Disclaimer: I don't own ER. After he leaves, Ray realises how much he misses Neela. Spoilers for end of Season 13 and 14
You never realised how much you would miss her when you left. Other things on your mind, you guess. You told yourself that if anything was to happen she would have to come to you, that you would no longer chase her. But after two months of no contact you can't keep up the pretence. You miss her.
The first thing you do is send an email to her personal address, after a week you've received no reply. There are many possible reasons for that, or so you tell yourself.
So you call her cell, only to be told that the number is not recognised. Strange you think, perhaps she's changed it but you're surprised she didn't tell you. A blanket email to all would have sufficed.
You call her apartment, a guy answers, you consider hanging up, instead you ask for her but he says she doesn't live there anymore. You ask for a forwarding address. He gives you 'Abby Lockhart c/o County General'.
A voice at the back of your mind tells you that something's wrong, that this isn't right, but you choose to ignore it.
Another gruelling physio session makes you forget until the next day, when you email her work address, not meant for personal emails. In an instant there's a message in your inbox saying 'unknown user'. You check the spelling, its okay, and you know you've emailed her before without any problems.
The voice is getting louder and more insistent. It's as if she's turned into your imaginary friend. For a second you wonder if you'd dreamt the last three years, but you look down at where your legs should be and you know you didn't.
On a whim you call your old apartment, the last time you saw her you had suggested she move back in, perhaps she had. A recorded message tells you the number is no longer connected.
The voice in your mind is shouting now, but you still ignore it. There's a pain in your chest, but you tell yourself it's just a result of the physio, your muscles tightening or something like that.
You consider the options, three calls you can still make, three possibilities.
You choose the easiest; you phone the surgical ward at County. A ditzy girl tells you that there are no patients there with that name. 'No' you say 'Dr Rasgotra, she's a surgical intern'. No, she says, no doctors there with that name either. You hang up.
The voice is screaming, and you're struggling to ignore it. The grip on your heart is tighter and it's getting harder to ignore that too.
Second last call, you pick up the phone. But you put it down again. You look at the photograph on your bedside table, at the beautiful woman you fell in love with, do you really want to know? Aren't your memories enough? A cup of tea later, another of her influences on you, you try again.
You ask for Abby. You ask her where Neela is and in the pause that follows you know. The voice you've ignored until now was right, something was wrong. And then she says 'honey...' And you realise that missing her before was nothing compared to the pain of missing her now she's gone.
And that last call? You can't make it yet.