Asshole
By ainaak ka-lyrra
"Come on Draco". Ginny said pleadingly. Draco looked at her like she was crazy. "No." he said simply. She pouted adorably, which he forced himself to ignore.
The two had been dating for the last four months and to say that Ron hadn't tried to kill Draco would be lying. And so after many debates and death threats, Ron decided to give Draco one chance. If he blew it, Ron and the rest of his brothers would torture him for the rest of his natural born life until he wanted to run willingly into Satan's arms after death, Ron's words.
"What going on?." Ron asked raising an eyebrow. Draco sighed. "Your sister here wants me to sing one of my favorite songs" Draco said slowly. "That doesn't seem to bad." Harry commented. Draco glared at him. "In front of everyone during dinner." he finished dryly. "Ah" Harry and Ron said at the same time. The girls rolled their eyes.
Ginny continued to bug Draco about it for the rest of the day before trying a different tactic. "Draco" She said innocently. Draco rubbed his forehead, trying to hold off the on coming headache. "Yes?" he asked, dreading the question he knew she going to ask him... Again.
Ginny stood up on her tip-toes so she could reach his ear. "If you do it I'll..." whatever she said was lost as she started whispering in his ear. Draco's face started heating up and he coughed into his fist. Oh My. Was the only thing that popped into his head. Ron glared at him, he didn't like the image in front of him.
"Okay" he squeaked, before clearing his throat in embarrassment. Harry and Apollymi snickered and he glared at Harry, he wouldn't glare at Apollymi though, he had no intention of being fried by his ancestor because of something so petty.
After setting everything up with Professor Dumbledore, Draco found himself on the 'stage' next to the staff table. Waiting a bit nervously. And he took a deep breath as everyone else looked at him expectantly. "Well, this is a song I discovered over the summer in America, I can safely say that this one song had forever changed my life the first time I heard it." Taking a deep breathe Draco started to sing as his chosen music started playing.
(I'm An Asshole- By- Dennis Leary)
/With Harry doing the chorus/
"Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Maybe below the cockles,
Maybe in the sub cockle area,Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
Maybe even in the colon, we don't know
I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job
I'm your average white, suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me Interested(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole,what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summer time saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole,what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped facesI'm an asshole (he's an asshole,what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe theyre right when they tell me I'm wrong...
NAH!!!
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole,what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole)
You know what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcapsAnd all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (Yeah!)
And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonaldsIn the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those greeseball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why
2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalkRight through the middle of Tiananmen Square
and it wont make a lick of difference
Because weve got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancerWere gonna thaw out the 'Duke' and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the 'Dukes' gonna be!
I'm gonna get the 'Duke', and John Cassavetes,
and Lee Marvin (Hey!), and Sam Peckinpah (hey!), and a case of whiskey, (Hey, Hey, Hey!)
and drive down to Texas and say...
(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole.what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
EverybodyA-S-S-H-O-L-E
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung Achng Tum Chng Fum A fung
(oooooooooooooh!)
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it."
Ginny stared at her boyfriend before she burst into hysterical laughter. Draco looked at her in surprise, what was so funny?. The rest of the Great Hall stared at him with wide eyes. Harry and Ron were laughing their asses off with Ginny, Neville's shoulders were shaking violently as he tried not to join Harry and Ron on the floor. Hermione looked horrified, Luna was smiling in amusement and Apollymi was chuckling underneath her breath. Oh how she wished her son could've seen this.
Funny enough a lot of the people, even the professors, agreed that Draco was correct, only an asshole would pick a something like that as the song that forever changed his life.
"What an Asshole!". Said a small first year.
Harry and Ron looked at each other before they fell over each other laughing all over again.
THE END.
❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?❦?
A/N - Hey everybody!. I just couldn't resist writing this out. And don't worry I have ideas the next chapters for all of my chaptered fics. Even Living Beyond Tomorrow. I just have to work out the kinks and write all of the chapters out. Don't forget to review Nox Noctis Est Nostri with your ideas and opinions so I can really get into it and spit out more chapters.
I hope I haven't offended anyone with the song.
And you should try and guess what Ginny promised Draco.
Please Review and tell me what you think.
If you want to hear the actual song go to my profile it's the last link.