The Binary Effect
Sasuke has no other why. . . but he's been avoiding Kakashi like a plague lately, unable to meet his eye. pre-Shippuden, GEN.
A/N:
I'll proceed to ignore the rest of Shippuden arc down for now as I've always find it ruins my Kakasasu gen feels too much.
Enjoy nevertheless. I miss team seven. Strangely this fic is written in present tense.
Sasuke can barely muster the courage to meet Kakashi's eye lately.
Whether it is during one of those Team 7 trainings and Kakashi's berating the entire team for their mistakes, even specifically aiming that lecture for the young Uchiha heir, Sasuke can only find interest in his toes. Usually stoic, he finds himself squirming uncomfortably under his sensei's gaze, and prays Kakashi's dense enough not to notice this change in him lately.
It's not as if he can pinpoint why, or how.
But there is something about staring in that single eye of the Sharingan master that scares him. The sensation that tugs at Sasuke's heart when he gazes into it, and the blood that churns in his veins after – it's something that he does not want to experience again.
Sasuke notices it begins that day when all four of them in Team Seven are engrossed devouring their bowl of noodles in the ramen restaurant after a long day of training, and he has no idea how he's already finished two entire bowls of ramen, and is still feeling extremely hungry.
Unknowingly, he's been staring at Naruto's still-full bowl of springy, delicious ramen noodles for about a full fifteen minutes, un-suppressing that tiny sound of protest from his stomach wanting more.
That's when Kakashi pushes something before him.
Sasuke stares down. In sight, it is his sensei's share of ramen bowl. Still untouched, and filled to the brim with delicious eggs and fishcakes at the side making it look more appetizing than it can possibly be.
He already knows his sensei's intentions, but he forces a suspicious frown. "What's this, sensei?"
"You're hungry, aren't you?" Kakashi raises a lazy eye, and proceeds to indulge in his sake drink.
For the next twenty minutes, Sasuke spends them fully intent on glaring Kakashi down for taking pity on him, rejecting his ramen bowl to no avail because the Sharingan master simply chooses to ignore his own ramen noodles, finally using the last five minutes glaring full force down at his newly-received ramen bowl passed down before him, and then devouring everything in sight.
Inwardly, he is so hungry, and thankful for that third bowl of ramen that satiates his hunger. Outwardly, he throws daggers with his eyes at his sensei, for even daring to pity him.
That's when it hits him; he can no longer look Kakashi in the eye, without immediately wanting to stare elsewhere for distraction.
He does not understand why.
It happens again a second time, and afterwards - more times than he remembers.
…When he accidentally takes a trip during training, and pops his shoulder, he sees Kakashi next thing by his side, concern creased on the older boy's forehead, even though his eye shows no emotion whatsoever.
No "Are you alright, Sasuke?"
Just a simple, "We need to fix this." And Kakashi proceeds to pain the hell out of Sasuke by popping his shoulder back in no remorse thereafter, which follows shortly with Sasuke's pained yelp and suppressed urge to throttle his sensei for putting him through such miserably agony. But he's an Uchiha; and Uchihas do not cry or complain.
Even in that moment, he does not miss the frown on his sensei's lips, or that unmistakable edge of worry in that single eye.
"You'll get better, Sasuke." Is all he says. And Sasuke knows his sensei means it.
For some reason, he believes him.
The third time it happens late at night, almost in the early morning hours and he's still up awake, staring at the blank canopy of sky blue in its cobalt hue, admiring the blank piece of canvas above and brooding mostly about too many lost things in his life, and pining about one too many things as usual.
All he remembers is crouching over and sinking his head into his knees, and feeling his heart growing heavier and heavier as he thinks fondly back to the memory of his mother, and father, and him, sitting around the family table on the eve of New Year, eating heartily and quietly. And they had been so happy.
Uchihas do not cry.
He does not understand the shimmer at the corner of his eye, and proceeds to yawn it away on the pretext of exhaustion.
That's when he hears a shuffle of footsteps, and realizes his sensei is by his side in a second.
No "Are you alright?", no "what the hell are you doing up at this hour?"
Just silence, as Kakashi settles easily by his pupil's side, and joins his gaze into the sky above.
They share a comfortable silence for full long minutes, until Kakashi asks simply, "Memories?"
Sasuke nods, not uncomfortably.
"It happens." Kakashi answers, almost in a whisper. He looks down at his pupil. "Don't let it get to you."
"I won't." Sasuke lets out a snort, and then a glare, as if daring his sensei to look down on him with his past as a weakness. But in reality, he sees no despise in Kakashi's eye.
"They'll pass, eventually, just like everything else." Kakashi uncharacteristically continues his soft rant, looking past the sky into somewhere unknown beyond, as if he sees something that Sasuke can't.
Sasuke ponders on those words, but before he replies, he feels something at the back of his head; not harsh.
It's Kakashi's palm, and in those three seconds, Sasuke is silenced as Kakashi lightly ruffles his dark ebony hair in a rare gesture of affection.
Affection.
Sasuke wills his heart to stop turning over.
"Get to sleep early, eh?" It's all Kakashi says before he stands up and makes his exit.
Time freezes, and as Sasuke stares back to the disappearing silhouette of his sensei trailing into the shadows of the arising morning, he touches a finger to his head – where his sensei has left his hair rustled and unkempt.
He trails that finger around his head, to touch the middle of his forehead, in between his two eyes, above his nose.
In that exact spot where he used to do it so often.
That's when it hits him, full-on, in that moment, as the sun rises out from the horizon from afar and pushes itself onto the canvas of sky, coloring it a fusion of marigold and lilac, why Sasuke finds it so hard to look into his sensei's eye lately, and proceeds to ignore his sensei's presence every time.
Kakashi reminded him too much of him.
The concern, the worry, the affection…The overprotecting, the watching out for him unnecessarily in the most irrelevant of times, the company, the simple act of sharing a comfortable silence and reading his thoughts even without asking…
Sasuke snaps out of his thoughts, as something falls over his shoulders.
It's a blanket
"Wha-?" Sasuke turns around; Kakashi has returned, and he's making a face down at his pupil.
"Before you catch a cold. Now get to sleep once you're done brooding about your life." Kakashi chides.
Speechless, Sasuke looks down at his shoulders, and fingers the wool of the material, warmth on his shoulder.
He realizes then, it's not only his shoulders that feel the warmth. (His heart, too, cheesy as it sounds.)
Sasuke looks up, for the first time now, into Kakashi's lone eye.
It's hard, because he hasn't been able to do it without feeling a million emotions fleeting through his heart and threatening to tear it apart.
Now he understands why.
All the emotions he experiences as he looks into it, are the exact same, when he looks upon him.
Nii-san.
Admiration, respect, affection.
And Sasuke can't help but feel attached all the same, all over again.
This also means he has the chance to lose someone close to him, one more time.
In that moment, Sasuke looks back down at the blanket, avoiding Kakashi's gaze.
He manages a small, "Thank you," under his breath.
He's sure Kakashi hears it anyway, because the older boy plops back down by his side, and they spend the next two hours watching the sun go all the way up into the sky to form glorious patterns around them, not speaking a word.
Sasuke breathes, taking in the gorgeous beauty of the sunrise before him.
For now, he'll allow for this moment of his weakness as he wraps the blanket closer around his shoulders, and closes his eyes, taking in the warmth of his body… and heart. For now, he'll ignore all rationale screaming at his mind… that anything he gets attached to eventually will pain him when he loses it… (What if he loses Kakashi too, what if he loses Team 7, what if, what if, what if…)
For now, this is all that matters, as he looks sideways and finally dares to observe the older boy fully beside him.
Gray ash hair, Sharingan eye, aloof frown – very much the ex-ANBU soldier indeed.
He could almost pass for him, Sasuke swears.
He misses this feeling immediately, one more time, as Kakashi bends to drape the blanket carefully over Sasuke's shoulders before they fall off again.
Hell, the younger Uchiha hates to admit it. But he misses Itachi. He misses having an older brother, he misses being weak so someone else can do the looking out for him, watch out for him, protect him fiercely, and teach him things. Someone to guide him, lest he feels lost.
"You ready to go back in?" Kakashi breaks the silence.
"Aa." Sasuke stands up, and passes the blanket back to his sensei.
Their eyes meet. Sasuke knows in that moment that Kakashi knows, too.
He doesn't even have to say it.
You remind me so much of him.
…Nii-san.
FIN