Beneath My Facade

Chapter 1: Schizophrenic Masochism

Ok, what the hell was I thinking when I wrote this? I look back and I think, damn, Ive degraded poor Light too much in this. Nevermind, he deserved it for being such a dick in the series. Then again, I like to think of myself being very similar to Light. Maybe I have subconscious desires to hurt myself, who knows, you learn something new every day I guess...plus this place needs more angsty LightxMisa fanfiction, period. Either way, this was inspired by two other fanfictions, Beautiful Sin and True Affection and me hating myself for random reasons (?)

It is long since Light had beaten Near at his own game, just barely. After killing him off, and eliminating the remaining SPK members, Light finally achieved the goal he strived to accomplish for years now. He had become the God Of The New World. However, one thing stayed in his mind, Misa was still there. He had to have someone with the Shinigami eyes there to rule with him so that he didnt have to make the deal himself and lower his lifespan. Kiyomi Takada was killed by Mikami under his orders so she couldnt help, and as for Mikami, he sacrificed himself to give Light time to write the names of the agents in his Death Note. Misa was the only set of eyes he had left, without her, he wasnt the almighty god he was now.

Light sat in his chair and fought with himself over his feelings for Misa. 'Kira' hated her.

"Light, what are you doing?" 'Kira' says "Do you really think that a ditzy blonde like her is worthy of ruling the new world with you? Kill her off, you'll do just fine without her!"

However, deep down, 'Light Yagami' loves Misa. He doesnt want to admit it though, love is for the weak. Everyone is his tool, no one is worthy of being his significant other since he is so great, no one...right? Beneath a facade of unwillingness to succumb to a relationship, a facade that even L failed to see through, carrying the idea that Light hated Misa to the grave with him, the human inside Light wanted...needed someone to be his other half.

These emotions were kept completely suppressed for years, what if she took him for granted and eventually left him? He had to make sure that she knew he was in charge. Every time he shouted at her, every time he hit her, it hurt him more than it hurt her. And what hurt him even more was that she'd wake up the next day and forgive him as if nothing happened. She'd put more makeup on to cover the scars he'd caused and she'd still smile at him and kiss him every day. Once, he hit her so hard she fell down to the ground, he just turned away, hoping she could say something like "Fuck you Light" and storm off, but instead she just whimpered "But Light...I...I love you". Later that day Light locked himself in his room and said he was dealing with business when instead he just payed himself back with his own medicine. He sat there and took the pain, knowing it was what he deserved for his sins. In the end, Light hated himself, he was the same thing he wanted to rid the world of...evil.

He didnt know who to listen to, 'Light Yagami' the human who was inside him, the one who could love, who fought for a better world and who was the reason the whole thing ever started, or 'Kira' the manipulative, egomaniacal, god-complexed identity that he gave to himself in order to become suitable for leading the new world.

Light sits in his chair and thinks, the last problem that eats away at him. And who would have known that after dealing with L, Mello and Near, his biggest challenge was what he would do with Misa. He couldn't go on using her like this, it was too much, after all these years. He would either tell her to go away, or find a way to let go of 'Kira's pride'. Suddenly the door unlocked and Light sat up straight and waited for whoever was on the other side. as expected, it was Misa. There smiling, at him, for him, but not with him. As usual, a frown marked Light's lips. He could tell by both her body language and the way she looked at him that she had probably carried out his orders wrongly again. Light clenched his fist "Not again...I dont want to hit you again" he thought

"Raito-kun..." Misa sighs "I...I made a small mistake..."

"AGAIN?!" Light shouts, getting up from the chair, Misa's eyes widen in fear. "Stop, Light Yagami, what are you doing?" he kept telling himself

"It was so unpredictable I had no idea, RAITO-KUN, PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" She shouted as Light lifted his hand up and she covered her face with hers.

Light looked down onto her, his hand still raised, his eyes filled with hatred. His emotional world broke down inside of him, everything he had kept suppressed all those years now rang around in his head, he felt his sanity slowly leaving him. It was time for the God to pass down judgment onto...himself. Light removes the mask he wore all this time and lets his suppressed emotions overflow. He suddenly realizes what he deserves. Misa allowed herself a peek from between her fingers to see what Light was doing. She saw him, now with his hand raised down, but his face was still angry.

"Raito-kun I promise I'll do better next time just give me another chance" Misa pleaded but her eyes doubled in size when Light collapsed to his knees in front of her.

"Ra...Raito-kun?" she asked, not knowing if he was ok, she had never seen him act this way "Are you alright?"

"Misa..." Light sighed "Do me...a favor"

"Oh...Anything to make up for what I did before! What is it Raito-kun? I umm...I can go out an-" Misa began but Light's answer shocked her even more

"Hurt me, Misa" Light replied, a broken look filled his gaze

"Raito-kun?" she asked, worringly

"Do it, make me suffer like I did to you" Light said

"I...why, Raito-kun? I dont hate you for what you've done, the failures were my fau-" Misa tried to reason with Light but he grabbed her hand and forced her nails into his skin.

"Stop lying to yourself" Light said pushing down harder. "This...is this what I've done to you?"

"No!" Misa replied as Light's blood dyed her nails scarlet

"You're right..." Light said "I deserve worse" he grabbed Misa's high heeled boot and pressed it onto his chest

"No, thats not what I meant" Misa said, shaking his grip off her leg "It's ok! Everything you've done to me, its fine!"

Light got up and picked up a glass ornament they had in the household "Misa...nothing will ever be fine...not with me..." he said and he tightened his grip on it

"Well, it hurt but still, dont do this to yourself" Misa asked

Light brought the ornament down onto the table and shattered it, his hand still holding it so that the glass shards would rip into him. He gasped and slowly regained his breath as Misa rushed to his side

"Raito-kun stop!" she said "Acknowledging what youve done is enough to make me happy, why can't you be happy with me now?"

"Because I don't deserve to be happy" Light said holding his blood stained hand with his other one "I deserve to suffer, just like you have, just like all the people I sent to their deaths"

"You've suffered enough!" Misa said getting a hold of his hand as well

"Make me suffer more" Light pleaded with her

"But...I love you Light" Misa said, looking into his eyes The words struck a chord in Light's unpure and corrupted heart. She shouldnt love him, she should have hurt him just like he did to her, but for some reason, after this, he felt slightly better about himself, not redeemed yet, but...'Light' not 'Kira' was finally talking again. Getting him out might have been a painful process but right now it was worth it, for her. He dropped to his knees again. "Misa..." he sighed one last time before everything went black and he collapsed completely...

Whoo! Now was that a stupidly angsty fanfiction or what? But either way, this is all Light is gonna do to himself, my fanfiction forecaster predicts fluff in the upcoming chapters with touches of lemon during a few of them too. Until next time!