You're Despicable Because I Love You
by the Lovely Lucinda

Disclaimer: It's all J.K. Rowling's: if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be writing this...

Chapter one:
Birds of a Feather

"Potter!"

Ah, music to my ears: for, hark! That is the call of the rare bird Evansannoyedius, a very beautiful specimen indeed. And it just so happens that this particular Evansannoyedius is marching down the stairs of the girls dormitory holding a crumpled piece of paper, her vivid red hair literally smoking at the tips as it curls around her face. Her robes were rather burnt at the edges, and her beautiful face was contorted with rage as she barreled across the room, heading straight for me.

Oh, dear. I'm sensing that I'll be a little delayed in getting to breakfast this morning.
Maybe some macho suaveness will help the situation.

"Morning Evans." I said, in as suave macho manner I as can possibly muster. My voice was deeper than usually and my face was illuminated attractively by the morning sunlight (I should know because I can see my reflection in the window...And I look good!). "Something the matter?" At this my left eyebrow raises in a quizzical yet strikingly dashing manner (it took me ages to perfect that move).

The beautiful, no, make that drop-dead-to-die-for-goregous-incredibly-witty-and-intelligent-love-of-my-life-who-hates-my-guts 16 year old girl who stood fuming (literally) in front of me, spat on the floor.

Meet Lily Evans: the girl of my dreams. Funny, intelligent, hates me with a passion, and incredibly gorgeous. She was tall, but not taller than me, with long slender legs that were hard not to look at when classes got boring. Her thick red hair was all one length and reached her shoulders, where the ends curled attractively. She had almond shaped green eyes that during classes were interested and focused, but now seemed to be shooting daggers at me.

"Don't give me any of your "Morning Evans", you despicable egotistical moron!" The lovely, and yet oh so feisty girl said. Around us other students were heading down to breakfast. I tried to look not completely starved as I spoke to Evans.

"What's wrong? Did the baby get up on the wrong side of the bed?" I asked, in a mock-baby voice, casually rumpling my black hair so that it was (I thought) attractively messy.

Evans stomped her foot loudly on the floor. "Aargh!" She yelled. "Potter, I hate you! You bloody well know what's wrong! You're the one who sent me that letter in the first place! That letter with the stupid message that said that your passion for me is like a 'raging fire!' That stupid letter that you charmed to burst into fire in some delusional expression of your feelings of your bloody love for me, but really it just caught my hair on fire so that now I look like some kind of deranged monster from hell!" She crossed her arms, glaring furiously at me.

Beside me, lounging on the sofa, Padfoot muttered "I like deranged monsters from hell..." I kicked his shin. He was obviously not going to be of help in this situation.

Standing up, so that she could better see all glorious six feet, two inches of me, I smiled charmingly (I thought) at Evans. "Sorry to hear that you didn't like my metaphorical visualization of my deep passion for you." Honestly though, I was surprised. I thought it had been a good idea. Even Peter thought it was good.

Evans smiled back at me. I felt my stomach drop out. Wow, is she gorgeous. She stepped closer to me, twisting a lock of her fiery hair around a finger.

"Is that really how you feel about me, Potter?" She asked sweetly, leaning in closely to me. I almost fell over out of surprise: suddenly all my dreams were coming true. Lily Evans was standing close in front of me, and she wasn't shouting! In her face, her eyes seemed to glint with some hidden emotion, undoubtedly her deep affection for me.

Dumbly I nodded at her. I seemed to have swallowed my tongue in shock.

"Well," Evans continued softly, "Then let me tell you how I feel about you." She reached seductively inside her robes. My eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. Then in a bang and a flash of bright light I found myself hanging upside down ten feet above the floor.

Sirius, along with everyone else in the common room, burst out laughing as they watched me struggling in the air trying to pull my robes up around my Tweety boxers. I glanced over at the common room door and saw Evans marching into the hall, a triumphant expression on her face as she tucked her wand back into her pocket.

A/N: So, what did you think? Was it good, bad, funny, dumb? This is my first fanfic ever, so any comments would be deeply appreciated! I am so excited to have finally posted a story! Please, please R&R!

--Lucinda