PREFACE
In my imagination, in my Twilight-fanfic world, Bella journals. She's not a popular girl, she's very introverted, doesn't have many (any?) friends, so in my mind it stands to reason that she has a trusted diary that she confides her secrets to.
The time-frame is really before any of the books happen, right when Bella makes her decision to move to Forks. (I don't like to put my fanfiction into the actual timeline of the books, as NOT to mess with the author's vision!)
So here it is:
Dear Diary,
I told Mom yesterday that I wanted to move to Forks and live with Dad for a while. She didn't like it, of course! She's horrified. Why would I go to a place where it rains 95% of the year and to a "city" (that's really not the right word - even "town" doesn't seem to fit) with a population that is smaller than the entire student body of my high school here in Phoenix. Those were her exact words. She can't understand that I would want to move to the very place she escaped from 16 years ago.
She doesn't get that I am doing it for her. That is the point, of course. I don't WANT her to know. She would only feel guilty and that would totally defeat the purpose. Phil, her brand-new husband, is good for her. Although it seems like he isn't much older than me, he is a great guy. And they need time together - without me, without the added pressure of an adolescent teenage daughter. And since he'll be on the road a lot she needs to go with him. She would never go with me staying behind at home. So I had to make it easier for her, make yet another decision for her.
Will it be easy for me? Probably not. Sometimes it really sucks to be more grown-up than your own mother. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be taken care of. But that's not fair - she DOES take care of me - in a different way. It's just that sometimes I think I would like to ... I want to be carefree ... I want somebody there for just ME and I can just count on them to be there. - BUH Humbug!
So anyway.... it'll only be for a couple of years - until I graduate. I can make it until then. Mom's been there for me all my life. It's time for her to enjoy her time with her new husband. Sure, I'll miss Phoenix. I'll miss the sun, the heat, the red mountains, the cacti, the junipers. I'll miss the big city. But I'll manage. It'll be good for Charlie, too. He hasn't had anybody to take care of him and he hasn't seen much of me or spend time with me for the last 17 years. Yup .... it'll be good.
Well ... ok .... this is you, my trusted old Journal I'm talking to. I can't lie to you. After giving it my all to convince Mom, I'm trying to convince myself a little bit. My mind is made up, but I need to stay strong now so my resolve won't falter.
Apparently my subconscious sees it that way, too. I had THE strangest dream last night. Here is what happened: Not long after starting at Forks High I suddenly became one of the popular girls. (ME!?) But at the same time I also became an outcast. (Weird? Definitely!) And I didn't move into Charlie's house, either. Not unless his house is suddenly a very modern, white palace with huge windows. But I didn't really move into the house. No! Charlie sent me out in the backyard - at least I think it was the backyard. It was somewhere close to the water - it almost looked like the ocean, almost like the beach on the reservation where Charlie took me when I was little. Yet it was very deep in the woods as well. In the "backyard" is this tent, only it isn't really a tent you would have for camping. It was more like a Native American tipi! Yes, my "room" was a tipi, complete with the fireplace, earthen pots and a bow and arrow. Where does all this stuff come from and clutter my mind?
But the weirdest thing was when I saw Charlie with a baby. At first I thought it was me when I was little. Like my subconscious was trying to reconnect with my Dad. But all of a sudden I was there as well. And Dad looked at me so lovingly and gave the baby to me! YIKES! I didn't look a whole lot older than right now. Maybe a year or two! And here I was with a baby. How does that happen?
I don't even have a boyfriend. Nobody here in Phoenix is even remotely interested. And it's highly doubtful that will change in Forks. Oh yeah, I'll definitely be the center of attention at the beginning, unfortunately: Girl from the big city moving back home to the small town to live with her dad, the Chief of Police. But that's the extent of it. Most of all, I certainly will not have a baby right out of school! Who even was the father? The dream never revealed that. There were other people in the room with me but I couldn't make out the faces.
That's so besides the point anyway! I definitely don't want to stay in Forks forever. I want to go to College. I don't know where and for what yet. But I do. If I find a "boy", a man or even my soulmate along the way - fine, that's great. I'm not saying I have to be Ms. Career Woman. If I find the right mate I'll be happy to settle down and be Mom and homemaker. Or I could possibly have it all - career and family. But those are a lot of variables that have to fall into place. A lot!
To make a long story short: Where does all this stuff come from? I thought dreams were your subconscious trying to make sense of all the stuff that is going on in your life, to help you work things out. Well - none of that makes sense to me. And it's certainly not anything that is going on in my life right now. Therefore I'm entrusting this to you, my faithful diary! You're not giving me any answers either. But maybe at some point in the future I can say "wait a minute" and come back here and say "ohhhhhhh!". Wouldn't that be cool?