As I Watch My Walls Descend
A Destiel Tragedy
Written by OpheliacAngel
Song featured is Milla Jovovich's "Rocket Collecting"
I look at you and you look at me. And I'm so afraid. There's nowhere else I would rather be than here with you right now. But I'm a monster. And I'm afraid that your love for me will kill you nice and slowly. Your eyes penetrate straight through me and there is so much light. You heal the core of me and I am afraid. All the darkness is taken away from me by your light. But it always comes back to take me under. It always comes back to take you away from me.
"I will never let you fall, Dean. I love you. Why can't you understand that?"
I am wounded and I am rusting. I've been drowning for centuries and I can barely feel the water rising up above me anymore. I've been told I'm evil. I know I'm evil. There's no way you can fix me sweet angel. I'm not worth your time. I'm not worth your love. You can't fix me because I'm not broken. There is no light no love strong enough to annihilate the ever deepening darkness that descends down upon me. I am falling and you fell for me but you don't know what it's like.
Rocket collecting dust
Hidden from all memory
Bathed in outrage and rust
Waiting for you and me
To own it
My soul is sitting in my body nearly dead. Rusting. And only you can see it. Only you can bring it to life once more. You can own me. You can have me. But if you possess me you'll want to give me back because I am bathed in evil. I can't stop myself from killing. I can't stop the blood from flowing out of my soul. You pierce my heart and it feels so nice. But you claim you can fix me. I'm still breaking. I'm still being neglected. But please don't put me back on the decaying shelf again.
Watch as you douse the ceiling
Light up all the evil dreams
Till they ignite screaming into the night
And we run away clean
I watch you as you take away my nightmares. You kill them with angelic power and light as bright and fierce as a raging fire. You make my demons scream and flee me. And I run and fly away in your arms. Healed for the time being. And protected. So very protected. I tell you to drop me though because my monster will take you down with me. Please let me go, Cas. Please there's no need to save me. You come to me time after time. And your bright blue eyes show the good in me. But there is nothing good left in me. I fear.
I wish I was half electronic
The last shreds of skin are in the sweet sunlight
And I've turned into this smiling, snarling monster
As I watch the walls descend
As I watch the walls descend like stars
I wish I was half electronic. So then I could be programmed to know how to love you. The last bit of humanity I have in me is being sheltered by you. Is being sheltered in your angelic and perfect light. I am now a monster. Smiling at you but hating myself for loving you. Cause I have no right to love a perfect soul. A perfect being. I watch my life and humanity crash down on top of me to haunt me and kill me. The monster inside me will come out soon and I dread it with every good thing still left inside of me. The monster inside watches me. Eyes watching me like bright and evil stars. I wish I was half worthy enough to feel good loving you.
Half submersed
I reach your island at night
Washed up tangles on these stones
A gorgeous wreck crashing
I am drowning slowly and steadily every day. But I reach you and I look at your profound beauty. And you put the pieces of me back together as best you possibly can. And you call me beautiful so beautiful. And say you will do whatever it takes to fix me. But I crash and crash over and over. You pull me back up and I scream at you to let me go. Just let me go. Cause the monster is coming out now. And I think he likes you too much. Run Cas Run. I scream. But even if you hear me you stay near me. Because you love me. And I can't stop smiling.
To lay here for the next 600 years
The storm will play out there for miles on every side
So tell me who's got the dominoes
But you'll have to leave your lightning outside
I want to lie with you for all eternity my angel. While evil plays out all around us unable to touch us. Cause you prevent it from doing so. You will always protect me. Who holds the monster inside of me back? Please don't confront it with your angelic power. I don't it to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. But it's already too late for me. And my walls are descending so quickly right now. I can't breathe. I drown completely and your hand reaches down to save me. But I don't take it as the monster takes me. Don't come after me, Cas. Please no don't come after me. I see you fly closer and you try to put the blood back inside of me. But it's all already out. You hold me and I can feel the monster holding back for just a few moments. To let us say goodbye for the very last time. But you won't let me go. You tell me you love me and I'm afraid to tell you. Cause I know I cannot stay with you. The monster won't let me. But I tell you anyway. I tell you anyway as I watch my walls descend for the last time.
"No, no you cannot leave me. You hear me! You can't take him! You can't have my Dean!"
He watches the man who he was supposed to save let go of him with such a stunning finality. He grasps onto his fingers, holds them tight and kisses them. He won't let go of him. Not like this. Not ever like this. But he realizes now what he has never realized before. If he kills the monster he kills him. Either way he cannot have him. He gives his human the last good thing he can. He stabs the monster in its withered heart and it dies. It dies in an explosion of pitch black light. He grabs hold of the human and pulls him up out of death, to hold him one last time. His eyes are already dead, the last remaining green overwhelmed by gray lifelessness. There are splatters of blood on his face, and he wipes them away. The angel can barely make out the last whisper uttered as it surrounds him then dies down to nothing but a distant echo. I love... Who Dean? Who do you love? Love you... I love you. He can't let go yet, just like his human can't quite let go of him yet. Castiel pulls him out of the ashes to look through him. Inside him.
The weeds reach the top of the trees
Death reaches down to claim his human.
"Don't you understand. We were supposed to be together forever. You were supposed to stay with me. I was supposed to save you from yourself. I have failed you."
Their eyes both gaze up at the stars before the angel let's go of his hunter to descend into the darkness himself. And the walls close around him.
FIN