DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter.
The inhabitants of Hogwarts were unfortunate to live alongside of one pesky poltergeist called Peeves. Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry founded in 993 and Peeves came with the building. Starting from Hankerton Humble to the current caretaker, Rancorous Carpe, this poltergeist has been the bane of every Hogwarts caretaker's existence. Peeves has a physical form but he became invisible to cause havoc. He was capable of flight as well as grab hold on to items to pelt at anyone who happens to be walking by. Fear and loathing would strike the hearts of professors and students by the sight of a little black haired man donning a sleep cap with wickedly slanted, orange eyes that matched his bowtie.
Peeves was even more mischievous lately; he threw eggs at the students causing them to slide on the floor, stalked a group of Ravenclaws in a suit of armour and made rude comments which dissolved friendships, pitch an uneaten apple, from the Gryffindor's table, hitting someone at the Slytherin's table causing a food fight, and to the professors' ire, he, invisibly, would make flatulent noises each time one of them sat down causing fuss in the classrooms. This was added to his usual antics; throwing bits of chalk at people, banging upside down bins on people's heads, grabbing people's noses really hard, and more irritating things you could possibly think of. But it was Rancorous Carpe who felt that Peeves was his punishment for something he must have done in a previous life. Peeves would muddy up the Hogwarts' halls, splash water from the toliets, turning on all the faucets to make the bathrooms flood, grabbed spare newt eyes and dragons fetus carcasses to stink up the kitchens as well having the house-elves in serving them to the students, he would sneak into the kitchens for grease and batter, and anything Peeves could think of to create a mess for Mr. Carpe to clean.
The breaking point for Mr Carpe was either the food fight or dragon fetus carcasses dinner but something in him snapped. Mr. Carpe was relatively young when he became the caregiver but Peeves rapidly aged him. Recently, he adopted a mad glint to his eyes and would whisper to himself on how he will dispose of Peeves. All the students and most of the faculty started to become nervous about Mr. Carpe. He became so worrisome that the headmistress, Eupraxia Mole, felt obligated to have the gamekeepr keep tabs on him.
"Mr Carpe, why don't you go on holiday? The professors and I can help out while you are away. A little holiday will do you some good," stated Professor Mole.
"I'll go on holiday once I expel Peeves from the castle, headmistress."
"That is a considerable feat you are trying to do, Mr. Carpe. Peeves has been here since the founders established this school. Why don't you take some time off to think about how you will banish Peeves?"
"No can do, headmistress. Peeves needs to be gone as soon as possible." The mad gleam entered Mr. Carpe's eyes.
Professor Mole sadly shook her head, "do not do anything foolhardy, please."
Maybe the events wouldn't have escalated as far as it did if only Professor Mole enquired how Mr. Carpe would dispose of Peeves. Everyone heard a loud explosion coming from the attic followed by more ! Crash! Thump! BANG! Bang! The sound of Peeves maniacallaughter became louder with each sound indicating he broke something. Suddenly Peeves appeared before them in the the entrance hall. He was outlandishly clad as usual but he was brandishing a blunderbuss and a sword.
"Hahahaha! Fear Peevsie, for he can kill you all! Awww, the little ickle kiddies are afraid to die. Hogwarts is falling down, falling down, falling down. Hogwarts is falling down, my fair witch! Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!" Bang! Bang!
Below Peeves, mayhem ensue. Student screaming, running different directions to avoid being shot. Prefects were trying to restore order; their solution was to head everyone to their prospective common room. Peeves kept firing the blunderbuss and swooping down on students with his sword, ready to strike. The shots barely missed the panicking students.
"QUIET!" Professor Mole's magnified voice roared, "Peeves, lay down your weapons!"
"Fat chance, Holy Moley!" Peeves said as he fired a shot just above her head.
"Exit, calmly, through the double oak doors!" Professor Mole along with the other professors ushered students outside.
"P-professor Mole, wouldn't it be s-s-safer if we went to our c-common rooms? We w-wouldn't f-f-freeze!" Justus Pilliwickle, a Hufflepuff fourth year, said while his teeth was chattering.
"You'll be a lot colder, Mr. Pilliwickle, if we remained inside. Peeves can get into your common rooms, but he can not get outside. Is everyone accounted for?" Professor Mole proceeded to cast the Hot-Air Charm to warm herself and proceeded to teach the children the charm. A representing prefect from each house disclosed that all their members were present.
"What now, Mr. Pilliwickle?"
"How long will classes be cancelled?" Justus asked, grinning from ear to ear.
"Until Peeves stop threatening our lives."
Professor Mole was displeased to find her charges excited at this news. "We will, of course, take a few days from your summer to make up for lost time." A chorus of moans greeted her ears. She addressed the student body, "No one is allowed inside until Peeves relinquishes those weapons."
"What about food?" "What about toiletries?" "I need to go to the bathroom!" "Where are we going to sleep?" "We're going to miss out on that exam in potions!" "I need my books to study!" "I want my hippogriff teddy!""What about my cat?"
"QUIET!" Professor Mole magnified her voice, again. "You don't have to worry about studying; I'll give you time to study once this is over. Your pets should be fine; they have plenty of water and mice to catch inside. I'll supply you with the rest. Oh, if you need to go to bathroom then step into the Forbidden Forest. But cover it up, before you leave! Butters?"
A house-elf appeared next to Professor Mole. "Butters, please get tents, sleeping bags, food, water, and toiletries at a nearby wizard surplus store. Put everything on Hogwarts tab." She paused, doing a mental calculation, " I think we can get by with one hundred twenty-five tents. Thank you, Butters." The house-elf popped off as Professor Mole headed toward Mr. Carpe.
"Mr. Carpe, please tell me that you had nothing to do with this," she asked him while pointing towards the castle.
"Headmistress, I never dreamed that he could get out."
"Out, where?"
"Out of the bell jar. I devised a trap for him, ma'm."
"Why a bell jar? How did he get hold of those weapons?"
Mr. Carpe looked guiltedly at Professor Mole. "I thought a bell jar would create a vacuum-taking away Peeves's air so he would no longer exist."
"Mr. Carpe, may I kindly remind you that you can't get rid of poltergiests that easily? Poltergiests are not living so they do not breathe. Please, continue."
"Well, anyways I thought at least I could contain Peeves. As for the weapons, I needed them to attract Peeves into the bell jar."
"Why weapons?"
"I thought Peeves would be interested in them."
"Yes, but Peeves is interested in anything for a good prank; horn, cymbols, even Filibuster's Fireworks would be safer than Muggle weaponry."
BANG! BANG! They heard the tinkling of broken glass as shots were fired through the window.
"Can't we have him exorcised?" Mr. Carpe whimpered.
"I'm contacting the Minister of Magic to alert him of our situation, but I don't think we can have Peeves exorcised."
The children were having a great time playing in the snow far away from the castle as possible. A group of Ravenclaws was using snow as a medium to build sculpters of scenes or characters from their favorite novels. Gryffindors and Slytherins built themselves snow forts to have the biggest snowball fight that winter. Hufflepuffs split up; some chose to join the Gryffindors as others threw snowballs along with the Slytherins. Quite a few Hufflepuffs were building alongside the Ravenclaws and some Hufflepuffs set off by themselves looking for the elusive white flower that only blooms during a flurry. There were a few children writing in the snow trying to study for their upcoming tests.
BOOM!
"Tsk, tsk. Dear me," BANG! "I just had to see this for myself. How did Peeves, "BANG! "get hold of inferior weapons?" Minister of Magic, Faris Spavin's oily voice asked. He came to Hogwarts as soon as he was notified about the events.
"I wouldn't call them" BANG! "inferior, Minister Spavin. Those weapons succeeded in driving us out of the castle. Mr. Carpe, if you don't mind, please inform the Minister on how Peeves acquired such weapons."
"Well, Minister, you may remember Peeves" BANG! "from the time you have gone to school here. He probably was a nuisance then as he is now. So I devised a trap" BANG! "to get rid of Peeves by luring him in a-er, bell jar with weapons."
"How did you get hold,"BANG! "of Muggle weaponry?" Minister Spavin asked.
"I found this shop which Muggles call a Pawn that had these weapons. The proprietor found our currency to be most insteresting."
"Be careful, Mr. Carpe. Remember the International Statue of Wizarding Secrecy," Minister Spavin forewarned.
"They just thought I was," BANG! "some foreigner and I also act the part."
"Minister Spavin," BANG! "how would you alleviate the situation without," BANG! "using Ministry resources?" asked Professor Mole.
Minister Spavin gave his most congenial smile, "Oh, I would wait until," BANG! "he gets tired. Everyone is outside, right? Just," BANG! "give him a few days. When I was a student, the Bloody Baron used to be the only one able to control Peeves. He's still here, isn't he?"
"Yes, but none of the ghost are able to communicate to us; they can't alert us if the coast is clear," Professor Mole replied.
"Just give it a few days and if you have to," BANG! "strike a deal with Peeves. I have one other question, Mr. Carpe," BANG! "why did you give Peeves loaded weapons?" asked Minister Spavin.
"It didn't occur to me that he would be able," BANG! "to get out. I had several Containment Charms placed on the bell jar. Can we get him exorcise?" Mr. Carpe asked as his nervous tic flaring up.
BANG! BANG! Another glass window shattered.
"I'm sorry," BANG! "I think you can only exorcise ghosts," BANG! "and Peeves is a poltergiest. If there is nothing else I can," BANG! "do for you then have a nice day." Minister Spavin soluted the headmistress and Mr. Carpe and walked down the lane to apparate away from Hogwarts.
BOOM!
After three days, the gunshots and cannon fire started to wane. The lawn was littered with one hundred twenty-five differently coloured tents that housed students regardless of their house affiliation. There were snowhippogriffs, snowunicorns, a giant snownarwhal, paying homage to Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, the Giant Snowsquid, and, to some questioning, a Threstral. "What is that?" "You've never seen this before? They pull our carriages every year." There were many other snow creatures but some were either made up or indistinguishable.
"I'm coming in. Keep an eye on things, Dexter," Professor Mole walked through the double oak doors.
"PEEVES! Show yourself; I come in peace."
"Why, it's the Head Mole. How can Peevsie be a service to you, Moley?" Peeves somersaulted in midair, coming near her.
"I'm here to negotiate with you; lay down your weapons, never threaten a student's life again, and I can get you whatever you would like, if it is possible."
"Hmmm...lemme think...A neverending supply of fireworks?"
"Too disruptive."
"Access to an endless supply of eggs for throwing purposes?"
"Too messy, but how about the first refusal of stale bread from the kitchens instead?"
Peeves perked up at that. "And Peevsie gets to swim everyday in the boys' toilets?"
Professor Mole looked disgusted. "How about swimming, once a week, in the boy's toliets on the ground floor?"
"Deal! Is it too much to ask for a new hat? I hear Madam Bonhabille is the leader in fashion," he simpered.
"Deal." Professor Mole made a mental note to ask Madam Bonhabille to put bells on it.
"Wait! I want it all in writing."Peeves impressing Professor Mole. Of course there was never any question of drawing up a contract. "It was getting boring anyways."
Less than twenty four hours, everyone moved back inside the castle and students went to their last class of the day. Mr. Carpe came in Professor Mole's circular office, tarred and feather. He had this aggravated look, like a person who just gone over the edge.
"I'm going on early retirement for health reasons." He bid her good day and promptly exited the castle to Peeves laughter.
Professor Mole paused while she was drafting a job notice for caretaker. Then she wrote, "Must have resilience."