Mutant Survivor

Disclaimer: You know the drill; I do not own the X-Men (though I wish I owned Pyro), or any other products, services, or persons mentioned hereafter that are globally, nationally, or even regionally known.

(A/N: FYI this is a parody. So in most cases, yes the X-Men, Acolytes, Brotherhood, etc. would be able to use their powers and win, but in this case, for the sake of the story they can't. Well, they can, just not as liberally as they would in any other case. Also, the flow is a little bit different, so please bear with me. Think of it ala A. A. Milne; characters interacting with the narrator and such. If you have any suggestions on how to improve the flow—without compromising the narrator—please let me know. So on with it!)

Chapter 1. The Cast

Welcome to the first, and only, season of Mutant Survivor! We have scoured the world for the best—and worst—mutants to strand on some godforsaken desert island, without food and water, for amusement purposes only.

Today we bring you our cast. And in accordance with the Mutant Rights Act, we are not at liberty to divulge the actual names of our mutant contestants.

First, all the way from Australia, we have Pyro. Pyro is a 19-year-old high school drop-out who—

" 'Ang on a sec, mate. Whaddya mean 'drop-out'? I've got me GED. Y'know workin' all 'at time fer Mags, it was kinda rough tryin' t'fit in chemistry, biology, 'n the lot."

Sorry… Pyro is a 19-year old high school graduate—

"On 'is way t'college."

Don't push it, Pyro. Ah-hem—who is fond of fire, writing gothic romance novels, and, well, more fire.

"Y'flatter me, mate."

Our next contestant is Apocalypse. Apocalypse is a very special contestant who traveled the space-time continuum all the way from ancient Egypt to be here today.

"And I really don't want to be here, I'll have you know. I have more power than you could ever imagine. Why, I could—"

All right, Apoc, we get it. Can I please continue now?

"If you insist… minion…"

Anyway, our third contestant is hairy, smelly, and not your average house cat: Sabertooth!

"Grrrr…"

Anything else you'd like to add?

"Grrrr… Wolverine…."

Thank you, Sabertooth. Fourth is everyone's favorite metamorph, Mystique.

"I'm only here because the network promised me I'd win…"

I have confidence in you… If no one else does, I do… (rolls eyes)

And now, may I introduce Iceman.

"Thank you. Thank you, everyone. I'll be here till Thursday. Buy my CDs; they're in the lobby."

Oh, stuff it, Iceman. This is a serious television series full of dangerous stunts, terrains, and animals.

"Can't be as dangerous as half the people I live with. I mean, take Wolverine's breath for example—"

No, I think we'll just move on to our next contestant…

"But I'm not done yet! I haven't even gotten to the good gags!"

There are good gags?

"You're harsh, man…"

Moving on to our next contestant… Miss Jean Grey!

"Wait a minute. I thought that because of the MRA you couldn't give out my real name."

Well, you're the one without a code name, you know. There's nothing the network can really do about that. When you put "Jean Grey" under "Mutant Alias" you kinda screwed yourself over, Red.

"Well, I usually never—I mean, it's not that—Why can't I have a code name! Why, WHY, WHY!"

Settle down, Jean. It will be okay. You're a great telekinetic, you're loved by everyone, and you're one of the best students in Bayville.

"I am the best, aren't I?"

Yeah… sure you are.

Moving on once again…Avalanche.

"Yeah, what?"

You're next in the line-up.

"So? What's it to ya?"

Well, then… I was just going to say that you wear a stupid punch bowl on your head, can't control your powers worth a damn, and… and you're ugly too.

"Shadowcat loves me."
"Who, like, lied to you?"

Ha, ha, ha…

Our next contestant enjoys Bananas Foster, red beans and rice, long, romantic walks along the bayou, and usually ogling himself in the mirror for hours at a time.

"Dat wadn't very nice, mon ami."

What? You don't want me to sugar-coat it, do you? You're a cocky, narcissistic egomaniac. What else was I supposed to say to make you sound loveable?

" 'Sides dat Gambit got abs you could wash a load a'laundry wit?"

(collective female sigh)

Oh, please, Swamp Rat. That may be true but everything else said about you was also true.

"Ah, but dose be some a'Gambit's best qualities."

Put that sexy Cajun smirk away. I've got work to do.

Our next contestant, although he doesn't like to talk about it much, is a Holocaust survivor turned mutant rights activist: Magneto, Master of Magnetism!

"That still has a patent pending. You need to watch your copyright laws."

Come on, Magneto, how many other Master's of Magnetism, patent pending, could there be?

"I'm just saying…"

Our next contestant is hairy, smelly, and a lot more lovable than Sabertooth.

"Grrr…"

Sorry, Sabe, but it's true. I'm now happy to introduce Wolverine.

"Wolverine…"

Down, Sabe, down.

There's really not too much to say about Wolverine, because he suffers from amnesia that came about around the time when his skeleton was coated with adamantium, therefore, he neglected to fill out the form provided at the beginning of the show.

"Sorry, Bub."

No problem. This is getting long enough as it is, and we still have 11 more mutants to introduce.

"Well, get crackin', Bub."

Next is Quicksilver, the fast-footed and even faster-tongued son of Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending.

"You bet I'm the fastest. I'd run circles around you any day of the week."

Oh, yeah. Well, I think you're just using your mutant abilities to compensate for the fact that you're a pansy.

"A pansy? Wait a minute, I—"

Actually, I'm sorry, you're not a pansy.

"That's right. I'm not."

No, you're a—

BEEP!

(cut to announcer) Are you're whites white enough? If not, try the new and improved OxyClean! OxyClean cuts through tough stains making you're whites whiter and your brights brighter!

(cut back to Quicksilver crying)

Pansy…

Also, check this out, viewers; it seems that the first season of Mutant Survivor is a family affair! Next on my list is the Scarlet Witch, twin sister of Quicksilver and daughter of Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending.

"Why did you have to say that? I hate my brother and I hate my father…if you could even call him a father."

"But, Wanda, I told you I was sorry…."

"Dad! Don't use my real name!

"Sorry."

Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we will introduce the rest of the contestants and drop them off on the island for the start of Mutant Survivor!