PROLOGUE

"Let's have a baby."

He looked up from the sports magazine that he was currently reading as he adjusted his glasses to look at the brown-haired man standing a couple feet away from him. It seemed that the man was also gripping a folder in one of his tanned hands as he responded a little cautious, "I'm sorry, what was that?"

He must have heard wrong, because there was no way the brown haired boy that he met over a decade ago was actually asking what he thought he heard. In a few quick strides, the lean man who quit being a boy a long time ago went up to the kitchen table where he was sitting at and slammed his hands on the marble surface as he looked at him with burning golden brown eyes as he stated one more time, with confidence this time, "Kazuya, let's have a baby."

As a couple of silent moments past, his laughter suddenly engulfed the entire apartment as he tried to hold onto his stomach as his deep chuckles consumed his entire speech. If not for his never ending laughter, he would have already asked his partner who in the world put him up to this. 'It must have been Kuramochi', he thought to himself as he wiped actual tears from his eyelids. Kuramochi probably was still fuming about how he embarrassed him in front of his date from last week.

His chuckles turned into snickers as he was already contemplating on how to get revenge on his best friend. "Hey Ei, tell me again when do we have dinner with Kuram-", his speech was cut off as he finally saw the face of the forgotten male standing in front of him. The man who he had always known to be rowdy and noisy that could never stay in one place was suddenly motionless, as he was looking straight at him with rosy cheeks and a determined expression.

His eyes no longer held the fire they did a couple minutes ago, before he declared his absurd statement, but he could still see his resolve. The brown haired man, who he decided to spend the rest of his life with suddenly stood up straighter almost as if he was trying to suck in all the air around him, trying to give him the same courage it gave him on the mound, was contemplating on what to say next, "I know it sounds crazy…"

Immediately he cut him off as he gripped the table and finally stood up from his seat. "Crazy? Are you being serious right now? It doesn't sound crazy, it sounds straight out ridiculous." Never in his life has he been more grateful for those few centimeters that he has on the now surprised eyed man– no, not man. No matter how many years the brown haired freckled male gains he will always have the thinking of a boy.

He see's the boy regain his composure as he takes a step back from him and this time actually takes a deep breath out loud. "Kazuya, listen to me for a second, it does sound crazy, okay it does," he says with his hands in the air, the folder no longer between his fingers but now forgotten on the table, "Listen to me, it sounds crazy but it's not impossible."

"Oh yea Eijun, please tell me so." His voice no longer has any trace of amusement. It is replaced with dripping sarcasm and a sneer that is plastered across his face as he looks down at the boy in front of him. "Stop that." The twenty-eight-year-old boy demands squinting his eyes at him, "I hate when you do that."

"I beg your pardon Eijun, what am I doing wrong?" He crosses his arms as his smirk widens.

"Stop being an ass is what you are doing wrong. I am trying to talk to you." He knows that he is acting like a jerk. He knows that he is acting like an ass but they shouldn't even be having this ridiculous conversation in the first place.

"No, go on Eijun, you were going to tell me about how two males can conceive a child, right? I mean where have I been to miss this biological development?"

"Stop, common, you know what I mean."

"No, I don't, please enlighten me." He sees the boy clench his hands into two fists and he suddenly takes a step forward to him and softly grabs him by the shoulders to hold him in place which in turn makes him look directly at his face, at those big golden brown eyes that are shining so bright that Kazuya thinks he might go blinder if he keeps staring at them.

Almost like a spell all the sarcasm Kazuya was holding onto dispels and his facial expression softens as Eijun starts rubbing his shoulders as he smiles so gently that makes Kazuya's heart beat faster, and finally whispers softly to him, "Hey Kazuya, let's start a family."

This time, he doesn't raise his voice, he doesn't spring out his sarcasm as a defense mechanism, he only grabs one of his lover's hand as his other hand caresses the sun burned freckled face because he knows that this is really what the other boy wishes and he doesn't know why his heart starts aching because this dream is something they can never have. "Eijun, we can't."

The face in front of him smooth and beautiful leans against his calloused hand, "I know we physically can't but there are other options for us."

He pulls his hands away from the divine being in front of him and he feels his chest hurt and his blood rise again because why can't Eijun understand.

"Eijun, there is no option for us." "There ar–", he cuts him off before he can say anything else, "No there isn't."

He sees Eijun start opening his mouth again, to splutter out more nonsense and he steps in to continue before this wild idea starts getting out of hand, "Eijun, we are not even married. We will never be married. If I were to die I could never leave my assets to you."

He sees the surprised look of the man in front him, clearly not expecting those words, "Kazuya, don't say that." He sees Eijun take a step back as his shoulders slump down and he bites his lip down because they are always painfully aware of their situation, "I have to say it, because how can you even think that starting a family is possible for you and me."

He hates the way those big golden brown eyes look so crestfallen. He hates how his life partner's facial expression now looks so morbid and he hates how he knows Eijun is biting his lips to stop the tears that have started forming at the side of those big golden brown eyes.

He sees Eijun open his mouth trying to form sentences and as he starts speaking he hears Eijun's voice begin to break, "I mean, I know it's not going to be easy and I'm not asking for us to do anything right now, but maybe in the future when the news coverage of you slows down you know, maybe we can maybe see if we can start looking into this?"

He lets an exasperated sigh and pushes back his hair as he realizes that his words are not going through to the thick skull that is being covered with messy brown hair. "I mean, Rei-san advised that…", the rest of the words fall short as Kazuya finally erupts in anger, "Dammit Eijun, are you fucking serious, you even asked Rei, are you seriously out of your mind?"

The startled boy stands frozen in place as he continues to let out his frustration, "You want to have a child? How in the world is that going to happen when we live in a country that doesn't accept same-sex marriage and even frowns upon it! Has playing abroad given you wild fantasies? Why do you think that we had to find a place far away from Tokyo, from the media from all the damn speculation and gossip?"

Almost as if snapping out of a trance, Eijun clenches his fist as he yells back, red faced and no trace of dry tears left, "Don't you think I know?! Don't you think I know why you can't come home every weekend when the rest of the players go home to their significant others? Don't you think I know why we can't go out in public and show affection like other couples do? Don't you think I don't know why we can only show our love inside these goddam four walls as if loving each other was a crime?"

He has never felt so much weight on his chest as he finally sees the tears streaming down Eijun's flushed face, "Then why aren't you understanding?"

"I understand. I understand all of it okay, Kazuya? But why do we have to give up everything just because others don't understand our love? I want to raise a family with you, why can't you understand that?"

The pain in his chest is burning so much at this point that he doesn't even know how he is even breathing. Every word he keeps hearing is stabbing him deeper and he finally registers his short breathing almost as if he was suffocating. But enough is enough. He can't keep hearing any more words. "Eijun, raising a child is not a hobby. Just because you retired doesn't mean you try to find something to fill in that void."

He immediately wants to take back those words as he sees the hurt flash within moist brown golden eyes. He is such a fucking ass. He is the biggest jackass in the world. He wants to shout back that he doesn't mean that. That he didn't mean a single word that he just said. He just wants this surreal conversation to be over. He wants to punch himself so hard and knows that Kuramochi would knock him out in an instinct if he heard of what he uttered to the wounded man in front of him.

But the damage has been done as Eijun lets out disbelieving hushed mumbles. "Whaa? No, I mean that is not the reason why. I mean it's not because of that, you know that right, that's not the reason behind this".

As Kazuya hears the sobs escape from Eijun's throat followed by an unbroken stream flowing down the tanned male cheeks he starts reaching out to the man he loves, to the man he just hurt, but sees Eijun try to wipe away his tears. "I mean I just thought that I want to start a family with you, don't you want to start a family with me, Kazuya?"

Kazuya embraces the man he loves so fast and tight that it startles the man a few centimeters shorter than him but soon he feels Eijun weight sag into the embrace as Eijun's lean arms wrap around his torso as he feels the muffled sobs resonating above his chest.

He can't believe he just hurt Eijun. He promised him to love and protect him. He promised to always take care of him. He promised that even if the whole world is against them as long as they have each other then they could overcome anything.

A few minutes pass by as Eijun finally lifts his head from his chest and starts wiping his face with his shirt as he whispers, "But Kazuya, haven't you ever thought of raising a family with me at all?"

Idiots will be idiots, Kazuya realizes, but this time he won't hurt Eijun. He won't ever intentionally cause him any more pain. So he grabs the side of Ei's face and gently slides his thumbs over the peak of his lover's cheekbones, as he comes closer to him, big golden brown eyes versus his own darker brown eyes that are hiding behind his dark glasses.

"I am your family" he is surprised by his own raspy cracked voice as he inches closer to the other male's face, their nose almost touching as he doesn't break eye contact, "isn't that enough?" "Aren't I enough?"

He sees golden brown eyes widen in surprise as an outstretched silence consumes their whole world only to be interrupted by Ei's quiet chuckles as he finally wipes away his tears from his face and takes a few steps away from Kazuya.

His voice still sounds hoarse and raspy as he smiles back at him, nose dripping and tears smeared across his face. Kazuya doesn't know why his heart hurts more than before. "You are right Kazuya, I'm sorry for asking something silly." He starts heading toward the entrance as he hurriedly starts putting on his shoes, "I'm sorry I just need to get a couple of minutes of fresh air, I'm sorry for disrupting your reading, I don't know what came over me."

Kazuya is staring at Eijun's back as he opens the door and mumbles that he will be back in a few minutes and the door closes shut leaving Kazuya rigid in place.

For the next few minutes, the thumping of his heart is the only thing he can hear. His body feels numb except for the painful weight on his chest and the lump stuck in his throat. He comes back to reality when he feels water sliding down onto his lip. He licks over his lip and touches his face and feels the tears that are flooding down out of his eyes under his glasses. He lets out a laugh but all he hears is his suppressed sobs finally breaking free from his soggy lips.

He should be happy. Eijun finally realized how crazy the idea of having a child is.

He starts coughing out the now muffled sobs, as he doesn't understand why he feels like his heart is breaking into pieces.

"I am your family… isn't that enough?"

He pushes the words he whispered out loud to the back of his mind and heads to the kitchen to prepare dinner because he knows that if he dwells on the fact that Eijun never responded to his own question, he might really break down.

He tells himself that the ache in his chest is no longer there and finishes preparing dinner and sets the table for two when the sun has completely gone down. He eats his dinner by himself trying to ignore the plate in front of him, cold and taunting back at him.

Sawamura doesn't come home that night and the next morning Kazuya finds the plate tormenting him with the untouched food, as the weight on his chest only gets heavier.