Mmmm...kay, yeah. It's been a long time. I got Facebook. Finally. So, here's ANYA, belonging to (the genius) Joss Whedon.
Bunnies, bunnies,
it must be bunnies.
Anya Jenkins: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully automated ANYA unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your ex vengeance demon, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Basic Information:
Name: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins
Place Of Manufacture: Hellmouth Creations, Sunnydale Division
Height: 5'5"
Weight: Unknown
Your Anya unit will come with the following accessories:
Four pairs of pants
One sweater
Two skirts
Three blouses
A seductive outfit (optional with purchase of a XANDER unit)
When you first open your ANYA unit, she may speak with a strange evenness, and select her words a tad too precisely. She's not a robot…kinda. And, yeah, she talks like that all the time.
Programming:
Your ANYA unit likes to bowl, is good with math, and can carry out the following functions:
Tutor: Mostly in the math area, but history is a strong suit, as well…considering she was there.
Vengeance-maker: It really only works if you're a girl. And the function is only available when you submit yourself for a criminal record check that you forward to HellmouthCreations with a $50.00 deposit. We can't have EVERY female criminal wishing vengeance on their drug dealer ex.
Employee: She won't work for minimum wage, and she'll probably never let you near the cash register again, but if you're in need of help at your small business, you can always rely on ANYA.
Wife: Yes, boys, it could happen (but we doubt it, don't get your hopes up, we're not %^*^{ Warren). And if you're lucky she won't write her own vows. Or, she will, if you're like that.
Your ANYA unit comes with six different modes:
Happy
Angry at men
Greedy
Money hungry
Sex
Greedy mode and Money hungry mode are different. In greedy mode, she will hike prices by ten per cent, and won't let you near the money, but in Money hungry mode, she will only hike seven per cent, and will give you a twenty five per cent cut. Thirty if she likes you.
Angry at men mode is activated very easily at first, and becomes less prominent as your unit warms up to you, your brothers, and your father. We generally warn you not to let ANYA to her ways alone while this mode is on, as it can lead to hurt feelings, and metaphorical (or real) intestines popping.
Happy mode is fairly default, and as long as you keep her in this mode, there won't be problems. We suggest these tips for keeping ANYA happy:
-Don't leave her with a WILLOW unit.
-Don't deny her an allowance
-Don't let XANDER break her heart. (Because here at HC, we like to BREAK canon).
-Don't have a pet bunny.
Sex mode is activated around a XANDER unit, no matter what stage they are in the relationship. We aren't saying they're gonna do it every time they see each other, but we recommend you don't leave them alone too long if you're talking, or have guests, or parents with you.
Relations with other units:
BUFFY SUMMERS: Despite the conduit between the two (meaning Xander), they don't really have any bonding or "together" time. We don't foresee (m)any problems between them, but we can't be held accountable if there are.
WILLOW ROSENBERG: There is a little more tension between Anya and Willow, because of the latter's long standing relationship with Xander. Don't worry though, it'll be cleared up…mostly…y'know, right after they get attacked by a giant troll ex boyfriend of Anya's.
RUPERT GILES: Anya, being co owner of the Magic Box with Giles, has nothing against the man. Except when she wants him to go away, so she can take full responsibility for the store…and its money.
SPIKE: Soullessly speaking, SPIKE will have your unit upside down and halfway to happy town before you can say, "get the $^* away from her, she's XANDER'S!" With the SPIKE+soul add on, you don't have much to worry about.
XANDER HARRIS: *gives reader a serious look* They hate each other. *cracks up*. Do we really have to explain this one?
TARA MACLAY: We believe they get along. They did in testing. There should be nothing wrong with putting them together. Like, as roommates, not together-together.
ANDREW WELLS: She likes slapping him. He may or may not be a little afraid of her. But we all know she's a Xander/Anya shipper, and won't make her too angry about anything.
Cleaning: Do not attempt. Unless you are Xander. Which you most likely aren't.
Energy: She'll eat what you put in front of her. Just not too many carrots, she might think you're implying something.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My ANYA unit is hiding in the basement. She said something about floppy ears.
A: you have a bunny, don't you. Here's what you do: Get rid of the bunny, or get rid of Anya. One or the other, because therapy costs too much.
Q: The ANYA unit I have won't leave my mom's shoe store. She's been there since closing time, and she won't let me in.
A: Lay a twenty dollar bill in front of the door, and wait. She'll see it, and be out in a snap to get it. Or call the XANDER from down the street to tempt her out.
Q: ANYA claims she's married to GILES. That's not right.
A: Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa. Find WILLOW. Smash the crystal in her pocket. Then, make her feel extremely guilty about it.
Q: ANYA's crying. What's wrong?
A: Oh, Hell's Bells. We really don't know how to comfort her. Also, we suggest that, if you have it, take away her vengeance powers, by going to our website and reciting the spell located under "Failsafes" on the left hand side.
Q: There's a really heavy, ugly hammer in my living room. Get rid of it. I demand it.
A: Demand? *giggle-snort*. Cover it with a blanket or something, and put a plant on top of it, because it's not going anywhere anytime soon.
Warranty: With proper care, your ANYA unit should live until the end of her days, or until a random Turok Han slices her in half in a very un-heroic death that I didn't even register until Xander asked where she was. Then I cried. But if you get sick of her, send her back within sixty days for a full refund.