Kill Pig

"So you're sure you want to walk this path? Roaming the forest without the fifth member of the Fairytale Five will be unbearable." Pig lamented.

"Not to mention mathematically impossible." I smiled on the side of my mouth.

"Don't be a smart mouth." Pig warned me, but I could see him smiling too.

"I… I was almost eaten. Last week. Those chubby little German kids…"

"What, with the lederhosen? We've taken care of worse characters." Pig waved my concern off.

"Not these two, Pig. Not these two. These two got me at a weak moment-"

"You got right back on your feet with the help of Old Man-"

"They nearly ripped my head off-"

"Your team, Fox, Old Woman, Old Man, Me! After we recovered your sword we took the kids down-"

"I just don't feel safe anymore so I think-"

"We're at our peak so I think-"

"I should go."

"You should stay." We finished, our words rising the slightest bit trying to win dominance.

"So that's it. You're leaving us." Pig said that as I had a choice.

"No. I'm leaving the business." I corrected.

Pig chuckled. Pig had two laughs. Amused and bitter. His tone then was just like bad coffee.

"Same thing, G.B."

We two, 'frenemies', stuck at an old farm looked across the river. Right on the other side was my new life. Pig said nothing was there except maybe some more farms, and more Old ladies baking gingerbread who wanted to come to our side of the river. It's funny how we can look at different things that are exactly the same. I inhale and start down the muddy trail, before I stop after four steps and turn to face my former boss. "Pig."

Pig lifts his head, and his eyes seem to coldly burn into me.

"To answer your question… I'm not sure I want to do this. But I have to. Do you get me?"

Pig shakes his head "no". "Nobody can get you G.B." he huffs, a curious curl to his lips.

"That's right!" I started to jog. "Ran as fast as you can!"

I leave the "Cookie Wagon" and place the keys in my gumdrop breast pocket. I limp to her front door. I am sure of myself.

I ring the doorbell. There's a pause. Then I hear footsteps. They're slow but perceptible. I wait patiently. The footsteps scuttle to a stop and the cherry red door squeaks ever so open to reveal Old Woman's face.

"Ginger-"

I propel from the welcome mat and kick the hag in the face. She stumbles back onto that linty old couch and cradles her face in pain.

"You cursed cookie! My face! You've kicked me in the face!"

"Draw your weapon."

"You twisted little thing!" She howled.

"Draw your weapon." I say, brandishing my candy cane sword.

Old Woman huffs and adjusts herself. She lets go of her now bruising face and grips the side of the coffee table. I eye her movements carefully.

" I have not… The slightest idea…" Her spidery hands ease over the small surface, searching for something while keeping eye contact with me.

If I break the contact she could pull a fast one. I slowly move my eyes to the coffee table, where I see a steaming hot cup of chocolate the hag throws in my direction the minute I am unfocused.

"AHHH!" The hot beverage blinds me and I lift the candy sword, swinging violently. Old Woman cackles spitefully and punts me bordering to the lit fireplace. The wind is knocked out of me.

Once upon a time, a little old woman and a little old man lived in a cottage. One day, the little old woman thought she wanted to make a gingerbread man. She rolled the dough and cut out his shape, put raisins for his eyes and icing for his hair, and gave him gumdrop buttons. She placed him in the oven and let him cook.

I smell… Burnt gingerbread…Is that me? I don't feel it…

"You awful little man… You've kept me from the other gingerbread."

I no longer felt the burn of the cocoa in my raisin eyes and freed my arms.

"NEVER AGAIN!" I thwack her right between the eyes. She growls in pain and jerks backward.

Old Woman grabs a fire poker and attempts to stab me, but each time I dart out of the rod's way. I slide between her legs and bound on the old couch. She follows and stabs the life out of it in efforts to get me. I leap of the left arm of the loveseat and hide behind a vase.

It was cobalt blue. I try to steady my breaths and listen out for her footsteps. They go slow, slow, fast. Slow, slow, fast. Then the steps are gone. I brace myself. Old Woman smashes the vase into bits and I dip not to be hit by the mobile debris.

"Die! For the last time! Die!" She swings down hard with a grunt and I dive to the side. The poker is caught in the wooden floor and she struggles to get it free. I run to her left leg and leer over her foot. I lift my weapon up and up and up… And I prepare to strike.

That was the exact moment the grandchild knocks.

"Grandma! Grandma! I'm here early, let me in!"

I stall, with the candy sword hovering over Old Woman's foot. I look up to find Old Woman looking down at me. I could see the cogs in her brain moving quite fast. I do nothing. She does nothing. I fall to the ground, pretending to be a normal gingerbread treat. The kid ran in with a grin in her face and stand still when she notices the front room in disarray. The couch had somehow been covered with holes from the fire poker. The vase mess seems to have exploded all over the floor. I don't necessarily remember when the glass top of the coffee table broke. Old Woman fixes her hair and greets her grandkid with a warm hug.

"Grandma you smell like a cookie." She giggles, amused at her observation.

"Well, Jane… That's because I was busy making a gingerbread man for you!"

This "Jane" beams from ear to ear.

Old Woman makes an audible sigh of relief that her granddaughter was much to naïve to catch.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh! Grandma is this the gingerbread man?" Jane looks down at me.

Her smile slowly fades and her face grows curious. It was not a good curious. It was a "What's That Smell?" curiosity.

"What's wrong with him?" Jane says, upset.

"What do you mean sweetheart?" Old Woman moseys behind Jane.

"His leg is gone…And his face is all angry."

I have a smile. Though my eyebrows furrow so the temperament comes off as… Menacing.

"Jane I made another gingerbread man in the kitchen." Old Woman hums enticingly.

Jane doesn't move. She studies me. She studies the jagged edge Fox left of my leg.

"Jane!" Old Woman snaps her fingers. "Please go to your room."

"Why? And what about the ginger…" Jane stops questioning her grandmother when Old Woman gives her the death glare.

"Go please. The treats will be ready soon."

Jane looks at me one final time. Then she jets upstairs.

Old Woman watches as Jane leaves. She runs her sinewy hands through her gray hair and looks down at me. She sighs.

"Want some vanilla wafers?"

"Yeah."

I walk into the kitchen, behind Old Woman to make sure this isn't some trick.

She grabs two mugs (one saying "World's Greatest Cook") and runs hot water on them. She sets them down.

"Never thought I'd get the pleasure of seeing my greatest creation again." Old Woman filled the mugs with lukewarm chocolate.

"Yeah." I sip the chocolate. "Then again when you think you've killed someone the said person appearing at your front door can be a bit of a shock."

She laughs softly. I guess attempted murder is funny to her.

"I didn't try to kill you."

"Well you didn't exactly save me."

"Killing…" She places the mug down. "Is such a human-oriented word. Fox was trying to eat you. Do you know why? You are a cookie. You're name… Is the Gingerbread Man! Ginger. Bread."

Old Woman dumps her mug into the sink and pulls the oven door open. Smoke fills the room.

"What did you expect?"

I grip the mug handle. I remind myself it's not hot enough to burn her.

"I suppose you're right. Then again it doesn't stop the really strange urge I have to sock you in the face."

Old Woman rubs her forehead, frustration wrinkling her face.

"Will you not let this go?" She huffs.

"Let it go!" I slam the mug down to the floor. It breaks into little pieces of a shattered reindeer photo and a chocolate puddle. "Do you think I enjoy having one leg? You insensitive hag!"

Old Woman slams a cooking pan down.

The sudden movement silences me. I sit back on the counter.

"We can't settle this here… My granddaughter."

"Fine. I understand…Wouldn't want my family knowing I was a murderer."

Old Woman narrows her eyes. "Oh, oh, of course. Attempted. Attempted murderer. Happy?"

"We can do it when her parents come to get her." Old Woman continues.

"When?"

"Tomorrow, crack of dawn."

"OK." I agree. My nerves settle.

Old Woman turns the oven back on. She opens the door. I can feel it's heat. She faces me.

"So… Have you seen Pig yet?"

I pause. Then I blink hard.

"I'm looking right at her."

She laughs. Then her laugh becomes sharp.

"That's funny G.B…"

She picks up the cooking pan.

"That's real funny!"

Old Woman takes the pan she slammed earlier and tries to crush me. I karate kick her chest and her right foot slips on my broken mug/chocolate mess. Old Woman then almost recoils half in the open oven and push her completely in and I close the door.

As I leave the house, I can still hear her screaming.