He would see her at charity events, and they usually had a nice chat. He would see her at some of the restaurants they both loved, and they would easily say hello and talk about unimportant things for brief moments. He would see her, when they both happened to be at the same events or activities they both loved - and used to do together. And, more often than not these days, it was she who was in the news, and he could never keep himself from watching or reading - just to keep himself in the loop of her life, even if it was in such a removed way. Because that's where they had ended up...removed from one another.
Ass that he was, he never expected to miss her as much as he had...and still did. He had never expected the sheer void he would have to fill with so many other things, when she left for good. And, while it wasn't entirely his fault, the majority of the blame lay with him.
After Elizabeth's departure and several more months down the road, he and CJ had begun their own relationship. One he never should have entered into because he wasn't the man she wanted or needed him to be, and he knew it. He didn't love her the way she loved him. She needed more than he could give, and he hurt her from lack of trying. Though he hadn't cheated on her physically, he was never really with her emotionally. So, it came as no surprise when she ended things with him not a full year later. But, what truly stung was the severing ties with him as completely as she could.
She wanted out, and he let her go. Just like that. And, it wasn't until a few months later, when he began to realize the kind of person he had become that he felt real regret. It wasn't until then that he started to recognize the enormity of what he had given up without a fight. Sure, he'd said the right words at the time, expressed his sorrow and even felt some, but she had seen through all of it. He remembered the emotional wounds he had glimpsed in her eyes, ones that she tried to hide from him, but he didn't feel it until his epiphany - which had come too late. He never acknowledge the pain, until she had already been gone and was taking so well to her new life.
What he wouldn't give, now, to turn back the clock and make it all right.
Impossible dream, and he figured it was his just dessert. His turn to hurt as much as she had for all the reasons he'd ever given her. He never should have engaged in their relationship because he wasn't ready for a love like hers. A heart like hers, given to him on a silver platter. So hopeful, even knowing he wasn't fully vested, but patiently waiting for him to show up.
It shamed him to admit that he'd continued to treat her as the friend she'd always been, with the added benefit of having nights together, as well. Rarely, were there declarations of love. He knew, then, that something was wrong with him, but he didn't try very hard to be better for them - for her, for himself.
Matt watched tonight's newscast as he sat nursing a beer. Face unreadable, save for the occasional tick in his jaw, he lost himself in watching her walk up the steps of the LA County Courthouse, as provided by this evening's broadcast. After leaving Houston, Inc., upon leaping at the chance to work with an old friend in his firm, she now represented mostly entertainers and those with societal and financial clout. He admitted to being surprised by her choice, as it seemed less meaningful than what they did at Houston Investigations, but she countered that everyone had problems; just because they were rich and/or famous didn't mean their lives came without their issues. She'd looked him directly in the eye, then, and he had almost replied, "Point taken."
"Besides," she'd added, "it'll be lighter and easier than what we've done here. I could use the break from the crazy ups-and-downs." With that, she'd thrown a pen he'd given her as a gift years before into her briefcase and latched it. Then, she threw her purse over her shoulder, looked at him, and said, "That's it. I'm out of here. Good luck to you, Mattlock."
Something finally began to churn inside of him. The dawning realization that she was walking away for good. When she went to pass him on her way out her old office, he lightly grabbed her elbow. She stopped and looked at him, but her face was unreadable. So unlike the old CJ, who wore her heart on her sleeve, especially where he was concerned. He felt a quick stab in the general area of his heart.
At a sudden loss for words, he'd asked something inane about the rest of her things in the office.
"They're not mine. Houston, Inc. bought them, and the next person who occupies this office is welcome to them if they so choose." Then, she looked down at where he was still holding onto her. He took the hint and let go, and without another word, she walked out the door, through the office, and stepped onto the elevator that led her down to her new life apart from him.
What a cold day it was, despite the sun shining and the 90-degree temperature.
He hadn't been able to do much right for days, thereafter, but he would never blame it on the absence of her. In fact, he rallied the following week and went on for months with a smile on his face and a spring in his step that he didn't really feel. But, he never admitted it to himself or to anyone; he was fine, as far as he was concerned. So, he dated, and he made sure he was photographed with as many beautiful women as possible. Not once recognizing consciously his desire to strike at her for leaving him. Somewhere deep down, he had known it would hurt her, and he ignored it just like everything else.
Just then, the TV flashed to a shot of CJ and her client - a well-known businessman - leaving the courthouse, after finalizing a divorce settlement that seemed to be very pleasing to the businessman in question. While the man was being interviewed, CJ easily stepped out of the frame and no doubt took her leave. Despite her increased comfort levels at being in the public eye, evidently, some things hadn't changed. Rarely, was there an in-depth interview with her; her comments were mostly brief and succinct. The videos and photographs were something she didn't have much control over, however. Ever-present, thanks to the people she now represented, were the cameras. No doubt to her chagrin, she was also intriguing to the paparazzi. She had been in the public eye with himself often enough to be considered a celebrity in her own right. Coupled with her physical beauty and own newsworthy history (i.e., Robert Tyler and Costanos, to name but a few), her comings and goings were followed, as well.
Then, there was the company she had begun keeping lately. In all of its documented glory.
Matt's jaw did clench, then. He couldn't help it. You didn't realize how much you truly loved someone, after knowing you'd literally thrown her away, and feel good about seeing her with another man. Right or wrong, it just didn't happen.
She was dating an executive producer who had made a name for himself a few years ago as an up-and-comer to watch. Quickly, he became an icon in the television industry. There was now talk of him transitioning to movies, and that if anyone could make the transition successfully, he was said to be the guy. Personally, Matt wished CJ only happiness, especially after what he'd put her through, but he couldn't help but be irked that she'd chosen someone who seemed to be so far removed from himself as a person.
Her beau was New York City born and bred. He'd most likely never touched a horse, let alone owned one. He was Mr. Entertainment and gave people diversions from their lives, not one who got into the nitty-gritty of them and solved problems on their behalves. Granted, he was tall, rugged-looking, and handsome...Matt's jaw clenched, again...but those were carefully crafted looks that would change with public opinion. Feeling increasingly aggravated, Matt turned off the television and hoisted himself off the couch.
Walking out to his back deck, he looked up at the stars and reflected. If he had been different, he wouldn't be standing here now lamenting the fact that she was with another man, and he no longer had any part in her life. He wouldn't be feeling so God-awful. They could still be together, and he could be standing here, right now, with his arm wrapped around her shoulders; the two of them staring up at the night sky together. Hell, they could even be planning to start their family together. If only...
He threw his beer bottle, then. It soared, cloaked in darkness. Hearing it crash beyond the bounds of sight, he turned and went inside. He'd more than blown it, big-time. There was no denying it.