Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Hello, Goodbye" by The Beatles (for this episode only)
SEASON 1
EPISODE 8
Airdate: December 30, 2012
Title: Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013
Homage To Classic TV: None (Year In Review instead)
Special Guest Stars: Owl City as Himself, Carly Rae Jepsen as Herself, Avicii as Himself, Calvin Harris as Himself, Matt Vasgersian as Himself, Tom Kenny as The French Narrator
Satire: Perception of Times Square on New Year's Eve, impact Dick Clark has had on the holiday
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Jake Bitterman, storyboarded by Craig Hodgkins, directed by Walt Dohrn
("Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen playing on the car stereo)
(It is December 30. New Year's Eve is 24 hours away, and in two days, 2013 will begin. RK is driving in his new 2013 Kia Optima, which he had to buy after his other car was chopped to pieces by Madden-loving fools in Calgary. RK is singing "Call Me Maybe", but he can't hold a tune. RK parks his car in the driveway of the Jennings household and gets out.)
RK: Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, missed you so bad, missed you so, so, bad….
(RK opens the door where the other boys are. In honor of the Sandy Hook Elementary School victims, RK is wearing an "SH" patch on his shirt and an "SH" armband. Sparky, Buster, and Wade are doing the same. Wade made them himself.)
RK: Hey kids.
SPARKY AND WADE: Hey.
RK: Where's Buster?
SPARKY: In the bathroom.
RK: I hope my baby isn't in pain in there.
WADE: So, I'm just going to assume you find everything Buster does sexy, right?
SPARKY: Hey, a commercial for New Year's Rockin' Eve!
ANNOUNCER: ABC presents the New Year's extravaganza live from Times Square in New York City! Performers include Carly Rae Jepsen, Neon Trees, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Greyson Chance, The Wanted, and PSY! (somber) Plus, a two-hour retrospective on the late Dick Clark. (excited again) So, get off your butt and ring in 2013 with the most electrifying New Year's show the world has ever seen! The fun begins at 8:00 PM EST tomorrow night!
WADE: This year just won't be a good New Year's Eve show, since Dick Clark died.
RK: Wade, even though Dick Clark meant a lot to us and a lot of other people…
SPARKY: I really didn't know much about him until he died.
RK: We should still watch it. I mean, it's on ABC. ABC ALWAYS has the best New Year's Eve show! (makes a saluting gesture) I'm going to bleed ABC on December 31. That's my New Year's assignment…Wait, did I just say assignment?
(RK looks at the kitchen table)
RK: Oh, sweet Jesus!
(RK runs to the kitchen while Sparky and Wade stare at him, not understanding what's going on)
WADE: What's the problem?
RK: MY HOLIDAY ASSIGNMENTS…ARE NOT DONE YET!
(sad music plays)
SPARKY: Like Wade said, what's the problem?
RK: Don't you understand? I haven't done any of it yet!
WADE: Then just do it.
RK: You can't just DO it, Wade! This is a crapload of assignments. Teachers are nasty, repulsive individuals, who sit there with black coffee breath and ruin vacations with crazy homework! And there's a protocol.
SPARKY: What protocol, numbskull?
RK: Every kid knows you can't start holiday assignments after the 28th. That's just a foul in the unwritten playground law. If any kid we know finds out I waited until the 30th to do all this, they'll chase me into the park and beat me with sticks! I am NOT spending the last hours of 2012 buried in homework.
WADE: So you're just not going to do it?
RK: Are you CRAZY?! I can't go back to school not having done one math problem or one personal commentary. And I can't make it look like I did this the night before. They don't call me "Rushed RK" for nothing.
SPARKY: Well, you're gonna need a plan, RK. A system that will allow you to get everything done, and still enjoy New Year's.
RK: You're right, Sparks! Nobody bother me! I'm going to my room and work up a schedule!
(RK runs upstairs with the assignments)
WADE: Have you done your assignments yet?
SPARKY: I have one more personal commentary to go, but I can just finish it before I fly to New York tonight. How about you?
WADE: I started on the 22nd and finished on the 26th, I believe. And you're going to New York City? For what?
SPARKY: New Year's Eve.
WADE: You're spending New Year's Eve in Times Square? What about your boys?
SPARKY: Wade, going to Times Square for New Year's has been my lifelong dream. Other than pitching a cartoon show successfully. And I've been very responsible this year, so my parents HAD to give me $1,750.
WADE: $1,750? But you're only going by yourself.
SPARKY: No, I'm not. I'm taking Buster.
WADE: Sparky, Buster can't STAND Times Square on New Year's Eve. He even wrote an essay about how much he hates it. It was so well-done, I thought it was written by a college professor.
SPARKY: Well, the only thing better than NYC on December 31 is spending it with my best friend. He hates it NOW. But when I tell him, he'll be at his knees begging me to take him.
BUSTER: You really think that's the case, Sparko?
SPARKY: GAAAAHHHH! Oh, it's just Buster.
WADE: Smooth.
(Sparky punches Wade in the arm)
BUSTER: So the grapevine told me you're going to New York for New Year's Eve this year.
SPARKY: Buster, you heard me say it.
BUSTER: I know. I just wanted an excuse to use "grapevine." So even after everything I told you, you still want to go?
SPARKY: Buster, whenever you talk most of the time, I just pretend I have my headphones on. That's how I got through your Dew-mocracy craze. And I don't think Times Square sucks as much as you think it does.
BUSTER: Sparky, what intelligent person would go down to Manhattan for New Year's? There's nothing over there but drunks and child molesters.
SPARKY: But Sandusky wasn't there.
BUSTER: That's where he learned his ways. And Sparky, believe me, you'll be in jail on New Year's Day having drank way too much Alize and tongue-kissed Ellie Goulding. Now do you want to ring in 2013 at the mercy of the NYPD? They'll eat you alive!
SPARKY: Ellie Goulding's performing in Los Angeles.
BUSTER: See? You'll be so drunk you won't even know.
WADE: Cut Sparky some slack, Buster. People have come from all over the world to see the ball drop, and they turned out just fine.
BUSTER: Well, there's that.
WADE: Besides, you've done some stupid things in the past.
BUSTER: Oh yeah. Like that Little Caesars commercial I was in.
We cut away to a scene where Buster is at Little Caesars, buying a Hot and Ready Pizza. An old lady is getting her pizza from another employee.
WOMAN: Here's your Hot and Ready Pizza.
BUSTER: No calling? No waiting? (takes shirt off) THERE'S NO RULES!
GUY IN THE BACK: Put your shirt back on!
BUSTER: NO RULES, BITCH! YEAH! (Buster runs around, cheering)
GUY IN THE BACK: Buster, put your damn shirt back on!
BUSTER: (BLEEP) YOU, THERE'S NO RULES! ALL ABOARD! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Buster hits a CM Punk-style clothesline on the woman over the counter)
SPARKY: Buster, that commercial never aired because you didn't follow instructions.
BUSTER: Well, it's their fault. They actually let an eight-year-old take off his shirt? That's child pornography!
WADE: Good God.
SPARKY: It doesn't matter what you say, Buster. I'm going to New York.
BUSTER: Whatever, old friend. Go ahead. Head on over to Times Square for New Year's Eve. But are you SURE that's what you really want to do?
SPARKY: I'm not just sure, Buster. I'm HIV-positive.
WADE: You can't argue with AIDS jokes.
BUSTER: When the NYPD arrests you for drunken disorderly conduct and you get your one phone call, don't expect me to pick up!
(Buster leaves the house)
WADE: Don't worry, Sparko. You can always sell the ticket on Amazon. Huh? (Wade puts his hand on Sparky's shoulder, and Sparky never looks up) Selling tickets on Amazon? Maybe people might want to travel to NYC and need a ticket? Huh? Getting tickets at a reasonable price? Huh? Selling the ticket on Amazon sound good?
SPARKY: No chance in Hell, Wade. I'm getting Buster to go with me no matter what.
WADE: But how? He'll never be convinced.
SPARKY: Well, I'll just have to FORCE him into coming.
(Sparky has a devious look on his face as he leaves RK's house)
WADE: I have a bad feeling someone's gonna die.
SCENE 2
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK is thinking of ways to tackle his winter break assignments. It needs to not cut into his New Year's celebration, but get the work done as well.)
RK: OK. I need ideas. How can I create a schedule that works for ME? I need music. Things are so dull.
(RK puts a CD into his CD player. It's not labeled at all.)
RK: When things are tricky, you need to call the guys who know all about it.
("It's Tricky" by Run-DMC playing on the CD player)
Now that he has music, RK tries to think of ways he can make this work. He considers doing everything at once depending on the difficulty of the subject, but he dismisses it as too first-grade. RK considers doing one half of work now, and one half tomorrow. But that would cut into his New Year's celebration. At one point, RK stops planning, puts on a fedora and coat, and starts mouthing the lyrics to the song. Later, RK is at the table, not having solved his problem.
RK: Applebee's doesn't do this song justice. Not even Run-DMC could solve this problem. They usually solve everything. Maybe I should play "Peter Piper" instead.
(Mr. Tuxedo Pants comes in, meowing)
RK: Hello, Tuxy. You want a snack? Come on, let's get you a snack.
(RK and Mr. Tuxedo Pants leave the room)
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is finishing his personal commentary.
SPARKY: And that's why if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, why use sexting to send them your private parts when you can do it in person? Wow. I'm finished with all of my holiday homework. Sweet. OK, well I can get ready to head to the airport now. I hope Manny takes good care of Santa's Little Helper. There's a reason why I didn't leave him with Will.
(Will sneezes around Santa's Little Helper when Sparky brings him to his house)
SPARKY: So you can't take care of him? I'll be back on New Year's Day.
WILL: Sorry. Unlike LPC, Santa's Little Helper is NOT hypoallergenic. Besides, T.D. gets really jealous when I pet-sit other pets.
SPARKY: He's a goldfish! And what does T.D. even stand for?
WILL: Nothing. I just like the name.
(Will closes the door)
SPARKY: Stupid (bleep) dominant/recessive trait shit. (Bleep) this, this is just (bleep) gay as (bleep) hell.
(Sparky's cellphone rings. His ringtone is "Run's House" by Run-DMC.)
SPARKY: RK?
RK: Come to my house. I heard you're going to New York and need help taking Buster with you. I know exactly what to do. And are you sure you want to take Buster hostage?
SPARKY: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
(long pause)
RK: OK.
SCENE 4
The Newman Condominium
Interior Buster's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
It is nighttime in Seattle, and Buster is fast asleep. Sparky is somehow able to open up the window.
SPARKY: I'm so glad RK let me borrow one of his costumes.
Sparky is dressed as Captain Mysterio, a combination of Rey Mysterio and Captain America.
SPARKY: This will be so easy. Buster slept through the Super Bowl riot for Christ's sake.
(We cutaway to February 5, 2006. Buster is sleeping. It is the night of Super Bowl XL. The Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 for their fifth NFL championship in franchise history. Devastated and brokenhearted, hundreds of Seahawks fans, many of them drunk, rioted on the streets by flipping cars over, tossing rocks through glass windows, whacking mailboxes with baseball bats, and beating others bloody. The Seattle Police Department was called in and gunshots were fired all over the place. While all this is happening, Buster is sleeping like a log.)
SPARKY: Sorry, Buster. But you did this to yourself. New Year's Eve will be quite the event, old friend. (We see a close-up of Sparky's hands, which cover the camera. We can assume he's about to carry Buster.)
Minutes later, Buster is sleeping-IN SPARKY'S MOVING CAR!
BUSTER: NO, FIDLER! MY NAME'S NOT TOBY! NO, FIDLER, NO! (Buster wakes up, a little frightened) Wow. When Will told me about his Roots dream, I thought he was insane. Not anymore. Wait, what the hell?
(Buster notices Sparky, who has taken off his mask yet still has the rest of the costume on, driving)
BUSTER: SPARKY! WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU FREAKIN' DOING?!
SPARKY: Driving to the airport. Duh!
BUSTER: No, what are you doing taking ME there?
SPARKY: I'm taking you with me to New York City. Times Square is as magical as it gets on New Year's Eve.
BUSTER: Sparky, it's bad enough you didn't heed my warning and not go to New York. Now you think you can drag ME along? I don't think so; you're turning this car around.
SPARKY: Buster, don't you WANT to see Times Square with your best friend in the whole world?
BUSTER: Maybe. But I'm not going to Times Square.
SPARKY: Are you sure you don't want to go?
BUSTER: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
SPARKY: Hey, don't take my joke!
BUSTER: It was South Park's joke first!
SPARKY: Whatever, I'm bringing it back. Anyway, if you want to go home, that's fine.
BUSTER: Thank you.
SPARKY: No problem.
SCENE 5
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport
Interior Central Terminal
SeaTac, Washington
GENTLEMAN: Welcome to the SeaTac airport, what can I do for you?
(Buster has a black eye, and tissues up his nose to prevent bleeding. We can assume Sparky beat him. And he is furious. Sparky, on the other hand, has a bright smile.)
SPARKY: We'd like two tickets to the 11:00 flight to New York.
GENTLEMAN: OK, that one might be full. But I'll check.
(The gentleman checks for available seats on the flight using his computer)
BUSTER: You just had to do it, didn't you? You just HAD to get it your way? You could've just driven me home like I wanted. But no. You just HAD to pull over, punch me repeatedly, give me the GTS onto your car, and lock in the Anaconda Vice. And using that hold, you just HAD to choke me into going, didn't you?
SPARKY: Buster, seriously, shut the (bleep) up.
GENTLEMAN: OK, two tickets at $875 apiece.
Sparky takes out the $1,750.
SPARKY: Here you go.
GENTLEMAN: Enjoy the flight.
Moments later, Buster is getting a can of Mountain Dew out of the soda machine. He and Sparky are waiting for the plane. Buster is still as furious as he was before.
SPARKY: Wow, this airport is amazing. Did you know it served more than 32.8 million passengers last year?
(Buster nonchalantly sips his can)
SPARKY: Or that it's the 16th-busiest airport in the United States? Because I didn't know.
BUSTER: Blow it out your ass, Sparky.
SPARKY: Look, I'm just trying to make small talk and you don't want to respond.
BUSTER: Hmmmm, maybe it's because I DON'T WANT TO! Let's see, you kidnap me, beat the crap out of me, and force me to come to New York City with you. Yup, you're a real good best friend.
SPARKY: Look, Buster, I said I was sorry.
BUSTER: Sorry isn't enough, Sparko. For God's sake, I didn't want to come at all. Hell, I didn't even want YOU to go to begin with. I hate Times Square on New Year's Eve.
SPARKY: Buster, if I remember correctly, you didn't want anything more than going to New York for New Year's Eve when you were five.
BUSTER: Yeah, that was three years ago. Times change.
SPARKY: I know you have a secret.
BUSTER: I do, but I'm not telling you or anyone else.
SPARKY: Buster, you're my best friend and we always will be. We tell each other everything. Like the time you protested the media and I told you Michael Jackson died. You cried in my arms and I told you everything would be alright. That's what best friends are for.
BUSTER: You're right, Sparky. We HAVE always told each other everything.
SPARKY: Exactly.
(Buster takes a long sigh)
BUSTER: Remember when I went to Times Square for New Year's Eve two years ago?
SPARKY: Yeah.
BUSTER: There's a reason why I didn't tell you or the guys what happened.
SPARKY: Why?
BUSTER: It was a cold December morning in New York City…..
We cutaway to December 31, 2010. It is New Year's Eve, and thousands of rowdy New Yorkers and visitors from around the world will fill One Times Square in the afternoon and evening to watch the ball drop to 2011. Buster is making his lifelong dream come true. He sees that the area is empty, but about 1,000,000 people will be there several hours from now.
BUSTER: It was so exciting. I love to be punctual, so I came pretty early. That gave me the chance to get in the mindset early on of a New Year's partygoer. I realized I had a whole day ahead of me, so I went for some lunch at a nice Italian restaurant.
(Buster is enjoying a stereotypical Italian meal, complete with spaghetti, meatballs, pizza with prosciutto, and tiramisu. His face is covered in tomato sauce, but he loves it.)
BUSTER: Hey, waiter! (waiter comes over) Do you guys have any diet water? (stifles a laugh)
WAITER: There's no such thing as diet water. That's an oxymoron.
BUSTER: Don't worry, it's kewl. It's kewl. I mean, I came here to New York from Seattle and want to lose weight, so I can't enjoy water at HALF THE CALORIES? (bursts into tears)
WAITER: I should've went to community college.
SPARKY: He reminds me of me.
BUSTER: I was thinking the same thing. As I finished my meal, I bumped into a girl who took my breath away.
(hearts appear in Buster's eyes as he looks at the girl, and she seems to enjoy it)
GIRL: Hi, my name is Shian. And this is my friend Amirah.
AMIRAH: Hey.
BUSTER: Hello. Pleased to meet me.
(giggles) SHIAN: You're kind of funny. Are you around here?
BUSTER: No, in fact I came from Seattle.
AMIRAH: Well, we're from around the way and plan on watching the ball drop. We'd love for you to join us.
BUSTER: Like hell yeah I will!
SHIAN: Great. In the meantime, we can show you around.
BUSTER: Totally tubular!
There is a montage of clips of Buster hanging out with Shian and Amirah. They dance to "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" by New Kids on the Block in Central Park, buy Yankees/Mets and Mariners caps at Modell's, talk to random strangers, eat hot dogs from a stand (Buster, on the other hand, just buys drink after drink) visit the Empire State Building, and sneak into Madison Square Garden. There, they constantly flip off anything that has to do with the New York Knicks.
BUSTER: I fell in love with Shian, and I believed she felt the same. We even agreed to trade phone numbers.
SPARKY: Damn. Then what happened?
BUSTER: Well….
It was nighttime in Manhattan. Buster, Shian, and Amirah are about to go enter the growing crowd at One Times Square for the New Year's Eve festivities. They're at a nearby McDonald's, and the girls are in the bathroom.
BUSTER: Damn, they're taking forever. I want to watch Taio Cruz try.
(in the bathroom)
AMIRAH: Shian, Buster is such a loser. When are we going to get rid of him?
SHIAN: Soon. We just need to sneak the meth into his pocket somehow.
AMIRAH: Good. I can't believe we found him. He actually thinks we're friends.
SHIAN: Not only that, he has a huge crush on me. He actually bought me a stuffed green M&M from the M&M World. And I hate green!
(Shian throws away the M&M, while she and Amirah laugh)
AMIRAH: And he's mad immature. He keeps making jokes that are so wack.
SHIAN: Amirah, you make wack jokes.
AMIRAH: Yeah, but at least I'm aware. He actually thinks he's funny.
SHIAN: What an asshole.
(the three arrive at the event, around 9:15)
BUSTER: I didn't know what was about to happen, but if I did, I would (bleep) them up right then and there.
(Shian puts meth in Buster's coat pocket)
SECURITY GUARD: Contraband check.
(Shian and Amirah pass the contraband check, but Buster gets fried for the meth)
BUSTER: That's not mine! How did it get there?
AMIRAH: Smoking meth? Buster, that's weak.
(seductively) SHIAN: And I was going to kiss you at midnight. (Shian kisses Buster on the cheek and rubs his shoulder)
BUSTER: God, I love you. But seriously sir, I don't take drugs. I'm straight-edge!
SECURITY GUARD: You can CM Punk this any way you want, but you got caught. I'm taking you down to the station for questioning.
BUSTER: WHAT?! This sucks! I came to New York City to have a good time, met the girl of my dreams, and this happens? Shian, can we at least trade phone numbers?
SHIAN: Sorry, my phone broke.
AMIRAH: Yeah, it FELL IN THE TOILET! (Amirah bursts into tears)
SHIAN: Shut up, bitch.
AMIRAH: Make me.
SECURITY GUARD: Let's get to the car.
BUSTER: (Bleep) my ass.
SHIAN: Bye, Buster.
AMIRAH: Bum rap, Buster.
BUSTER: Bye, Amirah. And I'll always remember you, Shian.
(Buster and the security guard head to the police car)
BUSTER: One more thing.
(Buster runs up to Shian, stares at her, and passionately kisses her. Buster also kisses Amirah, but with little passion)
BUSTER: I needed that. OK, take me away.
(Buster leaves with the security guard)
BUSTER: What I didn't know was that they were able to take the meth from the security guard, and used me as a scapegoat.
SPARKY: So you spent the first day of 2011 in jail?
BUSTER: No. They didn't find enough evidence to put me in prison, so I was let off the hook and it never showed up on my record.
SPARKY: What happened to Shian and Amirah? Did they get fingered?
BUSTER: No, I never even saw them again. It was terrible. I literally fell in love with Shian, and she betrays me worse than Josh Hamilton betrayed RK.
We cutaway to RK watching TV after school on December 13. He's watching a press conference to announce the team MLB player Josh Hamilton signed with.
RK: I'm so glad KG put this on the DVR. I'll thank him later. I can't wait to see the look on my own face when I find out the Mariners signed the best player in baseball!
(at podium) MATT VASGERSIAN: Testing…1, 2, 3…..Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm MLB Network's Matt Vasgersian. And welcome to today's huge press conference. Late last night, free agent Josh Hamilton signed with an AL West team. There are so many questions concerning who he decided to go to. Did he re-sign with the Texas Rangers? Did he sign with their rivals, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?
(RK fake pukes)
MATT VASGERSIAN: Or did he go to a rebuilding team in the Seattle Mariners?
RK: Yes, come on, let's go Seattle!
MATT VASGERSIAN: And ladies and gentlemen, weeks of speculation is over. Behind me is a large sheet which covers the logo of the team Hamilton will play for next season. Well, it has to come off. (begins to remove curtain) Josh Hamilton…..is heading to Orange County! He's an Angel!
RK: What?! WHAT?!
MATT VASGERSIAN: Josh Hamilton has signed with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, joining a vaunted team that boasts the names Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson. The Rangers/Angels rivalry is kicking into high gear next April.
RK: (BLEEP) YOU, JOSH HAMILTON! (BLEEP) YOU! (RK takes out a handgun and shoots the TV repeatedly until it short-circuits)
SPARKY: Poor RK. Only one Mariner goes to the All-Star Game this past summer and now this. Is that why you didn't want me to go, Buster?
BUSTER: Of course. I didn't want you to trust anybody over there. They're evil. Besides, nine kids have been sexually molested in the past seven years there on New Year's Eve. And over 200 people have been arrested for drunken disorderly conduct.
SPARKY: I thought they didn't allow alcohol.
BUSTER: Alcohol isn't an illegal drug, Sparky. They find a way.
(the two wonder)
SPARKY: Don't worry, Buster. This time you're not going alone. I know Manhattan off the back of my head.
BUSTER: Are you sure things will be OK, Sparky?
SPARKY: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
(Buster thinks this over and puts his hand on Sparky's shoulder)
(over loudspeaker) LADY: The 11:00 flight to New York is departing in ten minutes. Everybody heading onto the flight is now free to enter.
SPARKY AND BUSTER: Let's go!
("Let's Go" by Calvin Harris featuring Ne-Yo plays in the background)
Sparky and Buster are now taking their seats onto the plane. Yes, they're next to each other.
SPARKY: I wonder what to do tomorrow.
BUSTER: Don't worry, I've got your back. I can show you all the cool stuff I enjoyed two years ago.
SPARKY: Thanks.
(Sparky and Buster are slumped on their seats, silent)
SPARKY: Is there a reason why you don't believe in God, Buster?
(sighs) BUSTER: Over the years, I've had a lot of good friends turn on me, Sparky. Some do it because they changed. Others because they're just plain assholes. I wasn't able to spend time with my dad for a long while. And almost everybody I know top to bottom thinks I'm immature and stupid. Especially Kaily.
SPARKY: Kaily doesn't think you're stupid, Buster. She thinks you're cool but a little weird.
BUSTER: Cool? Kaily thinks I'm kewl? Hell yeah!
("Hell Yeah" by Rev Theory playing in the background)
SPARKY: I actually don't mind that.
BUSTER: Neither do I. Anyway, I understand why people believe in God. But all I really need is myself to believe in. Atheism has been a big part of my life for so long. I don't want to complicate that by believing in a creator. Just like you and Wade don't want to complicate life with religion.
SPARKY: That's right. So you sure as Hell didn't believe in that end of the world crap, right?
BUSTER: Hell no I didn't. And I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
(Sparky has an angry stare)
BUSTER: What?
GENTLEMAN: Please remain seated for the following Delta safety video.
(passengers groan)
SPARKY: God, I hate these.
BUSTER: Who doesn't?
EDWARD BASTIAN: Hi, I'm Edward Bastian, President of Delta Airlines. You know, I've grown up with this airline. And as far as I'm concerned, flying is one of the coolest things in life. But before you fly, you need to understand the rules and regulations. So let's get safe!
FRENCH NARRATOR: Five minutes later…..
DELTA EMPLOYEES: You're ready to fly!
EDWARD BASTIAN: Enjoy your flight and Happy New Year to all.
GENTLEMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Davenport speaking. We're beginning takeoff. Please remain seated and calm.
(The plane goes down the long runway)
SPARKY: You see, Buster, as the plane goes down the runway, it's slowly taking off. The process is called…
BUSTER: Taxiing. I know, I saw that Martha Speaks episode too.
("Diamonds" by Rihanna plays in the background)
(plane takes off in the Seattle sky en route to New York City)
BOOMING VOICE: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Year In Review!
(wearing a tuxedo in a control room with several video screens) WADE: Hello, everybody. My name is Wade Saltalamacchia from the television series Thank You, Heavenly. You know, a lot of cool things happened this year. OK, some of them were cool. Others were horrible and some were just plain shocking. But it has been an extremely eventful year to say the least. Some things may be downright pointless to include, but we don't think so. Because we're painting the truth. Our truth. So in just three minutes, let's see how much we can recap. Roll the tape, Greg!
("Without You" by David Guetta featuring Usher playing in the background)
What happened in 2012? Let's take a look:
-Sheamus wins 30-man Royal Rumble match, goes on to win World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania XXVIII
-New York Giants defeat New England Patriots, 21-17 in Super Bowl XLVI to win fourth NFL championship in franchise history
-Whitney Houston dies at 48 years old
-One Direction bursts onto the scene
-The Undertaker goes 20-0 at WrestleMania
-John Cena and The Rock compete in "Once In A Lifetime" match
-Introduction of Gangnam Style
-Incumbent U.S. President Barack Obama defeats challenger Mitt Romney, securing re-election
-Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z introduce daughter Ivy Blue Carter into the world
-WWE Monday Night RAW celebrates 1,000 episodes
-Barclays Center opens in Brooklyn, New Jersey Nets move to New York borough and begin play there
-Dick Clark dies at 82 years old
-Michael Phelps breaks all-time Olympic medal record at Summer Olympics in London
-Usain Bolt wins seventh straight title in the 100 and 200-metres at Summer Olympics in London, becoming first man to successfully defend both titles
-Gabby Douglas becomes first African-American woman to win gold in the individual all-around at Summer Olympics in London, becoming first woman of color of any nationality to do it
-Miami Heat defeat the Oklahoma City Thunder 4 games to 1 to win NBA Finals, giving LeBron James his first championship
-Los Angeles Kings defeat the New Jersey Devils 4 games to 2 to win Stanley Cup Finals, giving Los Angeles their first NHL championship
-The Titanic celebrates its centennial
-Fenway Park celebrates its centennial
-Barack Obama openly supports gay marriage
-Trayvon Martin gets shot to death unprovoked by Hispanic officer
-Syrian Civil War reaches its climax
-James Holmes goes into theater in Aurora, Colorado screening The Dark Knight Rises and kills 12 people using various firearms; injures 59 others
-Jason Russell brings Joseph Kony to focus with KONY 2012 video
-Edge inducted into WWE Hall of Fame, becoming the youngest-ever inductee
-Kristen Stewart commits infidelity on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders
-Jerry Sandusky convicted on 45 of 48 sexual abuse charges
-Puerto Rico begins road to becoming 51st U.S. state
-The Avengers sets several box-office records, including biggest opening weekend in North America and fastest film to make $1,000,000,000
-NFL referees go on strike, causing replacement refs to wreak havoc on the game
-San Francisco Giants sweeps Detroit Tigers to win 2012 World Series and second in three years
-Andy Murray becomes first British man since Fred Perry in 1936 to win Grand Slam title when he beats Novak Djokovic in the U.S. Open
-CM Punk becomes longest-reigning WWE Champion in the modern era
-Rap group Run-DMC performs for the first time in 10 years since the murder of DJ Jason "Jam-Master Jay" Mizell
-Adam Lanza goes into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut and kills 20 children, 6 adults, and eventually himself
-Hurricane Sandy becomes largest Atlantic hurricane on record and costs $65.6 billion in damage, only topped by Hurricane Katrina in 2005
-"Gangnam Style" by PSY becomes most-watched video in YouTube history, defeating "Baby" by Justin Bieber and having been viewed more than 1,000,000,000 times, first Internet video to ever reach that mark
-The American Music Awards celebrates 40th anniversary and Justin Bieber comes away with all three of his nominations converted into victories
-Super Bowl XLVI becomes the most-watched program in American television history, breaking Super Bowl XLV's record with 111.3 million viewers in the U.S. and 166.8 million viewers worldwide
-Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce after five and a half years of marriage
-Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez break up after two years of dating, then get back together twelve days later
-Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher shoots his 22-year-old girlfriend Kasandra Perkins to death, then commits suicide
-Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash accused of underage sex with three boys, quits Sesame Street
-Beastie Boys inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, joining Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five and Run-DMC as the only rap groups
WADE: Well, that was informative. What will happen in 2013? Only time will tell….
("Only Time Will Tell" by Asia playing in the background, and Wade rocks out to it)
RK: Wade, that's enough.
(music stops as record scratches)
WADE: RK, this is MY scene, and you're ruining it.
RK: Well, could we get back to the episode?
WADE: Fine by me.
(Wade presses a button on a remote which makes the screen go black)
BOOMING VOICE: That was our year in review. When you tune in on January 20, there will be something new that you may not care about! OOOOOHHHHH!
SCENE 6
John F. Kennedy International Airport
Interior Airplane
Jamaica, Queens, New York
It is 4:54 AM EST. New Year's Eve, to be exact. The plane has landed in New York City. Buster wakes Sparky up.
BUSTER: Wakey-wakey.
SPARKY: KIRSTIN? Oh, it's just you.
BUSTER: Kirstin? Who's that?
(rubbing the back of his head) SPARKY: I'll tell ya later.
BUSTER: OK, lover boy.
SPARKY: I DON'T LOVE HER!
BUSTER: Hey, what did I say? I didn't do nothing!
GENTLEMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Davenport speaking. We have now arrived at JFK. We know you have a choice when it comes to airlines, so we're ambivalent to the fact you chose Delta. Enjoy your time in New York City and Happy New Year.
BUSTER: You heard the man. Let's enjoy our time!
SPARKY: Well, what should we do first?
BUSTER: Go to bed.
SPARKY: Yeah.
(Buster and Sparky leave the plane. Next stop: Their hotel.)
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Wade is sitting down on RK's sofa about six hours later watching TV. RK is entering the living room right about now.)
RK: Hey Wade, look what I found cleaning my room.
WADE: What?
RK: A pen. But it's not just any pen.
(RK presses the button at the top of the pen)
PEN: Time to write.
WADE: My talking pen from kindergarten! Where did you find it?
RK: Under my bed. Along with the last page of Blue Mangoes.
WADE: I love that book! Is the last page any good?
RK: Nah, it sucks. As soon as Nick takes a bite of the blue mango, a rock falls from the sky, flattens him, and he dies from head trauma. I liked Helen's version better.
WADE: Me too. Could I have my pen?
RK: Sure.
(Wade presses the button)
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to….
RK: OK, that's enough for now.
(KG comes in with a whole bunch of bags)
WADE: Happy New Year, KG.
KG: Same to you, Wade.
RK: Brother! What did you get from the store?
KG: The world-famous R.W. Knudsen Spritzers.
WADE: Spritzers? What are those?
KG: Possibly the greatest New Year's drink ever invented. It comes in, like, 2,000,000 flavors. And RK and I always drank it. Except for last year. Remember that, RK?
RK: Oh yeah, not after the time we got really drunk off them in 2010.
We cutaway to a flashback. It is December 31, 2010. RK and KG are drunk off the R.W. Knudsen Spritzers. Because of rotation, Sparky is hosting the festivities this year.
(slurred) RK: I….just want to tell you…that I respect you.
(slurred) KG: That is…is….is such an awesome thing to say. Around you…..RK, around you…I feel like a big boy.
(slurred) RK: A big boy. Yeah, that's…that's awesome.
(slurred) KG: Feels like a very private party.
(KG does some odd dance that Mr. Rogers used to do. I think so.)
(slurred) RK: Yeah, make Mr. Rogers proud. Come on, you…..you asshole. You know something? I can…hurdle my leg like the kids did in the '90s.
(RK attempts it, but fails to and crashes on his skull)
WADE: I can't believe I wasn't there for that.
RK: Me neither. Hey KG, you're going to watch New Year's Rockin' Eve tonight? Me and Wade are.
KG: I don't think so. After Dick Clark's death, I don't think the show means anything anymore.
RK: What? That's ridiculous!
WADE: I know, right. KG, ABC always has the best New Year's show.
KG: Not this year. NBC is going to take it.
RK: Who told you that?
KG: The Shield.
WADE: KG, The Shield is a wrestling group.
(mumbles to himself) KG: Then who I was talking to? Cool, a talking pen!
WADE: How does he know that….
RK: Just ignore it.
PEN: Time to write.
KG: Cool!
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to write.
(RK checks his imaginary watch on his arm, and then smacks it repeatedly. Wade just watches him with a bored look.)
PEN: Time to write. Time to write.
KG: I'm going to go play with this in my room!
(KG runs upstairs and keeps pressing the pen)
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to…
WADE: KG, THAT'S MY…Never mind.
RK: I think Kenan and Kel called. They want their pen back.
WADE: Really funny. I'll just have you know that when the show ended in 2000, they had a sweepstakes where they gave away valuable items, and my dad got the talking pen. He was a huge fan of the show and was the next-to-last winner. It was either the pen or a 2-liter of orange soda.
RK: How did you get it? You hate Kenan and Kel.
WADE: You remember that movie Minutemen?
RK: Yeah.
WADE: It was creepy beyond belief.
RK: How? That movie was harmless.
WADE: RK, three white guys in white coats, white pants, and white shoes come from a time machine and change the past by helping people? If they came up to me, I'd think the KKK was back and run like hell.
RK: Well, that definitely seems like a stereotypical black guy thing. But just what does that have to do with the pen?
WADE: After I saw the movie, I kept having nightmares that the Minutemen would come and get me in the night. Then they would strip me down and play keep-away with my underwear.
(long pause)
RK: You ever heard of Dr. Katz?
WADE: So my dad gave me the pen to calm me down. It did. Then I lost it and I moved on to some other (bleep) thing.
RK: I wish KG would move on. Just because Dick Clark died, doesn't mean he has to keep himself from watching the New Year's show on ABC.
WADE: Everyone does things at their own pace, RK. But you're right. KG needs to learn that Dick would've wanted us to watch tonight. It's a tradition!
RK: Like smashing a champagne bottle against a new ship. All the pros do it.
WADE: It's not just KG's fault. I should've worn my lucky hat.
RK: And I should've worn my lucky socks.
WADE: You guys! Luck had nothing to do with our losing. They were just better than us today.
RK: Yeah. And luckier.
(RK slowly walks upstairs while Wade does a facepalm)
WADE: Wait, what the (bleep) just happened?
SCENE 8
Loews Regency Hotel
Interior Sparky and Buster's Room
New York, New York
(Buster got a Mountain Dew from the soda machine in the downstairs lobby. He comes into the room singing "Starships" by Nicki Minaj.)
BUSTER: Let's do this one more…
(Buster sees that Sparky is pinching himself repeatedly and hanging upside-down)
SPARKY: Ow! Ow! Ow! OW, CALL SHELF MANATEES, THIS (BLEEP) HURTS!
BUSTER: Did Kane come in here when I was gone?
SPARKY: I'm practicing ways to stay awake until midnight. Watch this trick: Ice.
(Sparky puts one ice cube down his shirt)
SPARKY: HO! HEE! HIGH! YING! NO! DERF! DUN!
(The ice cube comes out because of Sparky's reactionary dance)
BUSTER: I'm not eating that. And what do you call that dance anyway?
SPARKY: The Fiwurthy Jig.
BUSTER: But you only did that dance because of the ice cube.
SPARKY: Then why did you ask me?
BUSTER: It's a rhetorical question, dingus.
SPARKY: I knew that, dingus.
BUSTER: And what kind of name is the Fiwurthy Jig?
SPARKY: I don't know, blame Ronald McDonald.
(Sparky picks up the ice cube and throws it away)
BUSTER: I don't know WHY you need to practice anyway. You know you'll fall asleep and I'll have to tuck you in at the hotel.
SPARKY: No way. I'm seeing 2013.
BUSTER: Sparky, face it. You just can't stay up like the rest of us.
SPARKY: Yes, I can!
BUSTER: Remember three years ago at Wade's house?
SPARKY: Oh yeah.
We flashback to December 31, 2009. Sparky is blowing a vuvuzela in RK's ear repeatedly.
RK: Sparky, I swear to you I will chop your penis off.
SPARKY: Ah, lighten up, it's a party! 2010, HERE WE COME! (blows vuvuzela)
SPARKY: I tried to stay up. Then I fell asleep at 8:00 and missed it.
(Sparky falls asleep on the sofa as soon as 8:00 hits)
RK: Thank God.
BUSTER: And two years ago at your house?
We flashback to December 31, 2010. This is the same New Year's Eve where RK and KG got drunk somehow. Sparky is determined to stay awake.
SPARKY: I remember that too. I stayed awake longer, you have to give me that.
SPARKY: Who's going to stay awake? You are. Who's going to see 2011? You are. And who's going to prove everybody wrong? You are. BECAUSE IT'S WHO'S HOUSE? MY HOUSE! WHO'S HOUSE? SPARKY'S HOUSE! Ah, once a….gain, my friend, not a….. trend for then, they said…. rap was crap, but never…..had this band….
(Sparky falls asleep on the floor)
BUSTER: Yeah, you did. Until 10:17.
(Wade puts a blanket on Sparky and walks off laughing)
SPARKY: Well, what about last year? I found a trick guaranteed to keep me awake until midnight.
BUSTER: Sparky, all you did was buy noisemakers from the 99-cent store.
SPARKY: Hey, they worked!
We flashback to December 31, 2011, last year at Buster's condo. Sparky is wearing a party hat and staring intently at the alarm clock in the guest room. He will not fall asleep.
SPARKY: Must stay awake. (slowly falls asleep, then pulls the trigger on a confetti-shooting noisemaker just in time) What? Oh, right. I forgot. Have to see 2012. (slowly falls asleep again, then pulls the trigger on another noisemaker) What? Cannot miss midnight. (slowly falls asleep a third time, and pulls the trigger on yet another noisemaker, but it fails to operate and he falls on the floor)
BUSTER: Defeated and asleep at 10:50 PM.
SPARKY: I think something else happened that night.
(RK walks in)
RK: Hey, Sparky. Sleeping there? Let me try something.
(RK starts gnawing on Sparky's arm)
SPARKY: Goo.
(Sparky moves his arm away)
RK: OK, so it looks like I'm not going to eat you. If you were asleep, chances are I would've eaten you. Yeah. So bye.
(RK leaves)
SPARKY: Well, I've solved that problem this year. I'm not staying up at all.
(Buster is visibly stunned)
SPARKY: I'm just kidding. I just wanted to get in an Arthur reference. But I'm seeing 2013.
BUSTER: I extremely doubt that.
SPARKY: You know, Buster, anytime you're pessimistic like that, I manage to turn the tables. Like the time I was able to give us TV for our campout-sleepover.
It is July 2012 at Sparky's house. The boys are having a sleepover outside in a tent. Buster is helping Sparky with the tent. With the help of Santa's Little Helper, Sparky is able to get his TV outside.
BUSTER: Sparky, you can't bring that camping!
SPARKY: It's OK. I have an "extra-long extension cord."
(Buster is disgusted)
BUSTER: Sparky, all you did was talk about the size of your dick.
SPARKY: It IS pretty good, though. And besides, I DID have an extension cord. If you had just let me bring the TV out, it would've been avoided.
BUSTER: TV takes away from the campout experience. Wouldn't you want to look up at the stars and trade cool stories?
SPARKY: I...guess.
BUSTER: Well, I still don't think you'll be able to stay up. Are you sure you're ready to go?
SPARKY: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive. Just let me get my boombox.
(Buster is worried)
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK: The year's almost over, Tuxy. It's time to put up my new calendar.
(RK puts up 2013 calendar)
RK: When you look really hard, you see a 3D picture.
(Mr. Tuxedo Pants inquisitively meows)
RK: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive. Take a look.
(RK and Mr. Tuxedo Pants look at the picture, but all it does is ruin their eyes)
RK: Well…..we have all year to work on it. Time to get back to my homework plan.
Meanwhile, in the living room, Wade is standing up about to lecture KG while he sits on the couch, still playing with Wade's pen.
WADE: OK, let's…..
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to write.
WADE: KG, can you please stop pressing that damn pen?
KG: Sorry, it's just so cool.
(Wade keeps a straight face the whole time, not showing any anger or happiness at all, just indifference)
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to….Time to….Time to….Time to…Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to….
(Wade finally puts a stop to it by taking the pen from KG's hand and throwing it in the dining room)
PEN: Time to write.
WADE: GAH, I HATE THAT (BLEEP) PEN!
KG: Wasn't it supposed to save you from those Snowsuit Guys?
WADE: Whatever. And I'd appreciate the fact the pen can talk if you stopped pressing it for God's sake!
KG: Sorry.
WADE: It's OK. Now, KG, why do you not want to watch New Year's Rockin' Eve tonight?
KG: Because Dick Clark died. And out of respect for the great man he was, I'm not going to sit there and watch the show HE created without his presence. It just won't happen.
WADE: Are you sure you're not watching it?
KG: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
WADE: Please don't say that again. It's not funny. AIDS jokes aren't funny.
KG: But Sparky's said it this whole (bleep) episode!
CAMERAMAN: We're filming!
KG: I'M NOT RK, DAMMIT!
CAMERAMAN: Gotcha.
WADE: I'm not even going to ask. Anyway, you need to watch tonight.
KG: Why? It's just a New Year's show. Doesn't really mean anything in the bigger picture.
WADE: Doesn't mean anything…KG, this year is the 40th anniversary of New Year's Rockin' Eve. Dick Clark knew what he was doing when he created this show. He wanted everyone to see the ball drop in Times Square if you couldn't actually go there. Clark was a pioneer. New Year's Rockin' Eve is not only the most popular show on December 31, but the most-watched as well. Did you know that last year 22.3 million viewers watched it?
KG: No. And I thought last year was the 40th anniversary.
WADE: Common marketing mistake. That was just the 40th show. 2012-1972=40. Meaning that this year is the true 40th anniversary. WWE does it all the time.
KG: Well, I can't miss an anniversary show. That's exactly why I watched the AMAs this year. If I'm lucky, they might show clips from previous shows.
WADE: Exactly.
KG: Wait a minute. If I'm watching this, I'm going to need a good setlist. If the performers suck, you can forget it. Who's appearing?
WADE: In Times Square or Hollywood?
KG: Both.
WADE: Carly Rae Jepsen, Neon Trees, Taylor Swift….Brandy, Flo Rida, Greyson Chance, The Wanted, Ellie Goulding, Justin Bieber, Karmin, OneRepublic and Pitbull.
KG: When you took that pause, did that split the Times Square and Hollywood performers?
WADE: Yup.
KG: I knew it. I'm so smart. Well, that seems like an OK setlist. Needs one more person though on the Times Square side. Looks extremely dry there.
WADE: I thought you might say that.
(Wade gets a boombox)
KG: Is it…..
("Gangnam Style" by PSY plays on the boombox)
KG: No way! PSY's gonna be there?
WADE: Yup, in the flesh at Times Square.
KG: This is awesome! Wait, something doesn't feel right.
WADE: What is it?
KG: I'll be back. I need guidance from a dumpster. Tell RK I'm out!
(KG runs out the door and slams it)
RK: What was that?
WADE: KG's out.
RK: OK.
WADE: Dumpster? (shakes head) Well, I hope the pen doesn't work.
(Wade picks up the pen, and presses it)
PEN: Time to write. Time to write.
(imitating Kenan Thompson) WADE: WHHHHHHYYYYYY?
SCENE 10
Loews Regency Hotel
Exterior Entrance
New York, New York
Sparky and Buster are ready to enjoy the day.
SPARKY: You ready?
BUSTER: Let's go. Music!
SPARKY: Got it.
("Run's House" by Run-DMC plays on the boombox)
SPARKY: A whole lot of superstars…on this stage here tonight…..but I want y'all to know one thing…
(Buster stops playing the song)
BUSTER: As much as you've always wanted to play this song in New York City, Sparky, I think I've got something a little more apropos for the occasion. Music, Greg!
("Beauty And A Beat" by Justin Bieber featuring Nicki Minaj playing in the background)
(The boys are out exploring New York City. They eat lunch at the same Italian restaurant Buster went to two years ago, making the same "diet water" joke Buster made to the same waiter. The two then go to Central Park and fly kites they stole from two kids. They're then chased down by the kids in question. Sparky and Buster go to a local clothing store, and seem to have an idea of what they're going to buy. They come out dressed like Run-DMC with a whole bunch of people behind them cheering. They're parodying the music video for "Run's House," which was filmed all around New York City. It was Sparky's idea. It leads to Sparky and Buster performing at a makeshift stage near Madison Square Garden for hundreds of people.)
BUSTER: WHO'S HOUSE? (Turntables: Say what?)
PEOPLE: RUN'S HOUSE! (Turntables: Say what?)
SPARKY: WHO'S HOUSE? (Turntables: Say what?)
PEOPLE: RUN'S HOUSE! (Turntables: Say what?)
BUSTER: I'm in the house, y'all, I'm in the house…..
SPARKY: Hold on a minute.
(music stops as record scratches)
SPARKY: Do we have a DJ?
BUSTER: I don't know. I mean, that sound has to be coming from someplace.
GUY: He's behind you.
(Apparently, the DJ is Avicii, who's been behind them the whole time. They just never noticed him. Avicii stops DJ'ing and looks up.)
SPARKY AND BUSTER: AVICII! AVICII?
SPARKY: What are you doing here in New York?
(Avicii throws his hands around, as if to tell the boys it doesn't matter what he's doing there so long as he's helping them so they should just piss off)
BUSTER: Are you going to be performing tonight?
(Avicii shakes his head, a little disappointed he wasn't invited)
SPARKY: Well, do you want to continue DJ'ing?
(Avicii nods his head, and continues DJ'ing)
(Sparky and Buster throw their hands up and continue performing)
BUSTER: I'm in the house, y'all, I'm in the house, y'all, and this is how Run-DMC will turn it out, y'all, I'm in the house, y'all, I'm in the house, y'all, and this is what Run-DMC will be about, y'all….
("Beauty And A Beat" starts playing again)
(After agreeing to do the night scenes for "Run's House" later, and getting the people who were in the parody video to sign release forms, Sparky and Buster continue on with their day. The two visit the Empire State Building and Rockefeller Center, and later visit a hot dog stand. Sparky is stuffed after three hot dogs, while Buster only eats one and goes nuts on drinks. The two go to a music store, buy an electric guitar and keyboard, and sneak inside Madison Square Garden. They then perform "Did It All Again," an unrecorded song the Jonas Brothers made on their short-lived TV show JONAS. Buster is on guitar, while Sparky is on keyboard and doing vocals.)
(imitating Nick Jonas) SPARKY: I did it all again and I got nothing….I did it all again and I got nothing…...I did it all again and I got nothing...I did it all again and I got nothing...yeahhhhh!
(Buster does a guitar solo, and Sparky actually has to stop Buster from destroying the instrument Slash-style before security guards come. They hear footsteps and run away.)
("Beauty And A Beat" starts playing again)
(Sparky and Buster then start interviewing various New Yorkers on several sports topics. They pretend they're on the SportsNet New York show Beer Money, which they saw in the hotel and loved. One guy becomes the first out of 15 people to last through the sometimes dense questions and win the $100 round. Realizing they don't want to give the man any of their money, they instead give him one Chuck E. Cheese's token each and walk away, much to the man's frustration. At night, the duo calls all the people who signed the release forms and they film the night scenes for "Run's House." Avicii doesn't show up and Calvin Harris takes his place. He didn't get invited to perform on any New Year's show either, and he has to catch a plane to Miami because he's performing there. NYPD officers have come to maintain order, like in the actual music video.)
BUSTER: Some underestimate and miscalculate, my intent to create what I call the great, 'til I make a song, then I prove them wrong, see my song so strong it make 'em come along, come in the door, get on the floor, hard rock hard-hitting hip-hop hardcore, causing casualties, and catastrophes, and tragedies (takes off fedora) for sucka MC's, use a strategy (takes off DMC-style sunglasses) to get the best of me (puts fedora back on) you dirty rat MC's, whoever you may be, you need to go down south, you need to shut your mouth (puts glasses on fedora) all about, no doubt, just shout, 'cuz we turn it out!
SPARKY: WHO'S HOUSE? (Turntables: Say what?)
PEOPLE: RUN'S HOUSE! (Turntables: Say what?)
SPARKY AND BUSTER: WHO'S HOUSE? (Turntables: Say what?)
PEOPLE: RUN'S HOUSE! (Turntables: Say what?)
(crowd cheers)
SPARKY: Everyone, thanks for coming out today! You've been an amazing set of extras!
BUSTER: And give it up for the phenomenal, unbelievable, indescribable, Vanessa Hudgens!
SPARKY AND BUSTER: BABY V!
SPARKY: Nah, we're just kidding. Give it up for Calvin Harris!
(crowd cheers)
BUSTER: And Avicii!
(crowd cheers)
(roses are thrown at Sparky and Buster as they take a bow)
SCENE 11
The Westbury Condominium
Exterior Back Entrance
Seattle, Washington
KG is out to consult the Talking Dumpster.
KG: Hello? Talking Dumpster?
TALKING DUMPSTER: You seek my advice?
KG: Yes. It's about the New Year's Eve show on ABC tonight.
TALKING DUMPSTER: Dick Clark, right? You don't want to watch because he died, and you won't feel the same knowing he's not there?
KG: Exactly. Did you know Dick Clark?
TALKING DUMPSTER: Yes. I've known him for years. The first time I saw the man was in Portland, Oregon in 1980 at the Holiday Inn. He kept throwing his food in me. So disrespectful.
KG: But you're a dumpster.
TALKING DUMPSTER: Don't you think I know that? It STILL doesn't excuse what he did! (sighs) Anyway, every year around that exact same time, he came to the Holiday Inn in Portland. And he kept throwing his garbage in me. Then one hot day in July 1986, I asked him why he did that. And Dick was genuinely startled.
KG: Yeah, who wouldn't be?
TALKING DUMPSTER: Anyway, Dick told me, "You're a dumpster. People throw things in you. That's called caring about the planet. And you can TALK?" After that, we became great friends.
KG: But why did…..Dick need to explain that for you to understand?
TALKING DUMPSTER: I'm a very complicated, methodical man.
KG: But you're a DUMPSTER.
TALKING DUMPSTER: I'M A MAN! I DON'T DESERVE THIS LIFE, BUT I HAVE IT! (sighs heavier) Anyway, for years Clark and I were best friends. Then one day in 1998, I found out I was going to be transferred to a condominium in Seattle, which was here. Clark looked at me and said, "I'll visit you all the time." But he never did. He couldn't bring himself to see me for some reason. SCREW THAT BASTARD, HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED WITH THAT (BLEEP) STROKE IN 2004!
KG: So what's the point to this?
TALKING DUMPSTER: Not everyone is created equal. We all have our differences, and we shouldn't feel threatened or intimidated by those differences. So stop picking on gingers, KG! They're not worth it!
KG: Gingers? But that has nothing to do with what I asked you…..
TALKING DUMPSTER: I HAVE SPOKEN!
SCENE 12
One Times Square
No Interior or Exterior
New York, New York
Sparky and Buster are now in Times Square for the New Year's celebration after spending the day living NYC-style and paying homage to Run-DMC. They want to make sure they're near the ABC base.
BUSTER: Well, Sparky, just a couple more steps and we'll be in Times Square for real. Are you sure you're ready for this?
SPARKY: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
BUSTER: OK, let's go!
(Buster is ahead of Sparky, and is stunned at what he sees)
BUSTER: Sparky?
SPARKY: Yeah, Buster.
BUSTER: I actually DON'T think you're ready for this.
(Sparky is equally stunned)
("Too Close" by Alex Clare plays in the background)
This, ladies and gentlemen, is One Times Square. Thousands of people are here to ring in 2013, and the maximum capacity of 2,000,000 is well on its way to being reached. Tons of men and women are wearing Nivea "Kiss Me" hats, and several networks have set up base for their New Year's shows. The ABC one is of course, the biggest and most-populated.
BUSTER: Sparky, look! The ABC show!
(Ryan Seacrest is hosting of course, and is on camera right now)
SPARKY: Aw man, we need to get there.
(Sparky and Buster run to the ABC base)
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
It is now 7:22 PM in Seattle. The New Year's show will be broadcasted on tape delay, so RK, Wade, and KG will have to wait three hours after Sparky and Buster for 2013 to begin. KG is still playing with the pen.
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write. Time to write.
WADE: Hey KG?
KG: Yeah.
PEN: Time to write.
WADE: If I fell from the roof, do you think it would be enough to kill me?
KG: Definitely. If you fell on your skull, you'll suffer immediate head trauma or spinal shock and die. However, if you land on your hip, chances are you'll survive. I saw it on South Park once. This girl tried to commit suicide, but she just fractured her pelvis.
WADE: I need to see that episode.
KG: You're pretty late. It premiered last year and we've all seen it.
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to write.
(while KG is still playing with the pen) WADE: Well, I'm going to go Swanton Bomb off the roof and kill myself. Goodbye, KG. Tell RK I love him.
KG: Sure.
PEN: Time to write. Time to write.
(RK comes down with an angry stare and a hammer)
RK: OK, that's enough.
PEN: Time to write. Time to write. Time to…..
(RK cracks the pen into bits with the hammer)
(slow, robot-like voice) PEN: Time….to…write.
(pen stops working)
WADE: So I guess it's no longer time to write?
RK: You should thank me, Wade. This guy was constantly wearing out this damn pen and my ears.
KG: How could you hear it from up there?
RK: I didn't. Until I finished my homework and was subjected to it for 20 minutes.
WADE: You finished everything?
RK: Yes. I realized we're going back to school in two days, and I need to enjoy the New Year's celebration. So I did it all at once.
("Head Of My Class" by Scooter Smiff featuring Chris Brown playing in the background)
RK attacks every assignment based on subject difficulty. He claims this was extremely hard to determine because every subject is difficult to him. RK goes with the subject that he sucks the most at, math, to start with. Then after that, he does science. Then he does global history, creating a song about various religions to the tune of the Maude theme song. He then does three personal commentaries based off of trending topics on Twitter. During this time, RK puked six times due to work overload and fell flat on his face twice due to exhaustion. After the third personal commentary, RK falls on the floor and slides to his bed. He falls asleep for 20 minutes, only to be awakened by KG constantly playing with Wade's talking pen.
RK: Trust me, the song was pretty lame. And those personal commentaries had lame topics. Just because I care about the Chick-fil-A Bowl, doesn't mean other people will.
WADE: Oh yeah, LSU is leading Clemson 42-10 at the start of the fourth quarter.
RK: That's crazy! When I last checked the score, Clemson was leading LSU 10-7 at halftime.
WADE: Well, according to the ESPN report, on my iPhone (chuckles while RK and KG roll their eyes) it says: "LSU went on an offensive outburst. After being dormant for the first half of the game, the Tigers immediately set the tone for the rest of the game when Jarvis Landry returned a punt 62 yards for a touchdown. From that point forward, LSU has torn up Clemson and Atlanta. Two of their touchdowns since then were successful passes by Zach Mettenberger. And one of them was an interception returned 32 yards for a TD by Eric Reid.
RK: The one time I decide NOT to support LSU and they show up to the party? Damn. Oh well, at least I know Georgia will whip Nebraska's ass all over Orlando tomorrow.
WADE: We can only hope, RK. We can only hope.
RK: So have you decided to watch New Year's Rockin' Eve, KG?
KG: Yeah. There's nothing wrong with watching it so long as I remember how important Dick Clark was. See, I even have his initials as an armband and a patch.
RK: Like what we're doing for Sandy Hook?
KG: Exactly.
WADE: Well, are you sure you're not just saying that?
KG: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
(Wade has an angry stare)
KG: Look, you're getting upset at me when…..OK, whatever.
SCENE 14
One Times Square
No Interior or Exterior
New York, New York
Sparky and Buster are enjoying New Year's Rockin' Eve. Seacrest is out to introduce the latest performer.
RYAN SEACREST: And now, performing her hit single "Call Me Maybe," she topped the Billboard Hot 100 for nine straight weeks, her name is Canada's CARLY RAE JEPSEN!
(the people in attendance, including Sparky and Buster, cheer)
CARLY RAE JEPSEN: Let's rock Times Square.
(crowd cheers)
(CRJ, as I like to call her, performs "Call Me Maybe")
OWL CITY: Hello, Carly.
RYAN SEACREST: It's Owl City!
CARLY RAE JEPSEN: Are you here to perform?
OWL CITY: Either that, or I'm here to freeze to death.
(the crowd groans while the two laugh, and they perform their duet "Good Time")
SPARKY: Wow, that totally surprised me! I can't believe how much this show manages to stay fresh.
BUSTER: They could do better at conversation.
Although Sparky and Buster are going to see 2013 before Wade, RK, and KG, their separate celebrations are now going to be cut together so it looks like New York and Seattle share the same time zone.
SCENE 15
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
It is 10:41 PM. At 11:00, the show will make way for Eyewitness News and come back at 11:30 like always.
RK: Wow, Owl City came to Times Square. Who knew?
WADE: I know, right? No one had to have known anything.
RK: Are you sure PSY's gonna perform? Gangnam Style is my favorite dance now!
KG: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive.
(Wade's angry stare boils over)
WADE: WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THAT? What part of this is funny to you?
(long pause; RK's jaw drops)
KG: Wade, I was just trying to….
WADE: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?
(long pause; RK is pretty much frozen in shock)
KG: I don't think it's funny, Wade…
WADE: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! (long pause) This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP!
KG: Well, excuse me Wade for trying to express my sincerity, you know? I mean, Sparky's been going around, saying that phrase this whole episode, and you don't criticize him just because he's your friend so I don't find that fair….
WADE: SPARKY ISN'T HERE, YOU ASSHOLE! AND YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING ME INSANE ALL DAY WITH THE TALKING PEN, AND NOW THAT (BLEEP) PHRASE!
KG: Well, sometimes when these things happen, you can't just be sure. You need to be…..HIV-positive, but if you want to be so HIV-negative all the time and…..
WADE: KNOCK IT OFF! RIGHT NOW! THIS ISN'T FUNNY! AT ALL!
KG: Are you sure?
WADE: YES!
KG: Are you HIV-positive, Wade?
(Wade punches KG in his arm)
KG: Ow, ow, (bleep), Wade!
RK: You guys nailed that to a T.
WADE: Thank you, RK. We had to ad-lib some of those lines. KG, I just want you to know Sparky isn't here, so I can't actually scold him. It was OK when he said it at first, then it just started becoming offensive, so it has nothing to do with you.
(Wade shakes hand with KG)
KG: No, no that's fine. I just think it's witty.
RK: Damn, I haven't seen an argument like that since Buster and I were on Homework Hotline.
It is October of last year. Buster and RK successfully landed a spot to get their math problems answered on Homework Hotline. They did it at Buster's condo, and their problem is being shown on TV simultaneously.
TRACY: And that is the square root of 9, which is 3.
BUSTER: Could you explain that, Tracy?
TRACY: What do you mean, I just explained it.
RK: Back it up, Trace. To me it just looks like junk.
BUSTER: I agree with RK, looks like junk.
RK: Very junky.
BUSTER: Yup.
MICHELLE: Look, have you been paying attention, boys? Tracy just explained it. To find the square root of 9, you just need to multiply each number until you find 9. The .5 is included, mind you. The perfect square for 2 is 4. And the perfect square for 4 is 16. So, of course 9 would be in between. 1 x 1=1. Simple as that. 1 is its own perfect square and square root. 2 x 2=4. 2 is the square root of 4, which makes 4 the perfect square for 2. And 3 x 3=9. Therefore, 3 is the square root of 9, and 9 is the perfect square for 3. And interestingly enough, 9 is also one of very few numbers that IS a square root and that HAS a square root. And it is the square root of 81. Which you can find out by doing 9 x 9. Am in the ballpark now, Buster and RK?
BUSTER: OK, I could understand that. I COULD. But I just feel like you two aren't explaining it that well.
RK: Yeah, you really aren't grasping it as much as you should.
TRACY: Have you two understood anything we've done so far?
RK: HEY, DO NOT INSULT US! My man knows what he's talking about.
BUSTER: Yeah, he knows….YOUR man?
Over at Sparky's house.
SPARKY: Good Lord.
WADE: Why didn't they just ask me?
KG: Wow. The only Homework Hotline episode I've ever seen and I loved it.
WADE: Honestly, RK, why didn't you just ask me?
RK: Wade, you clearly don't understand that Buster and I had a chance to be on TV and we took it.
WADE: You do realize that the show is taped and it's a miracle you were chosen, right?
RK: Well, we made Homework Hotline entertaining again. Highest ratings in the history of the show! And the next day, everyone praised us.
WADE: They were laughing at you. And Ms. Vanek suggested you guys need serious tutoring.
KG: Do you even take Vanek?
WADE: No, Monroe. I just heard it from the grapevine.
RK: Ms. Vanek is so hot. And yet I hate her.
KG: OK then.
(long pause)
KG: You guys should really go on Homework Hotline again.
RK: We were ratings dynamite, right?
SCENE 16
One Times Square
No Interior/Exterior
New York, New York
("Turn Up The Music" by Chris Brown playing at the party)
BUSTER: Hey, look who's here.
SPARKY: I know. Neon Trees is right THERE.
BUSTER: No, not them. THEM.
(Buster is pointing to Shian and Amirah)
SPARKY: Who are they?
BUSTER: SHIAN AND AMIRAH!
SPARKY: Well, I don't know what they look like. Ewww, that's who you fell in love with? She has bug eyes! And she's like, twice your size!
BUSTER: That's Amirah.
SPARKY: Oh. Yeah, Shian's hot.
AMIRAH: Hey, Buster. How was jail?
BUSTER: Screw you, bitch!
SPARKY: Easy now, Buster.
BUSTER: You two assholes ruined my good time and made me miss the New Year's show. I wanted to see Taio Cruz try!
SHIAN: Look, we have no idea what you're talking about. You were in our business and we just wanted to be nice.
BUSTER: What are you talking about, dumbass? WE WERE FRIENDS ALL (BLEEP) DAY!
SHIAN: We were YOUR friends. You weren't OUR friend. And when we were doing all that stuff, everyone thought you were weird. And my Facebook friends thought you were weird from the pictures I posted.
AMIRAH: Yeah, niggas don't care about you.
BUSTER: You know what I'm gonna do? I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR SKINNY FAT ASSES!
AMIRAH: Wow, you've got pubes and a battery pack now?
SHIAN: You know you don't act like that all the time. Stay in your place and leave us the (bleep) alone. And also, I threw your M&M away. I HATE GREEN!
(Shian slaps Buster and walks away with Amirah)
BUSTER: I don't blame you, Sparky. It's my own fault for acknowledging them.
SPARKY: Hell no! Nobody disses and dismisses MY best friend like that! I'm gonna go tear them a new one!
(Buster smiles while holding his cheek)
SHIAN: And that's why people call me the next Whitney Houston. Listen.
(sings "One Moment In Time" well, but off-key)
SPARKY: HEY!
AMIRAH: Go away, asshole. I know you here to represent your friend, and I usually don't sit there and call people names, but he deserved it. He's a creep.
SPARKY: Buster isn't understood by anyone at all! Don't you get it? You broke him that night.
SHIAN: Look, just go the (bleep) over there and stay there, because we…
(does Walt Whitman's Barbaric Yawp) SPARKY: YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
(Sparky nails Shian with a CM Punk-style roundhouse kick)
(Amirah holds Sparky by his shirt)
AMIRAH: Oh, you crossed the damn line now….
(does the Barbaric Yawp again) SPARKY: YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
(Sparky puts Amirah in Daniel Bryan's NO! Lock)
SPARKY: No mercy, no surrender! NO MERCY, NO SURRENDER!
AMIRAH: I quit! You win, asshole!
(Sparky lets go and stands up)
SPARKY: And don't I EVER see you in Seattle.
(Sparky kicks Amirah in her ribs with all of his rage)
BUSTER: Thanks, Sparky.
SPARKY: Any time, buddy. Nobody is going to do that to you and get away with it. As long as I'm around. Come on, let's enjoy the party.
BUSTER: Hold on a minute.
(Buster spits in Amirah's face, then Shian's)
BUSTER: (Bleep) you, Shian.
(Buster walks away with Sparky)
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG: I can't believe it! 2013 is 90 seconds away!
RYAN SEACREST: Ladies and gentlemen, here to count us down for the New Year, MORGAN FREEMAN!
(crowd cheers)
RYAN SEACREST: Nice to see you, Morgan.
MORGAN FREEMAN: Likewise, Ryan. Ladies and gentlemen, 2013 is upon us. There's no holding back now. Time to count down.
BUSTER: In 2013, I hope I go to SONIC Drive-In for the 1,000,000th time at least before WrestleMania.
SPARKY: I hope we can actually GO to WrestleMania.
BUSTER: Don't worry, it's gonna happen. Just you wait.
KG: In 2013, I hope I join a band.
WADE: I hope I get the highest grade in the school.
RK: I hope I don't waste my time on people who'll just become dickheads later. And I hope the Atlanta Falcons win Super Bowl XLVII. WHO'S HOUSE? FALCONS' HOUSE!
(Wade and KG stare at RK)
RK: You guys just don't want to rise up, do you?
("Hello, Goodbye" by The Jonas Brothers playing in the background)
MORGAN FREEMAN: 20! 19! 18! 17! 16! 15! 14! 13! 12! 11! 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SPARKY AND BUSTER: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
RK, KG, AND WADE: HAPPY NEW YEAR! YEAH!
FROSTED MINI-WHEATS: HAPPY SCHOOL YEAR!
RK: NO, GO THE (BLEEP) AWAY!
(fireworks and pyro go off in Times Square as several Nivea hat-wearing couples kiss and New Yorkers go nuts over 2013 beginning)
BUSTER: Are you SURE we'll have plenty of adventures in 2013?
SPARKY: I'm not just sure. I'm HIV-positive. Besides, there's only one way to find out: By tuning in on January 20. Happy New Year, everybody.
BUSTER: HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!
SPARKY: For now, Sparky and Buster. So long!
(Sparky and Buster do a military salute)
(the camera pans to the New York sky, and a message appears made entirely out of fireworks that says, "Happy New Year!")
(Another identical message appears and says, "Time To Write!")
WADE: DAMN YOU, KG!
KG: I LOVE that pen!
("Raising Hell" by Run-DMC plays in the end credits)
©2012 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY NEW YEAR AND BEST OF LUCK IN 2013
IN MEMORIAM OF DICK CLARK
1929-2012
AMERICA'S OLDEST TEENAGER AND TELEVISION PIONEER