I always thought words were a piece of history that was largely overlooked when it came to grasping at the memories of forgotten times. Songs, photographs, a yearbook; they are the things which have an ability to call you back. Even a familiar scent can bring yesterday back to your heart... back to any heart which happiness once touched.
Though diaries are by design a private matter; within them are words that are never meant to be read, and secrets never supposed to be told. Few written words ever touched me in my life, like those I read on the eve of my graduation.
My name is Alice, and at seventeen the world seemed to be filled with happiness and yet clouded by sorrow. You see most kids didn't know what I knew by that point in my life. They were all heading off into the big wide world to find their place in it and ground themselves for whatever would come after the innocence of school. Only I knew that wasn't always the way things go.
My Mom and Dad are living testament to a broken dream. As they will for evermore seek to find solace in the past. Finding comfort in the familiar, and forever regretting the moment they could have turned back.
Though that isn't how the story should be told. Danny would never have wanted it all to be seen so dark. While his death and therefore his life will always bring pain into my father's heart and a tear to my mother's eye, his life gives me hope.
I found something, after all the years of story telling, that brought my family's sad secret into place. There was a book in my mother's dresser. A leather bound and silk-tied journal, which was beautifully made and in perfect condition. I knew it was wrong of me to pry, but something was telling me to open it. Something wanted me to read what was inside. Something told me that it would change me… but not in the deceitful way I first imagined.
The floorboards creaked guiltily below me, and I sat on the edge of my parents' oak framed bed to secretly take a peak at what seemed to intoxicate my senses. There were almost four hundred pages in the beautiful book and only a single side of letter size paper was written on. By some means this made the moment even more magical. My fingers stroked the thick, watermarked paper and my rapidly moistening eyes absorbed years of love and guilt and missed opportunity.
Trying to recreate how I felt, as the words flowed lazily through my brain and washed unintelligibly over my thin lips, would be pointless. All I can do is tell you the words my mother wrote on one cold winter morning, when she'd just buried one of her best friends. A man younger than her and just as gifted, who was taken from this world by my father's rifle.
It was a mistake...
...though when the mistake began, will always remain a mystery.
"Danny,
I carried this book with me for years, and there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't either consider what was worthy of being written in it, or what was worthy of your kindness. You told me to write my life story; yet I never felt that my life ever really got going enough to write it all down. The book was special, like you… and it is only now when I realize just how much you meant to me that I can find the words.
Life is what you make of it. No one can tell you how to be and no one is comfortable living in someone else's mould. Most of us aren't even comfortable in our own moulds. The difference was that you tried. I live every day wondering how I could have made it all different and how I could have held that heaven in my heart.
People say it wasn't you… that she caused all this sorrow. Though you chose it and you embraced it. You lost your life in the way you lived it… chivalrous and decent and above all… honest.
Now I come to my fortieth birthday and apart from my beautiful children, I wonder what happiness I can take with me. Can you still dream at my age, Danny? Can you still dream of better days, when the time is up?
We make choices and we make mistakes… maybe if we all had the courage to stand up for our choices and admit our bad judgements… maybe we could all touch heaven for a while. It was never what we'd been promised, but you made it so much more, despite yourself. You never knew how you touched my heart… my dreams.
I miss you, Danny. I miss a moment that never should have been; a moment that could have turned the world around. Sometimes it's hard to leave home, when the only place that really feels like home is inside yourself. The only time you truly belong, is in your heart when you are loved. You found that, Danny.
Life isn't a waste and time isn't a healer… and I don't want it to be. It hurts to miss you… but it's how you live. You live through my heart. No regrets for yesterday, only hopes for tomorrow.
Thank you Senator… thank you Danny… thank you my friend.
Without you I'd never have known to remember the moments that matter… without your gift… I'd never have known that everything matters.
Sleep in peace my friend and dream away. Love was there when your spirit flew and in my heart it shall stay.
Mary x"
I always thought my mother regretted coming home to console my father after Senator's death. Now I find her regret was not having to live with bereavement, but not leaving two years earlier, when the road diverged in a wildwood and everything could have been different.
My car won't start and no one's home… I guess graduation can wait… today's not my day to grow up.
Though diaries are by design a private matter; within them are words that are never meant to be read, and secrets never supposed to be told. Few written words ever touched me in my life, like those I read on the eve of my graduation.
My name is Alice, and at seventeen the world seemed to be filled with happiness and yet clouded by sorrow. You see most kids didn't know what I knew by that point in my life. They were all heading off into the big wide world to find their place in it and ground themselves for whatever would come after the innocence of school. Only I knew that wasn't always the way things go.
My Mom and Dad are living testament to a broken dream. As they will for evermore seek to find solace in the past. Finding comfort in the familiar, and forever regretting the moment they could have turned back.
Though that isn't how the story should be told. Danny would never have wanted it all to be seen so dark. While his death and therefore his life will always bring pain into my father's heart and a tear to my mother's eye, his life gives me hope.
I found something, after all the years of story telling, that brought my family's sad secret into place. There was a book in my mother's dresser. A leather bound and silk-tied journal, which was beautifully made and in perfect condition. I knew it was wrong of me to pry, but something was telling me to open it. Something wanted me to read what was inside. Something told me that it would change me… but not in the deceitful way I first imagined.
The floorboards creaked guiltily below me, and I sat on the edge of my parents' oak framed bed to secretly take a peak at what seemed to intoxicate my senses. There were almost four hundred pages in the beautiful book and only a single side of letter size paper was written on. By some means this made the moment even more magical. My fingers stroked the thick, watermarked paper and my rapidly moistening eyes absorbed years of love and guilt and missed opportunity.
Trying to recreate how I felt, as the words flowed lazily through my brain and washed unintelligibly over my thin lips, would be pointless. All I can do is tell you the words my mother wrote on one cold winter morning, when she'd just buried one of her best friends. A man younger than her and just as gifted, who was taken from this world by my father's rifle.
It was a mistake...
...though when the mistake began, will always remain a mystery.
"Danny,
I carried this book with me for years, and there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't either consider what was worthy of being written in it, or what was worthy of your kindness. You told me to write my life story; yet I never felt that my life ever really got going enough to write it all down. The book was special, like you… and it is only now when I realize just how much you meant to me that I can find the words.
Life is what you make of it. No one can tell you how to be and no one is comfortable living in someone else's mould. Most of us aren't even comfortable in our own moulds. The difference was that you tried. I live every day wondering how I could have made it all different and how I could have held that heaven in my heart.
People say it wasn't you… that she caused all this sorrow. Though you chose it and you embraced it. You lost your life in the way you lived it… chivalrous and decent and above all… honest.
Now I come to my fortieth birthday and apart from my beautiful children, I wonder what happiness I can take with me. Can you still dream at my age, Danny? Can you still dream of better days, when the time is up?
We make choices and we make mistakes… maybe if we all had the courage to stand up for our choices and admit our bad judgements… maybe we could all touch heaven for a while. It was never what we'd been promised, but you made it so much more, despite yourself. You never knew how you touched my heart… my dreams.
I miss you, Danny. I miss a moment that never should have been; a moment that could have turned the world around. Sometimes it's hard to leave home, when the only place that really feels like home is inside yourself. The only time you truly belong, is in your heart when you are loved. You found that, Danny.
Life isn't a waste and time isn't a healer… and I don't want it to be. It hurts to miss you… but it's how you live. You live through my heart. No regrets for yesterday, only hopes for tomorrow.
Thank you Senator… thank you Danny… thank you my friend.
Without you I'd never have known to remember the moments that matter… without your gift… I'd never have known that everything matters.
Sleep in peace my friend and dream away. Love was there when your spirit flew and in my heart it shall stay.
Mary x"
I always thought my mother regretted coming home to console my father after Senator's death. Now I find her regret was not having to live with bereavement, but not leaving two years earlier, when the road diverged in a wildwood and everything could have been different.
My car won't start and no one's home… I guess graduation can wait… today's not my day to grow up.