Brianna, pulled her coat on and turned back to stare at her sister. "Julie, if he wakes up just don't tell Alex I'm gone he'll worry."
"But-"
Brianna frowned as her sister prepared to continue, but then she slowly counted to ten in her head and fingered her rosary beads in her pocket allowing the familiar action to calm her mind. The words of Sister Frances from the time she had spent at the farm echoed in her ears, patience, kindness and faith are all we have to hold on to now. God has stripped away our worldly concerns and wants us to focus on him, this is but a test and with faith and grace we shall see this through.
"Bri, don't go-what if Alex wakes up again while you're gone?"
Brianna dug deep into her store of patience reminding herself taht Julie was younger and while she believed she didn't know with the same conviction that Brianna had that god would see them through whatever would happen-just as he had seen Papi and Mami through. "Julie, It'll be fine, I'll be back , but I must go to church and give thanks for what God has done for us."
Julie's face which had been scared now twisted with anger. Brianna felt a pang as he younger sister spat out the words "and what has he done for us, but left us to die. And destroyed everything and left bodies everywhere. And killed Mami and Pa-Papi." tears streamed down Julie's cheeks as she whispered the last words.
"Don't say that." Brianna whispered as she forced herself to believe the words weren't true. She had to believe that one day all would be back as it was before. Mami would be singing in the kitchen as she cooked dinner. Papi would be watching TV in the living room. Carlos calling her and Julie to tease them. Everything would be normal.
"How can I not say that Bri?" Julie stared into her sister's eyes. "It's true, we're alone just the three of us and if something happens to you then it's just me and Alex. a-and if something happens to Alex then I'm alone. I'm Alone!" Julie broke into sobs; Alex stirred behind her but only murmured sleepily without awakening.
Brianna felt anger rise, but she quickly forced the emotion down. Anger was one of the lesser emotions and Julie had every right to be afraid. But Brianna felt a calm inside herself that while it could be disturbed, couldn't be broken and knew it came from her faith that God no matter what had happened would watch over them.
Bri hesitated then went to Julie and enfolded her in her arms. She stroked her hair and as she embraced her felt how thin she was. She felt her tears soaking into her clothes and she felt tears drip down her own cheeks. She whispered a silent prayer for strength reminding herself of the trials others had been through and knowing that she could withstand it. Just as the saints and martyrs in the past had withstood their trials and maintained their faith she could also. As long as she held her faith she could withstand it.
When Julie stopped crying Bri pulled away from her slightly and stared into her sister's eyes. "Julie, I need o do this. I'll be back before dark, but I have to go to St. Margaret's and at least light a candle for Alex, and I'll say a prayer for us all." She reached out and wiped the tears off Julie's face with her thumb. "It's a miracle Alex has gotten better and a miracle that the three of us are still together. The heavenly father is capable of many more miracles but we have to be strong and we have to hold faith, es verdad hermanita?"
Julie took a deep breath then whispered "Si"
Bri nodded then said "I'll be back I promise, before I go let's say a prayer together." Julie appeared about to disagree but abruptly she nodded and gave a weak smile. She followed Bri as they both walked to the small shrine Bri had in their room and they kneeled in front of the statue of the Holy Virgin. Julie's head was bowed, but Bri stared up at the serene sculpture wishing that she could have the air of calmness that the woman seemed to possess. With a deep breath in which she saw the faces of Papi, Mami , Carlos and many others and willed them to be alive and well. Images of their bodies twisted and dead as she had seen so any others threatened to drown her, but she focused on the sculpture of Santa Madre De Dios and forced herself to believe. She whispered a silent prayer and collected her thoughts. As she calmed a slight thrill of shame flitted through her mind that she had ever doubted God. "Please forgive me." She murmured and a peace suffused her as she felt her prayer was answered. She took a deep breath and then started.
"...Santa María, Madre de Dios, ruega por nosotros pecadores, ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte. " Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. She began and slowly the familiar words rolled off her lips and renewed confidence in the God's will flowed throughout her. Bri finished the prayer and genuflected before replacing her rosary beads in her pocket and rising. She turned to look at Julie and saw fear still in her eyes. The sense of calm that flowed through Bri had not spread to Julie.
Julie stared at her silently for a minute then said "Don't go-at least not alone -wait until Alex is better and I'll go with you -or"
Bri shook her head. "I must. Julie we need to have faith, the Heavenly Father will be watching over me just as he is watching over us all."
"If he's watching over us then why is Alex sick and where are Mami and Papi, Bri?"
Bri paused and then quietly she said. "None of us know God's reasons but he has a plan-we must believe." Julie's mouth tightened but she didn't speak; instead she turned and walked away. Bri stared after her sadly but then wound a scarf around her face and prepared to leave. Before she could open the door, Julie said "wait."
Julie came closer and pressed an object into her sister's hand. "You forgot that. If you're going take your inhaler, the airs really bad you'll need it."
Bri didn't tell Julie that the reason she had left the inhaler behind was because it was empty. Her inhalers had been empty for several days and since she had been caring for Alex she hadn't felt the need to use it anyway. But Bri knew that if Julie knew about her inhaler it would only worry her more so she whispered "Thanks."
Both sisters stared at each other silently, then abruptly both reached for each other and hugged each other tightly. When they broke apart, Julie wiped tears from her eyes and tightened her jaw. "Go on, Bri while there's still light outside and the electricity on. L-Light a candle for me too."
Bri walked to the door and at the last moment before she left she said. "I love you Julie."
Julie shrugged. "Yeah, I know.'
Bri smiled and then left. She stepped into the hall and slowly walked, she was grateful the electricity was on. She didn't know if she would be able to make it to St. Margret's if she had to walk down the flight of steps. She stepped into the elevator and pressed the bottom for it to go down as the elevator slowly screeched downward and the lights flickered she shivered. She thought of being trapped in the elevator if the power went of and remembered accidentally being locked in the boiler room when she was younger She had hated small spaces ever since then. But the elevator made it to the bottom without a problem. Bri winded her scarf tighter around her face and then slowly stpped outside. The wind was bitngly cold and the thick ash in the air made her feel like coughing , she fingered the empty inhaler in her pocket, as she felt a familiar tightness in her throat but she forced the sensation back and as she walked. to take her mind off her own discomfort she recited prayers in her mind.
as she walked to St. Margaret's she saw bodies lying on the sidewalk and many times she was forced to take detours around thick drifts of snow. She was sickened to see that many of the bodies bore the distinct signs of being gnawed on by rats and other vermin. She was repulsed that she momentarily wondered what the bodies tasted like to the rats. She was grateful when she arrived at St. Margaret's.
The inside of the church was warmer than the outside. Her breath didn't billow in front of her face like it had outside, but the sparse warmth of the church was a lot less than it had been even weeks ago. Slowly everything in the city was shutting down. Brianna was grateful that she had decided to come today, even if there was an opportunity to go later it wouldn't be the same. The candle lining the altar were burning low , from long hours as they tried to make up for the lack of light provided by the scant electricity. The stained glass windows were stained from the sooty air outside. And even the light scent in the church didn't disguise the hint of decay and rotting flesh that had come to pervade the air of New York City.
Bri kneeled in front of the altar and raised her eyes to the statue of the Virgin Mary. She pulled her cold rosary beads from her pocket and fingered the worn wooden beads with numb fingers. " Madre de Dios, thank you for helping Alex get better, and thank you for taking care of Julie and me. " She paused staring at the motionless statute, before she continued. "Please help Mami and Papi to come safely home and Carlos where he is. I know you'll take care of us and…" She broke off as she thought of what she was staying. She tried to continue, but the words stopped unheard on her lips.
Why couldn't she see it, perhaps Alex had been right and they were dead. Maybe Julie was right and she was stupid for coming here to pray, after all where had her prayers got her. Mami had come to church like she was supposed to attended every mass and for all they knew she was probably floating bloated in some submerged subway tunnel. And what was the point then if God didn't care,? how could he care if he had allowed this to happen?
"How can all this be god's will?"
Bri didn't realize she had spoken aloud until she heard a voice answer. "Better minds than you have asked that question, and the only answer is that there isn't one." She turned around, to find the solemn face of Father Mulrooney regarding her, though unlike his usual expression of disapproval, there was more sadness than anything else.
Bri wiped the tears off her cheek with a rough swipe and was about to speak. But she found that the apology for her words couldn't be taken back, she couldn't bring herself to feel sorry about what she had said. She wanted so hard to believe that this was God's will and a trial that they had to endure. But the suffering, the innocent people dying, it refused to make sense. And instead of the grace and peace that she longed to feel, an undercurrent of anger coursed through her heart.
Father Mulrooney spoke again quietly. "Our place is not to question god but to do as he asks and withstands the tests he gives with grace and be grateful for the blessings he bestows upon you."
"What blessings? A dented can of cold food for three people, a clearer path through the dead bodies lying about, Being alive when almost everyone I love is d-d-dead. How can this be what God wants?" She had started out almost hysterically with her voice rising with every word but by the end she was crying. Harsh , angry sobs wrenched their way out of her body. She let her Rosary beads fall to the floor, listening to the wood clatter against the cold stone.
Father Mulrooney watched her with concern before pulling her into a hug. She fought against the priests grasp at first and then ceased resisting. He started to speak and she immediately wanted to run away. She couldn't take hearing anymore assertions of God's will and what was right. How could any of this be God's will? How all this death, destruction, chaos, madness could be wrought by an all powerful, all-loving God?
Instead Father Mulrooney surprised her. "I will not lie to you child." He pulled away and Bri saw that tears were in the priest own eyes. " I do not know what purpose this torment serves. I do not know if this is what must happen or what is supposed to happen. I do not even know if there is a God."
Bri felt a shiver past through her at the priest confession, but he continued. "What I do know is that time and time again in our history and those of civilizations before all has seemed bleak..but still we continue on."
Father Mulrooney cleared his throat and then met her eyes. "Do you know why believe choose to believe in God Brianna? Do you know why so many others believe in him or countless other deities or ideologies?"
He continued before she could answer. "It's because of hope. God doesn't need us we need him. We need something to believe in, something to hope for. Even those who don't believe in God believe in something…because everybody needs hope."
The priest leaned down, grabbed the Rosary off the floor and dropped the beads into her hand. They were cold in her warm palm but she curled her fingers against them anyway. "You may lose your religion child…though I hope you don't…but don't lose your hope."
XXXX XXXX
Those words were in her head as she walked into the apartment. It had been a cold and tiring journey back from the church. And she knew Julie was waiting for her and…maybe Alex if he was more awake. Instead of turning towards the steps that led to their apartment she went towards the basement. Mami and Papi weren't coming home…not now, probably not ever. And she could and would let them go. But that didn't mean she couldn't hope.
Their old apartment looked a lot like it had when she had last left it. She could imagine Mami cooking or Papi watching sports or even Alex and Julie arguing. She traced her fingers through the dust on the counter and looked at the remnants of what had been their lives.
She found a dusty scrap of paper in a drawer and a pen sitting in a tray on the counter. As she wrote she knew this was goodbye. She wasn't writing for her mother and father, she was writing for herself. They would never see the letter, but it was time to let go.
Minutes later she folded the letter and set it down…as if one day it might actually be read. "Goodbye." She whispered as she took once last look around the cold lifeless apartment that had once been her home.
She had to get back to Alex and Julie. They needed her, but she couldn't stop the tears they came as she walked away from all that once was.
XXX XXX
Bri knew she was taking a chance by using the elevator, but there was no way she could make it up the stairs to where they were staying. The elevator had lasted for her to go to the basement and with God's will it was last a few moments longer. She stepped inside and pressed the button for their floor, there was a lurch and she slowly started rising. The abruptly a screech rent the air, the lights flickered off and the elevator came to a halt. Bri froze as she silently willed the lights to come on, they had gone off in the past only to flicker back on minutes later, but as minutes passed and then at least half an hour (though it was hard to be sure) panic threatened to engulf her. Bri crouched on the floor , forcing herself not to imagine what could be lurking in the dark elevator.Stop this she chided herself. You're not a little child, there are no monsters in the dark. but the images her mind conjured up were worst then ny childhood images she could have ever imagined. She saw the bodies the rats had partially eaten moving in the dark, their empty eye sockets staring blindly at her. Rotten half-eaten arms stretched out, she whimpered as she imagined Mami, or Papi, or Carlos like that.
Bri yelled hoping vainly that Julie or even Alex might here her. but more and more time passed. Her throat grew raw and her voice was hoarse from the strength of her cries. She felt tears dripping down her down her cheeks, hot rivulets over cold skin. Her hands were turning numb.
She whispered prayers and verses as the time passed but even that brought her little comfort. It was freezing in the elevator. Her teeth were chattering and she couldn't seem to catch her breath. The cold air was searing her lungs and it was becoming harder to breath. She fumbled in her pocket with frost-bitten fingers and grabbed her inhaler. she quickly put it to her mouth and pressed the button, but nothing came out as she had known it would. She felt like she was suffocating she forced herself to calm down but she couldn't catch her breath. She curled up on the floor in the dark desperately clutching her empty inhaler like it would help her breath, by its mere presence. her breath was more difficult in coming her throat had tightened so that she could barely draw in any air, panic was eating away at the corner of her mind. She silently whispered a prayer for mercy. She couldn't die her in this cold elevator alone. She had promised Julie she would come back. Julie and Alex needed her.
As she finished the prayer, she felt a slight peace descend upon her. She still couldn't draw in a full breath, but a sleepiness was covering her. Sleep, everything would be okay when she woke up, she thought groggily. She had read once that if you were asleep you needed less air, God was making her fall asleep, she thought fuzzily. She grabbed her Rosary beads in one hand finding peace in the worn orbs. She closed her eyes though it wouldn't have mattered in th dark whether she did. She felt like she was drifting, breathing suddenly felt unimportant.
She saw light dancing in front of her and as she watched people began to emerge as clear as life. It was Mami, and Papi. She wondered how they could be here in the elevator until it occurred to her she wasn't in an elevator, but that wasn't important anymore. She walked toward the group and felt her mother's arm wrap around her. "Mami." She whispered as she pressed her face into her mother's hair and settled into her embrace. She felt the warm comforting sensation and allowed herself to sink into the feeling. Then she knew no more.