Disclaimer- Kenshin doesn't belong to me. Yeah, I know, boring disclaimer.
Warnings- shounen ai, possible spoilers up to the end of the Kyoto arc. Possible OOC. Made up facts about Aoshi's past that might be wrong.
The Strongest of All
Because of what happened to me in my childhood, I vowed to be the strongest. For this goal, I created a barrier around myself, walls of ice that no one could breach. It was a simple concept that would feed itself, I thought. The stronger I was, I decided, the bigger those walls would grow, and the risk of getting hurt would become even smaller. It was a perfect plan. It even took care of the possibility of love.
I WAS fully aware of what human urges are, the attraction towards each other people feel- the urges and attraction that were developing in me. But girls didn't particularly interest me. Mostly, they were just shallow things, pretty and sheltered and inconsequential. Even if they did have some kind of warrior's spirit or skill which might have truly attracted me, in the end they were still just weak, needing protection and guidance, valuing happiness and acceptance over their own self-worth. I'd never wanted someone to protect, either, so I never really felt for any girl, and that served my purpose.
See, someone weak like that wouldn't be able to break through my seeming unfeelingness, anyway. Someone weak would never be able to defeat me, make me weak, weak enough to yearn for love. The only person I ever WOULD love, I realized, quiet and strong in my resolve, would be someone who defeat me. If I did find someone like that, and it was clear I COULDN'T beat them, I'd surrender finally, give up my strength, give up my self, because I COULDN'T be the strongest, and without that- well, I HAD no self to give up. And in that weakness, I'd give whatever was left that to that person, give them all I was, give them my love without a word. Then, and only then, I'd let the walls break down into nothing.
I grew careless when I was taken in by the Oniwabanshuu, though. I began to care for the past leader, a kind old man, and for my lieutenants, the men I recruited. I started not to love, but just to FEEL. The Oniwabanshuu began to be let in through my barriers, not with love but with friendship. Dedication, lofty ideals, comfort broke through into that barren wilderness. And with those ideals in my arsenal, I truly thought I WAS the strongest. I thought I could keep the walls open to some but not to others, that I could experience friendship. I didn't realize how made me so much less strong.
I realized, however, when I fought the infamous Hitokiri Battousai. Battousai, Himura Kenshin, is an unusual, enigmatic man, his long red hair spilling down his back, pretty eyes alternately flashing with kindness and ruthless fire. He is tiny, a small form draped in unremarkable clothes, but the fire burning within those limbs, that body is apparent, at least to one who truly looks for it. And even if you can't see his warrior's spirit shining through his violet eyes, through his graceful movements and combat-honed form, a hint of his true nature is given through his large, beautiful cross-shaped scar.
I've thought about him constantly ever since I met him, since he beat me in combat. Despite his silly reluctance to kill, despite his ties to his friends and that loathsome Kamiya girl, he is the "strongest," not me. The gods have been kind to him, gifted this strange, deceptive man-boy, given him a pass to get by human limitations, to be almost invincible in combat despite his own self-sabotage. He doesn't even seem to realize that this a gift, for he is wrought with trouble and conflict. And he may falter because of the weaknesses he places upon himself, may seem beaten, but does ultimately triumph.
But not all of us are as lucky as he is. Not all of us have that "get out of everything free" pass he seems to be blessed with. Caring had made ME weak- and that was what had made me unable to win against Battousai and remain the best. It was a paradox of that weakness, the grief I felt at my loss. If I had been strong, I would have been able to protect my fallen comrades, who I grieved for so, too. But to be that strong, I couldn't have cared about them, and then I wouldn't have been hurt by their deaths. See, nothing would have happened to me at all if I'd stayed in the cold.
Never again, was the vow I made. I WOULD become the strongest, stay dedicated to that goal. I'd place that title on the graves of those comrades, who I still reluctantly cared for. For my caring for them was only in the past, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was a moment in time, frozen, untouchable. But the ties I had with life, the caring I had now, I could throw those away. Nobleness, goodness, gentleness, a sword for right- those were all ideals which I could break easily enough. Human ties, human promises- Okina, Misao, the Oniwabanshuu- the more I forgot those, the more powerful I'd become. Even the will to live I could throw away.
Without those sources of warmth, I'd become colder and colder, a pillar of ice. All I cared about was that I would beat Battousai- be strongest, as I'd been before. It was my obsession, more than ever. Battousai's existence was my sole reason for carrying on. I became unrecognizable. For not all of us can stay human and still achieve our goals like you, Battousai. I couldn't. But I thought my humanity was sacrifice enough to beat you. It would make me able to defeat you, I was sure.
Yet your strength was even greater than I had imagined. You still beat me AFTER I'd thrown everything away. You, still caring for all people's lives, even mine- you defeated me again. Because there's no longer a Himura Kenshin or a Battousai- they've somehow become the same person. The gods didn't just give you a "get out free" pass, to not have your strength be destroyed by your humanity, they gave you the greatest gift of all. In the end, more than anything, your strength COMES from your humanity. Because of this, your life IS hard, you DO have more hardships than your share, but ultimately you do triumph. You're strongest, and for that, I don't really know how, I've darkly, silently, inexplicably fallen in love with you.
For that promise I made so long ago, that realization, that potential for love inside me, all was meant for you, Hitokiri Battousai- Himura Kenshin. I knew if I ever met someone stronger than me, I'd fall in love with them. And I did.
Or maybe it's just that if I can't be you, I've have you instead. It's all have left now.