Author's Note: This is my first ever fic so don't judge me if it isn't perfect. I'm still developing to story. Leave me a review, good or bad, because I believe there is always room for improvement.
Ever since Kendall was a child, he'd known. He'd known that there was something different about him but he didn't know what. He would try to like girls, but always found himself imagining holding hands with the boys in his class. Growing up he admitted it to no one, because who would understand? When he hit puberty he started getting turned on by guys. He started wondering about his sexual orientation. He told himself that it was normal. He told himself that it happens to everyone, because obviously every teenage guy and little boy questions their sexuality. Sometimes he'd find himself aroused by guys, but that didn't mean he was gay. That was normal, right?
No, Kendall could never admit to himself that he may be gay. Sometimes late at night he would wonder what it would be like to come out to his best friends, James, Carlos and Logan. They had talked about it before. Not sat down and had a conversation, but every now and then they would talk about how hate towards the gay community was outrageous. Carlos had even said once, "I don't care if a dude loves dudes. Why should it matter to me? If one of you guys came out it wouldn't affect me in the least." And everyone nodded in agreement, but no one elaborated on that statement. In Kendall's head he breathed a sigh of relief, before telling himself that he had nothing be relieved about because he was not gay.
It wasn't until they moved to the Palmwoods that Kendall started to think that maybe he was in denial. Maybe he really was gay. Society had told him that it was wrong though, wrong for a guy to want to marry a guy. Kendall couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with a man because everyone would judge him. Well not everyone. His best friends wouldn't, and his family wouldn't. But the rest of the world would. Especially when he was working to become famous, where his whole life would be in the spotlight and everything he did would be displayed to the world.
He knew his friends would stick by him no matter what but he knew that their outlook would change on him. Things that they did normally would start to seem gay to them. Things like how when they were all watching TV together late at night, Kendall's head would rest on Carlos' shoulder as he dozed off. Sometimes when they would all be together, if someone got scared, they would clutch onto Kendall's arm. Kendall likes to put his arms around the guys, now that too would be seen as gay. When all of these things were happening, people would be thinking about how Kendall was gay in the back of their heads.
That was what worried Kendall the most, that when these little encounters happened, no one would shrug it off as if it was normal. No one would think it was innocent. Everyone would think that he was just their best friend who had a big gay crush on them. Kendall over thought these thing. He was the leader of their group, the one that held them all together and kept them sane, but late at night his mind would wander. He would lose his sanity at night because all he could think about was losing his best friends because of this. No one was there to keep him together. Kendall would lay awake at night, worrying about what would happen if he came out, all the while still telling himself that he wasn't gay and that he would grow out of this and marry a girl, and they would be so in love just like you see on TV shows and in movies.
For a while Kendall convinced himself that he really was straight, he dated a girl. Jo was pretty, nice, perfect. The kind of girl every guy wants to date, but when he kissed her, he felt no spark, but he still told himself that he was in love with her when in reality he just loved her like a best friend. He didn't know how he could break up with her though, especially when they were dating for such a long time and things were going so well. Kendall couldn't bear to break her heart so he didn't. Only when she was called to New Zealand for a part did they break up. It was sad because he would miss Jo's friendship, but he couldn't help but feel a little happy that he didn't have to break up with her and give her an explanation for why he did.
Not until after that break up did he admit to himself that he was gay. He could date girls, but he would never have the type of connection that you are supposed to get when you are in love. Now he faced even more to worry over at night, when darkness settled in and left him weak and vulnerable. When darkness settled in, he wasn't a leader anymore; he was just a boy who was terrified of his future. He used to worry about what people would think about him if he were gay. Now that he admitted it to himself, he had to worry about how he was going to come out. If he even was planning on it.
Kendall didn't know how he could admit to anyone that he was gay, how would that even come up in conversation? Many times he would find himself alone in the kitchen with his mom and he would open his mouth, ready for the words "I think I'm gay, Mom." To tumble out of his mouth, but then a sick feeling would settle in his stomach and he would have to leave the apartment. He at least had decided that the first person he would come out to was his mom, because she deserves to know and he knew that she would be able to help him figure out how to tell the guys.
But day after day, he would chicken out. He would find himself alone with his mom, and the words would never form. They would get stuck in his mouth, a giant mess of words, that would fall back down his throat and settle like a rock at the bottom of his stomach. He needed someone to talk to; he couldn't just keep these things inside of him. He couldn't do it anymore. Soon he felt nothing but dread. His heart felt heavy all of the time. Every day he put on a smile, and played leader for the guys, them not knowing that the guy they depended on was falling apart.
Slowly, Kendall unraveled, his seams had split and all the emotions he'd been holding in his whole life were tumbling out. At first he told the guys that it was just because he missed Jo. They bought it, but when he still wasn't over it they got suspicious again. Carlos, the one who was always so carefree and childlike, was the one who really came to Kendall's rescue, he was there for Kendall like no one else was. He was the only one who could make Kendall smile, and actually mean it.
One afternoon when the band was free from recording, Kendall found himself in the Palmwoods Park, after another encounter with his mother where he had almost told her before chickening out. He was sitting by himself in a tree when Carlos spotted him. The moment Carlos turned to run over to Kendall, Kendall's stomach flipped. Carlos' smile was beautiful. It was that smile that was keeping Kendall sane.
Shit. Kendall thought. I can't be falling for Carlos. He's my straight best friend. His stomach was flipping even more now, and he was breaking out in a sweat. It suddenly felt hot and uncomfortable in the cool shade of the leaves. "Hey!" Carlos said, a wide smile stretched across his face, his chocolate brown eyes gleaming. Kendall made a sound in his throat to acknowledge Carlos' presence. He felt as though he couldn't breathe. He couldn't form words. Hopping down from the tree, he clutched a hand to his stomach, pretending as though he had stomach pains. "Don't feel well. Going to rest." Kendall said grimacing, before turning and running towards the building, leaving a confused Carlos looking after him.