A/N This is a little one-shot, based on the Snow Patrol song, of the same title. It's pretty... sad, but I hope you like it. It's Ray's feelings on Neela leaving. Hey I'm a Reela person, what else was it going to be? Although, it did start with the idea it could be a Luby or a Reela, but I just don't know enough about Luka and Abby to make it convincing. Sorry to any Lubies out there!
You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched go
I see her laughing sometimes. And all I can think is that I wish it were me making her laugh. I know I should be glad she's happy, if I love her, that's what I should want. But truthfully, I want her to be happy with me. That's all I really want. I don't laugh any more. I try, I've tried to move on, but without her I'm nothing.
Nothing.
I don't want to be anything without her.
I can still remember her leaving, like it was just yesterday. Months have passed and still the tears sting my eyes when I think of that day. I made such a mistake, I never should have let her walk away from me.
And all the things I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
Am I crazy? Sometimes I think I am. I constantly think of her. It makes it worse knowing she's still around, knowing she's still there, just out of my reach. Knowing that she's there, but will never be mine. I can't help thinking about her. The only thing that seems to distract me is work, but of course that's where I see her. I've thrown myself into being a good doctor. If I can't help myself, I can at least help other people.
I know I shouldn't have told her how I felt, then she never would have left. And the funny thing? I never even told her everything I felt. I told her she was the best friend I've ever had. She was so much more.
Is it too late to remind you of how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Roomies.
We used to be room-mates. We used to be friends. Now, we're nothing more than colleagues who pass in the corridor. I tried to phone her, I tried to get her back, but I was too late, it was all too late. I should have told her earlier, I should have told her before she got married. Then... maybe. Maybe not.
I'll never know now, will I?
I didn't know I loved her then, but now I realise I must have. Then, I didn't know what love felt like. But now I know it's thinking of someone constantly, only wanting to be with them, feeling safe with them and yet feeling completely out of your depth. Confusion and opposites, that's what love is.
That's what Neela and I were anyway.
One minute she hated me, then she didn't. One minute we were fighting, then we weren't. One minute we were room-mates, then we weren't.
Most of what I remember makes me sure,
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
My best friend and I let her leave, I didn't put up a fight. I didn't want to let her go, but I knew why she was going. It was the right thing to do. And now everything feels wrong. I never thought that doing the right thing could feel so wrong.
All I wanted was for her to say something, anything. Some acknowledgement that I wasn't alone in my feelings, then I could have persisted. But what's the point in persisting when you know you're alone in what you feel?
I wanted to help her, but she pushed me away.
She would never let me help her. Never wanted me to see her vulnerable side. But when I did, it just made me love her more. That day on the roof, I fell even further. She told me to stay away from her, and I just loved her even more.
If I had stopped her before she left, said something different, done something differently, perhaps she would still be living here, with me. Perhaps then, I would want to go home.
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
My apartment feels so empty now. It used to buzz, it used to be home. Now it's just an apartment, a place I sleep. I don't even eat there any more, I don't bother stocking the refrigerator any more. There doesn't seem much point. It just means sitting alone, in front of the t.v. At least when I'm in a restaurant, I can pretend I know the people around me.
I feel so... hollow.
The memories sting the worse, I think, more than seeing her now. I hardly ever see her, hardly ever hear her speak. Only brief encounters over a patient. The memories though, they're so good. So bitter-sweet. I want to remember the good times, I want to remember that person I became when I knew her. But it hurts. It hurts just to remember.
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
I've been left behind. Left with my memories. Left with the past. She's living now, living in the present. When we first met I was the one who was living, now it's her. Like I said, we're opposites.
I can't forget about her here, there's too many memories. That's why I stay, so I can always remember. It's a blessing and a curse. She was a blessing and a curse to me. She made me change, just by being there, and now I can never go back. It would be funny if it wasn't so... unamusing.
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
She's a surgeon now. Moved on, moved up. She's doing everything she ever wanted. I know she must be happy.
At least one of us living.
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
At least one of us is happy.