Steam of ConScienceness II
Almost All
I suppose none of them get it.
I mean, I don't either.
But it's what I want.
Why?
Who knows?
Maybe I just crave it.
Truthfully, part of me really does.
Crave it, I mean.
Crave the stability.
The consistency.
All I didn't have growing up.
I had it once--- But I ruined it.
I always do. . .
I mean, who did I think I was fooling?
Why should I have it all?
Why should I have my dream?
I never did--- at least not while I was growing up.
I did have it for a little while though.
But I ruined it.
I should be happy with what I have.
I know that.
Happy that we're making a family.
That we're living together again. . .
But. . .
It hurts.
It huts because it's like he doesn't trust me not to screw up again.
Hurts me because it's like he already has one foot out the door.
Hurts because it's like we're back to a place that I thought we got past a long time ago.
Guess I was wrong, huh?
Or maybe I wasn't.
Maybe it's just because I ruined it.
G-d, I wish I knew why I do these things!
Wish I knew how to fix it.
But I can't.
I just seem to make things worse.
Why can't I just accept it like it is now?
Because I want more for my kids.
I want them to have what I never had.
A stable home.
Maybe this is as stable as it gets.
I don't know.
I just don't want to ruin it.
Not again.
So I guess this is all there is.
All there ever will be.
A house with an almost family.
An almost 'Happily Ever After.'
An almost dream come true, for me,
Blake---used to be/almost--- Marler.