removing Olivia's jacket, the blonde sat down, pulling the woman she had grown increasingly attracted to tightly into her body. Her arms wrapped strongly around Olivia's middle as they sit quietly, her fingers carefully brushing against the back of the brunettes hand, the action causing the older detective to flinch almost unnoticably, to the untrained eye it wouldn't have even been spotted, but Amanda is a detective, not much gets past her. Amanda waits to see if her partner is actually going to open up, or whether she is once again going to bury everything she feels deep down inside of herself.
Long moments of silence pass before Olivia opens her mouth to speak.
"I don't know what's worth fighting for anymore." She mutters, this statement, along with the look in her eyes, immediately makes Amanda nervous. She had a bad feeling, and her friends words just made it clear that her worst thoughts about the brunettes state of mind were in fact true.
Growing up with a schizophrenic sister, she knew the signs of someone that was at their lowest better than most. The distant look in their eyes, withdrawn from conversation and socialising. More often than not, the need to feel something, any way possible, whether through hurting themselves physically, sleeping around, or finding some other way. Amanda knew the signs a little too well, so how had she not spotted this sooner? How had she missed the signs in someone she had been watching closely for months? Unless Olivia hasn't changed, and she's been suffering all that time, alone.
"Liv, look at me." Amanda says keeping her tone soft as she shifts carefully on the couch to allow Olivia space to look at her. The brunette turns towards her slightly, their faces close due to their general proximity. "There was a time I felt like that. Whatever it is, whatever is going on, there's a lot of things worth fighting for. Whether it's the victims we see day in, day out, justice, love, family, happiness. There's a lot of things worth fighting for." Amanda states simply, pure conviction in her voice. There was a time she didn't even believe her own words, but over time she'd learnt to accept herself, to become a better person than she was.
"Sometimes I wonder how you're so wise for someone so young." Olivia says, the faintest of smiles tugging at her lips.
"Schizophrenic sister, gambling addiction, bisexual." Amanda says nonchalantly, wanting to help Olivia to feel like she can open up to her. Partly because she wants to help, but also because she's enjoying having the brunette so close to her, in her arms.
"Oh." Olivia responds, a somber expression crossing her face again, quickly replacing the brief flicker of surprise.
"I didn't tell you that to make you feel bad or uncomfortable. I just wanted you to know, we all have demons, we all have things that we do and have struggled with. When things were especially bad, I turned to gambling to numb the pain and ultimately it made things worse. How do you cope? On the bad days?" The blonde asks carefully, she's not stupid and she has a fair idea that it has to be either alcohol or pain, but she isn't sure which.
Olivia thinks carefully about Amanda's question for a minute, looking for something in the blondes bright blue eyes as she does. This isn't exactly what she'd had in mind when she'd knocked on the blondes door. In all honesty, she didn't know what she was thinking, but pouring her heart out about her problems wasn't it. But now, here she was and it was decision time, open up and finally let someone else in, or brush it off and lie.
Without saying a word, the older brunette detective frees her hands from Amanda's grip, fumbling slightly with the button on the cuff of one of her sleeves. Suddenly she stops, unable to actually take the step she was so close to.
"Can I?" Amanda asks caringly, earning herself a short nod from her partner.
Slowly, she undoes the button of Olivia's cuff, pushing the sleeve up slightly. Olivia's eyes have fallen closed, ashamed at her own weaknesses as the blondes fingers carefully trace the scars across her arms for a couple of seconds. Lifting her head, Amanda places a kiss to the older detectives forehead. She doesn't know why she does it. Maybe its because she'd glad Olivia opened up to her, maybe its because she's glad than instead of being alone, Olivia sought her out, maybe its just because of her ever growing feelings for her partner. In that moment, the reason doesn't matter, all that matters is the look in Olivia's eyes when their gaze meets once more.
"What?" Amanda asks, a soft smile falling across her face.
"I don't know, I guess I was expecting something else." Olivia says, the smallest of smiles forming at the corners of her own mouth.
"Like what? A lecture? Me telling you you're stupid or disgusting? That you're damaged?" Amanda asks seriously.
"Well, yeah." Olivia responds, dropping her head again to look at her now exposed scars.
"Liv, Nothing about you is stupid, or disgusting. We are all damaged in some way. I see you deal with unfathomable situations on a daily basis. You're the strongest and most beautiful person I know, and I am proud to be your partner." Amanda tells her, earning a fully smile from Olivia, a smile that actually reaches her eyes. Something she hasn't ever seen on the brunettes face before.
The two detectives sit looking at each other, taking each other in as the seconds tick by. Something between them has changed, both of them can sense it. But neither is sure if its the sharing or the last few words the blond had spoken.
"I should go, its late." Olivia finally says although it's obvious that's not what she wants as she makes no attempt to extricate herself from Amanda's arms.
"You don't have to." Amanda responds a little too quickly, causing their eyes to lock fully. Time feels like it stands still, both women feel like they're holding their breath. The tingle in Olivia's skin still remaining from where Amanda had traced the scars across her arm.
Olivia moves first, inching slightly closer to her blonde partner, their hot breath mingling together due to the closeness of their lips. Amanda's eyes glued to the piercing brown eyes of Olivia. Olivia's eyes flickering between the blondes mouth and her eyes, looking for any sign that this is unwanted. But it isn't, the shade of Amanda's irises making that obvious to her, the usually bright blue slightly darker.
Finally, unable to stop herself, Amanda closes the tiny remaining distance, kissing Olivia with everything she can muster up. Putting everything she's been feeling for her colleague for the last few months into the kiss. Showing Olivia that she is loved, she is wanted, she is needed even, by Amanda at least.
For tonight at least, Amanda had helped Olivia in a way she didn't think imaginable.
Thanks for reading. Please hit review... This totally didn't go how I had intended it to, not that I'm even surprised anymore since that seems to be a standard for my stories lately. x