Prologue- Lips are turning blue, a kiss I can't renew, I only dream of you, my beautiful

January 21st 2011

The street was dark, bathed in the dark and silence that accompanied the hours just before dawn. I lit another cigarette, breathing in the tobacco as though it was the first breath I had taken all day. The night air was damp, the occasional breeze causing me to shiver. I sat on the roof of my house, observing the woods of my small town one last time for a few months. Forks Washington, population a little bit over 3000, 3120 the last time I checked.

I flicked the cigarette butt onto the driveway below me, ticking my lighter into my bra. I stood up looked at the sky, just as a shooting star lit it up. In a very un-lady like fashion, I snorted. You can't wish upon a star, not for anything. It just lets you down.

I took a deep breath and kneeled down, grabbing a tree branch and dropping my feet onto the ledge of my window. I climbed back inside and shut the window and the blinds, returning my room to its gloomy state. I liked everything better without light.

I was leaving tomorrow morning, my car was packed up and all that was left was to drive out of here in two hours. Driving out meant going home, home to University of Alaska, floor fifteen. This wasn't home anymore.

I often stayed awake, wondering if going to a school over 48 hours away made everything go away. If the month between semesters meant anything, it simply showed that no, nothing went away, everything was filled with memories. Did I deserve to forget? To leave? Was it running away? Was I a coward?

My stomach churned and bile rose in my throat as memories I desperately wanted to push out of my mind, flooded as though a dam broke. It's like a watching a train wreck, you desperately want to close your eyes but you can't. The only thing was I couldn't close my eyes, because it was in my head and unless i suddenly learned how to turn off my brain, this could be a problem.

I grabbed my phone, shuffling thought the contacts quickly. I found the desired name and typed out a message, setting my phone down to await a reply.

You packed yet? ~ Bella

My phone buzzed alerting my of a reply less than a moment later,

Just put everything in my car, why are you awake? ~Jasper

Couldn't sleep, you want some breakfast? ~Bella

Make it pasta and i'll be there in 15 minutes, well actually make that 8, i'm hungry ~Jasper

Already boiling water, see you soon ~Bella

Stop thinking B, it's bad for your brain ~Jasper

I forced a smile that probably looked like a grimace, putting on my slippers and walking down the creaky stairs to unlock the door, then setting water to boil in the kitchen.

Exactly 8 minutes later the front door creaked open, and my blond haired, blue eyed, best friend stood in my living room dressed in flannel pajamas and a hoodie.

"Hey B." He came over and wrapped me in a hug, kissing my head. The tension left my body, the panicked feeling gone.

"Hey J." I said, my voice muffled by his hoodie. I let go of him, turning to pour pasta into the pot.

"I'm sorry I was gone, I'm sorry for leaving you here alone." I laughed, trust Jasper to apologize for stupid shit like visiting his family over Christmas break. The Whitlock's were big on family.

"You're an idiot, i'm fine." I took ingredients out of the fridge to make sauce.

"Are you 'i'm really not fine but i'm not gonna say otherwise" or are you "i avoided all my feelings this month so when I get to school i'm gonna unload it through intense song and then break down one random day." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Alright Doctor Phil, there's no need to analyze me just cause your a psychology major. I said i'm fine, i'm just excited to go back to school." We sat in silence as I strained the pasta and warmed the sauce.

"Are you sure your okay? By your lack of e-mails for 4 days, I know you saw him." I didn't answer, pouring sauce on the pasta and garnishing it with cheese. He sighed and tried again.

"I guess it's safe to say though that you won our bet for the break between semesters, you were indeed the most relaxed. You saw 56 movies, baked 12 new desserts, and finished the first two seasons of Lost. You win B." I laughed bitterly, setting a bowl in front of him, and one across from him for me.

"I wasn't trying to win the break J, I was trying to survive it."

We ate in silence.