Disclaimer: Square Enix owns Final Fantasy and all related characters. This is a work of fanfiction with which Square Enix would probably not associate themselves even if I were the last writer on Earth.
Author's Note: This story is based on a thread from the Eyes on Final Fantasy website forums from several years ago. The thread is probably long gone, but I would still like to thank the following EoFF users who created/participated in the (sadly short) thread that inspired this: Rinoaisthebest (thread creator), SupremeGriever, and kami1004.
NOTE: The part of this story taking place in the "real" FFVIII world is in normal text. The part taking place in the "alternate world" narration is in Bold text.
Chapter 1
"Hey guys!" squealed Selphie as she entered the cafeteria. She pranced toward Rinoa and Quistis, who had been sitting at a table together, chatting and nibbling on their dinners.
"Hey, Sefie!" said Rinoa, with a huge grin.
"Come on and sit down," invited Quistis, gesturing to one of the free seats at the table.
"Wazzup, guys?" asked Selphie, plopping down into one of the chairs.
Quistis shrugged. "Just talking."
"Yeah," said Rinoa. "Catching up on girl stuff, now that the men folk are gone." She giggled.
"Oh, yeah," said Selphie, stroking her chin. "Seifer and Squall both left on a mission this morning, didn't they?"
"Yeah," replied Quistis. "I'm kind of surprised that SeeD would send both of their gunblade experts out on the same mission."
Selphie arched her eyebrows. She'd never remembered Quistis questioning the decisions of her superiors.
"But they'll be gone for a few days, and we're in between missions ourselves, so we're just keeping each other company." Rinoa took another bite of her salad.
"Yeah, I bet you miss him," giggled Selphie, a mischievous grin on her lips. "You're always hanging on him and so like, 'Oh, Squally-poo, I loooove yoooo!!'"
Rinoa's mouth dropped open, as a hurt expression washed over her face. "I do not!" Quistis had her hands over her mouth, trying not to laugh out loud. "Quisty!" Rinoa scolded.
"Sorry," said Quistis between giggles, "but that was a pretty good impression of you!"
Rinoa's mouth curled into a frown. "Huh, fine, then. What about you, Miss Goody Two-Shoes? Half the time you're like, 'Oh, Seifer, you're so big and strong,' and the rest of the time, 'Seifer, you jackass!'"
Now Quistis's mouth dropped open. She crossed her arms and frowned back at Rinoa. Selphie leaned back in her chair, then leaned back forward and threw up her hands. "Hey, guys, now wait a…"
She was stopped by the sudden raucous laughter that emitted from the pair. After a few seconds, she joined them with her own nervous laugh.
"That was pretty good, Rin," said Quistis, swiping an errant strand of hair behind her ear.
"Thank you," replied Rinoa. "You were pretty funny too, Sefie."
"Tee hee! Thanks!" said Selphie, now in the spirit of the moment. "Heeeey…I just got a really neato idea!"
"What?" asked Quistis and Rinoa in unison.
"Well, wouldn't it be funny if, like, everyone's personalities were backward?"
"Huh?" asked Rinoa.
"Since the two sticks in the mud are gone, why don't we get Irvy and Zell together, and have some fun, and tell a story about us, except, like, everyone was the opposite of how they really are?"
"That sounds…interesting," said Quistis.
"Sounds like you've been planning this," Rinoa added.
"What? Me? No…well, yes," Selphie said. "But wouldn't it be really, really fun?"
Rinoa shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
"I'm sure we could all use a good laugh," Quistis said.
"Great!" said Selphie, jumping up from the table. "What're we waiting for? Let's go find the guys!"
VVV
Zell had been in his dorm, practicing on his punching bag. He had been easy to convince, as he hadn't been on a mission in weeks and was bored senseless. Irvine, on the other hand, had been in the Quad flirting with the Card Princesses, and seemed quite content to continue doing so. After Selphie slugged him a few times, though, he followed them willingly enough.
They decided on the "secret area" above the Training Center, since it was only a couple hours before curfew and they didn't want to be interrupted by any Faculty members if their storytelling indeed lasted that long. They brought a sack of hot dogs, a cooler with a case of soft drinks, and a couple bags of chips.
"Oooookay, guys," said Selphie, after they had all settled down into a circle, "what we're doing is coming up with a story about all of us, but instead of it being us like we are, all our personalities will be the opposite of what they really are." She pulled a small device out of her skirt pocket.
"Hey, what's that?" asked Irvine.
"A tape recorder, silly," she said. "So we can remember it, and maybe play it back for Squall and Seifer when they get back."
"You didn't say we'd play it back for them," said Rinoa. "I don't want to Squall's feelings hurt."
"Are you saying you'll make fun of him?" asked Quistis.
"No, but…well…"
"We all know how fragile the boy is, emotionally," Irvine said.
"Irvine, that is not true!" Rinoa said, gathering the attention from some of the Secret Area's regulars.
"Oh, c'mon, guys," Selphie said. "Let's just have fun. I'll record it, but we won't play it back for Squall and Seifer. 'Kay?"
"Promise?" Rinoa asked.
"If I play it for either of them, I promise you can…dump ice water on me when I'm sleeping, or something."
"Okay, good enough," Rinoa said, sighing.
"Ooookay!" Selphie said, clapping her hands together. "Everyone pick someone to be. And it can't be you or the person you're dating. Zell will go last, since he's not dating someone in the group." She winked at him. Zell's reply was muffled by his mouthful of hot dog.
"I'll go first, then," said Quistis. "I'll be Irvine."
Irvine's eyebrows raised, and he tapped the brim of his hat. "All right, then, dear Lady Quistis. I'll pick you, then." Quistis rolled her eyes at his false display of chivalry.
"All right," said Selphie. "Rinny?"
"You're doing me?" asked Rinoa.
"That's not what I was saying, but I will if you insist. Tee hee!"
"Okay," said Rinoa. "Hmm…I'll do…Seifer!"
"Okay! Zell, who do you pick?"
"Um, I'll bif Sferl."
"What?" asked everyone.
Zell rolled his eyes and grabbed his opened can of soda. After swallowing a big gulp, washing down the hot dog, he said, "I'll be Squall."
"Okay," said Selphie. "That leaves…let's see…Zell, me, Headmaster Cid, Matron, Fujin, and Raijin. Oh, and Xu and Nida, too. Anyone I forgot?"
"Carela," Zell said.
"Who?" Selphie said.
Zell threw his hands in the air. "My girlfriend!"
Selphie shook her head and shrugged.
Zell sighed. "The girl who works in the library! The one who's out visiting her folks in Trabia this week!"
"Oh yeah…um…well, does anyone know her?" Selphie looked around the group. She was met with blank stares and a couple shrugs.
"I, um, haven't really met her," Rinoa said.
"Me either," Irvine said. "Were you trying to hide her from us? And by us, I mean me, you jealous dog you?"
Zell clenched his fists. "You wish, cowboy."
"Stop it you two!" Selphie said, diving in between them. "If none of us really knows her, it wouldn't be nice to make fun…I mean…try to pretend to not be like her. Know what I mean?" She was again answered with a field of blank stares. "Okay, then, Carla gets a…"
"Carela," Zell growled just before stuffing another hot dog in his mouth.
"She gets a pass. So anyway, who takes who's left?" She swept her gaze about the group.
"I'll be Cid," said Irvine.
"Zell," said Quistis.
"Wha?" asked Zell through his mouthful of food.
Quistis rolled her eyes. "I'll be playing you in the game."
Zell swallowed. "Oh, yeah. Um, I'll be Selphie."
"Oooh," giggled Selphie. "It wasn't your turn, but that's okay. I'll be…Fujin."
"Raijin!" said Rinoa, with a smirk on her face.
"Okay," said Selphie. "That just leaves…Zell, you're Xu, I'll be Matron, and Quisty will be Nida. Okay?"
Everyone nodded. Each then started wandering in their own thoughts, beginning to craft the personalities they would apply to their "characters".
"Okay, here's where we'll start," said Selphie. "Rinoa's in her dorm room, and Squall comes to meet her for breakfast. The rest of us are in the cafeteria and…oh, let's make it take place a few years ago, when most of us were in Quisty's class, but this time, Squall's still commander, and Irvy's here. Got that?"
Everyone blinked for a few seconds. "Okay, I think," said Quistis. Everyone else gave their agreement.
"All righty!" said Selphie, switching on the recorder. "Let's go!"
VVV
Rinoa sat on her bed, slouching with her elbows on her knees. She wasn't entirely bored, but she was just sitting and thinking about every possible thing she could. She spent so much time thinking because she just couldn't get along with people.
Just as she started contemplating a battle maneuver she'd invented earlier that week, there was a knock at her door. Before she could even think of getting up to open it, it burst open and Squall entered.
"Hi, Rinny! I haven't seen you since…an hour ago! I missed you!" He pouted and started sniffling.
VVV
"Hey!" said Rinoa. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Are ya reading something into it?" asked Zell, smirking. "I'm just being Squall's opposite!"
"SSHHHHH guys!" shushed Selphie. "Keep going!" She cleared her throat.
VVV
"Yeah, whatever," replied Rinoa, looking at Squall with a blank expression on her face.
Squall, switching from pouty to bubbly, squealed, "Come on, Rinny, let's get some grub!"
Rinoa looked at him for a second, one eyebrow raised. Finally, she shrugged and said, "I can't come up with a good excuse, so okay."
"YAAAYYY!" shouted Squall, jumping up and down for joy. Rinoa simply rolled her eyes and stood. She put her forehead in her hand, shook her head, and walked out of the room and into the corridor.
"Ughhh…Rinny?" grunted Squall. "Can you take my gunblade for me? It's kinda heavy." He gripped the hilt with two shaky hands, slowly lifted it out of his belt, and handed it to her.
"Whatever," Rinoa replied, taking the weapon in one hand.
"Oof," gasped Squall. "That thing sure is heavy." He wiped a healthy amount of sweat from his brow.
Rinoa, on the other hand, held it easily in one hand and waved it in front of her with the deftness of a master swordswoman. "Nah," she said, "it's kinda light."
"Careful!" exclaimed Squall, dodging the blade. "I'll get hurt!" His clumsy dodging caused him to trip over his own feet and fall to the floor, landing on his buttocks.
Rinoa sheathed the sword under her blue duster, grimacing at Squall's inelegance.
VVV
"You're being mean!" Rinoa accused. "That's supposed to be me, isn't it?"
"Rin, we're supposed to be having fun, right? Besides, we don't think you're like that, do we guys?" Zell said.
Everybody shook their heads emphatically, with an "Of course not!" or two thrown in.
"See?" Zell held his hands, each clutching a hot dog, out wide in a signal of surrender.
"Okay, okay, sorry, guys." Rinoa crossed her legs. "My part's coming up soon, anyway. At least, I hope it is." She winked at Quistis.
"Well then," Irvine said. "I'll take the lead here."
VVV
Meanwhile, Zell, Irvine, Selphie, and Quistis were in the cafeteria, eating their lunch together at one of the tables.
Quistis stuffed the last half of a hot dog into her mouth and swallowed it whole. Seconds later, she let out a belch so loud that it rattled the silverware on nearby tables.
She looked down at her plate, seeing two hot dogs left. "Hey, Zell, I'm full. Want my last hot dogs?" She slid it over toward him.
Zell's face tightened up as he turned away. "Blechh! Hot dogs? Get them away from me! Don't you know I'm a vegetarian?" He pushed the plate back toward Quistis.
VVV
"That was…a little gross," Quistis said, trying to stifle a smile.
"Heh, heh, s' preffy fummy," Zell said through a mouthful of hot dog.
"Zell, swallow that! Your turn's coming up again!" Selphie crossed her arms.
Zell grabbed his can of soda and downed the rest of it, taking the hot dogs with it. He burst into a coughing fit, during which Selphie and Rinoa, sitting opposite him, barely dodged being covered with bits of chewed hot dog and potato chips. Quistis and Irvine, on either side of him, patted him on the back. After a second, Zell coughed, "I'm okay." Then, clearing his throat, he began.
VVV
Selphie's arms were crossed cough cough on the table and her eyes drooped, half-closed. "Man, I'm tired," she cough, achhemsaid, raising her head and achhem, cough looking over at Irvine.
VVV
"You sure you're okay?" Rinoa asked, wiping a bit of hot dog bun off her sleeve with a napkin.
Zell cleared his throat one more time, loudly enough to echo in the new night. "I'm fine," he said. "Anyway…"
VVV
Irvine was looking back at her, grimacing, as if he expected her to sneeze on him at any moment. "Irvy?" Selphie continued, "Can we go to bed?" She winked at him, her eye taking a few seconds to re-open.
Irvine pushed himself away from the table in disgust. "Ewww…no! I stay away from…from…girls! They're, like, so different from us! Cooties!" He jumped out of his chair and ran toward the exit.
Selphie sighed and laid her head back on the table. Quistis looked at her with her brows furrowed and a smirk on her lips. "Jeez, Selphie, you sure look tired. I'll see about getting you a rank or two for your efforts. NOT!" Quistis laughed evilly, throwing her head back for effect.
She glanced back at Selphie when she noticed she wasn't getting any retort; Selphie was snoring. Quistis belched a loud curse at the sleeping beauty.
VVV
"Tee-hee, 'sleeping beauty'," Selphie muttered, casting a glance at Irvine. She found him and Quistis glaring at each other.
"Okay, pal," Quistis grumbled, "I'm gonna get you for that!"
"Oooh, a challenge. Well, bring it on, Quisty," retorted Irvine. He wiggled his eyebrows at her.
"Guys!" Selphie interjected. "This is supposed to be fun! Besides, Squall and Rinny should be arriving any second now, hint, hint…"
VVV
Just then, Rinoa arrived in the cafeteria, Squall skipping along beside her. Rinoa picked up her food at the counter and headed for the table where Quistis, Zell, and Selphie sat.
"Hey, Rinny! What am I gonna eat?" Squall whined, getting angry stares from nearly everyone in the cafeteria.
Rinoa sighed theatrically and said, "Your arms broken? Pick something and get it over here, dork!"
Squall pouted and said, "Okay."
Rinoa walked up to Selphie, still snoozing at the table. "Hey," she said, kicking Selphie on the shoulder.
Selphie's eyes fluttered open as she caught herself from falling out of her chair. She snorted and said, "Huh?"
"Sleep somewhere else. Move it or lose it."
Selphie shrugged and stood up. "Okay. I guess I'll go find Irvy. Gonna get me some, if ya know what I mean." She dragged her feet as if her boots were filled with lead, heading toward the exit.
Rinoa looked at a small puddle of drool that Selphie had left on the table. Grunting, she said, "Hey, get over here, stupid!"
"Coming!" said Seifer, who had been sitting on the floor, eating dust bunnies.
VVV
"Eating…dust bunnies?" Quistis asked.
"Well, can you picture him doing that in real life?" Rinoa said.
"Well, no, I suppose not."
"Then the Seifer in this story was sitting on the floor eating dust bunnies!" She giggled. "Where was I?"
VVV
Seifer rushed over and said, "Yes, Miss Rinoa?"
"Wipe that up," she commanded.
"Yes, ma'am!" Seifer said. He wiped the drool up with his sleeve. "Good as new!"
"Whatever," said Rinoa, sitting in the adjacent seat that had been vacated by Irvine.
"Ooh, I get to sit next to Rinny-poo!" squeaked Squall as he rushed to take the seat next to Rinoa, the one occupied by Selphie only moments before. Rinoa ignored him and began eating her lunch.
Zell scanned the room, grimacing at every hot dog he saw. Nearly everyone there had at least two. "Man, I wish they didn't have so many hot dogs," he said, taking a bite of lettuce from his plate and casting a glance at the hot dogs on Rinoa and Squall's plates. "Maybe more salads would do them good."
Rinoa ignored him as she munched on her food. Quistis likewise ignored him, instead looking at something on her lap, underneath the table. Every few seconds, she licked her lips.
VVV
"Hold it. Just what am I doing there?" Quistis said. "If you're going to say something dirty, Irvine…"
"No, no, no," Irvine said, raising his hands. "I'm keeping this totally kid-friendly." He cursed inwardly.
"Okay, so what am I doing then?" Quistis folded her arms, a smile creeping up the corners of her mouth.
"Uh…we'll just skip that part. Who's next?"
Zell raised his hand and finished another swig of soda.
VVV
Squall, on the other hand, had hung on Zell's every word. "You think so? Hmmm…maybe what we can do is…"
Everyone, even Zell, groaned as Squall launched into a long, boring monologue about salads and methods by which all of Garden could be converted to vegetarianism. He seemed perfectly oblivious to the hot dogs on his plate that he himself had chosen.
Rinoa shook her head and clenched her teeth as Squall's high-pitched droning continued for what seemed like hours. Her forehead began to turn red. Finally, after Squall uttered the word "cucumber" for the tenth time, Rinoa shouted, "Squall! Shut up!"
Squall stopped in mid-sentence and whipped his head around toward Rinoa, his eyes beginning to tear up. He whimpered an apology, but it was too slurred to be comprehensible. Rinoa looked away again, disinterested in his sniveling, as she continued thumbing through the Weapons Monthly magazine she'd grabbed at the counter.
Just then, Irvine ran back into the cafeteria, his arms waving in the air. "Aaaaaugh! Selphie, get away from me! You're totally grossing me out!"
Selphie emerged from the corridor a few seconds later, trudging across the floor, coughing and wheezing. "But we were…meant to be together, baby! You're…you're running too fast!"
VVV
"Man, this is getting weird!" said Irvine stifling a belly laugh.
"Yeah, but it's fun!" Selphie replied, taking a bite of a hot dog. "What next?"
"Well, the cafeteria's getting a little old. If I'm your Instructor in the story, how about 'Later, in class…'?" Quistis asked.
"Hey, yeah!" said Zell.
"Well, then," said Rinoa. "Let's go."
Irvine gave a smirking grin.
VVV
Later, in class…
Quistis propped her feet up on her desk and kicked off her shoes, breaking a computer screen with one and nearly hitting a student in the head with the other. "Okay, listen." Quistis cleared her throat, letting out another quick belch. "You guys get an A, all right? You guys all pass, ok? Now shut up and let me look at my nudie magazines." She opened one, entitled Winhill Warriors, turned it sideways, and gave a big smile. "Oh, yeah, you can chain me up with that," she muttered, not quite quietly enough to avoid being overheard.
One student, a member of the Anti-Trepies, said, "Man, I hate her. She is such a bitch!"
"Hey!" shouted Quistis. "I heard that!" She pulled off one of her socks and threw it at the student, hitting him squarely on his face. The student's eyes crossed and he passed out onto the floor, landing with a heavy thud. Quistis calmly went back to ogling her magazine.
VVV
Quistis had stared at Irvine during the whole narration. "Oh, you're really gonna get it now, cowboy!"
Irvine snickered at Quistis' threat. "I bet."
"Guys. Story! Remember?" Rinoa hissed.
VVV
Seifer walked up to Zell, his hands behind his back. "Hey, Zell!" he said. "How are you today? Are you good?"
Zell grumbled and said, "Shut up and go away, chicken wuss."
Seifer's eyes lit up as his fists clenched. "Don't call me that!"
From the front of the room, Quistis shouted, "Hey, I said shut up!" She pulled off her other sock and threw it at Seifer. Seifer dodged it and it sailed past him, slapped against the back window of the room. It stuck there for a moment and then started sliding down, leaving a trail of green on the clear glass.
VVV
Quistis growled at Irvine, who simply winked at her. Rinoa sighed.
VVV
Seifer, defeated, sat back down at his terminal.
Irvine sat at his own terminal, using it to make images of kittens, flowers, and chibi-styled ponies and moombas. As he was putting the finishing touches on one particularly cutesy kitten, Selphie sidled up to him.
"Hey, Irvy," she yawned. "Whatcha doin'?"
Irvine looked at her nervously and slid away a few inches. "I'm uh, making pictures for my website, the one I'm making for the Garden Festival. I like kitties and stuff, they're cool. And Moombas are, you know, cute and stuff too."
Selphie rubbed her eyes and squinted at the screen. "I like guns better, myself. But you know what's cuter than moombas?" Irvine shook his head. "You, silly!" She tried to kiss him, but he slid off the seat and she ended up kissing his desk.
"Guns are all dirty and icky," Irvine said. "And I don't like kissing girls! You know I only like kissing boys!"
VVV
"Hey hey hey hey," Irvine said, shooting to his feet. "That's just hitting below the belt."
"It's no worse than what you were doing with me," Quistis said. "Besides, isn't this portrayal supposed to be the opposite of you? Are you saying that I'm not being the opposite of you?"
"You…uh, well," Irvine stammered, sitting back down. "I…I guess…it's…Hell yes it's opposite!"
"Well, then shut up and let me finish," Quistis said with a smile.
VVV
Irvine continued, "You know that I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys!"
VVV
"Okay, come on now," Irvine said. "I surrender, okay?" He put his hands up.
"Perhaps the best surrender of all time," Quistis said, tilting her head back with a smirk. "Now where was I? Oh yeah…"
VVV
"Oh yeah, before I forget, you wanna help with the Garden Festival, Selphie?" Irvine asked.
Selphie pushed herself up and stuck out her tongue. "Ugh, no. I wouldn't be caught dead with those losers. That is, unless you wanted to do some naughty stuff with me after we're done, underneath the stage…" She puckered her lips for another kiss attempt.
"Ewwww! No, Selphie! I'd never…"
"Shut up, dammit!" Quistis threw a paperweight from her desk. It struck Irvine in the forehead, knocking him out cold. He slumped onto his desk.
"Yes!" Selphie cheered. She planted a large wet kiss on Irvine's slack lips, then pulled back with surprise. "Huh?" said Selphie. "A nap? Sure, ok." She laid her head down and fell asleep next to her stalking victim.
VVV
"Hey, why did you do that?" asked Quistis. "I thought you surrendered."
"You were getting way too goofy," said Irvine.
"Huh," said Quistis. "You can dish it out, but you just can't take it."
"Hey, guys!" said Selphie. "You can fight later! Let's keep going!" Before Zell could speak up, she muttered, "'Stalking victim'?"
VVV
At that moment, the PA chimes filled the room. Then Squall's voice came through, "Heyyyy, this is for all you cool SeeDs out there!" He started singing, "At the Copa, Copacabana! The hottest spot south of Trabia! At the…"
Cid's voice broke in, "Gimme that, you stupid son of a…"
The PA went silent. Everyone in the classroom gave a sigh of relief, except for Seifer, who'd been grooving to the song. "Awww…" he said, just before another object flew from Quistis's desk and struck him in the head. He collapsed unconscious into his seat.
That moment, on the bridge…
Cid paced in front of Squall, muttering curses under his breath. Finally, he snarled, "That's it, you moron, that's the last goddamn straw. You're fired! I regret the day I made you Commander!"
Squall sniffled and looked down at his boots. "Nobody likes me," he whined. "Everybody hates me." With that, he spun around and leapt off the bridge. A few seconds later, there was a thump. After a heartbeat, they heard a familiar voice cry, "Owiee!"
Rinoa rolled her eyes and said, "Idiot."
Cid turned to Rinoa. He looked down at her breasts and, without looking up, said, "Rinoa, I'm making you Commander of SeeD. You're the toughest leader at Garden, anyway."
Rinoa could plainly see that Cid was speaking to her breasts. However, she didn't really care. It wasn't as if she'd gone out of her way to either hide them or show them off.
VVV
"Wait, what?" Rinoa asked. She stared at Selphie who simply shrugged. Rinoa turned to Zell. "Any chance I can trade you Selphie's part?"
"Dunno, it's kinda fun," Zell said.
"Can I just do the next time she comes up, then?" Rinoa asked.
"What?" Selphie asked. "It's not my fault! Irvy said it first!"
"What?" Rinoa said, shooting a murderous gaze at Irvine.
Irvine cleared his throat. "Well, you know, you wear that tight shirt and all, but you, you know, cover up with that jacket...just hard not to notice," Irvine said. He winked at her, and she responded by throwing a hot dog at him, hitting him squarely in the chest.
"Hey! How can ya treat a hot dog like that?" Zell said. "Wha'd it ever do to you?"
"C'mon, guys!" Selphie said. "Lemme finish! Anyway…"
VVV
Rinoa's boobs…
VVV
"No!" Rinoa and Quistis shouted simultaneously.
"Yes!" Irvine shouted. When he saw all eyes on him, he said, "I mean…maybe!"
"Just kidding guys, sheesh!" Selphie said.
VVV
Shrugging her shoulders, Rinoa said, "Whatever," and stepped onto the bridge lift.
As the lift descended, Cid took a sip from his coffee cup. He spat the brown liquid onto the floor and hurled the cup toward the far wall, smashing it in a shower of ceramic and decaffeinated coffee. "Where the hell are those two with my Balamb Brew?"
Rinoa walked up to Squall. He jumped up, balancing on one foot. His other leg was limp, just tucked up underneath him so his foot didn't touch the ground. He clenched that leg in his hands and said, "It hurts…"
Rinoa crossed her arms. "Bet you won't do that again, huh?"
Squall sniffled again and replied, "No. Will you kiss it and make it better, Rinny-poo?"
"No," said Rinoa, heading for the main elevator. Squall started hopping after her.
Before they could get to the elevator its doors slid open to reveal Fujin and Raijin. Great, Rinoa thought. These two.
"Like, hey! How are you two totally doing?" Fujin asked.
Rinoa rolled her eyes. However, Squall hopped toward her and said, "Hiya Fuu!" He and Fujin exchanged some complex secret handshake that lasted for three minutes.
After he could wait no longer, Raijin said, "Goodness Fujin, must you perform this esoteric ritual every time you and Commander Leonhart encounter each other?" He shook the paper bag he carried in one hand. "In case you fail to recall, we have an appointment."
"He's ex-Commander," Rinoa said. "I'm Commander now."
Raijin arched an eyebrow. "I see…"
"Hey Fuu, what's with your eyepatch?" Squall asked.
Fujin fingered the pastel-colored flower covering her right eye. "Huh? Oh yeah, eyepatches are, like, so totally out this season. It's eye pasties now!"
"It's soooo pretty!" Squall said and started squealing. Fujin joined in, and both skipping around each other like hyperactive schoolgirls, Squall's "injured" leg apparently completely forgotten. Raijin hung his head and sighed. Rinoa watched for a few seconds, and then finally smacked Squall across the head when he neared her.
"Ow!" Squall said, rubbing his head. He started sniffling. "Why'dja do that Rinny?"
"To take your mind off your sore leg," Rinoa said.
Squall looked down at his leg, then back up at Rinoa, then back down at his leg. "Oh yeah." He immediately hopped onto his "bad" leg, grabbing the other.
"Other leg," Rinoa sighed.
"Oops!" Squall said, swapping legs. "Owwwwwwieeee," he murmured. He turned to Fujin. "Rinny wouldn't kiss it and make it better."
"Aww, I'll kiss it!" Fujin said. She bent down and kissed Squall's knee five times in different spots. "All better?"
Squall looked at Rinoa, then back to Fujin. He pouted. "A little, I guess."
Fujin squealed and started jumping in place. "He likes me! He likes me! He's gonna marry me! He likes me!"
"For the love of Hyne, will you squealing pigs shut the hell up?"
All seven eyes were drawn to the bridge above them and saw Cid staring down at them, his arms crossed.
"Apologies, Headmaster," Raijin said. "We're on our way up now. Let us go, Fujin. You and Com…ex-Commander Leonhart may paint each other's toenails at a later occasion."
"Yay!" Fujin squealed, and started skipping alongside Raijin as he walked toward the lift. She waved at Squall. "'Bye, Squally! See ya later!"
"'Bye Fujie!" Squall waved back.
"Why don't you follow her around for a while and stop bugging me?" Rinoa asked, frowning at him.
"Fujin's fun and all, but I looooove you!" He made kissing noises toward her.
Rinoa rolled her eyes. "I hate my life." She continued toward the elevator, Squall walking closely behind her.
"Leg," Rinoa said.
Squall stopped walking and started hopping on one foot, clutching the other.
"Other leg," Rinoa said, her teeth clenched. Squall switched legs just as they entered the elevator.
VVV
By now, Irvine, Quistis, and Rinoa were rolling on the ground laughing, their earlier spats long forgotten. Selphie and Zell, who had been trying hard to keep their composure as they finished the last part of the story, started cracking up, too. In his paroxysms, Zell was unable to finish the last gag where Squall lost his balance and fell onto Rinoa.
"Man, this is just the funniest thing I've ever heard!" said Irvine, wiping a tear out of his eye.
Rinoa was clutching her stomach and laughing so hard that her face had turned red.
"Y-yeah," said Selphie in between guffaws. "Looks like everyone's finally gotten into it, too!"
"T-that's 'cause…that's 'cause," Rinoa tried between laughing fits, "that's 'cause it finally stopped being about my boobs!" They all laughed for another five minutes, their shared fit of giggles becoming a self-sustaining chain reaction. Eventually they finally calmed down enough to catch their breath.
"Man, we are goofy as hell," said Zell, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Yeah, whod'a thunk it?" Selphie stretched out her arms and gave a little yawn.
"Hey, was that a…yawn?" asked Rinoa.
"It sure was," said Zell. "This thing's getting too real!"
Irvine leaned toward Selphie. "You know, I can help restore that energy of yours." He winked twice.
Quistis shook her head. "Not all that real."
In unison, Selphie and Rinoa said, "Ewwwww, cooties!" as Selphie shoved Irvine away.
Everyone broke out in a fit of laughter again, except for Irvine, who mocked an expression of hurt.
"Seriously, though," said Quistis, checking her watch, "it is getting kind of late. How about we come back tomorrow night and keep going?"
Everyone gave their agreement. Smiling widely, Selphie switched off the tape recorder. "Well then, g'night everybody!"
Author's Note: This is something I first wrote a couple years ago, not long after the forum thread in question passed on to obscurity. It has absolutely nothing to do with any of my other FFVIII fics, aside from the fact that both Seifer and Rinoa are now SeeDs. I've edited and released it now so I could temporarily take my mind off "Love Beyond Death Part II" and the original stories on which I'm working, so I can come back to them with some fresh ideas and a clearer head. Plus, it just helps to be completely silly every now and then.
While this is listed as Chapter 1, I will probably only add more chapters if there is enough interest from the community. That means you! So, if you want to see more of "Role Reversal", write a review and let me know!