Sometimes, late at night, Mako feels like he might throw up.
Like many stressed people, Mako tends to wake up in the middle of the night. A lot. Bolin's snoring doesn't help, either.
And when he wakes, he instantly wishes he hadn't. Not for fear of Bolin's snorting, or because he always feels that his covers are too hot. It's not even the habitual feeling that someone's going to attack him, a little something he picked up when he and Bolin were still on the streets.
It's because, late at night, he thinks of you-know-who.
While he's still half-conscious, he dreams that she's there with him in his stuffy bed. His arms are around hers, and he's holding her hands in his own. He imagines her dark, dense hair spilling down the pillow and tickling his cheek. His dreams tell him that she's breathing deeply, relaxed in his arms. He smells the ocean from her hair, and the forest is in her skin. All he can think is that she's so incredible, so pure and great, and that he's so, so lucky that she chose him, of all people. He loves her, and he can't stop smiling about the fact that she feels the same way.
Then Bolin sputters, and his eyes open to complete darkness. He's alone. Reality smacks him briskly across his face.
He does love her. And she does feel the same way.
But there was an accident. A horrible, horrible accident.
He said something he shouldn't have.
The regret washes over him, and his chest feels ridiculously heavy. His face tightens.
I'll always love you.
It wasn't about Asami. Asami is great, and Mako cares deeply for her, but now that he can have neither her nor you-know-who, he sees who he wants more- who he needs more. He can see who he can't live without.
It wasn't even about their jobs, really. Mako was less concerned about his duty than he was about her safety and her well-being. He knew the right answer, and he knew that if she chose wrong, she would hate herself later. Mako wanted to be right, yes, but he wanted to be right so she could be right. Being right can protect someone.
He suspects that for her, it was an insecurity. Of course he'd take the side against her; it wouldn't have been the first time he's betrayed her. And she'd wanted to be right to protect everyone else. She's supposed to know better than him, anyway. She's the Avatar, and he's just an amateur cop.
But, again, it wasn't about their jobs.
It was about their roles to one another. She didn't really want his advice- she already had too many voices in her head, telling her what was wrong and what was right. What she wanted was someone to come home to and be herself with. She didn't really want Avatar talk, despite how much she began Avatar talk. It was just something bugging her. She wanted Mako to reassure her, not guide her. She needed him to tell her that what she was doing was right. While everyone else was shouting at her, she needed to know from the person she could trust most that her own way of doing things wasn't wrong. She needed him to remind her, in that way, that she wasn't a failure or a figurehead. Mako was supposed to stroke her hair and tell her to do what she thought was right, because no one else was going to.
The problem was that she wasn't right.
Mako wanted to be her safe haven. He really did. But he would rather be on the front lines protecting her than back home, consoling her from something much less serious. Even if she hated him for it. All he wanted was for her to be safe (from herself, from war, from all of it). The rest of the world was important, too, but Mako realized later that she was the world, in one way or another. So he didn't take her side.
And when she took the blow of what she considered betrayal, he got frustrated, and it became more about his job than her, and she reciprocated his argument, and next thing they knew, they were the investigator and the Avatar, not Mako and- well, you-know-who.
He saw the shift, and he called it out. He was bluffing, really.
The heartbreak on her face was enough to make him want to swallow his words.
Such a terrible accident.
And, when she asked whether he meant it, there was another accident.
Mako forgot all about her. He was the investigator. She was simply his girlfriend. And he was angry, frustrated, flustered from the argument. Most of all, though, he simply thought his decision was the best. That maybe it was better this way, after all.
Later, he tried to justify it. He would tell himself that he couldn't be the boyfriend she wanted him to be, that she wasn't mature enough, that he'd liked Asami first, blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
The truth was that it was all a big, dumb mistake. It was fate and him.
Mako is a very stupid boy.
Now nausea creeps into his gut.
She's his world. And it's his fault she's turned away from him.
They said they'd always love one another. She gave him one last kiss, their lips chapped from the cold. He remembers her hands shaking. He felt like he was made of lead. But he held onto it, because it was his last piece of her and him.
She they pulled back, she was crying. Mako tried for a smile (You did this, you made her cry), but he had to stop because his lip was about to bust. She saw his effort, though. She tried, too. And then she walked away from him.
Mako didn't know how long always meant. He was unsure whether you stopped loving someone after some time, or if the pain digging into him at that moment would always be a part of him.
Now he has his answer.
The pain continues. It's duller, less fresh, but it's still there. He wonders if he just feels this way because of how, every day, he fights the instinct to pick her up and swing her around.
It's so easy to treat her like the Avatar, because he never knew the Avatar. But she still smiles that same way, stretching her dark skin and squinting her eyes. She's still so strong and so good, and even as Mako fails to meet her eyes and addresses her as the Avatar, he still feels the girl he knows so well standing in front of him. So when he leaves, he's in pain. She was right there, and he couldn't even call her by her first name.
Maybe the worst part is how he still wants to protect her. He has no right to, but he would still take anything in her place. He's that afraid of losing her.
Yet he pretends he never knew her.
Mako runs to the bathroom and retches. It's never been this bad before.
He comes back to find Bolin's eyes open, and staring right at him.
"You okay, Mako?" he mumbles with alarm, drowsily taking in his brother's pale, sweaty face and twisted features.
Mako's breathing is slightly heavier than usual.
"Yeah," he says quietly. "I'm fine. Get some rest."
Bolin dutifully lies back down, but his eyes don't close. Mako turns out the bathroom's light and flops back into his bed.
"I love you, bro," Bolin says in an attempt at consolation, drifting off. "You're the best brother...a guy could..."
Bolin falls asleep, and Mako's head hurts.
He's a terrible brother, a terrible, friend, a terrible person. He deserves none of the things or people he has.
And that's it, he realizes.
She's so amazing and loyal and selfless.
He's so...not.
She was too good for him in the first place.
The thought contorts his face even further. For the first time in a long time, Mako actually fights back tears.
The next morning, Bolin will call a doctor. Asami, Lin, Tenzin, and you-know-who will crowd around his bed, waiting for his dangerously high fever to go down. He'll be diagnosed with stress-induced sickness, and he'll even get the next week or so off to heal.
But now, as Mako's cheeks become wet, all he can do is choke out a single sentence.
"I love you, Korra."
Always still isn't over, and Mako has reached the peak of self-hatred.
A/N: Sorry, but even douchebags have feelings, too, lol.
For real, though. I doubt Mako is really okay with all the mistakes he makes. Like anyone that frequently makes bad decisions, I'm sure they seem like they aren't so harmful when he makes them, and then later they get to him. And good lord, I do believe that he only likes Asami because WHO DOESN'T LIKE ASAMI? She's nearly perfect. Nevertheless, Mako LOVES Korra and IS STRONGLY ATTRACTED TO Asami. But now he can have neither, and it's totally what he deserves, but I'm just upset because I think that he and Korra were definitely happy together, and that it's a shame that their view differed so much that they felt they couldn't be together anymore.
Just...poor Mako. Poor, stupid, confused, stressed, trying-to-turn-himself-around Mako. I know how it feels to eff up multiple times in a row, and then eff up again right when you don't want to. It's not like you can't control yourself, but good lord, sometimes you just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
Anyway.
Yeah. Back to homework, thanks for reading. :D