Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Does anyone else remember playing with Legos when they were growing up? Those colored blocks that you could build just about anything you could think of with-houses, cars, people, phallic images...Okay, maybe only I did that. But the point is, Legos were AWESOME! I mean, they brought so much joy to kids all over America. Until the 90's. You see, in the 90's, Lego was going through some financial trouble and actually considered going bankrupt. They had a few lines, such as Star Wars and a new line called Technic-which was basically a bunch of stylized vehicles-that kept them from going under for a little while, but they weren't the big hits that Lego wanted.
Well, in 2001, they finally found their big hit with Bionicle.
SHOWS CLIPS OF VARIOUS BIONICLE COMMERCIALS WHILE TALKING DURING THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.
I was in college at this point, so I didn't really get into Bionicle. The way I saw it, it was just Lego's version of the Power Rangers if they were robots. But the kids went nuts for them and Lego came out on top, once again proving that they were the best toy makers in the world. (shows "Toy Maker Song" scene from SANTA CLAUSE IS COMING TO TOWN) And much like with Power Rangers, this just proves that I have no fucking idea what the hell I'm talking about. Big surprise there.
The Bionicle line took the world by storm, overshadowing the then-popular Transformers line "Beast Wars". 2002 proved to be an even bigger hit than the previous year, and in the later part of 2003, a feature-length Direct-to-Video film was released, titled Bionicle: Mask of Light-The Movie.
(shows title of the movie)
Much like the commercials for the toys, this movie is a full-CGI adventure, and they got some well-known actors to do the characters-Scott McNeill, Andrew Francis, Trevor Duvall, Lee Tokar, the list goes on. But how is the movie, exactly? Will a non-Bionicle guy like me enjoy it? Let's find out.
(talking over opening scene)
So the movie opens with a narration by some guy who sounds an awful lot like a Liam Neeson impersonator, giving us some insight into this world's mythology. Also, the animation's already looking pretty damn good, considering the time that this movie came out.
TURAGA VAKAMA:
In the time before time, the Great Spirit descended from the heavens, carrying we, the ones called the Matoran, to this paradise.
OK, so...If that happened in the time before time, how do you know about it? I mean, were you there?
TURAGA VAKAMA
The Great Spirit illuminated us with the Three Virtues: Unity, Duty, and Destiny. We embraced these gifts, and in gratitude, we named our island home Mata Nui, after the Great Spirit himself.
Wow. And here I thought Christians were conceited. (boos from the audience) OH, SHUT UP!
TURAGA VAKAMA
But our happiness was not to last, for Mata Nui's brother, the Makuta, was jealous of these honors and betrayed him, casting a spell over Mata Nui, who fell into a deep slumber.
What, did he just hypnotize his brother or something? (dangles a pocket watch in front of the camera) You are getting sleepy. Sleepy. And when you're asleep I will wreck your shit. (shows images from the opening again) Actually, something I never thought about until now; this is some sort of allegory for God and The Devil.
(FLASH OF LIGHT, BENNETT THE SAGE APPEARS, DRESSED AS THE DEVIL)
SAGE
Hello, Critic.
CRITIC
Damn it, Sage. I'm in the middle of a review.
SAGE
But, you invoked the power of Satan, didn't you?
CRITIC
No, you moron, I was making a comparison between Makuta and the Devil. Now get out of my review!
SAGE
Suit yourself. But be warned, Satan never forgets. MUHU HAHAHAHAHA
(FLASH OF LIGHT, SAGE DISAPPEARS)
CRITIC
Well, that was annoying. Where was I?
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
So after that little exposition we meet a Matoran named Jaller, who's looking for his friend Takua, who is...hop-scotching across a river of lava.
(CRITIC LOOKS CONFUSED)
Why?
TAKUA
I just have to check out that totem.
JALLER
You're hopping across lava just to look at a stupid warning totem?
CRITIC
He's got a point. What, do you have some sort of death wish, you stupid twat? I mean, really, just how stupid do you have to be to jump across lava?
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Well, I guess Takua never saw Raiders of the Lost Ark, because as soon as he takes the totem off of its pedistal, the pressure plate lowers, causing an earthquake. Amidst the shaking, Takua drops the totem into the lava, which somehow turns it into a shiny Halloween mask.
JALLER
A Great Kanohi Mask!
CRITIC
Yeah, whatever. As Takua picks it up, a lava wave comes down the cavern, and he tries to-get this-surf across the river of lava!
(THE CRITIC IS RAGING IN CONFUSION)
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT! Lava is molten rock that has a temperature of well over 2000 degrees, meaning that anything that touches it should melt on contact. So how in the name of fuck is a robot supposed to SURF ACROSS FUCKING LAVA? I mean, I know that this is some sort of fantasy world, but DAMN IT, MAKE SOME SENSE!
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Well, Takua is saved in the nick of time by Tahu, the Toa of Fire, who, again, is SURFING ON FUCKING LAVA! No, I'm never gonna let that go. So after that daring rescue, we meet three older robots called the Turaga. Their names are Vakama, Nokama, and Onewa. We also meet two more Toa-Gali, Toa of Water, and Pohatu, Toa of Stone. They're all assembled in a giant arena for a game of kohlii, which is essentially a mix between hockey and soccer, and admittedly, is one of the best scenes in the movie. After Takua nearly takes off Vakama's head when he fails to correctly perform his new special move, the entire stadium sees the Mask of Light, which Nokama translates to predict the coming of a Seventh Toa.
TAHU
But why now? All the Makuta's threats have been defeated?
CRITIC
Such as...?
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Well, we never get an answer; instead, we get to meet our villain, and HOLY SHIT, could it get any darker in this place. Seriously, someone turn on a fucking light or something. Actually, THIS is Makuta, the big bad of the movie. I gotta admit, shrouding his lair in darkness and this green mist gives it a rather eerie feel. As with all good villains, he monologues about his evil deeds. Thank God he's not singing them with that voice.
(SINGS "HELLFIRE" FROM HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME IN MAKUTA'S VOICE)
He takes some worm things off of his legs and puts them into these robotic bodies, then sends them off to do his evil bidding.
MAKUTA
Keep my brother asleep.
CRITIC
Yes, he needs to get at least nine hours a night.
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
So Takua and Jaller head out on their quest to find the Seventh Toa, and that night, the robotic bodies attack the city. We learn that these things are called Rahkshi, and holy shit, do they kick ass! These henchmen actually DO SOMETHING! And they totally mop the floor with the Toa and cause the city to sink into the lava.
(CRITIC HAS A SMUG SMILE ON HIS FACE)
Bet you regret building your city in an active volcano, now, don't you?
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Well, we can't dwell on that too long, because now we got jungle hiijinks with an angry bear thing. Why's it angry? I don't know, I guess it figures it should be angry because it's a bear. But Jaller and Takua are rescued by Lewa, Toa of Air, who I swear has been smoking the wacky tobaccy. He offers Jaller and Takua his assistance, which lasts all of two minutes before he ditches them. Where does he go? Back to the volcano, where Tahu's grieving. Oh, and he got scratched during the fight. I'm sure it's nothing too important. Anyway, back to the plot. Jaller and Takua are now caught in a blizzard. Nice change of scenery from a FUCKING VOLCANO! They bump into some ice sculptures.
JALLER AND TAKUA
Bohrok!
And are met by Kopaka, Toa of Ice. (shows picture of Vanilla Ice) Damn it, get him out of here! Just before they come to a frozen city in the mountains, they're attacked by the Rahkshit who, again, mop the floor with the Toa. But don't worry, he gets better and dunks the Rahkshi into a lake and freezes it over.
(AS THE RAHKSHI FREEZE)
CHRISTOPHER LLOYD
I WAS FROZEN TODAY!
With that out of the way, Kopaka ditches them and they head off into a cave, where Takua-being the idiot that he is-wanders away from Jaller and ends up having a little chit chat with Makuta.
MAKUTA
Shadows are everywhere. And where they are, so am I.
(Critic starts checking under his desk; back to the movie)
So Makuta gives Takua an ultimatum-give him the Mask of Light or he kills Jaller. Not wanting to do either, Takua ditches Jaller-I'm starting to see a pattern here-and makes his way to an underground city, but not before Makuta sends out three more Rahkshi. Oh, and we meet the sixth and final Toa-Onua, Toa of Earth. After Takua explains that he and Jaller split up-you big liar-the three new Rahkshi show up and, again, mop the floor with the Toa.
(CRITIC'S HOLDING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS)
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen, can't even beat the bad guy's mooks.
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Well, Takua finally grows some balls and tries to fight back, only to be told to get the hell outta dodge by Lewa.
LEWA
Quick-speed to Jaller. Warn him.
And Tahu goes to the dark side. I guess he heard they had cookies. Well, Takua escapes, Onua brings the roof down on top of everybody-(WAH-WAH MUSIC, WITH CRITIC SHRUGGING)-and the rest of the Toa escape. Since Onua decided to bury himself and Pohatu under a hundred feet of dirt, Gali, Tahu, Lewa, and Kopaka make their way to the jungle and cure Tahu of the poison in what is admittedly a pretty touching scene. After that, Jaller and Takua meet up again and make their way to the temple in the center of the island.
TAKUA
We've been all over the island just to wind up here?
JALLER
Why not? It's a special place.
TAKUA
Are you sure this thing is working right?
CRITIC
Yes, shake the shiny Halloween Mask and see what-
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE; BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTS OUT OF THE MASK)
CRITIC
JESUS! Okay, friggin' want that Halloween mask.
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Well, the Rahkshi show up, all six of them, but then the Toa arrive and kick some Rahkshi ass. I gotta admit, this action scene is pretty entertaining. It's like the Toa are saying: "Yeah, we've had enough of your shit, motherfuckers. Time to die!"
Well, one of the Rahkshi escapes the ass-kicking and ends up killing Jaller. This prompts Takua to put on the Mask of Light and becomes:
TAKANUVA
I am Takanuva, Toa of Light.
CRITIC
Now wait a second. Takua was really the Seventh Toa, the guy we've been looking for this whole time?
(CLIP FROM DRAGON BALL Z ABRIDGED EPISODE 1)
SHYAMALAN
What a twist.
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
Wanting to avenge Jaller's death, Takanuva heads into Makuta's lair and engages him in an epic battle of good vs. evil, light vs. darkness, Soldier of God vs. the Devil himself-it's just a game of kohlii. A game of kohlii that destroys the whole damn place!
(CRITIC'S EXSTATIC)
I mean, really, I've never seen two guys who take a ball game so seriously they're willing to destroy the whole fucking arena!
(CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE)
To make a long story short, Takanuva knocks Makuta out with the super-awesome-special-move he failed to do properly earlier, Makuta mocks him for a little bit, Takanuva says "fuck this, we're gonna fight like men!" and they take a plunge into a silvery liquid, only to come out looking like they've done the Fusion Dance.
(SOUND BYTE FROM DRAGON BALL Z)
FU-SION, HA!
The new fusion opens the gate to Mata Nui, brings Jaller back to life, and has the gate fall down on top of him. The only thing to make it out is the Mask of Light. The characters partake in some ceremony to wake Mata Nui up and this also manages to bring Takanuva back to life. I guess he was only mostly dead. Turaga Vakama gives one more narration, and that's where the movie ends.
CRITIC
You know what? This movie wasn't that bad. Granted, it was clearly made for the fans and not the general audience, but it's still rather enjoyable to watch. The animation's spectacular, the characters are well developed, the story's pretty straightfoward, and for once, I don't have anything negative to say, except: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SURF ON FUCKING LAVA? IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!
(FLASH OF LIGHT, SAGE THE DEVIL APPEARS AGAIN)
SAGE
Doesn't it, Critic? Doesn't it?
CRITIC
What does that even mean, Sage? Better question; why the hell are you here?
SAGE
Because you're long overdue for your punishment.
CRITIC
Punishment? For what?
SAGE
For that poorly received show Demo Reel.
CRITIC
Oh, come on. Was it so bad that I have to be punished by the Devil himself? Actually, no, you're not the Devil. (picks up his gun) If you were the Devil, this wouldn't hurt you! (fires; the bullet just bounces off of Sage; Critic looks at the gun and slowly puts it down) Okay, I guess, um...I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and runs away)
THE END