A/N: Another Jedi Council House Cup tournament fanfic! Surprise! For this one, I was asked to write an epilogue for the series. This went off in a completely different direction than I hoped, but then again, I have a weird sense of humour, so that was to be expected…

The Epilogue

The sun was bright and warm, its rays playing lightly across their faces as they made their way up towards the long, winding forest path. It had been almost two weeks since their enemy had been dispatched for good. Harry Potter had been so swept up in the whirlwind that was restoring order and peace to the wizarding community that he had scarcely had time to himself. However, he had managed to secure some of that time and now he, Ron and Hermione were off on a mission to bring closure to the past seventeen years of his life.

Several minutes before, they had Apparated together into a quaint community whose name no one could remember. It was made up of small cottages tucked away in the forest; it was beautiful, sleepy place that looked entirely like no one every really thought about it. No wonder it was chosen by the Order as a place to hide Harry's remaining family members; it was the very last place that anyone would ever think of. With magical boundaries around it, this was the spot that the Death Eaters would never come on their search for the Dursleys.

The threat from Voldemort was now over, and Harry had come to personally retrieve his aunt, uncle and cousin. The only problem was that he really wasn't sure what he was about to walk into.

"You know, Harry, you don't have to do this," Ron said for the thirty-sixth time that morning. Harry knew because he had been keeping track – he had thought the very same thing at least a dozen times more than Ron.

Hermione made a shushing noise. "Ron, this is important."

"Important? Hermione, have you even met these people? They board up fireplaces and –"

"That was an electric fire, your dad told me. How many times do I have to explain, Ronald –"

"Eclectic fire, bah! Stands no reason to board up a perfectly good –"

Ron and Hermione continued to bicker all the way down the lane, as was their habit. Harry's habit was to ignore them. He had come to the conclusion that Ron and Hermione loved arguing with each other too much to stop and the reason they had finally started dating was so that they could continue to bicker more conveniently. Harry knew that he would most likely get his head verbally bitten off if he interrupted them, so he was content to walk in silence down the path.

When they rounded a final corner in the lane, they saw the cosy little house that had become the Dursley residence over the past few months. It looked like a fairly comfortable place, even if it was a little dilapidated and tilting to one side. Harry ran up the steps on to the porch and put a hand on the door. Should he knock or just walk in? Whatever his decision, the Dursleys wouldn't be thrilled to see him.

With everything that had happened to him in recent months, Harry had ceased to harbour hard feelings for the family he had lived with for the first ten years of his life. For Aunt Petunia's sake and the memory of his mother, her sister, Harry felt right about being the one to tell the Dursleys that the threat was over. It seemed appropriate that he would be the one to return them to their urban Muggle lives and then distance himself as much as possible. There was no questions that after today, the Dursleys would like nothing better than to forget that the magical world even existed and thankfully, after today, they could afford to do just that –

Harry's hand fell slack against his side. He turned, his expression rather unforgiving.

"You're seriously not going to make me do this," he said. "Come on, the Dursleys? Seriously? That's not the right note to end the best children's fantasy series on!"

I thought it was fitting.

Harry frowned. "Fitting or not, it's a little too circular to end where the series began, don't you think? Do you really want the final scene to be about Uncle Vernon complaining about magic and me and Dudley trying to make up with each other? We had enough of that at the start of the book!"

Okay, okay. Dursleys equal bad subject matter, I get it.

"No very magical," Hermione chimed in. "If you'll pardon the pun."

Pun pardoned.

"Right," Harry said. "Get us out of here. Now. Please."

The cottage, its porch and the quaint forest all disappeared, leaving Harry, Ron and Hermione standing in a blank space. There was a popping sound and Gryffindor-coloured chairs appeared out of nowhere. Harry threw himself down in one, looking very dissatisfied. Ron and Hermione took their seats. Hermione had a pensive look on her face; Ron picked at his fingernails. He apparently wasn't interested in anything else.

This is harder than it looks, guys.

"You are the writer here," Hermione said pointedly. "You need to choose something and stick with it. Just start writing! You've already had ten false starts and it's only eleven o'clock in the morning."

Soon it'll be time for tea.

Hermione sighed and shook her head. "Writers!" she exclaimed. "All you ever do is look for the next time you can take a break. With the amount of complaining you do, you'd wonder why you even write to begin with."

… I'm trying my best…

"Oh, cheer up," Hermione said. "I'm just giving you constructive criticism."

I haven't even posted this yet! Concrit is supposed to come after the writing, not in the middle of it!

"Well, hurry up and write something then," Hermione said flatly. From the frustrated look on her face, one could tell that she wasn't taking any excuses today.

"Just don't make it stupid," Harry said.

"Or cheesy," Ron added.

"Or corny," Harry said.

"And don't kill of anyone else," Hermione said.

"Or have dead people in it," Harry said.

"And don't make us old!" Ron finished. "I hate being old! I'm only eighteen and if someone makes me look like I'm thirty again, well –"

Okay, okay, okay, I get it, you didn't like the original epilogue because it made you "old" –

"Well, yeah," Ron said.

"Other than that," Harry continued, "you can write whatever the hell you want." He and Ron exchanged looks; they seemed very pleased with each other for laying down the rules. "Just make it better than the original."

… okay. You know, that's a very difficult thing to do and all—

"No excuses!" Ron interrupted in a sing-song voice. "Do the Harry Potter series justice!"

Hermione looked pensive. "I thought the original was rather satisfying."

Ron gagged. "Satisfying? Hermione, that thing was so cheesy you could almost eat it!"

"No kidding," Harry said. "Just check out the next generation names! James Sirius? Lily Luna? Albus Severus? Poor kid… I would never name my kid that, not in a million years. It'd embarrass me too much."

"Yeah," Ron said. "I really don't know how Ginny let you get away with that one. I mean, the other two aren't bad, but Albus Severus?" He sniggered. "You came up with that one all on your own, Harry. Ginny has way too much class for it. She'd hit you with the Bat-Bogey Hex before she names anyone in her family Albus Severus."

But it does make sense from a logical character standpoint—

"Oi!" Ron interrupted. "We're the characters here, we know how we think. That name is the most illogical thing to ever happen in the series."

"You can't win this one," Hermione said. "Ron has a good point."

I give up.

"Good," Ron said, grinning. "One point to the Weasley!"

"Actually, subtract the one point," Harry said. "Your son's name is Hugo."

Ron's smirk was wiped off his face. "… Hermione came up with that one," he said quietly.

"But you let her get away with it," Harry pointed out.

"Yeah, well, look here Mr. Albus Severus—"

Hermione held up her hands. "Stop it, you two. The kids aren't even here right now, so why are we arguing about it? Besides, there's nothing wrong with Hugo as a name."

"There are loads of things wrong with having Hugo as a name," Harry said.

Hermione's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Haven't you ever heard of Victor Hugo?" she said stiffly.

Harry sighed. "There you go. That explains it. Muggle writer. Way to go, Ron."

Ron shrugged. "Can't blame me, Hermione picked the names. And if you ask me, anything is better than Albus Severus." He sniggered again. It was as if he was getting a hoot out of saying the name as much as possible.

At least "Al" isn't too bad of a nickname! Reminds me of Alphonse Elric.

"Except my son's not a giant suit of walking armour," Harry said flatly. "And aren't you supposed to be re-writing this instead of arguing?"

Yes, but –

"So, start writing!"

*sigh*

"… did you just… sigh?" Hermione asked. "Asterisks and all?"

"I think she did," Ron said conspiratorially, leaning over in his seat to stage-whisper into Hermione's ear. "Maybe she's finally going crazy! We might get out of having a stupid epilogue after all!"

"Nah," Harry said. "She has to write this one. She'll do it. Some time."

Shut up, Harry! You don't have to sound so insulting, all right?

"What?" He shrugged, dismissing the comment. "It's not my fault you get stuck in these situations –"

It's not my fault you characters don't behave!

"Hey," Ron protested, "that's not my fault! We're just doing what we do bes—"

Blank page.

Harry, Ron and Hermione had abruptly disappeared.

A young black-haired, green eye boy rummaged through the trunks in an attic. He was uncertain of what he was looking for, but the beauty of an attic was that you never knew what you were going to find.

"Al?" A red-haired girl poked her nose around the door. "What are you doing?"

Al yelped in surprise and spun around to face his sister. "Lily! Don't do that –"

Pencil snap. Blank page.

You three, you better give me back my Muse right now, or else—

"Or else what?" Ron said, smirking. "You'll re-write us?"

The golden trio was back in their Gryffindor bedecked chairs, sitting comfortably like judges on a panel at Britain's Got Talent or something similar.

No.

Ron raised an eyebrow.

I'll pair you with Aragog, Harry with Draco and Hermione with the Giant Squid.

Ron blanched. "Point taken."

Thank you.

Hermione sighed. "This isn't going anywhere."

"So much for an epilogue," Harry grumbled. "Maybe we should just let the series end at Hogwarts."

Hogwarts!

The sun broke through the clouds as Harry Potter climbed the grassy slopes of the castle grounds. It had been five years since he had last stepped foot inside he school. But memories never truly faded, and all that had been won and all that had been lost that day in May would never be forgotten—

"Cheese!" Ron shouted as he inspected a fine selection of cheddar and mozzarella that had appeared out of nowhere.

You know, you're making this very difficult, Ronald Weasley.

"No need to be annoyed," Harry said, lounging in his comfy chair. "You're the writer. No one is making you do this."

You stop me each time before I can even get started!

"Mmmm!" Ron was trying to speak through the cheese stuffed in his mouth.

*sigh* Ron, you eat too much. No wonder people are always parodying that side of you… the food-obsessive side…

Hermione glared, but Ron didn't appear to have noticed the comment. He swallowed the rest of his cheese and clapped his hands together.

"I've got it! I know what the Harry Potter series needs. I know what it should have and has never gotten –" He paused for dramatic effect. "A sex scene!"

Hermione went bright pink. She coughed. "Ron, this needs to stay within the children's lit rating."

Ron's expression faded. He returned to his cheese table, grabbed a chunk of cheddar and began gnawing on it.

"Although," Harry said, "that stuff with you and Lavender came pretty close to breaking the rating."

Hermione stifled a giggle. Ron didn't say anything and continued eat his cheese.

There was a long, awkward moment of silence.

Then –

I've got it! How about your parents and Sirius and Lupin looking down on you from the after—

"No," Harry said automatically. "We need to be in it. And didn't I say no dead people?"

A post-battle toast?

"Been there, done that."

A scene with Ginny?

"That leaves Ron and Hermione out of it."

Victory celebration?

"Not in the mood."

Return to Hogwarts five years later?

"Epic fail."

Auroring?

"That's not a word." Harry's eyes narrowed. "You're really stuck for a place and a plot, aren't you?"

Yours and Ginny's wedding?

"Cliché." Harry paused. "And the H/Hr shippers will have a riot."

Hermione made a face at the thought. "Not to mention that if there was one for Harry and Ginny, Ron and I would want one, too," she added.

… two weddings, two epilogues?

"Overkill, mate," Ron said.

How about NO epilogue?

Harry exchanged looks with his friends. "You know," he said slowly, "that scene in Dumbledore's office was pretty spot-on."

"I could live with it," Ron said.

"It felt like a final scene," Hermione added. "I think we could go with it."

"Yeah," Harry said. "But it doesn't end with the word 'scar…'"

"The original epilogue didn't end with scar, either," Ron pointed out. "Not really, anyways. We could always slip in a reference somewhere in that last scene if you really want your scar to be mentioned."

"Nah," Harry said. "It's given me too much trouble over the years; better to forget about it."

"Good choice, mate."

"All in favour of the scene in Dumbledore's office being the last scene?" Hermione said brightly.

She, Ron and Harry all raised their hands.

So, in reality, you don't need me here and all we should do is rip out the last five pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and call it quits?

Harry leaned back in is chair. "That sounds about right," he said, tossing a soft cushion to the side.

Great! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Muse to hunt down and original fiction to write. Go bother someone else next time you want a post-series story written.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Bloody fan fic writers," he muttered. "Always trying to fix what is already perfect… who needs an epilogue anyways?"

Pencil snap. Blank page. End of scene.

fin

A/N: The writer conversing with the Golden Trio is supposed to be me (author insert! Aaaah! Run away!), but it could possibly stand in for anyone. This came about because I was struggling to complete this fic and every idea I had became abandoned because it just sounded stupid. While the Nineteen Years Later epilogue is far from my favourite part of the series, I saw it as a somewhat fitting end to the series and I honestly couldn't think of anything better to replace it with as I would have preferred to see the books end with the Battle of Hogwarts and skip the kid/relationship junk at the end… hence Harry's comment about not needing an epilogue, lol. Thanks for reading!