CHAPTER 1

Castiel

I needed to stop pacing around. It just literally was not doing me any good. I watched Sam as his fingers rattled on the keyboard. He was trying to distract himself, again, I suppose. For weeks, we searched and searched for Dean. We assumed Metatron extracted his body later on. We researched day and night for a way to bring him back. No luck, so far. Even if Dean was gone for good, I assumed he still wanted a proper "hunter's burial," as he once told me.

I sat down on the bed next to Sam and exhaled. We were occupying his room in the Men Of Letters mansion. I could not fathom why Sam continued to stay in this house. It was full of Dean.

I could not stand it.

Sam shut the laptop and breathed out. "Cas, he's gone."

I chewed on my bottom lip and shut my eyes.

He put his hand over mine, closing it. "You know I miss him, too. But, he wouldn't want us to endlessly search a way to bring him back. He would want to rest."

I snatched my hand away. "How would you know what he wants?"

"What he would want." He winced. "And, because I was his brother."

"He was my—" My eyes flickered downward. "Is my best friend."

He's more than that…

The tears stung my eyes. "Our bond…," I whispered.

His hand slowly went up to touch my cheek. "Well, you and I- we have a bond now, don't we?" He smiled slightly, his thumb tracing my chin.

He lay me on my back and hovered over me, undressing his torso.

As his shirt flew to the floor and his hand fell below my stomach. I closed my eyes and imagined another…

Okay, so maybe I was having coitus with Sam. Perhaps I was distracting myself on a whole new level. But, at this point something had to fill my heart. I had felt Dean's absence every moment since he left.

I felt bad for Sam. I know that he knew that I loved Dean. We'd never mentioned it, but it was not hidden that I had always cared for Dean in such a way. I had always wondered if he had felt the same.

Yet, Sam still continued with this charade. He continued to kiss me. To touch me.

The worst part is that I couldn't help but wish it were Dean. I kept making myself believe it was. I thought of him every time.

I grabbed sweatpants off of Sam's dresser as I crawled out of bed. I brought the liquor bottle along, as well. Rubbing my lightly bearded face, I walked out of his room and into Dean's.

His scent instantly hit me. I inhaled sharply and exhaled shakily. I leaned on the doorframe and my stomach went into knots.

Slowly, I approached the bed. I came in here almost every night. I sat on the bed, wishing Dean was with me.

And so I did just that, curling up slightly and hugging his pillow. But, this time, I buried my face and let the tears fall. It felt like I would drown in them.

I almost welcomed it.

Dean

I thought about going back. I was only though the front door. I could just leave here and pretend I'd never left from the bedroom that day. I wish I could forget about what Crowley said.

But, then a part of me didn't. A part of me—the demon part of me—he loved the rage. The power. I was hungry for it. But, I had to fight it. I had to. But, I didn't feel all myself. I knew I wasn't the same. But, I had to see Castiel.

I walked through the hallway of the house. Something stopped me in my tracks.

Castiel.

He stood in the doorway of my room, tears glistening his cheeks. And as he looked my way, the Whiskey bottle clashed on the ground.

"Dean?" His voice cracked.

"The one and only, baby." I spun around. Raising a brow, I laughed. "Grew a beard, again?" A snort came from my throat. I didn't step to close to him.

But, he decided to.

He slowly walked to me, carefully, as if I am a merely dream. I shook my head. My thoughts were so soft with him. I didn't think coldly, right now. I questioned myself why.

I lost the thought when he pulled me into a tight hug, squeezing me. God, I missed this..

Missed? God, no! He is my enemy now.. I can't..

He doesn't feel like an enemy, though. A part of me screamed to kill him. The other part wanted to hold him.

He stepped away and smacked me in the face.

I closed my eyes just before I felt my eyes flash black. I calmly paused a few seconds, and opened them to reveal the green ones.

"What the hell was that for?"

"You come before me and comment on my grooming habits instead of telling me where the hell you've been the past few weeks?" He glared. "And how the fuck you're alive?"

He studied me. I felt it. His eyes loomed over my visage. I knew he found something odd.

"Where's Sammy—Sam, where's Sam?" I cleared my throat and leaned against the wall. "I need to tell you both something." I brushed nonexistent lint off my shirt and licked my dry lips.

For some reason, I want him to not hate me. But, in all honesty, I'd come back to tell them I couldn't see them again. I knew that some part of my old human self really cared for them. I was wondering why that was seeping through.

"In his room, asleep. Is everything alright, Dean?" He cocked his head to the side.

"I'd rather wait."

"I want to know now. I've waited almost a month to see you, Dean. Whatever it is, I don't care. I'm just glad you're here."

I scoffed and smirked coyly. "You say that now." Looking away, I sighed. "Did Sam tell you what Metatron did to me? I did die. But, as a result of having the Mark of Cain, I didn't really die."

I blew out a breath and pulled at my belt loop. "I'm not human anymore. I'm a demon." His eyes went wide. "And not just any demon. Meet the newest Knight of Hell."

He stared, speechless.

"Well, this is awkward." I said after about thirty seconds of silence.

"You're what?" He shook his head and closed his eyes tightly. Tears fell from them and he closed the space between us, embracing me.

"I don't care. We'll fix th—"

"I can't be fixed. I don't want to be fixed. This is who I am now."

But, then I realized something. He wasn't trying to kill me. "Why don't you hate me? How can you not?"

"I could never hate you." He swallowed. "But, there's something I need to tell y—"

"Cas, come back to bed!" Sam said from behind me.

My jaw dropped. Pain shot through my gut. Not real pain, but emotional. Emotional? That's fucking nonsense. I have no emotions. I scoffed inside of my head and swallowed any strangle "feelings" that were trying to erupt.

"Boning my brother now, Castiel? Jeez, didn't even know you swung that way." I laughed as I looked at Sam. "Sorry for interrupting," I said sourly.

"Samm-ayyyy, join the party. S'up?" I crossed my legs.

"Dean?" He ran a hand through his hair.

"So, we've basically now established that I'm now a Knight of Hell demon because of the Mark of Cain, blah blah blah. I didn't die, though. Woo!" I pumped my fists.

I sighed. "Oh, right, you want to be rid of me now." I frowned as I saw Sam instantly grab a knife.

"Well, I see at least you weren't too worried about me whilst I was gone." I grinned. Why did insults roll more easily off my tongue than with Castiel? I remembered loving Sam vaguely. Did I love Castiel? Surely a brother's love is stronger than a friend's? But, the love I remembered… the one that lingered—it didn't feel friendship-like.

"Come on, stab me. Hit me. Whichever. But, just don't get it on the outfit.." I sighed, taking off my shirt. "You can't kill me, though. That wouldn't work. You wouldn't really kill your big brother, though, would you, Sam?"

He stared at me. "If you're a demon.." He shut his eyes and coughed. "You're not my brother, anymore." He dropped the knife. "This isn't over. If I can't get my brother back, I will kill you. I will," he threatened me.

"Cass, don't let him out of your sight. Hold him here."

He walked to me, raising a brow.

"Dean, I promise you, we will f—"

"So, how long've you and my brother been rockin' the boat?" I leveled my weight on one leg and licked my lips in interest.

"Dean, I—" He shook his head. "About a week after you left."

"A week? Damn, you grieved well, I see."

He growled, grabbing me by the shirt and pinned me against the wall. "Just because you are a Knight of Hell now doesn't mean I will not kick your ass into next tomorrow."

I snorted, "That's not how it g—"

"You have no idea," he grabbed my chin. "No fucking idea how it is to have the man you are in love with leave you for what you thought was forever! I thought you died! I thought Metatron took your body! I would've done anything to ease that pain.."

Love? What the fuck? Did he just? I mentally shook myself. "You know what? Fine." I pushed him back. "Just—I gotta go. I have to. Take care of Sam."

"Did you not hear what I said? I love you, Dean." He backed me up against the wall. My body went ridged. His hard muscles were pressed against mine. I felt hardness between the both of us. My cock jerked. My heart plummeted. Heart? Shit…

"I love you." He shut his eyes. "Come back to me," he whispered. I shuddered.

I knew I couldn't. This was the way I was supposed to be now. I needed to walk away. I shouldn't care.

I took his hands off my shoulders where they were pinning me. His eyes fell to the floor and he backed away.

"Even if I did come back as your old pie-eating human Dean, you're with Sam." I sighed. "Obviously, anyone can see it's more than a coping-fuck for him." My voice was iced.

"I can't hurt him. I'm sure this has hurt him enough. Not like I care, though." I shrugged, rolling my eyes.

He stared at me and scoffed. "God, Dean.."

As a smartass 'No, demon,' remark was about to slide from my tongue, he held his hand up.

"Even as a demon, your main priority is your brother. Sam. It's always Sam." Hurt filled his eyes. "You know what? I'm being ridiculous. Of course... Sam first."

But he was wrong.

"You know what, get out of here before he kills you, just g—"

Before I knew it, I was front of him, grabbing his hand. I pull him by his belt loops and my fingers wrap around the string of his trinchcoat. I jerked his chin to the side with my free hand and whispered in his ear. "Even as a demon, I know it's you who is always first."

And then, for fuck knows why, I knew what felt right. Against all the feelings I had to snap his neck and find the nearest angel blade…

I pressed my lips against his, kissing him deeply. My lips slowly moved over his. Fiery sparks spread all over my body. I had to do it just once.

And it was fricken' worth it.

"I love you, too," I whispered against his lips.

And then I walked through the front door.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

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