There is a hole in the universe. A black, gaping hole where my heart used to be. When it was all said and done we were separated forever. On either side of an impenetrable wall, separated by time and space. He took my heart when he went away. And now here I am alone on one side of the universe. How can I go back? Back to being Rose Tyler, shop girl when I was Rose Tyler, time traveler? How can I go on with this new life, this old life now that he is gone? I have traveled the stars, the very line of time and seen wonders I never even dreamed of. We basked in the light of dying planets; met people long lost to history, and faced danger together. Many times I saw my own death most certainly laid out before me. But then he would take my hand in his and smile and I would be swept away again, another planet, another day saved. Even when it seemed that it would be the end he was always there, I had faith and trust in him that he would find me. And he always did. Always came back for me.
I dream of him, both of his faces. Images haunt me. The look in his eyes when he thought of his lost home world, or when faced with the Daleks. The way he looked at me. I remember the day the Slitheen invaded London and it was up to us and a missile to save the world. " I could save the world but lose you." He had said. His eyes saying the things he never said aloud. The night we were trapped in the undertaker's basement in 19th century Cardiff, the unquiet dead marching towards us. " I am so glad I met you." He said softly taking my hand in his. When we stood by the Tardis and he said he'd never leave me that I could spend the rest of my life with him. In the end I was the one who has gone away.
I still hear the whirring of the Tardis, the wonderful symphony of noise, clicks and bangs, the humming as we flew through space and time. I search the streets of this Other London for a battered, blue police box. I find my eyes scanning the crowds that jostle and trudge past me on the streets; I look for that familiar face. If only. Would I know him if he ever returned? Would he carry a new face?
I dream I am with him and we travel once again. Sometimes my dreams are filled with singing, of memories lost when I looked into the heart of the Tardis, wishing that I could return to save him. Those moments filled with fire and music, energy filling every atom, expanding my very being. The stream of Time moving in me- the beauty, the pain, the power. Then there he is taking me in his arms and kissing me. When I wake I'm not sure if it even really happened, maybe it was all just a dream. But, no. There's my Dad who was dead and Mickey who had stayed behind. They are here with me now in this other life. But even the two of them can't fill the space he has left.
The night sky reminds me of him, all the stars and worlds I had yet to see. I can just imagine him running around the Tardis, pulling levers and pounding panels to get it to work. Where is he now? Where has he been? After that final message at Bad Wolf Bay where has he gone? Even though it tears my heart I can't help but wonder if he misses me. Is he all alone? Traveling time with no one to watch out for him, to help him save civilizations and himself, last of the Timelords.
I remember that last day I would ever see him, standing at the water's edge, the clouds were dark and grey above the bay. My eyes were so full of tears I could hardly see through them, my heart in my throat and on my sleeve. "I love you," I said. Oh, God. What I wouldn't give to… but it is all beyond my reach now, like the stars. I hold the memories close to my heart. I clutch them in shaking hands. They burn like hot coals, they cause me pain to keep them but to let them turn to ash would destroy me. So I bear the pain and see the beauty there, the adventure and never forget. Once, upon time I danced. I saw days dawn in worlds millions of lifetimes away and ago. Once I shared a moment in Time with a Timelord. My Doctor. I gave him my life and my heart and nothing but a black hole remains. A hole in the universe where my heart used to be.