Plot: Pre-infarction. House and Wilson attempt a series of competitions to determine just who is "The bigger man". Cuddy, of course has to act as referee.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Spoilers: None.

Characters: House, Wilson, Cuddy.

A/N: I haven't written anything in over a year and this idea kind of crept into my head. Hopefully you'll enjoy this and please let me know if you have any comments, concerns or questions.

Thanks and enjoy!

-To Competition!-

"House!?" Wilson bellowed incredulously. "House, are you even listening to me?"

"Nope…" The man in question, Gregory House answered abruptly, as was his fashion. House took another swig from his pint of Guinness and continued "I don't listen to morons!"

"Moron!? You're calling me moronic!? N-now I know you're drunk." The 'moron' James Wilson hiccupped loudly, before breaking into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. He fought hard to suppress them and only partially succeeded. "I mean come on, I'm just…tell him Cuddy." There was no response. Wilson was vaguely aware of House making a subtle comment about how women ignored him because they thought he was a closet homosexual. He decided to ignore House and focus on the woman sitting next to him. "Cuddy!" He shoved her in a vain attempt to get her attention.

Lisa Cuddy's head snapped around as she stared wide-eyed at Wilson. They'd been doing this all night; arguing about absolutely nothing. While it was highly amusing at first, she soon grew tired of the entire pointless conversation and instead focused on her Corona and a particularly naughty alcohol induced fantasy concerning herself, Brad Pitt, a beach in Maui and a ridiculous amount of tanning oil. "What?" She didn't sound pleased.

"House here seems to think that he--" Wilson, completely oblivious to her tone had to suppress another fit of giggles. "That he's had more sexual experiences than me. I mean, it's ridiculous, right?" He giggled again and a smiled seemed permanently plastered on young James' face. He was sure Cuddy would back him on this. Just as she was about to respond, House broke in.

"I told you, for the purposes of this argument, your experiences with other men don't count jimmy--not that there's anything wrong with that of course. I'm sure that one day you and nurse Ricky--or is it Dicky? Whichever, point is I'm sure that one day you two will find happiness together." House laughed breathlessly and pointed his slim finger at Wilson, whose smile had been replaced with an angry scowl in record breaking time. Still pointing, he finished his pint and gestured to the bartender to bring them another round.

"House, stop pretending I'm gay, it isn't even funny. And for your information…" Wilson's voice was steadily rising. He took another drink before slamming his empty glass on the table. He suddenly pointed at a woman in the pub. "I slept with her; very flexible, " Wilson raised his eyebrows towards a tall blonde near the counter, "and her; she was…sweet. " The second woman, a smallish brunette, proceeded to wave at Wilson when she saw him pointing; he didn't bother to wave back. "See?" He seemed endlessly satisfied with himself. "Which ones did you get with?"

Cuddy, finally having reached her melting point shouted suddenly, "Oh, would you two just pull 'em out and measure 'em already!" Both men stared at Cuddy and then each other. House grinned and slowly moved his hands below his waist, attempting to undo his zipper.

"House!" Wilson squealed, his face crimson red. He reached over and batted House's hands away from his nether-regions. House, made a pouting face "House, are you crazy?"

"Seemed like a good idea…" House responded honestly.

"You're right though," Wilson was looking at Cuddy now. "not the 'pull 'em out and measure 'em' bit--that's gross by the way . But we should have a competition. Settle this stuff once and for all. Find out who the bigger man really is." Wilson looked extremely pleased with himself. He looked at House and then Cuddy. "Well?"

"Fine." House said simply. "Waitress! Our drinks?!" House's shouting caught Cuddy and Wilson of guard, but it seemed to get the redhead's attention. "I hope you're not working your way through medical school; I'd hate for you to be late with some life saving medication!"

"First of all: ouch! Secondly, stop being an ass; this place is packed and she's clearly busy. And C! No wait…three, you're actually buying us drinks?" Wilson feigned a look of shock.

"Nope, you are." House smiled and pulled out a MasterCard With the name 'James E. Wilson' written on the front. "You are such a gentleman."

Wilson shook his head and smiled. "Right." He sighed.

"Anyway, the competition," Cuddy spoke--she seemed suddenly excited by the idea. "we should have a bunch of different rounds, you know? Something physical, something mental, and then I can referee!!" She was grinning ear to ear--the woman obviously had way too much time on her hands.

"Sounds good to me." Wilson said as the waitress finally arrived with their drinks. "House, you in?"

House passed their drinks around in silence before raising his mug and shouting "To completion!"

Wilson and Cuddy shrugged before following suit. This was going to be an interesting couple of weeks…

It all started with an offhand remark. In a pub called 'The Tap and Dangle'. In the corner booth, directly adjacent to the men's toilets. It was here that two rather intoxicated men and a busty woman would embark on an epic quest to determine once and for all who exactly ruled the halls of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.