(punctuation mistakes corrected, 9th March, 2014)

Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter.

Warning! Canon characters will be mercilessly judged and placed in non-canon houses. The Sorting Hat is in a bad mood...

It was the first of September, 1971, and the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, responsible for allocating the first year pupils to their new houses, was in a foul mood. The deputy-headmistress of the school, Professor Minerva McGonagall, had last year promised it a wash and degrease treatment, before the next new intake arrived, but now that new intake were streaming into the great hall of the castle, and it had had no such treatment.

If the hat had had eyes, it would have been glaring at the deputy-headmistress (currently shepherding in the new intake) furiously. However, it had only a mouth, so was reduced to mumbling to Professor Filius Flitwick, the enthusiastic charms professor and head of Ravenclaw house, as he carried the hat and the solid wooden stool which pupils sat upon into position in pride of place in the hall.

"Mmmph, Minerva promised me a wash and degrease last year." The hat grumbled to Filius. "She hasn't done so, the pupils are now arrived, and – hah – she is foresworn. Alright, she didn't promise on her magic or anything like that, but a witch should be as good as her word."

"She's been a bit busy with Voldemort opening up his war." Filius responded as he put the stool down.

"Right, and with a war coming, you would have thought she'd want me in a good mood to sort pupils properly. If this war goes on for any length of time, some of your graduates will be joining one side or the other." the hat grumbled. Filius flicked his wand, giving the hat a quick once-over with a dusting charm, and adjusted its position. "You'll give me a wash and degrease before the end of this month won't you, Filius?"

"Alright. I give you my oath on my position here at Hogwarts." the diminutive man sighed.

"Right. We are iiiiinnnnnn business." the hat mumbled back. "And I'll try to keep the troublemakers out of your house this year, as much as the numbers allow."

Filius Flitwick stepped back, and the Sorting Hat launched into a very pointed song about how the four Hogwarts founders one day were tricked by an old hag selling bars of soap, and how they took their revenge upon her. Despite the hat's lack of regular visual apparatus it was aware of the very sharp glance that Minerva cast in its direction at one point; it continued blithely to the end of the song though, as if the topic were purely a coincidence.

Then the deputy headmistress was reading out the first name from the alphabetical list of new pupils…

A couple of names in, the Sorting Hat landed on the head of 'Avery, Martin'. Ordinarily, with a mind such as his, the hat would have sent him to Slytherin, with little hesitation, but the hat instead lingered, and decided that there was sufficient reckless idiocy in the boy to send him to: "Gryffindor!"

It sorted another pupil, and then found itself on the head of 'Black, Sirius'.

It poked around inside young master Black's head whilst the boy sat there thinking furiously at it: Gryffindor, Gryffindor.

And just tell me, Mr. Black, why should I sort you into Gryffindor? the hat thought back.

Because I'm not like the rest of my bloody family, and I'm going to show them that.

Ah well, Mr. Black. You see what you are expressing could be taken as bravery and determination, or it could be taken to be a level of ambition worthy of Salazar Slytherin himself, determined to go against the whole Black family. Which means, Mr. Black, that paradoxically there can only possibly be one house for you. Find whatever way you like to go against your family, but don't expect me to determine your Hogwarts house on the basis that you don't want to follow the family traditions.

"Slytherin!" the hat dispatched him.

The idiot sat there for a moment, stunned. Then he slowly got up, took the hat off, and headed for the Slytherin benches, to loud cheers and applause from his new housemates and the beams of the proud head of Slytherin, Professor Horace Slughorn.

Given the levels of potential viciousness and low-cunning the hat had detected in young Mr. Black boy, and memories of a recent scene in a railway carriage still fresh in his mind, where he had delighted in tormenting a half-blood, the hat felt entirely justified in not indulging Mr. Black's desire to be a Gryffindor.

"Evans, Lily." the deputy headmistress read out.

The red-headed girl with emerald eyes headed to the stool, sat down, and pulled the hat on.

They chatted mentally for a while, whilst the hat rummaged through her thoughts. She was undoubtedly naturally talented, but a muggleborn, and the hat sensed a latent tendency in her to take things easy and go along with any groups she belonged to – and not to make much effort to protest when such groups might be in the wrong. Ordinarily, the hat would have sent her the way of Gryffindor, despite the current lack of genuine backbone, simply because she was muggleborn and the house her talents and sneakiness would normally be best placed in would give her a hard time. The hat was in mutinous mood today, however.

I know where I'm going to send you, Miss Evans, and all I can say is make sure you sit down straight next to Mr. Black. He's looking for a cause, and you could be one, and he actually has the power to protect you at least whilst you find your feet.

And then the hat dispatched her: "Slytherin!"

The Slytherins looked confused, for the most part, not being familiar with her name. One dark-haired boy over on the benches still waiting to be sorted applauded her enthusiastically though.

At least the girl took the hat's advice and made straight for Sirius Black, who was applauding her belatedly, and where the Black heir led, the rest of Slytherin was, for now, prepared to follow.

The hat felt a slight twinge of guilt over sending Miss Evans to Slytherin, but it was going to be blowed if it would hand Minerva such a talented student this year, and by the time Black's ability to protect her might be waning, the Sorting Hat was confident the head of Slytherin himself, Professor Horace Slughorn, would have noticed her talents, and be prepared to step in.

'Lupin, Remus' was an easy sort for the hat. He was a werewolf with a thirst to learn. Another year the hat might have sent him to Gryffindor, simply for his daring to come to Hogwarts. But he hid what he was, and with a yen like this for learning he'd fit well in Ravenclaw – and besides, the hat felt it owed Filius a student like this. The hat duly dispatched him to Filius' house.

'Mulciber, Justinian', the Sorting Hat decided, was a comrade in arms of Martin Avery. Master Mulciber might be more calculating in his recklessness, but the hat felt that that recklessness' mere presence sufficiently justified that Minerva could have him too, and it duly sent him to Gryffindor. The hat hadn't bothered to examine if Justinian knew Martin; they were pretty much two of a kind, and if they weren't fast friends already, they soon would be.

'Pettigrew, Peter' proved problematic for the hat. Peter Pettigrew had few, if any, discernible qualities. Whilst he had a certain degree of desperate cunning, it was not really adequate for Slytherin, but it was about all he had going for him. Eventually the hat asked him where he wanted to go?

Slytherin or Ravenclaw. Peter thought back, glancing at Sirius Black and Remus Lupin whom he'd met on the train and the hat had already sorted.

Hmmph. The hat sent him to Ravenclaw then. Maybe some sort of unexpected talent could be coaxed out of him by Filius.

'Potter, James' was another tricky sort for the hat. Another time and place and Potter's firm belief that he belonged in Gryffindor would have had the hat sending him there. However…

Hmm. I see a recent memory in your head, Mr. Potter, of an encounter in a train carriage with a dark haired boy. You seemed to quite enjoy insulting him.

So what? He wants to be in Slytherin.

Yes, but that, you see, is hardly behaviour I consider appropriate for one raised in one of the leading families in the wizarding world who happens to also want to be in Gryffindor. Do you really think Godric Gryffindor, when he was founding this school, would have stooped to behaviour like that? He was even prepared to work with Salazar Slytherin, at least until Salazar and the other founders had their big argument. There is one house, however, I feel appropriate to you.

And the hat duly announced him to belong to Hufflepuff.

Potter was another who was stunned by the hat's decision. He sat there, arms folded, arguing with the hat in a futile attempt to get it to change its decision, but the hat refused to budge.

James Potter was loyal to his friends, and that was about all that the hat could say for him. If he had any other qualities, they had yet to emerge, and loyalty meant Hufflepuff.

Eventually, to the laughter of three quarters of the pupils in the hall, the deputy headmistress dragged master Potter to his feet, took the hat off, and gently but firmly pushed him in the direction of the Hufflepuff table.

He headed that way, casting desperate glances back over his shoulder in the direction of Gryffindor.

The hat hoped the egotistical idiot might learn some humility in Hufflepuff.

"Snape, Severus."

The hat found itself on the head of the pupil who had enthusiastically applauded as Lily Evans went into Slytherin. His mind was filled with a desperate, burning desire to be in Slytherin, for the sake of both being in the house and of being with his friend.

Loyalty is a Hufflepuff trait, Mr. Snape, the hat informed him.

What? But this is loyalty specifically to one person. Severus desperately thought back.

And arguing with the hat is arguably a Gryffindor one.

Not if it involves low-cunning.

Ah, but, Mr. Snape, you are employing reasoned arguments, I deem, which would make you a Ravenclaw. And you know, despite the fictions some parties like to maintain that houses should never associate, if you were in Ravenclaw there would be nothing to prevent you from seeing a good deal of Miss Evans in your free time, if you so desired, and a combination of Slytherin and Ravenclaw would not be too frowned upon by your respective housemates.

You don't understand. She's a muggleborn. I encouraged her to be in Slytherin, and I have to be in the same house as her to protect her.

And again, a desire to be protective of another is something which would argue more for Gryffindor than Slytherin.

Not if it's just the one…

My mind is quite made up on this point, Mr. Snape. You can have either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. Your choice.

The answer was what the hat expected, and so it sent Severus Snape to Ravenclaw.

In another universe it might have put him in Slytherin, but in this one the hat considered the lad's genius would best flourish in Ravenclaw – and being surrounded by bright people and outshining them might help some of the self-esteem issues Severus had. And besides, the hat was feeling slightly guilty about sending Peter Pettigrew in Filius' direction, and thought that getting Severus Snape should help to make up for it.

Eventually, the sorting was done, and the hat and the stool were removed, the headmaster stood up and made his usual speech, and the feast commenced. The Sorting Hat dozed back on the mantelpiece, in the headmaster's office, wondering what would come of this year's sortings, and how different the results were from what might have been had it not had that unpleasant experience with the deputy headmistress who was also the head of Gryffindor failing to keep her word…

Author Notes:

Partially inspired by a number of other short pieces of fanfiction by other authors on this site where the Sorting Hat has a brainstorm of some kind and dispatches pupils to non-canon places.

As of the time of writing this, I am unaware of any first names or exact years of attendance having been assigned in canon to messieurs Avery and Mulciber of the Marauders years at Hogwarts. I have taken the liberty of assigning them 'Martin' and 'Justinian' respectively, and putting them in the year which commences attendance in September 1971.