So I've finally gotten around to writing some Supernatural stories. It's not like its taken me six season or anything. *uncomfortable cough* Anyways, go forth and enjoy! Disclaimer- Maybe the Winchesters could summon a Crossroads demon...
Sometimes, Sam thinks.
Actually, that's not true. Sam is always thinking, no matter where he is or what the subject. But sometimes, late at night, when Dean is asleep and the world is quiet, Sam lay awake in his bed, and with no distractions, he thinks.
It starts off innocently enough - At least innocently enough as it can get for a Winchester. It starts off and he's thinking about the demon they're hunting, or wondering where Castiel is before remembering that, oh yeah, Cas is on his mission to find God, and the demon they're hunting is one of thousands that the apocalypse has brought.
And from there, his thoughts only spiral downwards.
He thinks about the sheer size of the apocalypse, and he thinks that he was the one who broke the final seal, and he thinks about how his entire thing is all his fault.
He remembers Ruby, and he remembers Meg, and as he goes further and further into the depths of his mind, he also remembers Jess and Azazel, and he remembers the demon blood he has coursing through his veins, and he remembers what a freak he is.
Most of the time, Sam keeps himself distracted, just enough.
But sometimes, Sam thinks.
oOo
Sometimes, Dean feels.
Sometimes, when he's alone, or in a bar late at night when Sam is at the motel they're staying at for the night, or even when he's driving a lonely stretch of road in the Impala, and everything is perfectly, impossibly quiet, he feels.
Sure, he feels most of the time; he feels the steering wheel in his hand, feels the freezing cold night air, and he feels the leather of his father's favorite jacket that has smoothed with the help of time and wear, but it's not often that he feels like this.
It's not often that he feels like every demon he's ever met was right in what they say about him. How they say that he's useless, how everyone would be better off without him, and how it's his fault that everyone he knows leaves him in the end; Mom, Dad, Sammy, Ellen, Jo, Castiel, everyone.
Most of the time, Dean ignores those feelings of uselessness, of helplessness, of being absolutely powerless.
But sometimes, Dean feels.
oOo
Sometimes, Castiel wonders.
Usually he keeps his priorities straight. Do this, stop that, protect Sam and Dean, kill Lucifer. But sometimes, Castiel does wonder.
And not just in his normal way of wondering what Dean is referencing, or why his cell phone want him to say his name, or if he's keeping the correct boundaries of personal space, but he wonders about the important stuff. He wonders, questions even, why he's helping the Winchesters. Why he's sacrificed everything for a group of sinful humans. He wonders just what the point is; all this fighting, what will it ever amount to? He wonders if any of this is worth the price he's paid - His exile from Heaven, being rejected by his brethren, losing nearly all his faith in God, and having almost everything that makes him an angel ripped from him.
Most of the time, Castiel is an obidient soldier.
Sometimes, Castiel wonders.
So that happened. Like I said, first Supernatural fic, so feel free to tell me what you thought of it! Even if you don't leave a review, thanks for taking the time to read this! Either way, have a fantastic day, and DFTBA!