Title: Set The Fire To The Third Bar
Author: Brittany
Status: 1/1
Tagline: "Their words mostly noises, ghosts with just voices. Your words in my memory, are like music to me."
Summary: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to fight it at the end of the day, certain things are just inevitable.
Spoilers: 6X17: "Push"
Rated: PG-13
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Author's Note: A really angsty piece that comes from the conversation in 6X17. So, if you haven't watched it then this is probably not the fic for you. It's dark and twisty, the first real dark and twisty piece that I've done for Callie and Arizona but I have to admit, that even though it's not the ideal ending, it came out pretty good. This song is "Set The Fire To The Third Bar" by Snow Patrol. :)
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but recognizing and appreciating what we do have."
I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places
It's been weeks since you last saw her, since you looked into her unfailingly blue eyes and swore to yourself that you were doing what was best for the both of you. You tried to ignore the tears in her eyes, telling yourself they were simply the product of allergies because if you had to admit that you were the reason those tears were burning in her perfectly blue eyes, you would have fallen apart. You tried to block the sound of her pleading voice calling your name out of your mind because hearing the pain in her voice would have been just enough to break you apart completely. You try to forget how lonely the boxes looked in your apartment after she moved out because secretly, you wanted to unpack them all and ask her to stay.
You try to forget everything that has happened. Her face, her eyes, her smile, her touch, her kisses, her voice, the promises you made to each other. Hoping it would all just become a simple memory in the back of your mind, like a black and white photograph perfectly instilled in time. Because forgetting that you were in love with her in the first place, is a hell of a lot easier than admitting that you still are and always will be. But forgetting Arizona is like trying to remember someone you have never met: impossible.
You haven't taken your necklace off yet and you aren't sure why you haven't. After you found out George was sleeping with Izzie, your wedding ring came off in a matter of seconds. Yet, somehow, this necklace means more to you than the wedding ring ever did. It symbolizes your love for one another and taking it off meant you didn't love her anymore, which was a lie. So, it stays, the heart perfectly placed across your chest and you hope, with all that is left inside of you, that she isn't giving up on you either.
The elevator comes to a stop on the Peds floor and you step out, the familiar bright colors hitting your eyes. You smile when you realize how much you have missed seeing the happy colors, the paintings of sunshine and puppies, because they remind you of her. And for now, memories of her is all that you have to hold onto until the storm passes. Brushing your raven curls away from your face, you take in a deep breath before you finally take another step onto the Peds floor. You count the steps that you make, knowing that each one would bring you closer to Arizona, knowing that each one would bring you closer to her smiling face and perky voice. The two things that ache your bones and steal your heart now.
"Dr. Torres," A friendly voice calls out to you and you turn to find the smiling face of Emily, one of Arizona's favorite nurses. Her emerald eyes are shinning beneath her brunette hair and if you weren't so in love with Arizona, you would find yourself attracted to her. But you love Arizona, even now, and that changes everything about your life.
"Emily. Hey. Haven't seen you in a while," You strike up a friendly conversation, hoping that she will leave you be soon enough and you can find Arizona and at least see for yourself if she is okay. You hear it through the grape vine, most through Bailey, that she is barely handling the situation but have to see her. You can't explain it, you can't form words of the depths that you care for her, but you do. And you have to see her. You just have to.
"I know. It seems that way, doesn't it? I went to Rome with some friends a couple weeks ago and ever since I got back Shepard's been working me some weird hours," She explains and you nod your head with a fake smile, even though you aren't really listening to her. Instead, your eyes are scanning the entire Peds wing, hoping to find the one smiling face that means the world to you.
"You want me to page Dr. Robbins? She's making rounds but I'm sure she'll want to see you," Emily exclaims and you smile at her with a simple shake of your head.
"No, thanks. I'll just wait for her, if that's okay," You reply and she only nods her head. You say nothing else as you walk over and take a seat in the waiting room, watching as the hustle and bustle of the Peds wing is carried on around you. With a sigh, you place your trembling fingers upon the necklace that adorns your neck and you hope that she knows that you still love her with every piece of your fragile heart.
I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science
"Maybe some dogs and chickens. But kids would just be...yikes," She exclaims with a laugh, taking another bite of her Chinese food. Instantly, you drop the beaker in your hand as you turn to face her, your brow drawn together in complete surprise as you try to control the racing heart in your chest. You have always wanted kids, ever since you were in a relationship with George, you've never imagined your future without a little girl and a little boy. You thought Arizona was on the same page, clearly you were wrong.
"You...you don't want kids?" You state. She works in Peds, for God's sake, her entire career is involving children. It was not foolish to think that she, herself, wanted children, especially children with you. But now the thought of not having children with her, not raising a family with her, it shakes you to the core.
"No. I...I really don't," She replies, sitting her take out carton upon the counter as her blue eyes meet with your russet brown. Your breath becomes lost somewhere between your chest and your lungs as suddenly every dream that you have ever had for your future with her crashes around you. A future without Arizona is simply no future at all, you sigh.
"Is it because you're a lesbian? Because Addison is my friend and she is the best in the business. She would making having a baby possible for..." But she interrupts you, which is so un-Arizona of her.
"It's not because I'm gay," She sighs.
"Because you lost your brother?" You intrigue but she only stares at you.
"Because of your parents?" Yet again, nothing.
"Because of work?" The options keep rambling from your lips before she stops you with a sigh as she shifts in her seat, her blue eyes studying your face. You hate this now, the division between the two of you, a division that, no matter how hard you tried to fix, would always be there.
"It's not because I lost Danny, it's not because of my parents and it's not because of work. I just...I don't want kids. What I've seen...what I... I know too much. There's no way that I could ever have a tiny person of my own and be a good parent...I...just...I didn't think this would be a big deal," She exclaims, confusion clearly written upon her flawless face. You can't bring yourself to look at her any longer, so you tear your eyes away from her and instantly find yourself in the absence of her inviting warmth.
"Well, it is. It's a very big deal," You snap.
Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me
You are flipping through a Parenting magazine when Little Grey takes a seat beside of you. You expect her to say something, to ramble off the questions in which, not only she but half the entire hospital staff, are so impatiently waiting the answers for. You expect her to tell you that you are making a terrible mistake, that Arizona is the best of the best and if you let her walk away without a fight, you must be stupid as hell. You expect her to point out her relationship status, how she left Mark and now she is sleeping with kind of, sort of married men, and compare your decision about your own relationship. You expect her to tell you how wrong you are and try to fix things for you, for Arizona. So, when she simply sits there, saying nothing at all, it surprises you.
She catches your gaze from the corner of your eye, and that is when you notice the difference within her once loving eyes. No, you sigh, trying careful not to stare, they are different now. Saddened. Hopeless. And you can not help but wonder if you look the same way to by-passing strangers.
"You should just go," She states coldly and the sound of her voice catches you entirely off guard. You shift in your seat, your brow wrinkled in confusion as you stare at your new blond best friend. You have seen Mark Sloan leave some damage behind before, but nothing could even compare to the damage he created in Lexie Grey.
"What? Why?" You intrigue her explanation, but she only shrugs. Her eyes meet yours carefully and a weak smile forms upon her lips before she breaks the stare and returns her attention to the hustle and bustle around you that clearly is taking up more of Arizona's time than you originally expected.
"I know you think that you are doing the right thing, but you're not. You hurt her. You broke her. You sprung this idea of family on her and she just...wasn't ready, you know? She lost her brother in the war and she sees these sick kids every day....and you just spring the idea of having a family with her when she wasn't ready. And because she wasn't ready, you left her. And she's dying inside. So, sitting here, waiting to see her. Hoping to just catch a glimpse of her, isn't helping her. And, excuse me for saying this, but it really isn't helping you, either," Her eyes are lit with determination, her jaw locked tightly and that is when you notice it. The similarities between her and Meredith. And sitting here, looking at her, it's like you stepped back in time to three years ago.
"I'm waiting for her, Lexie," You reply, not backing down. She stares at you for a moment, in awe of your sudden defiance of the bitter truth, twisting her fingers in her hair before she speaks again.
"Callie, I really don't think..." But you interrupt her, because how dare she? How dare she, Lexie freakin' Grey comment on your relationship when she is the one getting all hot and heavy with kind of, sort of married guy? How dare she tell you to leave Arizona alone when she is the one who clearly isn't over Mark? She's Lexie and she means well, you know this, but at this moment in time, you are losing your patience with not only her but every one else in this damn hospital who seems to know more about your relationship than you do.
"I'm not leaving. I won't leave. I get that you blame me for this and maybe you're right, maybe by being here, I'm not helping her or me. But I have to see her because I have to tell her that I still love her, that I still want to be with her. I have this thing where....I run, you know? When I get scared or when things get hard, I run because it's easier than admitting that something's wrong. And Arizona is so...perfect and amazing and...our relationship is...was, the best that I have ever...the way that I loved Arizona was so...I couldn't admit...I was scared. So, instead of facing this issue head on, I gave myself an excuse and I ran. And Arizona deserves more than that," You explain to her with a swift nod of your head. You don't expect her to understand it, to truly comprehend the depths in which you love, but what you do expect is her understanding of mistakes and the need for forgiveness. She turns in her seat, her eyes carefully watching you as she probes you to continue.
"Arizona deserves someone who will stand fearlessly by her side. Someone who doesn't get scared by confrontations or avoid the important things because she is afraid of the outcome. She deserves someone who will hold her hand when things get hard, dry her tears when she gets upset and put her world back together when it's falling apart. She deserves someone steady, solemn and strong. Someone who can admit her weaknesses and mistakes and learn from them, instead of making them over and over. She deserves....someone who...she deserves a good man in a storm," You sigh, the tears blistering in your eyes and you swallow the cry in your throat.
"So, no, Lexie. I can't leave. Because I have to see her. And you may not understand that or understand how much I care for her, but I do. And I have to prove to her that I can be a good man in a storm. I'm stubborn and I'm impulsive but I love her, damn it. I love her more than anything and I can't just walk away from that. I can not...no, I will not just stand by and watch the person that I am meant to be with walk out of my life without a fight," You cry.
"Then, I'll wait with you," She smiles at you, flipping through the magazine. You stare at her for a moment, amazed that she gave in so easily before you return your attention back to the busy Peds wing that surrounds you. Hopingthat you can see her, just this once.
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
"I can not believe that we are fighting about this...again!" Arizona snaps at you in aggravation, slamming her purse down hard upon your table. You slam the door hard behind you, wincing at the echo before you return your attention back to the curly haired blond who watches you now, with careful eyes.
"Well, excuse me, for having dreams for us! Dreams about our future! I thought we were on the same page!" You yell at her and you find yourself surprised that you would dare raise your voice to her. You have only yelled at her once in your life, even that was an irrational and terrible choice of words. She chuckles, a sound that twists your stomach in knots as she stares at you, her blue eyes flaming with emotion.
"I have dreams about our future, Calliope! I think about it a hell of a lot more than you think I do! The wedding, the big house, the dogs and the cats! Don't you think that I want to spend my life with you?! I do! But I do not want kids! I can't do it. It's not because of my brother or because I'm gay or because of any other reason that you can think of! I can't because I see what happens to families! I watched what happened to my parents, I watch what happens to every parent that comes into my hospital with a sick kid and I will be damned if I put myself or you, through that! And if you can't understand that, then I don't know what else I can do to prove my point, bar jumping through flaming hoops!" She yells, her voice cracking with emotion and you wonder when it got to be this bad between you.
"I want kids. I've always wanted kids. I'm not going to change my mind, Arizona," You exclaim.
"Yeah, well neither am I!" She snaps back. And suddenly there is silence as both of you are aware of the hard bitter truth that neither one of you wants to admit. So, for a while, you say nothing. Instead you stand there, staring at the gorgeous woman standing in front of you, the woman that you love more than anything in this world and you wish, oh, how you wish, this was all so very, very different.
"It seems like this is all we ever do anymore, isn't it?" You sigh at the hard truth, sitting your keys down upon the table as you slowly approach her. You remember when she first kissed you in the bathroom at Joe's, but even that, feels like a lifetime ago now.
"Calliope," She mumbles, staring down at the floor but you won't let this slide, because you can't. Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same and you know that it's about damn time that you did the right thing for her.
"We can't even go out on a date anymore without snapping at each other. It shouldn't be that way, you know? It used to not be that way. I remember when I used to get so excited thinking about our dates, about what you would wear and what we would talk about. But now...now , I just hope that it ends without us killing each other. It's because we both want different things and we are both trying so hard to stop this from happening, but it's happening anyway," You admit, her eyes are pleading to you stop but you can't, no matter how badly you want to because she deserves to break free.
"I want kids and you...you don't. And all we ever do is fight anymore. Sometimes our fights don't even make sense. And I get that couples fight, it's healthy and we've had our fair share of them, but this time it's different. This time we both want different things and I can't...I can't give you what you want and you can't give me what I want. And I can't...I can't keep doing this," You cry and she shakes her head with a sniffle, taking a step toward you.
"So, what are you saying?" Her voice is trembling and you know that you are breaking her slowly and you hate yourself for ever falling in love with her in the first place because you have broken the world's most perfect woman.
"I'm saying that I can't do this anymore, Arizona. I can't fight anymore. I'm not strong enough to keep doing it and I won't keep putting you through it. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts, I love you more than you'll ever know. But I can't do this anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself, and I can't keep doing it to you. You deserve more than this and so do I," You sniffle, reaching forward as you brush a golden hair away from her face, ignoring the shivers that dance up your spine.
"Calliope, please," She cries for you but you simply close your eyes, keeping your blistering tears at bay. Because this is what is best. For both of you.
"We're done. I'm so sorry, Arizona. I'm just...I am so sorry. But this is what is best for you," You cry. She shakes her head, stepping back as she takes her purse in her hands and that is when you see it, the damage that you've done. The damage that you can never heal.
"No, what's best for me is you. And I can't believe that you would even think for a minute that you're not. You're running away because you're scared, because this is hard and I can't believe that you would...you know who you're being like? You're being like Erica. Running when things get complicated. And I can't believe that you are doing this to me," She cries before she storms past you, slamming the door hard before you can say anything to stop her. But honestly, you're not so sure that you would have anyway.
After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in
You are sitting by yourself now, after Lexie scurried away to attend to some surgery that Meredith paged her for. But you're not complaining, because you like the silence. You like the serenity of the moment, no-one probing you for the answers that you just didn't have at the moment. You take it in, minus the sounds of screaming children and worried parents. Because even though you are in the silence, you are not at peace, not with your heart waging this war inside of you.
You are trying to nod off when you glance over your shoulder in one last desperate attempt to find the perky blond Peds Surgeon and you finally achieve success. Standing at the nurses station, filling out a patients file, is Arizona. Suddenly, every perfectly calculated word seems meaningless, every nice gesture just seems foolish. Of course you are meant to be with her, of course you are. But what if she doesn't see it that way?
Suddenly her eyes meet yours and, as cliché as it sounds, it is as if everything falls away around you. She is the only thing you see, the only thing that matters to you anymore. Slowly, she drops the pen in her hand as she walks toward you. That is when you notice it, the change within in her. No longer is she wearing those dorky heelies, but instead they are replaced by a pair of practical tennis shoes. The perky curls that normally danced around her shoulders are now replaced by straightened hair that is pulled back in a professional pony tail. Her blue eyes that were once alive with love, happiness and magic are now dulled in pain, bitterness and clear sleep deprivation. The lines across her face that once told a story of pride and love, now tell a story of heartbreak and pain. Pain that you caused.
Stumbling, breathless, you stand on your feet to face her, trying to calm the racing heart that she clearly holds in the palm of her hands. Your eyes stay intently locked upon hers as she comes to a stand still in front of you, this woman practically a complete stranger to you now. But you know somewhere, deep down, is the Arizona that you fell in love with, it's just going to take a lot of apologizing and explaining to find her again.
"Hey," You smile at her, shifting your weight from one foot to another. She stares at you for a moment, gnawing on her bottom lip and you can only wonder what is going through her head. You wonder if the last scene between the two of you has constantly been playing through her head just like it has yours.
"Hi," She whispers and her voice sounds like a ghost, ridden with the pain and heartbreak that you had so desperately hoped she had been able to avoid. You nod your head in acknowledgment of the formality, taking a moment to mesmerize her perfect face, the flawless perfection that you loved waking up to every morning.
"I..."
"I..." You both try to talk in unison and you both giggle, cheeks burning red with embarrassment.
"You first," She smiles and you nod your head, clearing your throat. Even now, after all that you have been through together, she can still create those fluttering butterflies in the pit of your stomach. She can still make you a nervous wreck, weak in the knees, clumsy, like a foolish child.
"I was just going to say that I miss you," You exclaim, your brown eyes brimming with tears. She notices them with a weak smile, nodding her head and you find yourself counting the different colors of azul that color her deep blue eyes.
"I miss you, too," She sighs and you snap your head up at the sound of those four words. Maybe she is ready to forgive you, maybe she is ready to start over and forget everything that has happened. Maybe she realizes that you are meant to be together, kids or no kids.
"I'm sorry," You state so simply as if it solves every problem that you have ever had, and you wish that it did. You wish that by saying those two words, you made it possible for her to forget how easily you gave up that night and prove to her that you are meant for so much more than this. She looks at you longingly for a moment, clinching her eyes tightly shut before tearing her eyes away from you.
"Oh God, Calliope, you have no idea how much I..." but she trails off as her eyes meet yours and the look in her eyes tell you that this clearly is not going to go the way you had hoped. You shake your head for a moment in confusion as you wait for her to say something, so when she doesn't, you take the incentive to ask the question that you desperately want to hear the answer to.
"Can we fix us?" You ask.
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms
"You want kids and I don't. I may never change my mind," She explains to you in a sigh. But you shake your head, rejecting her answer as you step toward her, taking her hand within yours, your eyes pleading her with the words that you will never be strong enough to say.
"It doesn't matter. The kids thing? It doesn't matter. I mean...yeah I want them, but you know what I want more than that? You. I want you. I want to spend my future with you, in our big house with our dogs and our...our chickens. I just want you," You plead with her and the glimmering tears in her eyes nearly break your heart. The way that she is looking at you, it deadens everything inside of you, including your soul.
"No, it does matter because I'm not going to let you do this. I'm not going to let you give up what you really want because of me. You...you deserve to have what you want, Calliope. You are the most deserving person that I know. And I'm not...no, I won't be the person who is standing in your way," Arizona states with a sigh and a simple shake of her head. There's a look in her eyes that looks a whole lot like a goodbye and you aren't so sure that you are ready to face it, not without knowing what could have been.
"No, no. You're not standing in my way, you are just showing me a different path. I want to be with you, Arizona. And it doesn't matter to me if we have kids or chickens or whatever else you want. As long as I am with you, nothing else matters because I know that I am not meant to be without you. And you believe that too. You know why I know that? You're still wearing your necklace. That means you haven't given up, either," You demand, fumbling with the heart draped around her neck. She closes her eyes tightly before she reaches behind her neck and undoes the clamp on the necklace, allowing the heart to slip between her fingers.
"No, don't. Please," You beg her and when she looks at you, that is when it all falls apart.
"I may never change my mind about kids, Calliope. Maybe I will. I don't know. But what I do know is that you shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for something that may never come. You've been through so much in your life, between your father and Erica and I just...I think you deserve to have what you want. And you want kids. And I may never be able to give that to you. So, maybe, you should find someone who can? I don't know what to do anymore but what I do know is that I love you too much to stand in your way," She cries and you know that her heart is breaking just as badly as yours. Suddenly, you grab her face in your hands, your lips devouring hers and when she pulls away, that's when you know there's nothing you can do to change her mind.
"Arizona, I don't...I don't know what to say," You begin but she shakes her head, placing her fingers against your lips as she swallows another sob in her throat.
"Don't. Just don't say anything, please. This is hard enough as it is. I'm not going to stop you from doing what you want to do, I can't promise you a forever or that I'll change my mind. But what I do know, Calliope, is that I love you. I love you so unbelievably much and if this was a different time...if...I would give anything to change this. Anything. But I... I don't know what to do and I'm...I'm hurting you and I can't deal with that. But...God, I love you. I love you and I don't want you think that I don't," She stutters, trying to regain her strength and you only watch as she becomes unwound in front of you.
"I'm doing this because I do love you. I want you to be happy and I don't think that your happy anymore. I just...I don' t know how to fix this, how to fix me and I want you...you are going to make a wonderful mother and I wish that I could...Oh, Callie..." Her voice trails off into another cry before she kisses you, strongly and passionately. She pulls away, leaving you breathless just like a year ago in the bathroom, before she wipes the tears away from your eyes.
"I'm going to love you more than any one, no matter what," She whispers in your ear before she places the heart in the palm of your hand. Her fingers linger against your skin for a moment before she turns to leave, pushing her way through the crowded Peds floor, the heart wrenching sounds of sobs following behind her. And you watch her go, breathlessly, before you whisper those four words that could have changed everything, those for words that could have stopped your heart from breaking in the first place.
"I love you more," You cry as you slip onto the floor in cries of your own.
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms
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