A/N
Alright. Well here we are again. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying the ending of Rebels threw me for a loop. I might speak more to that later, but this A/N is about this fic. This is an idea I had that came together in the few days I spent digesting the Rebels finale. With the help of some wonderful fellow writers and friends, many of whose works you might have read, I pieced together this story.
I want to make clear from the start that I see this as one possible interpretation of what might have happened after the series finale. This story deals almost exclusively with Sabine. It is a Ezrabine/Sabezra story, but Ezra himself will not be appearing in it. This is basically my idea of what might have happened with Sabine in the 4-5 years she spent before the epilogue.
I say it's a possible interpretation because we all know how much of a strong, confident, skilled, badass Sabine is. That is without question and I couldn't and wouldn't change that even if I wanted to. But this story will be putting Sabine through some very trying emotional experiences. If you're going into this expecting to see just the wise-cracking weapons expert we've all come to love, you may find yourself reading some things in here you might see as out of character or seem to make her seem weaker as a person.
This is not my intent. I approached this from the standpoint of a very mentally and physically strong and capable young woman, who also has a troubled past and history of dealing with emotional topics. We've seen this is the case in the show. What would 5 years essentially alone on another planet do to someone? What would being separated from your best friend (and possibly more) make you feel? What about knowing that even if it was his decision, you played an active role in helping him pull it off, and thus leading to his disappearance or possible death? I refuse to believe anyone, no matter how capable, could go through those situations without experiencing some very traumatic emotions.
This is my attempt to tell the story of Sabine's time on Lothal and how she deals with the grief from losing the most important man in the galaxy to her. Don't worry, I won't be deviating from canon and this is not an AU story, so that strong kickass Sabine we see in the epilogue who is ready to go out there and drag Ezra back home is the same Sabine this story will end with. Just her getting to that point is going to be difficult. Please bear that in mind while you read this.
Consider this your "trigger warning" for the story. It will involve depression, possible alcohol abuse, and self-destructive thoughts among other things. But like I said, it does all work out in the end. So fear not for Sabine Wren :)
Enough blathering, onto the story.
Sabine stood alone in the vast sweeping plains of Lothal, squinting at the evening sun and telling herself it was the glare that was making her eyes water. The orange drive plumes of a solitary VCX-100 freighter shrunk to pinpoints of light, then disappeared, leaving the girl well and truly alone.
It had been a pleasant if subdued affair. Sharing companionship with her family and friends, joining in the victory celebrations with the people of Capital City. Word had already stretched around the globe and spontaneous parades and parties were springing up in every city, town, village, and home worldwide. The crew of the Ghost had taken part in some of them, not wanting to appear ungracious, but also not wanting to linger. There was still more to do, for the fight, and as a family.
To say it had been a shock when Sabine finally revealed her plan would be an understatement. Zeb was confused, Rex gave her a knowing look, and Hera had almost collapsed from grief again, losing a third member of her family in as many weeks. It had taken hours for Sabine to talk Hera into the idea, convincing her that it was right. That it's what Ezra needed from her. In the end, that's what did the trick. Sabine barely remembered the words she had spoken to her surrogate mother, but at some point, while she spoke of Ezra, a new look dawned on Hera's face. She gave a slight if tearful smile, and finally conceded. They would leave, and Sabine would stay.
Each departing friend or family member had made some subtle attempt to get her to come with them. Ketsu had talked about how great it had been to work with her again, and how much she had missed it. Hondo had said he would be willing to hire her on as a probationary crew member, starting at only half a share of course, due to her skill in battle. Zeb of all people had only looked a little sad, and just flat out asked her to reconsider, right before they left. The big guy was often a mystery, but she could tell there was a deep well of emotion he kept hidden under his brawn.
She had laid their fears to rest one by one, telling them that she had things to do, that she would be fine, that she would see them again soon. Spirits were still high from the massive victory over the Empire on Lothal, and everyone couldn't hold back a stirring of confidence and hope from their unlikely victory. A victory Ezra had given them, and Sabine was honor-bound to see through to the end.
So she watched, the Ghost slowly rising from the grasslands and disappearing into the blue sky. Maybe for the last time. The first thing that struck her was the silence. So far away from the city that there wasn't a soul around. She was entirely alone.
But Sabine had been there before and knew how to handle it. Focus on the job. Get it done. Stay sharp, train, prepare. It was an old mantra that had served her well in the past and she would rely on it once again.
Sabine slowly rode the lift to the top of the tower, letting her fingers brush lightly on the rusted and grimy surfaces. At once she knew of another task she would add to her long list of toils. This place was a wreck. And when Ezra got home, which could be any day now, a few weeks at the most, she had to have it ready for him. She knew he would be unwilling to leave Lothal again for the Rebellion. That chapter of his life was over, and he would need a place to stay. No longer a homeless kid living on the streets and stealing to get by, he would be a man protecting his home world. And he deserved only the best she could give him. A few weeks was barely enough time, but she would do what she could.
"That old tower? Why the hell would you want us to do that?" the old man, manager of a local contracting firm, asked her incredulously the next morning.
Sabine knew that with all the work she had to do and in such little time, there was no way she could manage it all by herself. She needed tools, equipment, materials, as well as furnishings. The tower had stood in disrepair for what must have been decades, and every surface, component, and structure needed to either be cleaned, repaired, or replaced outright.
"Because" she started in on him, in a cool even voice, "Ezra Bridger, Lt Commander in the Alliance to Restore the Republic, and the man who just saved you from the Empire, will be coming home soon, and that is his tower. Surely you can find it in your good graces to give him a warm welcome?"
She didn't know if it was the words, the tone, or the almost menacing glare she had leveled at him that did the trick, but soon after the man was apologizing profusely and offering to send a crew right away, free of charge. Sabine was just grateful she didn't need her blasters to do the talking for her. Not that she would have taken it that far….probably. But it was sure nice not to have to find out the hard way.
"Thanks, I'll see you in the morning" Sabine said sweetly, and marched out of the office, leaving the manager in stunned silence.
"Well, now we know who inherited mother's skill at goading people into doing what she says" Tristan Wren said, standing next to his little sister and watching as the work crew lifted another panel of gleaming new durasteel into place. They had been working for two days already, and the progress was astonishing to say the least.
"And father's art skill, don't forget that" Sabine chimed smugly.
"Well, at least I got her fighting genes" Tristan replied, giving her a shove.
"You wanna go right now? Try me." Sabine retorted, pushing him back.
"Maybe another time. I do need to get back soon." her brother said, chuckling.
"What did you tell her?" Sabine asked suddenly serious and measuring his face to see his reaction.
"What makes you think I told her anything? Better to ask forgiveness than permission. She still thinks you're with General Syndulla" he told her, returning her gaze.
Sabine shuffled about nervously for a second, returning her eyes to the work being done on the soon-to-be-new and no-longer-a-communications-tower, her new home away from home.
"…and what about after?" she finally asked.
Tristan paused for a few beats before asking the question she knew was on his mind.
"I guess that depends on how long you plan on keeping this charade up. You know sooner or later she will want to contact you. And when General Syndulla or Senator Mothma can't produce you quickly, she'll know what's up. So, how long will you be here?" Tristan finally said.
"As long as it takes" Sabine replied defiantly.
"I see. That boy means a lot to you, doesn't he?" Tristan said, baiting her with a rigged question of his own.
"He's my best friend Tristan. He would do the same for me. In fact, he did do the same for me, for our whole family. Surely mother can understand that. And if not, tell her I swore an oath to protect this planet until he comes home. If she is Countess Wren, she can respect that at least" Sabine bit back.
"Your best friend huh? Right." Tristan said blandly, masking his suspicions with sarcasm.
"Yes, he is. He's a better friend than I've ever had or deserved. And when he comes back this will be the first place he goes. I will be here when that happens. I know father at least will understand." Sabine told him, as if the matter were already open and shut.
"Oh, I don't doubt he will. You've always had him wrapped around your little finger. But that doesn't exactly solve the problem does it? He might be our mother's husband, but she's the leader of our Clan, not him. If she puts her foot down, I wouldn't put it past her to have you dragged back kicking and screaming" Tristan cautioned her.
"Well then, it's a good thing I have both my father and brother to defend me in my absence and help her see reason" Sabine snapped, quickly growing tired of this whole conversation.
"Is that what this is? Reason?" Tristan said, seeing her beginning to whirl on him.
"Hey relax, I'm on your side" he continued, placating her. "All I'm saying is you need to be ready for when, not if, she finds out what you're really up to. She's going to ask where all this gear went eventually" he said gesturing at the piles of stacked crates containing everything from blasters and charge packs to anti-aircraft rockets.
"I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. It's what I'm good at" Sabine said acidly, but finally noticing her brother's concerned look.
"Listen, Tristan. I'm thankful for all you're doing to help me, and I know you're putting yourself on the line for me with mother. Honestly, I shouldn't be here for more than a few weeks. Ezra is probably already on his way back right now." she told him, deciding that she really didn't need to explain her reasoning fully to him at the moment, or the lengths she would be willing to go.
"I'll tell you what" she continued, seeing that he wasn't entirely satisfied. "When Ezra comes home, we'll give it a few days and we'll take his ship back to Krownest to visit. Hera said she'll be bringing it by for me soon. I know Hera and Zeb will want to see him, so I think a little vacation might be in order after all he went through. If mother catches on to what I'm doing before then, tell her that and that I'll speak to her when we get there. That should buy me another week at least."
Tristan gave her a calculating look, as if he was already working out the things she left unsaid but decided to give up for now. "You're playing with fire little sister. Fine. And I'll see if I can't get father in on your little scheme too. Two against one is better odds."
Sabine rushed forward and wrapped her brother in a sudden and fierce hug, finally letting some of her pent-up emotion break through.
"Thanks Tristan. I knew I could count on you." She whispered in his ear. The sudden use of those words sent a shock of grief through her body and she faltered in her grip.
"Yeah, one of has to be resp-what's wrong?" he asked, feeling her shake in his arms.
Sabine quickly stepped away, taking in a deep breath and putting her mask of bravado back on.
"Nothing, just remembering something I have to do." She told him quickly. "I do really appreciate it, but like you said, you should probably get back. Don't want all of this blowing up in my face too soon"
Tristan gazed at his little sister, seeing her for the woman she had become and began to suspect that she was setting herself on a path that even she did not know the end.
"Sabine…I know you don't want to hear this…but I have to ask. Are you sure all this is worth it? I know he was your best friend and all, but you do still have us. You know that right?"
Sabine stood at her full height, which while still diminutive compared to her brother, was equally intimidating by way of other qualities. "Ezra is my best friend, and yes I'm sure this is all worth it. I'll see you again in a few weeks, with Ezra" she said firmly, closing the matter.
"And if he's not back by then?" Tristan asked, returning her glare.
"He will be." Sabine replied, and turned on her heels and strode off to the tower.
The low rumble of an engine greeted Sabine's exhausted ears one morning about a week later. It had been a very long and tiring span of days, filled with near endless toil on her other half's behalf. Every night Sabine's drooping eyes ended the day's work, and every morning she opened them groggily to begin again. But the effort had paid off, and Ezra's tower was already looking close to brand new. Shimmering white panels had replaced the old rusted façade that been an eyesore on Lothal's countryside for years. The central lift had been repaired, the power conduits replaced, the antiquated communications gear in the upper levels had been uprooted and sold for scrap. The only major tasks that remained were refitting the now cavernous and empty upper levels into something resembling a living space. Sabine would be needed to supervise that, as she fully planned on adding her own personal touches to the work.
Sabine opened her bloodshot and tear encrusted eyes, ready to begin the new day in the same manner she had every day for the past few weeks, but the low growl of a familiar spacecraft sent her bolting upright in her small sleeping pad.
"Hera!" Sabine said aloud, jumping out of bed and groaning as her sore muscles protested the sudden activity.
Sabine fumbled for a few minutes adjusting her armor and body suit, taking a quick glance in the refresher mirror before running to the lift tube. She noted that her hair seemed to be getting a little longer than she preferred, but there wasn't time to deal with that right now.
Sabine rushed out of the doors at the bottom level the moment they opened, sprinting across the old highway that led to the former LothalNet Communications Tower E-272 and toward the two ships that were even now landing in the grass just beyond the pavement. Seeing the second ship reminded her of what Hera had told her the previous week, a memory her work had put out of her mind until now. Alongside the familiar VCX freighter stood the sleek menacing shape of a black and red Kom'rk fighter; Ezra's personal ship, and for the time being, hers as well.
A pang of regret struck her briefly as she remembered that she had never been told the whole story about how he came to be in possession of Maul's ship. Maybe someday soon he would be able to tell her what had happened, and how that bastard Maul had met his well-deserved end. But for the time being, there was still more to do so she put the thought and accompanying feelings out of her mind. He was counting on her and there wasn't much time left.
Sabine jogged to the lowering entry ramp of the Ghost, expecting to see Hera striding down towards her, but was instead greeted by the low beeps and chirps of a particularly ornery astromech.
"Chopper! Be nice!" a stern voice sounded from behind Sabine, and the direction of the Gauntlet. Sabine turned and found Hera approaching, a wide smile on her face.
Sabine was on her in an instant, wrapping her arms around Hera's waist in a crushing hug.
"Whoa, easy there" Hera said laughing and stepping away holding her stomach.
"Sorry! Are you ok?" Sabine exclaimed, suddenly looking concerned and apologetic.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just been having some stomach aches lately, probably something I ate. I think something in the food on Yavin must be getting to me." Hera replied
"Well I do have plenty of those ration packs you love so much, and I can make you some tea of you'd like" Sabine told her with a smile
"That would be lovely" Hera agreed, then turned to address her mechanical companion, "Chopper, mind the ships, and run a diagnostic on the reentry thrusters. You looked a little choppy coming down"
"Ha Chopper was choppy" Sabine said with a chuckle "How was your flight?"
"Your people make a hell of a fine ship Sabine. It was a pleasure to finally get to take it for a spin" Hera replied as they began walking towards the tower.
"We make good everything" Sabine told her with a wink. "Where is everyone else? You didn't let Chop fly the Ghost by himself, did you?"
"I'm sorry Sabine" Hera said with less joviality, "This was the only time I could get away, and Zeb and Kallus are out on another supply run. It was supposed to be the three of us, but being a general does have its perks. And I just had to see you, it feels like it's been so long already"
"You're telling me" Sabine said sighing. "Still, if I had to pick anyone to come, it would be you. How about I give you the grand tour and then see about that tea?"
"Lead the way"
"Sabine this is…amazing" Hera said, stepping back out onto the observation deck after Sabine's brief tour of her remodeling project.
"Thanks…I didn't really know what else…to…you know…" Sabine mumbled, joining the older woman as they looked out over the setting sun on the plains.
Hera turned to look over the young girl, a girl no longer in truth. She was glad they could finally have a moment like this to just talk, apart from everyone and everything else. Things had changed so much and so rapidly since those days of running smuggling jobs for Vizago that she barely had any time to really think about how her own family, which she would always consider Sabine to be a part of, was doing. Hera considered that they hadn't really had a time for such things since before she had left for Krownest. Atollon had fallen not too long after, then they had been off to Mandalore, the communications dish, been conscripted by Saw, and then the events that led up to Kanan and Ezra's untimely departures. Hera had tried taking time to herself on occasion to reflect and grieve in her own way, but the business of the Rebellion was never finished, and she found throwing herself back into her work to be a welcome distraction. It occurred to her that maybe Sabine was doing the same thing.
Hera put her hand on Sabine's shoulder affectionately and told her "He's going to love it. And I know he'll be proud of you. He always is"
Sabine glanced over at Hera, noting that unlike her brother, Hera was still using present tense as well. Ezra is proud of her. Not was.
"Thank you. I just..don't even.." Sabine started to say, her own stubborn nature and reluctance to allow her emotions to show fighting against the unbearable stress and pain she knew was just under the surface.
"Sabine, it's just me here. You can say it. I know how strong you are. Sometimes it's ok to just…talk" Hera said, pulling Sabine into a hug.
A million thoughts of what she could, or should, say flooded through her mind in an instant, but Sabine plucked one out among the torrent, one that had been gnawing on her for far longer than it should have been allowed to.
"Hera. I need to tell you…I'm sorry about what happened to Kanan…I know that you and him..were…I'm just.."
Hera simply stood there holding Sabine for a long time. She honestly never once even considered holding anything against Sabine about what had happened to Kanan, or after. With all that had happened, there just hadn't been the occasion for Sabine to show her any support. And Hera knew better than anyone that it was Kanan's choice to go out on his own terms.
After a long time Hera finally whispered to her "Kanan Jarrus was the best man I've ever met. I wish he could be here with us too Sabine, but I know in my heart that the decision was his. And we're all alive now because he was strong enough to make that choice, even when we couldn't. All I can do now is try to remember the good times, and live my life the best way I can to honor what he gave us. I will always love him. And I know he wouldn't want to see me living a life of regret because of it."
Sabine nodded her head, still clinging to Hera like she was still a child. Hera had known exactly what to say, as always.
After a long while of holding each other in the sunset, the two women finally broke their embrace, and if either noted the tears in the other's face, neither mentioned it. Sabine could tell that it was finally time for her to ask the question that had been burning in her heart since the moment she heard the ships approaching.
"Have you heard anything? About…" Sabine asked quietly, already knowing the answer. If Hera had news, it would have been the first thing she said when she arrived.
"I'm sorry, not yet" Hera told her apologetically. "But that doesn't mean anything. We still have people out there looking for any signs of him. I asked Mon Mothma and Senator Organa to use whatever resources they could to find any trace. They wouldn't tell me exactly what they were doing, but I've been assured that it's not nothing."
"And you trust her?" Sabine asked, referring to Senator Mothma.
"No, not entirely to be honest. But I do trust Bail. And he promised me that something is being done. He's never let us down before. And Admiral Raddus said he would use his fleet to conduct training maneuvers in the sectors along the path Ezra might have taken. I'll be the first to know if they find anything, and you'll be right behind me"
"You're damn right I will" Sabine said firmly, wiping her eyes. "If I have to go out there and drag his ass home, I swear…"
That caused Hera to chuckle, brightening the otherwise somber moment. She could only imagine the earful Ezra would be getting the moment Sabine laid eyes on him again. It reminded her of more than a few times Kanan had caught some equally well-deserved flak from her. 'Remember the good times' Hera told herself. It had become a oft-cited mantra for her.
"So, do you have any plans in the mean time?" Hera asked her, delicately changing the subject slightly.
Sabine stood up and sighed, then began pacing about the observation deck.
"Some. You've seen most of it already. Getting this place ready for Ezra's homecoming has been my main focus. I think it's just about ready. He could be back any time really. I wanted to have this done for him when he gets here."
"He could" Hera agreed, though she thought Sabine was being a tad bit optimistic. Still, it hadn't really been that long, and that boy had pulled himself out of more than a few tough situations before. It didn't occur to Hera that she might be going through a bit of denial about it as well, having just recently lost both her the man she thought of as her husband and another whom she considered to be her son. It had just been too much for her, as it had been for Sabine. Hera chose to focus on Sabine rather than allow herself to dwell on her own feelings.
"What about when you're finished?" Hera continued
"Well, I thought a lot about what Ezra said to me. And I think I might know what he meant. I've been speaking to Ryder and my brother, and I think I'm going to help with Lothal's defense. Ryder is setting me up to help train some of the security volunteers, and my brother gave me some gear from my family's armory. With that and what the Empire left behind, I think we stand a decent shot at being able to hold back a counter offensive. At least long enough to get some help" Sabine finished, looking at Hera for the last part.
"If the Rebellion doesn't want to help again, you know we'll be back, just like before." Hera assure her.
"I was wondering about that actually. Why they haven't come back yet." Sabine said, the implied question obvious.
Hera sighed. "Honestly, we just don't know. This whole thing was as much of a shock to Alliance leadership as it must have been to the Empire. An entire Imperial fleet just…gone. Raddus has a few patrols in the outlying systems, and so far, they've been able to pick off the few Imperial recon teams that have been sent to find out what happened. We're hoping that they decide Lothal just isn't worth the risk right now."
"That won't stop him for long. The Emperor wanted something here. And we took it from him. I don't think he's going to forget that" Sabine replied.
"You're probably right. Mon Mothma thinks the Senate might be able to…" Hera started
"He is the Senate" Sabine said, interrupting. "If he decides to come back, we need to be able to stop him."
"Well Ezra picked the right person for the job." Hera reassured her.
"No, the right person for the job is out there somewhere" Sabine huffed, gesturing up at the stars. "I'm just keeping the seat warm for him".
The two women walked amicably back towards the Ghost, neither wanting the visit to end but both knowing that it would have to soon. They had spent the rest of the evening catching up on Rebellion business, telling stories, drinking tea and munching on cookie packs from the survival rations Sabine had amassed from her brother. She begrudgingly admitted that she had acquired a taste for the freeze-dried snacks after spending so long on the Ghost. Some of Hera's peculiarities seemed to have rubbed off on her.
"Do you know what's next? For the Rebellion?" Sabine asked as they approached the ramp of the Ghost.
"Not really. Mon Mothma hasn't been very pleased with me since we got back. Not after all that happened. I think she's keeping me out of the loop for a while" Hera told her
"She never was very good at seeing who her best people were" Sabine said confidently. "If she has a problem with your leadership, she can come here and tell me about it. I'm sure we'll be able to work it out somehow"
"I'll keep that in mind" Hera laughed
"Hera…thank you. For all of this. I don't know where I'd be if…" Sabine started to say, but found herself being given another hug, just as she had when Hera arrived.
"Anything Sabine. Anything anytime. You send the word, I'll be here." Hera said, giving her a firm hug, though standing a bit away from her.
"That reminds me. Wait here" Hera told her, stepping up the ramp into the cargo bay and retrieving a small duffle bag.
"What's that?" Sabine asked, suspecting she already knew the answer.
"This is what's left of Ezra's stuff that he left on the Ghost before…Well I just figured he'd want you to have it" Hera said softly.
"You're moving his stuff out of his room already?" Sabine said, a mix of shock and pain in her voice, as if the reality of the situation was just beginning to hit her.
"Ezra will always have a place on my ship whenever he wants it, but when he comes back, something tells me you'll be the first person he sees. I think he would want you taking care of his things while he's gone. He did give you his lightsaber…Kanan told me a bit about what that means once" Hera replied soothingly
"I'll keep it for when he gets back" Sabine said, not a trace of uncertainty in her voice.
"I know you will. Take care of yourself Sabine. He's counting on you to do that too"
For the second time Sabine watched the Ghost lift away, uncertain of when she would see it again. Even when she stayed behind on Krownest she had always known she would be back before long, fighting alongside Ezra and the rest of her other family. But just as the first time she had been left on Lothal, seeing the drive plumes disappear into the night sky filled her with a crushing sense of loneliness. The soft night wind blew around her and she shivered from the chill. Yes, the chill, certainly not any reaction to the utter silence that filled the vast landscape around her.
Sabine took one long look at the bag in her hands and felt a sting of shame. She wasn't sure what sorts of things Ezra might have left on the Ghost, but it really wasn't any of her business. Sure, she was staying on his planet in his old house, but that was only out of obligation and a desire to do something for him. Rooting around through his private possessions was another matter entirely.
Sabine carried the bag over to the Gauntlet and ascended the ramp into the cockpit. She decided this was a better place than inside the tower for now. With the work crews and construction still ongoing, the last thing she need was for his last few personal items to get something spilled on them or go missing. She could bring them back in when all that was done, but for all she knew, he'd be back before then anyways. Made more sense to keep them here in his ship where it was private. She was sure leaving his stuff in his ship was entirely rational and had nothing to do with not wanting to be reminded of him even more than she already was at the moment.
The deed done, she sealed the ship and ran inside. The wind was really biting now, and she regretted not asking her brother to bring some of her cold weather clothing from Krownest. In all the time she had spent on this planet over the years, somehow, they had never visited during winter. From the chill air, this one was shaking up to be a doozy. No matter, she was Clan Wren. A little snow could never hurt her, much less a cool autumn evening.
But that didn't mean she had to like it. 10 minutes later she was laying on the couch, steaming mug of caf in hand (with maybe a little something extra added for kick), a data pad of star charts, and many hours to go before she could let herself sleep.
Several more hectic days passed, allowing Sabine to keep her mind occupied and on the near future. She knew in the back of her head that once things settled down, she would need to begin laying the groundwork for what could be another desperate last stand for the planet, but with a bit of luck, that would not be a problem she would have to face on her own. So she busied herself as best as she could amidst the bustle; organizing the gear her brother had left, arranging the new furniture around what was quickly becoming a rather cozy penthouse apartment. But as the work wound down and the last touches on the tower remodeling job, at least the parts she couldn't do herself, were finished, she found herself with something she had not had to deal with for what seemed like years: free time.
Sabine woke at her customary time of just before sunrise, something she had long since become accustomed to. Even while living in the depths of space aboard a tiny freighter, she had a habit of waking before anyone else in order to accomplish much of her daily routine free from the prying eyes and attention of the crew. She appreciated them all in their own ways of course and had grown to appreciate one in particular far more than she had ever anticipated, but she still preferred mornings to herself. The chance to wake up, made easier by being the only one of the "kids" to have her own room, work out on her own, take a shower, and prepare her own breakfast while starting her day was a much-needed touchstone for her.
So her days on Lothal took much the same pace and tenor. She was asleep just after sunset, and out doing wind sprints on the abandoned highway in front of Ezra's tower as the sun peaked over the horizon. This morning however was just a little different. While stretching in the crisp morning air, she noticed two pairs of large round eyes, concealed in the tall grass, and watching her intently.
'Great. Fuzz demons.' She though to herself with. Those annoying and overly energetic creatures more popularly called Loth-cats. They would always be fuzz demons to her. Ever since Ezra had befriended a group of them while on a mission and she found them pawing all over her body and face while they laid in the grass, she had a mild distaste bordering on murderous hatred for the animals.
'Ezra…' the thought of that day made her think as she completed her stretches. Quickly putting it out of her mind, she began with leisurely jog to warm up her muscles, but soon found the little felines prancing with her along the roadside.
'It's like Ezra put them up to it or something' she thought, recalling his uncanny connection to the fauna of his home planet, and how on more than one occasion he had seemed to be able to direct their actions, almost as if he could speak with them in Basic.
She continued to run faster, and they kept pace. No matter how fast she went, the cats appeared to have no trouble following, often jumping and tumbling around with each other in the process.
'I must be the most interesting thing they've seen in a while'
An hour passed as she moved on from sprints, to pushups, to lunges, and more. And with every change, the Loth-cats were a constant presence. Sabine finally ended her morning routine by collapsing against the side of the tower, taking a much-needed breather. And there they were again, a mere ten meters away, creeping out of the grass towards her, their perky ears and keen eyes twitching at every sound and movement.
"Go away!" Sabine shouted at them, but to no avail. They continued to move in on her, almost as if she were their prey.
Sabine leapt to her feet and charged at them, causing them to scamper back into the tall grass in a flash, disappearing from sight.
"That's what I thought" Sabine said aloud with a smug grin. Turning on her heels she walked back towards the lift to resume the rest of her day. She didn't notice the eyes were still watching her with interest.
Hera stood at the top of the ramp for several moments.
Almost an hour, actually; not until the cold evening wind swept up the ramp and made her shiver did she force her feet forward. She walked off the ship and inhaled Lothal. The air had cleared now that the Empire was no longer leeching the planet's resources and polluting the landscape, but Hera could smell the stench of fuel and fire as distinctly as if she was standing on top of the fuel pod again, like when—
She had to stand still for a second, waiting for sudden nausea to pass, and she gasped softly as she felt the fluttering low in her abdomen. She wasn't used to the sensation yet and it still overwhelmed her, reminded her of everything she'd lost, and everything she stood to gain if this war could be won—if, in the next few hours, the Alliance wasn't turned to dust by that monstrosity—
A few ships and officers had been preliminarily evacuated from Yavin, the Ghost and Hera among them. Her flying in the conflict over Scarif had scared Mon Mothma almost as much as it scared Hera herself, and the Twi'lek general agreed—without any reluctance—to depart Yavin early for the sake of her child.
She told herself that she'd be re-joining the Rebels soon. That the Empire's weapon wouldn't wipe them all out before then. She couldn't dwell on it. Horrid darkness squeezed her heart when she did. She was here to see Sabine. She focused on that instead and pulled her coat tightly around her as she walked through the whirling snow toward the tower.
The Mandalorian was waiting, ready to pounce, as soon as Hera stepped off the lift. "I almost didn't believe it when Chop commed and said you were on a landing approach! Let's go inside—it's freezing."
Hera followed Sabine into the tower and shivered one last time as the door closed behind them. She looked at the space. It wasn't as sparsely furnished as before, looking more lived-in. Hera saw gear strewn in various places, but art and paint were conspicuously absent. "You look like you're settling in well," she said brightly.
Sabine shrugged. "It still needs some work, but anything's better than how Ezra left it." If her smile faltered when she said Ezra's name, Hera chose not to notice. "What's up?" Sabine turned serious. "You're the last person I expected to see out here."
Hera nodded slowly. She walked over to the sofa, leaning on the back. She looked Sabine in the eyes. "The Empire has a weapon of mass destruction."
"That's—nothing new," she answered uncertainly. Hera felt dizzy again—how could she explain an evil of this magnitude? She felt herself turning pale. She blew out a slow breath, wrapping her arms around middle protectively. "Hera?" Sabine asked sharply. "What is it?"
"It's—they destroyed Jedha City. Their installation at Scarif—gone. And Alderaan. There's nothing left." She shook her head. "They call it the Death Star. There was—a team stole the schematics and took them to Yavin to try to analyze—but…" She closed her eyes. "Mon Mothma sent me out with the first wave of evacuees."
"W—why?" Sabine was dumbfounded, processing the enormity of what Hera just told her. "You didn't tell her she could kriff off? That's not like you."
Hera looked at Sabine. "It's not just me anymore," she said quietly. She unzipped her coat and shrugged out of it, laying it over the back of the sofa. She smoothed her hands over her abdomen and Sabine's eyes followed the new curve, the space where her body was protecting new life. "I'm pregnant."
Sabine's jaw fell slack. "Are—are you okay?"
Hera didn't know whether she was asking about her physical state or her emotional one. "We're healthy. I'm tired," she conceded, "but we're doing well."
"Hera, that's…incredible." Sabine's voice was awed, but a smile lit her eyes. "After everything you went through—"
"That's why I'm not taking any chances," she interrupted, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence. She couldn't think about the X-Wing crash, the shock torture, the drugging. Not anymore. Not again. "I'll re-join the Alliance if and when it's safe for us to do so."
"And…what are those odds?"
Hera shook her head and shrugged. "I have Chop monitoring transmissions on both sides. We'll know soon enough. But I don't want to talk about it anymore. How are things here on Lothal?"
Sabine seemed hesitant to change the subject, but she answered. "The people here are tough. The destruction in Capital City's been almost completely restored. The mines are set to re-open in the next few months. People walk around the markets with their eyes forward. Everyone is still on guard, but…things are better."
That news was a balm to Hera's soul. "Ezra would be proud."
Sabine smiled, but it was stiff. "I hope so. Come on—give me your bag. I'll get you settled in Ezra's room. You'll like this: there's an actual bed this time."
"But what about you? I can just take the-" Hera started
"Don't worry about me. I'll manage. You need it way more than I do" Sabine told her, a bit of her own command voice bleeding through.
Sabine led Hera to the room and Hera unpacked her few things, showered, and changed into something more comfortable. She couldn't help but notice that the room was immaculate, every surface free of even a speck of dust. The bed looked like it hadn't been slept in in ages, maybe ever. 'Interesting' Hera thought, but quickly put it out of her mind. There were far more important things going on at the moment.
Soon she and Sabine sat down to a simple dinner. They didn't eat much; Chop started streaming transmissions from Yavin and they listened anxiously. Hera felt sick, knowing that the next hour would determine what kind of future her child would have. If the Alliance failed in its assault on this weapon, then Hera certainly expected to have a bounty placed on her head and the full force of ISB pursuing her and the Ghost. And if the Empire found out she was carrying the child of a Jedi…
She couldn't breathe.
Sabine held her hand tightly as the members of Rogue Squadron were picked off one by one in the Death Star's trenches. The weapon was within minutes of being able to destroy Yavin now. Hera pressed her palm over her navel where the baby was stirring wildly, as if aware of what was going on. 'We'll be okay, we'll be okay, we'll be okay', she told her little one.
An unfamiliar voice sounded over the com channel: "You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!"
Hera looked up sharply, a sob catching in her throat while Sabine whooped in triumph. They looked at each other, laughing and crying and talking about what this would mean for the Alliance. It was the group's first real blow to the Empire; one that would take a while to recover from.
At some point, their overjoyed and heartbroken tears lapsed into a deep and thoughtful silence. She felt her cheeks tingling the way they did when she was exhausted or overwrought. "I need to go to bed," she murmured distantly. But she didn't move. She glanced at Sabine. "I—I don't think I've slept since we found out about that thing—what it was, what it did to Alderaan. I wasn't—scared to have this baby until then. I—" She pressed a hand over her eyes. "I know it's not over, but I don't feel—hopeless anymore."
Sabine just blinked. "What—what are you going to do now?"
Hera hummed, resting her hands on the fullness of her abdomen. It wasn't something she allowed herself to do when she was in command on base, but now, when she was free to just be Hera, she craved that touch to her belly. She needed to feel the life and the promise that Kanan had left her with.
"Hera?" Sabine's voice and her eyes held concern.
She shook herself back to the question. "I'm—I'm going to raise our baby. Love him enough for both Kanan and me."
"Him?"
She flushed. "It's just a feeling."
"Well," Sabine said, blinking rapidly, "I'm here for you—both of you—whatever you need. Just say the word." Hera suddenly found herself crushed by a fierce and impulsive hug and then Sabine was walking away, swiping at her eyes. "Night, Hera."
"Good night, Sabine." As she watched the Mandalorian go, worry stirred; so did the baby. "Shh, love," she murmured, looking toward Sabine's bedroom. "We'll keep an eye on her."
On her way back from the 'fresher, Hera heard a crash in the kitchen, followed by a string of pained curses. She hurried toward the sound, turning on lights as she went. She squinted, eyes adjusting. "Sabine?"
"Go back to bed," she answered flatly. "I just had a stupid accident, that's all."
Hera looked at the scene: shattered pieces of a ceramic mug lay on the floor and countertop, a puddle of fresh, steaming caf likewise. Sabine cradled her right hand, the palm scalded and bleeding. Hera walked over to the sink and turned on the tap. She fixed Sabine with an uncompromising look and pointed to the stream of water. "Now."
Sabine reluctantly shuffled to the sink and stuck her hand under the cold water, hissing through her teeth. After several moments, Hera turned the water off and carefully wrapped Sabine's hand in a dish towel. "I'll have Chopper go get my first aid kit from the Ghost so we can treat that properly."
"Thanks," Sabine said almost inaudibly.
Hera gave a short sigh, looking around the kitchen. She guessed it had to be around zero four hundred, but here was Sabine wide awake and consuming caffeine. Why—
Oh.
On the corner of the table sat a holo-projector, star maps and hyperspace routes smattered against the opposite wall.
"What are you doing?" Hera asked, though she knew the answer.
Sabine's cheeks tinged pink and she shifted. "I was just—based on the heading we saw the Purrgil jump to—"
Hera crossed the room to get a closer look at the maps and her lips compressed in a thin line. What Sabine was trying to do—it was an overwhelming, all-consuming task. "Have you…been able to narrow it down?"
"Well," came the too-light reply, "I think we can probably eliminate anywhere in the core."
Hera looked at her sharply. "How often do you…" She let the question die on her tongue, not really wanting to hear the answer.
"Whenever," Sabine mumbled.
Hera took a deep breath, trying to keep calm; this was worse than she thought. Sabine fronted well, and maybe if Hera hadn't come back to Lothal this time, she'd never have noticed the tiny fractures in the Mandalorian's façade. Thank the Force she had.
"Do you have any ideas?" Sabine asked, suddenly hopeful, standing in the holo-projector's glow. Constellations and shadows fell across her face, highlighting her exhaustion. Hera shook her head.
"Sabine. Do you—" She stopped, and straightened, affecting her General Syndulla posture without even realizing it. "It's been months," she said gently.
Sabine's eyes flashed, immediately defensive. "I know that," she snapped. "He's still out there. He's out there. I can find him—I just need time." The young woman's fingers worked anxiously at her lips and Hera steeled herself for what she had to say next.
"Maybe you should consider easing back—for a while," she said carefully. Her eyes narrowed and she waited for Sabine's reaction.
It was too even. "What?"
"You're going to break yourself doing this, Sabine. You need to stop." Her voice was soft and imploring and that was probably the only thing that kept Sabine's temper in check.
Silence hung between them for the space of several breaths and there was something utterly devastating in Sabine's eyes. "Do you hear yourself?" She asked finally. "I—expected that from my brother, but not from you."
Hera put a hand on her hip, digging her fingers into her skin. "Sabine—"
"Look me in the eye," she ground out, "and tell me, Hera, that if there had been anything uncertain, anything ambiguous at all about what happened to Kanan, that you wouldn't pull down entire star clusters to find out what happened to him. Go ahead and tell me that."
Her words were halting, harsh, uneven.
They stung.
In the first blinding second of anger and hurt, Hera wanted to open her mouth and fight fire with fire. It was a battle she probably could have won.
But she heard Kanan's voice in her mind, as clearly as if he was standing in the room with her: Hera, he warned gently, She's hurting. If you speak in anger, you'll lose her, too. Is that really what you want?
It wasn't.
She sighed, bowed her head, counted to ten as she smoothed her hands over where she'd felt the baby moving just moments ago. "You know that I can't," she answered finally. Sabine was visibly taken aback by the calm response and Hera didn't miss how tears suddenly shone in her eyes. "And if that was the case, and if not for this child, I would have killed myself doing exactly what you're doing."
'Maybe it was a mercy I watched him die', Hera thought bleakly.
"I'll—be okay." Sabine wrapped her arms around her waist. "I just need to do something."
As if helping Lothal heal and rebuild wasn't enough. But Hera let it drop. She swayed on her feet before walking over to Sabine and hugging her close. "I know."
Hera soon felt Sabine begin to sag in her arms, and returning the favor from before, led her over to the couch. Sabine was barely conscious already, only giving the most cursory protest while Hera laid her down, tucking the nearby blanket around her. It occurred to her that she had been acting as mother for the girl, and her wayward son, for years now, and the thought made her smile. This was something she was good at. No matter what else happened, she knew she had it in her to be a good mother.
Hera quietly tiptoed back to the bedroom, casting one last concerned look towards the young woman on the couch. It broke her heart to see Sabine putting herself through all this. But one fact continued to ring in the back of her mind: Sabine was right. If she were in her place and it had been Kanan, she would be doing the exact same thing.
The next morning, Sabine was awakened by something that she had not heard in a very long time. Another person.
The scent of waffles and hot caf began to tease her back into consciousness and soon her mind was beginning to put the pieces together.
"Ezra!" Sabine shouted, leaping off the couch and looking towards the kitchen. 'He's home!' part of her mind was telling her while the rest of it was remembering the previous night. He couldn't be home. Hera would have woken her. He would have woken her.
Her quick steps faltered to a slow trudge as she made it around the corner to face the kitchen, her smile just beginning to fade.
"What was that dear?" Hera said distractedly, hunched over the stove and removing some freshly cooked waffles from the griddle. She turned and saw Sabine, her hair a tangled mess and a look one part confusion and one part like someone had just killed her pet.
"Sabine? What's wrong?" Hera said, quickly shutting the stove off and rushing to meet the girl at the doorway.
"It's nothing…I just thought that…Are you cooking?" Sabine said, plastering a half-hearted smile on her face and hoping Hera wouldn't press any further.
"I am." Hera said, chuckling. "Surprised?"
"No, just…do you really think you should be up and…you know…with…?" Sabine said, gesturing at Hera's abdomen.
"Sabine. I'm pregnant, not made of glass. We'll both be fine." Hera told her, taking her arm and leading her towards the dining room table.
Soon the two were sharing another meal, and one with a lot more cheer than the previous night. Both were ravenous having not eaten much in so long.
"Oh, I heard from Alliance Command while you were sleeping. There's going to be a victory celebration and some kind of awards ceremony today." Hera told her between mouthfuls
"Those are always fun" Sabine said, taking a sip of caf.
"Oh yes, a blast…" Hera said, hesitant to bring up the next part.
"My presence has been formally requested" she continued.
Sabine looked up, crestfallen that Hera's visit would have to be cut short so soon.
"But you just got here…" Sabine said, almost sounding like she was whining before catching herself.
"I know…that's not all though. They've asked you to come as well" Hera said finally, gauging Sabine's reaction.
"I see" Sabine said gingerly
Hera knew the next few moments would tell her much, and she had to play this carefully. Sabine might never admit it, but part of her very nearly was made of glass right now, and Hera stood a very real risk of breaking her if she said the wrong thing.
"Everyone is going to be there. Zeb, Kallus, even that Princess we met a few years back. I didn't hear the details but I gather she was involved in the whole business. I'm sure everyone would love to see you again" Hera told her casually, waiting to see if Sabine would react the way she feared.
"I…ummm….I forgot something." Sabine said, quickly rising to her feet and rushing into the refresher.
Hera was at yet another crossroads, and over the same issue as last night. It had been nearly six months since Sabine and exiled herself to Lothal, severing both her connection to her biological family and the Rebellion in favor of remaining here, alone. Hera knew exactly the sort of emotions that would prompt a young woman to go to such lengths, and she knew that if Sabine was put in a position to choose between what she thought Ezra wanted, and anyone else, anyone else would find themselves on the losing side.
She also knew that Sabine was in no condition to even begin processing what she must be feeling let alone accept or admit it. She just needed more time. Hera had her work to fall back on when she was feeling purposeless. She knew it wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with grief. She knew she would pay for it with a few premature wrinkles or a losing a few extra blotches on her lekku, but she knew it still did the trick. Keep fighting. Keeping working towards the ultimate goal of a galaxy free from Imperial rule. It was the mission that had driven her most of her life, and with a new child on the way, the results of that fight had become a lot more personal.
Sabine in her own way was fighting the same fight, and for similar reasons. And using the same defense mechanisms to keep herself sane. She might not be fighting for the liberation of the galaxy, choosing one world among many to stake her life on, but the reasons for that choice were just as personal. Hera would not, could not, make her choose.
Sabine was pouring herself into this singular goal; Lothal had been saved. Now it needed to stay that way. For Ezra. And as the Rebellion had long since become a comfortable and familiar crutch for Hera, this world had become Sabine's.
"Sabine" Hera said, knocking lightly on the refresher door. She couldn't tell for sure, but she thought she could hear light sobbing coming from the other side of the barrier.
"I'll be out in a minute…I just…" a harried voice came from the other side.
Hera knew. Sabine would not be coming with her to Yavin. And Hera could not bring herself to push the issue any more. She would stay in touch, offer whatever assistance was needed in any way she could manage, and even a little more than that, but there was nothing she could do to make Sabine move on. She didn't even think she had the right to expect her to try. 'Six months isn't that long…' Hera thought, already convincing herself this was the right choice.
The door opened slowly and Sabine stepped out quietly, her cheeks and eyes both showing faint traces of red.
"I'm sorry…I just…" she started to say, but Hera was already embracing her.
"You have nothing to be sorry for dear" she said quietly in Sabine's ear.
"Sometimes I forget you're not that girl we picked up so long ago. You've grown up. You have your own battles to fight and your own reasons to fight them. You don't have to be sorry or explain anything to me Sabine" Hera told her.
"I have to stay. I have to be here when he gets back. I just can't leave Hera. I just can't" Sabine said, her voice quavering but no longer crying.
"I know you do. I know love." Hera said, still holding her tight.
A/N: If you enjoyed what you just read, please go check out a few other awesome writers here on FFnet, specifically SweetSinger2010, lothcat1138, ddaulton94, and TheYellowLantern. Without their help, this story would never have happened. Seriously. Full disclosure; I was this close to being done with writing and Star Wars Rebels entirely after the finale. But those writers talked me back into it and I could not have written a word of this without their encouragement, help, proofreading, ideas, or support. No joke, this story is as much theirs as it is mine. And lastly, the illustrious SweetSinger2010 gave me the honor of actually guest-writing one of the Hera sections here. I'll let you guess which one (hint, it's the good one).