Lord Cynic: "My first piece of garbage for 2008. This took a week to draft and a day to type. Real Life Geek is so lazy."

Geek:"I was watching Little Nicky. Don't make me use the shovel."

Cynic:"You'd give yourself a brain haemorrhage, loser."

Geek:"Geek!"

Cynic:"Whatever."

Cynic:"Real Life Geek owns nothing he rips off in this story."

Hinata strikes again

Naruto hummed happily as he walked through Kohona. Old man Ichiraku had just had a half-price day so the blonde boy had pigged out on twenty bowls of ramen for the price of ten. As a result, Naruto was positively giddy and didn't notice the background music had changed to the Jaws theme. (1a)

He also didn't notice an indigo-haired girl watching him from afar with a gleam in her eyes that would've scared Sasuke straight. All he cared about were the ramen coupons he'd just found on the ground – and the steady trail leading to his training field.

Hinata smiled with all the innocence of Zabuza Momochi as she watched Naruto bounce with glee. While she bore the outside appearance of an angel, she definitely possessed an inner devil. That inner devil had convinced her to play Naruto-hunting Season, although she hadn't needed much convincing at all.

Now that Naruto was taking the bait, the outwardly demure girl knew it was a matter of time before she could snare him. Sure enough, he was heading for his training field where the real lure was set. Hinata followed him quietly, mentally giggling to herself. He was going to be all hers.

Naruto bounced excitedly into Team Seven's training field, clutching fifteen ramen coupons and sporting a massive, boyish grin. It was an awesome day so far, with double the ramen and so many free ramen coupons he could cry.

So he did.

"Bwaaah! I'm so ha – hey, I smell ramen!"

He tilted his head to the air and breathed in with his nostrils. Sure enough, the delicious aroma of miso ramen assaulted his senses, causing him to slightly drool. He ignored any innate sense of caution he should have had as he stumbled towards his prize: the steaming bowl of deliciousness. Within seconds he had reached and emptied the entire bowl and with a delighted sigh he plopped onto the ground and rubbed his stomach.

"That was gooood!"

Hinata sweatdropped as Naruto deposited himself onto the ground. The dose of the sleeping drug in that ramen had knocked out his teacher for hours but not him?

'Looks like I'm gonna need a bigger bowl,' (1b) she mused with disappointment and incredulity. She thought about ambushing him and knocking him out with Jyuuken like last time but the giddiness of giving him 'CPR' like in the ramen shop made her giggle silently and uncontrollably. There was no one else around to pin the blame on either, which would leave her in a bind.

Suddenly an idea hit her (as well as the author who fell off his chair in pain)! She dipped into one of her pouches and plucked out a senbon needle she'd bought during a visit to the rejuvenated Wave village. She bit her lip nervously, trying to weigh up her conscience.

Only to find the benevolent spirit bound, gagged and floating on a log towards a massive waterfall.

Hinata mentally shrugged and scurried through the bushes, making sure to remain silent and out of Naruto's line of sight. When she was safely behind him, she took a deep breath. As she readied her needle, her conscience finally made an appearance.

Even though Halo (2a) Hinata was bruised, soaking wet and still tied to the log (her gag was presumed floating in water somewhere).

'Don't do it!' she piped up. 'Just go over there and talk to him, he'll understand what you want.' Halo settled on Hinata's left shoulder.

'What are you doing still alive?' a malicious voice muttered. Horny (yes, Horny) (2b) popped onto Hinata's right shoulder with a nasty sneer. The latter was bewildered to see her 'not so nice' side dressed in a leather Catwoman costume, complete with a whip. Hinata blushed horribly at Horny's skimpy suit and even Halo coughed embarrassedly.

"Wha-wha-wha-wha-" Hinata stammered with shock. She was rapidly shushed by her personas and resorted to mental thoughts. "W-Who are you?"

To her and Halo's dismay, Horny was taking a very good look at the back of the stretching Naruto. The former pair of Hinata's followed the latter's gaze and hurried to stifle their nosebleeds (Horny never even noticed hers). They were staring at Naruto's backside, their thoughts transparent on their faces.

'N-N-N-N-N-Naruto-kun's…'

'W-Wow…'

'Nice ass.' Horny poked Hinata's right cheek. 'Go on, hurry up and catch him. He's too stupid to know how you feel, but,'Horny blushed with a predatory smirk, 'he's so damn hot!' She licked her lips, oblivious to the slack-jawed Hinata and Halo. 'Plus, we all know the wild ones in the playground are wild ones in the sack.'

Hinata nearly fainted at her devil side's blunt, crude remarks but noticed Naruto starting to walk away from the training field. She panicked and, ignoring Halo's protests, threw the senbon needle directly at Naruto's neck. The trio of Hinata's watched anxiously the blonde boy froze on the spot before collapsing on the ground. The girls all breathed silent sighs of relief.

'My, he's hard to keep down,' Halo mused. Horny's mouth curved into a sinister smirk and the white-clad spirit eyed her curiously. 'What?'

'Nothing,' the darker Hinata replied in a singsong voice.'I completely agree with you.'

Halo kept her gaze on the dubious Horny for a few seconds before vanishing into thin air. Horny smirked and caught up to Hinata, who was futilely trying to lift Naruto off the ground.

'He's so heavy,' she gasped in her mind. 'Is it the ramen?' She ceased her efforts and admitted the dozing Naruto's features. 'Naruto-kun really looks like a sleeping fox. KAWAII!'Hinata blushed like a schoolgirl.

'Now's your chance!' Horny declared, reappearing on the girl's right shoulder. 'Use your Byakugan and look through his clothes!'

'I-I-It doesn't work that way!' Hinata mentally squeaked, her face aflame and her pointer fingers meeting each other repeatedly.

'Damn.' Horny vanished and Hinata sighed before finally hoisting Naruto onto her shoulders and hobbling towards his apartment.

The only thing keeping her from fainting was the fact that Naruto was unconscious; otherwise she would have joined him two steps later.

It took Hinata half an hour to drag Naruto to his front door. She gently deposited Naruto on the ground before fretting over unlocking the door. If she knew him as well as she hoped she did, Naruto kept the key on his person. Which meant…

'I have to go through his clothes!'

'Oh, baby,' Horny purred, returning to Hinata's shoulder. 'Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!'

Halo was being eaten by a bear.

'Ummmm…' Hinata glanced at everything except Naruto and glimpsed a key sticking out from under Naruto's doormat. She and Horny facefaulted. 'I… I guess I shouldn't be surprised.'

Horny nodded and disappeared. Hinata grabbed the key and unlocked the door before heaving Naruto's body inside with her. When they were safely inside she kicked the door closed and looked around. A lone sweatdrop trickled down the back of her head.

Several bowls of ramen were strewn all over the dusty floor. Twisted shurikens decorated the bland walls and blunt kunai covered a patchy couch. The only window was cracked, permitting a stale draft into the apartment. It mixed with the stench of old noodles, causing Hinata to wrinkle her nose in discomfort. The pale-eyed girl noticed a door in the corner of the room and her stomach flipped uncomfortably.

If the room she was in was the living area, was what lay beyond the mystery door…

Naruto's bedroom! Hinata blushed and poked her fingers together reflexively. That was where he slept, where he –

'Gets naked!' Horny smirked atop Hinata's head.

Halo was hanging off the Stone Sandaime's nose.

'W-what?' Hinata's cheeks flooded with crimson and a small nosebleed dripped at the very vivid thought of a naked Naruto parading through the apartment.

'Time to make that a reality!' Horny eyed Naruto's sleeping form hungrily.

Hinata wondered, perhaps not for the first time, if this was her 'Inner Sakura'.

She lifted Naruto onto her shoulders again, walked slowly to the mystery door and edged it open. She was surprised to find that, while it was his bedroom, it was pretty bare. One bed, one window, one closet, that was it. The window as open ('Naruto-kun's favourite way of going in and out,' Hinata thought); the closet was chipped, one of its doors hanging off a hinge; and the bed consisted of a thin mattress and a tattered blanket.

Hinata's heart went out to her crush. For everything he did for the village he loved, they didn't love him back enough to give him more than the bare essentials. Maybe she could flaunt the Hyuuga name around and surreptiously buy luxurious things for Naruto's apartment: clothes, food, curtains, carpets –

'And a queen bed so you can get it on and make babies!'

'Eep!' Hinata jumped, squeaked and blushed. Babies… that would mean…

Hinata had to force herself from her Mrs. Naruto Uzumaki fantasies and place the blonde boy on his bed. She watched his chest rise and fall, the steady rhythm lulling her into a trance.

'Strip him. Strip him. Strip him.'

The chants hypnotised the girl and she started methodically pulling off Naruto's clothes. His shoes, jacket, pants and black shirt were removed in record time, leaving him in a mesh shirt and boxers. Hinata's eyes were glassy but anyone could tell what she was thinking.

'He's too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt. So sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts. He's too sexy for his shorts, too sexy for his shorts, from piers to ports.' (3)

Hinata was in the process of removing said legwear from Naruto's body when he suddenly stirred. A small groan was enough to snap Hinata out of her trance. Cerulean blue eyes met clear lavender eyes.

Hinata nearly died on the spot.

"Hinata? What…" Hinata watched as Naruto looked around his room groggily. "Why am I here? Why are you here?" Hinata blushed when he looked down and blanched. "Why am I half-naked?"

The indigo-haired girl panicked, her face scarlet and her heartrate increasing rapidly. For once, there were no snide voices in her head.

Horny Hinata was tied to a wheelchair and hurtling off a cliff somewhere.

"I… uh… um… I…" Hinata swallowed and racked her brain for an excuse. "You… um… cold… eh… catch… uuuuuum…"

"Hmm?" Naruto furrowed his brows. "I caught a cold?" Hinata shook her head, unable to talk anymore. "I could've caught a cold?" Hinata nodded but grew nervous at Naruto's cheeky grin. "It's sunny today."

Hinata mentally cringed at her mistake. 'How could I be so stupid?' She was so wrapped up in her self-degradation that she didn't notice Naruto get out of bed with a somewhat lecherous smirk on his face until he was right in front of her. She gasped loudly and blushed up a storm at being in very close proximity to her half-naked crush.

"N-N-N-N-N-Naruto-kun… um… what… um… you… so close…" she stammered, making as much sense as a singing Sasuke. She stepped back to get some breathing room.

Unfortunately for her, every step back from her was a step forward from Naruto. Soon, she was pinned to a wall, facing the intimidating boy. The smirk had never left his face and she helplessly wondered why he had to look so handsome with it.

"Y'know," he began, provoking a startled squeak from Hinata, "this is kinda unfair. I'm the only one with clothes off."

Hinata nearly hyperventilated when Naruto eyed her like a hungry wolf. Her blush was now covering her ears and neck. She couldn't look at Naruto due to his state of undress – until he lifted her chin so that anxious lavender met dancing blue.

"Wow, you're hot," Naruto exclaimed. Typically, while the boy meant one thing, the girl thought another. She slightly swayed on the spot. "Want me to take your jacket off?"

THUD

Naruto's words were barely out of his mouth before Hinata suddenly closed her eyes and fell forward. He caught her in his arms and marvelled at the sensation of holding the admittedly pretty girl.

'So small, so warm, so… round.' He blushed horribly as Hinata's perky and ample (oh, so ample – that was Naruto) breasts poked his chest through her jacket. 'What do I do now?'

'Take your vixen to bed with you and mate like rabbits!' the Kyuubi suggested with a malevolent smirk.

'She's not my vixen!' Naruto exclaimed hurriedly. He did, however, take part of Kyuubi's advice and carried Hinata onto the bed. When she was settled on one side he nestled next to her on the other side and laid there for a moment. 'This is nice.'

Suddenly, Hinata rolled over and snuggled him in her sleep. Once again he felt the heavenly assets of her maturing body.

'Very nice,' he drooled through a generous nosebleed.

Halo/Horny: "END!" (4)


(1a and 1b): I do not own Jaws. Ironically the fanfic was inspired by the opening sequence "Flying High" which also used the Jaws theme. The line "I'm gonna need a bigger bowl" was inspired by "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

(2a and 2b): Yeah… sorry about that. Heaven Hinata and Hell Hinata didn't sound right so I had to improvise. "Horny" was "Hobgoblin" in my draft but it's a stupid word, hobgoblin.

(3): It was either that or "Doncha wish your boyfriend was hot like this. Doncha you wish your boyfriend was a hunk like this. Doncha… doncha…" And yes, I was listening to Pussycat Dolls while I typed this… don't ask. Uh… I don't own "I'm too Sexy" for the record, or "Don't cha".

(4): Yeah, I used to watch Cow and Chicken on Cartoon Network...