It's Only Washington
The first time he kissed her she knew he had been crying. She'd gone up to his office to ask him about the debrief and he'd not answered her, telling her instead to shut the door and step closer to him. She did as asked, unafraid. She knew he was angry; the mission had been a difficult one, and he'd lost a lot of good men. He wanted someone to talk to, or just sit with until his anger subsided into a more manageable kind of pain, a pain he'd carried around for so long now he seemed lost without it. His voice had been gruff, his hands insistent, his touch yielding, burning her skin, hurting her. She didn't pull away. His lips desperately sought hers, and she didn't deny him what he wanted. His tears soaked her cheeks and she tangled her hands in his short hair, pulling him ever closer.
He got to his feet and pulled her towards the couch, his touch becoming gentler as he pushed her down onto the soft material before covering her body with his own. She knew nothing was going to happen, but that didn't stop her from needing him, yearning for him. A moan escaped her lips before she could suppress it, and his kisses became bruising in response, the tears pouring faster down his face. She wrapped her legs around him, felt him hard against her. Somehow she managed to roll over, until she was over him, pinning him down. He held her close, whimpering as her lips fluttered softly across his eyelids, down his nose and across his jawline. She pressed her small thumbs to his cheeks and wiped away the salty tracks, feeling his breathing return to normal, his heart rate slow down. He closed his eyes against her touch and she snuggled into him, resting her head on his chest.
She awoke the next morning in a strange bed, but was immediately calmed as she saw his sleeping form beside her. She took a moment to study his face, feeling tears sting her eyes as she took in how vulnerable, how peaceful he looked. Without thinking, she edged closer and pressed a kiss to his cheek. His eyes snapped open. "Morning," he whispered, his gaze drifting across her face, settling on her lips. She murmured a response, knowing that nothing untoward had happened between them the previous night. He'd needed comfort. They both had.
She kept trying to tell herself that when he asked her to move in with him. It repeated over and over in her head as they shifted boxes from the back of his car, up the stairs and into his apartment; it echoed off the walls as they lay in bed that first night, neither daring to believe that the other was really there.
During the day she would try and work from his office if she could, or he would meet her in the tech room and help her on whatever she was working on. Sometimes they would kiss, other times they would just work, safe in the knowledge that they were together. At night, nothing ever happened between them. He'd never forced himself on her, and she wasn't going to push him. It wasn't what he wanted.
She wanted him, needed him so badly that just to lie beside him at night became too much. One night he awoke to find her side of the bed empty. Panicked, he tore through the apartment until he found her, curled up on the couch. He scooped her into his arms and carried her back to bed, smoothing the sheets over her pyjama clad body. She blinked sleepily up at him, willing him to understand, hating herself for being weak.
…
The day Bill called him into his office he knew he had lost her. The sour faced figure of the former Secretary of Defence loomed down on him as he took his seat across from the Director. "I don't need to tell you why I'm here," Heller began, his eyes flitting between the two agents.
"I'm afraid that's where you're wrong," Bill cut in before Jack had a chance to respond.
Heller had refused the seat offered to him; he glared down at Jack with more than a hint of distaste. "You might not, Mr Buchanan, but Jack here does."
Jack got abruptly to his feet. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I thought you and I had said everything we needed to say to each other." He moved past the older men and towards the door. Bill stepped towards him and placed a restraining hand on his arm, which he shrugged off. "I don't have time for this, for you."
"Believe me, I wish I didn't have to be here."
"Mr Secretary, why don't you just say what you came here to say?" Bill's voice was level, but held an edge to it, daring Heller to challenge him. At the door, Jack paused. The warning had been meant for him, too.
Heller sighed. "It didn't need to come to this, but it has, so I will get to the point." Ignoring the pointed looks thrown his way, he continued, "You don't have time for me, I know. But spare a thought for my daughter, and for your unborn child."
Bill watched as the colour drained from Jack's face. "My what?"
"You heard me."
He released the door handle slowly. "How is Audrey?"
"Please don't pretend that you actually care about her, Jack. You made that pretty clear after you ended things-"
"We decided it was for the best," Jack hissed.
"Best for who?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you, you son-"
"I think perhaps you do."
Jack took a menacing step towards Heller, for a moment forgetting that Bill remained in the room with them. "If you weren't her father I would-"
"But I am." Heller looked towards the Director, who tried once more to calm the younger man down. This time Jack did not struggle against the grip on his arm. "We tried, after I came back from China," he muttered, "but it didn't work. You know that."
"Yes, I do know that." He lowered his voice. "I'm asking you to think about this. I don't want you in my daughter's life, but you're the father of her baby and she needs you. She still cares about you Jack, even if the love between you has gone."
"Did Audrey send you?" Buchanan demanded.
"She has no idea that I'm here," Heller replied honestly. "I've told her I'm in Los Angeles on business. But she's not a stupid woman. She would have approached you herself if I hadn't put my foot down."
"So, what are you saying here?"
"I think Jack knows what I'm saying," Heller replied quietly. "I won't insult your intelligence by spelling it out to you. Now, if you'll excuse me." He stepped past Bill, retrieving his briefcase from the desk. "I have a plane to catch."
The silence hung heavily over the small, glass walled room following Heller's departure. Bill hovered awkwardly behind his desk; Jack slumped once more into the chair in front of him. "I don't know what to do," he murmured. "I don't know."
Bill put a hand to his temple. "I think you need to talk to Chloe," he suggested softly.
Jack's eyes shot up but he didn't question the advice. Wordlessly, he stood and left the room.
…
The front door creaked slowly open, causing Chloe to jump. His footsteps faltered just outside the kitchen, but she knew he was there, watching her. She spun round. "I made dinner," she began, but one look at his face and the words died on her lips. Panic began to knot in her stomach. She didn't ask him what was wrong; he would come to that in his own time. Turning back to the food, she heard him step further into the room, until he was behind her. She could feel his breath tickling her ear as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder. She hadn't been in work that day as she had grudgingly swapped her shift with someone else. She wondered what the hell had happened that had upset Jack so much.
But when she turned in his arms she saw that he wasn't crying. His eyes were bright, but not with unshed tears. Chloe couldn't remember his eyes ever having been so bright. Or maybe they had, she had just chosen not to look for it.
"Whatever it is, Jack, if you need to go then I understand," she told him, suddenly feeling nervous around him for the first time.
He shook his head, and she saw the first glimmer of sadness. Swallowing her own fear, she nodded towards the lounge. "Let's sit down." She pushed away from him but he held on fast. "Not the lounge," he whispered. She frowned. "Down the hall," he added, and she heard his voice break. Biting her lip, Chloe led the way, the half prepared food lying forgotten on the kitchen worktop.
The bed was unmade but they didn't care. She waited while he kicked off his shoes and then they lay back against the soft pillows. His eyes wouldn't leave hers, and she willed him to speak, to share with her whatever was bothering him.
"Heller came to CTU today," he said finally.
"What did he want?" Chloe muttered, then, remembering, added, "Nothing has happened to Audrey, has it?"
"Yes."
She'd known for some time that she was living in the shadow of the woman he loved, that she was merely a stand in until the two of them could come to some sort of reconciliation. She tried to sit up but he held her down, moving so that he was on top of her. He attempted a smile but it was only a ghost of the usual lopsided grin that she'd once known. A shaking hand reached out and smoothed her hair out of her eyes. "Don't think that, Chloe."
"Think what?" she demanded, scowling.
"That you don't mean anything to me."
She sighed. "Jack, you love Audrey. I was just... well, I don't know, but I wasn't much. I was here for you, and now you're healed, so I need to leave-"
"Damnit, Chloe," he choked, leaning in and robbing the breath from her throat with a searing kiss. "Audrey is pregnant," he murmured, his voice wobbling. "And I don't know what to do, I'm so scared."
"Oh, Jack." As she spoke the words, she felt her heart plummet, a part of her dying inside. Clumsily, she stroked his back. "Don't be scared. We'll figure it out."
"We can't." The words, so simple, were spoken with such conviction that she felt her breath hitch in her throat. "Is she not keeping it?" she asked softly.
"She is."
That's when she understood. "You're going to be a father again," she said.
"Yeah."
"Go to her."
"What?" He kissed her roughly. "Do you think it's that easy?"
"It should be," she replied. "She's having your baby, Jack."
He rolled off of her but quickly gathered her back into his arms, his hand trailing down to her stomach. "I wanted us to have a baby," he said, so quietly that Chloe almost missed it. She stared at him. "I wanted us to be together, properly together, not just like this." The tears began to fall from his eyes but she made no move to dry them. "I wanted to leave CTU so I could take care of you. I was waiting for the right time to tell you that I love you, and I guess I just ran out of time."
"You need to be with her," Chloe insisted, swallowing hard against the lump in her throat. "She needs you. Please Jack, stop staring at me like that.." She trailed off as one by one the tears started to fall.
"I need you," he argued.
"This isn't about me." She fought to free herself from his embrace but gave in. He brushed his fingers across her cheeks, as though committing every line, every contour of her face to memory. "I love you," he murmured, dipping his head and capturing her lips with his own. "I can't leave you. I won't leave you."
She took a deep breath. "I won't let you stay. I know what this means to you." She smiled. "You mean so much to me, Jack. I know you. I know you want this. This baby is more important than me."
"No!"
"Yes."
He released her, sitting up slowly. "You realise I'll have to leave Los Angeles?" His mind was made; he was just awaiting her approval.
"Yes."
"And... that's okay with you?"
"This isn't about me-"
"Is it okay with you?" he asked imploringly, taking her hand in his. "I need to know, Chloe. I need to know you'll be okay."
She managed a hollow laugh. "I've gotten used to it," she shrugged.
"That isn't an answer," he muttered, entwining her fingers with his own. Minutes passed but he didn't press her. Eventually he lay back down. They faced each other, her with her legs tucked up beneath her, him with a hand placed lightly on her cheek, caressing her skin. "I love you," he told her, repeating the words over and over. "You need to know that."
"I do, Jack."
The last time she kissed him she feared her heart would break. He was only taking a few things with him; the rest was being shipped over. Chloe had agreed to stay and make sure everything was packed up okay, but after that she wanted him to know that she was moving back into her own apartment, a place she hadn't seen for the better part of three months. She wasn't going to do the packing herself; Bill had volunteered his services, and for that she was grateful. He had discreetly kept his distance, telling her to call as soon as she needed him.
"Does Audrey know you're coming?" She was hovering in the doorway to their bedroom, watching as he threw on some clothes. It was the only thing she could think of to fill the charged silence that had fallen between them. He looked up from tying his shoes. "Yes, she does. I called her a couple days ago." He sighed. "I didn't lie to her about her father visiting, but... she said she was okay with that. She probably thinks I'm crawling back to her or something..."
"Jack, you did nothing wrong, nothing! Do you hear me?" Chloe's voice was shrill from holding back her emotions. "If anything, I think she'd admire you for sticking by her."
He smiled sadly. "You and I both know that if there was no baby, then this wouldn't be happening." She opened her mouth to protest but he held up a hand. "I do still care for her, I won't lie to you. I've never lied to you."
"It will be okay, Jack," she offered, not meeting his gaze. "It's only Washington."
"Who are you trying to convince, sweetheart?"
She shrugged, at a loss for words. "I guess I'll let you finish getting ready in peace."
"I told her about us."
Chloe froze, halfway back into the hall. "There wasn't anything to tell, Jack." She felt herself blush. In spite of herself, she needed to know. "What did she say?"
"She told me not to hurt you."
"You haven't hurt me." She smiled. "You made me happy. It's true," she insisted, seeing the grief settling over his face. "You made me so happy, Jack, even if it wasn't for very long." Chloe took a deep breath, forced herself to continue. "You made me feel loved, and I hate that you're being taken away from me but if it's what has to happen, then fine. You and me, Jack... you and me, we're just not right... we're not meant to be together."
"Please don't say that," he whispered. "Please. I need to be able to hold onto something."
She cursed her choice of words, but she didn't know how to be anything less than blunt. "I'm sorry..."
The look on his face tore her heart. She was sobbing as she launched herself into his arms, effectively knocking him to the floor. He rained kisses across her face. "We can't," she breathed as he tugged at her clothes, desperate for contact. "You'll be late." Reluctantly, she removed his hands from her body and held them tight. He stared down at her, love clear in his eyes. "Promise me something, Jack."
"Anything."
"Promise me you'll be happy."
"I promise I'll try," he said finally, "if you will too."
"I will." She frowned. "I think I've sort of already started."
He smiled then, and it was the smile she remembered, the smile she'd fallen in love with. Closing her eyes, she gently pressed her lips against his, letting his tongue tangle with hers for one final time. Their kiss was sweet, unhurried, but full of meaning. Both knew this would be the last time.
As he stood at the door an hour later, suitcase in hand, a cab waiting to drive him away, he held her tight. She was shaking, but remained strong, scowling at the cab driver as he beeped at them. Finally, Jack pulled away. "I should go," he said, lifting the case from the floor. "Remember our promise, sweetheart."
"I love you, Jack. I love you so much." She scowled. "There, I said it. Not that it makes much difference."
"It makes a difference."
"Hey, are we moving here or not?"
"I guess you'd better go."
"I guess." He moved away, but stopped suddenly. "I know I've asked a lot of you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't have more time, I'm sorry for how I've treated you, and I wish I could spend the rest of my life making it up to you but you have some crazy sort of logic and I'm going to stick with that, because you make sense to me."
She managed a short laugh. "Don't go getting all soppy on me, Bauer."
"Be happy, O'Brian."
"It's only Washington," they murmured in unison.
But it wasn't, and as the cab moved steadily away, Chloe turned, already preparing herself for the rest of her life without him.