Welcome fans, to the strangest Batman fanfic you will ever read. I am your host, Teenghost13, and I, along with Zippy 66, will be guiding you through this most unorthodox supervillain story.
Zippy's note: I'm so sorry. Except for the fact that I'm not. See you at the end!
Gotham city, home of Batman, one of the greatest heroes known to mankind. So great was his name that the very justice league accepted him with open arms, despite his lack of a superpower. No, Batman was truly in a league of his own. Many supervillains have tried to beat him, yet all end up in prison or the asylum.
However, this never seems to end the conflict, as if the very existence of a superhero will incite opposition. No city is exempt. No hero is without their villain, and no villain exists without a hero to foil their plot. No exceptions.
Almost no exceptions.
Alarms blared in the Gotham bank. Guards were tied up in a neat fashion, unconscious on the floor. The vault was torn open to reveal four masked individuals shoving money in a bag.
"Spades, how's the escape route?" one of them asked.
The unnaturally skinny one grunted. "It wasn't my turn this time, it was Clubs."
"Nope, it wasn't me," another one replied. Clubs was a thickly built man, exceptionally tall with a deep voice. "I thought it was Diamonds this time."
"No," the first one argued. "If it was me, it would've been here by now."
"Look," a feminine voice interrupted, "I was in charge this time."
"Well, how soon will it be here, Hearts?" Spades inquired urgently.
"Simple, it's not coming." she replied.
"What?!" the other three exclaimed.
"How are we supposed to get the money out without a getaway?"
Hearts smiled. "Well, if this was about money, then I would have Diamonds turn something into jewelry. However, tonight, we're after something bigger."
"What are you blabbering about?" Diamonds interjected.
"Tonight, we take on the Bat." she continued.
This left the other group in a stupor. Taking on Batman? That was risky at best, at worst, they could lose everything.
"Hearts, are you sure that's a good idea?" Clubs objected.
"It's a brilliant idea," Hearts explained. "Mostly because I came up with it."
"It might also have to do with the fact that you don't do any fighting," Diamonds murmured.
Hearts looked at her accomplice with an insulted face. "Why, that's just mean," she lied. "Now, we should get the police before he shows up. If they show up, then Spades will take care of it. Understood?"
"Yes ma'am." Spades confirmed, as he scurried out of the room.
"Excellent, now as for you, Diamonds, you are to make sure that Spades doesn't go too crazy. We don't want the Justice League after us quite yet, and if he brings on the apocalypse, then-"
"Way ahead of you," Diamonds interrupted, sighing.
"Very good, as for you Clubs, you'll carry the money and man the hostages."
"Understood, but what about you?"
Hearts smiled. "I'll get the Bat's attention."
Outside of the bank, the Police came to a halt, guns pointed at the scrawny figure in front of them. Spades counted the number of officers, a wide grin on his face, though no one could see it.
"Put your hands in the air where we can see 'em!" an officer ordered. Spades complied, putting his hands up, but he did something else. With his boots, he stomped the ground three times. Clump, Clump, Clump.
There was silence, and the officers immediately assumed that he was crazy and thought that he belonged in Arkham Asylum. They made their way towards him, until one of the officers yelped. He was stuck on something, something that made him panic immediately. A small, bony hand had emerged from below the road, restraining the officer's foot.
"I called in some friends, they love to play with others," Spades stated. All around him, skeletal minions appeared. The officers began to panic, and one by one, the skeletons began to restrain the officers.
"Oh no! It's the House of Cards!" an officer yelled. Another officer, one who was still behind a police car, immediately reached for his radio, shouting orders for backup. The radio fell to the ground when another skeletal minion grabbed the other officer as well.
"I love playing with you, this is so much fun!" Spades exclaimed.
"Spades, play nicely," Diamonds commented from behind.
Spades frowned in response. "Aww, party pooper."
"Have your friends take the nice officers inside. Did you let them call any backup?"
"I'm not certain, but I sure hope they did!" he replied cheerfully.
The skeletal minions began pushing the officers inside the building in a straight line. At the end of the line, a rookie police officer suddenly broke free. He broke out of the skeleton's grasp, and smacked it with his club. The skeleton crumpled to a pile of bones, and the officer charged at Spades. Spades wasn't prepared for this, and he tried to swerve out of the way, but the officer changed his direction, still charging. He raised his club high, preparing to strike.
Diamonds immediately intervened, lunging in the way of the officer. When the club fell, it simply shattered on impact. The officer clutched his hand, and Diamonds kicked him over, and the officer fell to the ground. He sighed, almost distraught.
"Pity, such bravery should have been met with high reward."
"Not if that reward was a broken skull," Spades interjected.
"Let's go, if they did call backup, they'll probably bring more officers."
"I can still take 'em," Spades argued. "That one was just a momentary lapse."
"Regardless, we can't risk losing any one of us cards. We all have to play together, that is how we rig the deck."
"Yeah, Hearts told me the memo a gazillion times."
"Because you have no idea how true it is," Diamonds countered. "Now let's go, we need our next assignment."
As the two walked back inside the bank, they could see how Clubs rearranged the place. The money was out of the vault, and in bags that could barely be seen over the counter. The desks had been rearranged in a barricade behind the bags, which confused the other party members.
"Clubs, the barricade goes in front of the money. You know, to block them from getting there."
Clubs stuck his head out from under the table. "No, the money is here to lead them into a false sense of security, then, I throw the desks at them."
Diamonds rolled his eyes. "That is really unorthodox."
"Your suit is unorthodox."
"IS IT NOW?! Your face is unorthodox, your mother is unorthodox, and so is your dad and your pet orthros!" Diamonds shouted back.
"Diamonds, we talked about the making up words," Clubs argued.
"That's it!" Diamonds shouted. He reached in his pocket, pulled out a small cracker, and crushed it. In his hand, the cracker crumbs turned into diamonds. He threw them at Clubs with incredible force.
"MY EYES!" yelled Clubs, his voice cracking. Diamonds collapsed to the floor, laughing hysterically. Hearts smirked, but her smile faded when she spotted a shadow out of the corner of her eye.
"Batman-" she muttered, but then felt the edge of a batarang knock her to the floor. She let out a soft moan.
"Hearts!" the others cried. A shadowy figure dropped from the ceiling, then rose dramatically. Diamonds shot to his feet suddenly looking slightly less confident.
"This card game is over," Batman said in a gravelly voice.
"Sounds like we need to call an exterminator, I smell a rodent," Diamonds retorted.
"Actually, bats aren't rodents, they're classified under the-"
Clubs was cut off when Batman lunged at him. He threw a punch, but Clubs hardly even flinched when his fist made impact. Clubs smirked as Batman jumped backwards.
"I love it when they try to hit me," he said, advancing towards the Caped Crusader, "They hurt themselves instead." Batman backed away and tried to figure out how to take Clubs down. Hearts regained her feet and looked at Batman. Once they made eye contact, she winked at him. He fell to the floor, unconscious.
"That was too easy, although I didn't appreciate the batarang to the head," said Hearts, massaging the spot where she was hit.
"I was a bit worried for a second there," said Diamonds.
"Let's go, before he wakes up. We've done what we planned to do," Hearts declared.
When Batman came to*, the House of Cards had left. He clambered to his feet, trying to recall what happened. The police had arrived, but the sirens sounded like nails on a chalkboard. He walked out of the bank, trying to hide the pain that afflicted him.
*come to= recover consciousness