The Sweetness of Death

I know it's selfish, you know? But…I just can't let him go. Not now, not after all we've been through. It's not fair! I want him here by my side; I don't deserve this punishment! His life is worth so much more than this; a sending in the bowels of the destroyer of dreams should not be his end. We're meant to grow old together, get married, and have babies…not this. He said to me once that life was precious and fleeting, that one day I'd understand that the blossom that is this gift of life is rare and unparalleled. I know now. It's not his fault that I understand ahead of my time and learn about these things. In a world of Sin and chaos and destruction…people grow old too quickly. They cling onto happiness and love as if they are life preservers, because in a way they are. They keep alive the memory, the dream of what life should have been. What it will be now.

Yunie's dancing now and he just stands there, watching her sway and move to some rhythm only she can hear. I watch them both, my throat so tight I can hardly breathe. She doesn't realise; she hasn't yet noticed the effect her morbid jig is having on him. I can't stand to watch him die this second death, I won't let him! He can't go! Auron turns to me, noticing my balled fists, the nails biting so deeply into the flesh that little rivulets of blood escape from tiny wounds. I wonder if he sees the tears that I'm holding back, the tremble of my lower lip, as I look toward the harsh reality that is my future. Without him, my life will be filled with sorrow, the days unbearably long and bleak. I try to call to him but the words get caught in a dry sob. He quirks a smile at me, shaking his head, trying in his own way to tell me to be strong, that he wants this. He wants to leave…all this. Not us. Not me, not Yunie and Tidus. Not Lulu and Wakka and Kimahri. He wants to leave the pain that has been his burden, his tortured existence for a decade.

I understand why he wants to end his torment. If I could, I'd take the agony from him myself, make it a part of me so he'd never have to suffer. But I can't. It hurts so much to admit to myself that I can never be what he needs the most, I can never give him the much-needed release of that death he so craves. All I can do is ease the pain with tender embraces, softly spoken words of love, sweet kisses. It's not enough. It's all I can do. All our stolen moments together, our promises, our words…do they now mean nothing? I laugh something between a cry and a hiccup as I remember our first embrace. He told me to find someone my own age. He said he was too old. I showed him he was wrong. He and I…they are no more. In their place is we. We don't want to be torn from each other, our souls shredded as he departs for his final rest after a lifetime of torture. He deserves his rest, he deserves his happiness, but then so do I. We've all suffered. I need him. I love him. I never told him that before. I wonder if he knows.

A muffled whimper escapes me as I clamp my hand to my mouth; the horror of witnessing the pyreflies freeing themselves from his body, dancing idly around his solid form scares me. When he told me his secret I laughed, you know. He couldn't be dead, he bled, he tired, and he hurt, just like anyone else. I questioned how that could be if he were truly dead. He showed me death and in doing so he showed me life. I, I can't loose him, he cannot become just another dead Guardian. He will never be that to me. I plead with him to listen to reason with my eyes, begging him to turn from this path he chose before we met. I need him to cling to what we have; hold firm to the tenuous grip he has on this world with all his might until we can leave this plane together. I hang my head, knowing I'm letting my selfish desires cloud my judgement. Love has biased my opinion. How much easier would life be without love to get in the way and complicate things. How much duller as well.

Yunie's noticed now and I almost clap my hands in girlish delight as she stops the sending, a grin lighting up my face as she looks at Auron's fading form. The joy falters and fails, leaving behind sorrow and despair. Two little words and my hopes are dashed against the rocks of fate. Don't stop. Do stop, Yunie. Don't let him go, don't let him leave me! I sink to my knees as he looks directly at me while still addressing my cousin. It's been long enough. It's not been long enough; we've barely begun! We have time ahead of us, so much time in which to live! Rejoice in the eternal calm with me, Auron. Don't leave me to live through a hell of both our making. He walks toward the group, imparting his last words of wisdom to them before he leaves all our lives for good. The red Guardian stops at me, using a finger to force my chin up. He looks into my eyes with his sole russet ocular; the pain I see there on a daily basis has eased. There is a new hurt there though, and I feel my own eyes begin to swell with threatening tears. I don't want him to suffer anymore.

He pulls me close and I nuzzle my head into his chest, inhaling his scent, imprinting it onto my senses. My small hands grip his coat tightly; the tears now free staining the crimson fabric a darker vermilion. He threads his hands through my hair, his chin resting lightly atop the flaxen locks. He chuckles, a callused thumb drying my tears gently. The rich laugh rumbles through his chest, the vibrations making my cheek tingle. He runs his lips lightly over my forehead and sighs, squeezing me a little as he asks his question.

"Why are you crying? There is no need for tears. You knew, Rikku. You always knew this would happen."

I sniffle, burying deeper into his chest. "I don't want it to though, I can't help it! I know I'm being horrible and selfish and…"

He shakes his head, cutting me off. "No. I am. Please understand I can't continue here, much as I want to be by your side. My soul is weary, it needs rest." He pauses; closing his eye as emotion overwhelms him. That unknown hurt I saw. He doesn't want to leave. My heart aches at this realisation and the murmured words that follow. "I'll wait for you."

I bury my teeth in my bottom lip as I look at the ground, not daring to meet his eye. "I love you."

Auron claims my lips, the smooth sensation of flesh on flesh making me weep anew. I run my hand over his face, the stubble scratching my palm as I try and burn his image, his touch into my mind. The corners of his mouth turn up in defiance of our melancholic mood as he walks away from life, away from me, swinging his sword over his shoulder. "I love you, too."

He turns back to face us, I'm vaguely aware of Wakka propping me up, my legs are unable to support my weight. His image is not so clear now; the body that was so solid, so defined, is but a haze as I gaze at him through a film of tears. He adjusts his blade as the pyreflies quicken their dance. "This is your world now."

I run to him, screaming his name at the top of my lungs but it's too late. I reach him as he dissolves into a cascade of pyreflies floating up to the heavens. I grab wildly at where he stood but seconds ago to no avail. This can't be. It wasn't meant to happen. Not like this, please…Wakka leads me out of Sin, I don't even realise we're on the airship as I watch with dulled eyes the disintegration of Yu Yevon's creation. The Aeons stop dreaming, their sleep finally at an end so that their rest can begin. Unconsciously I walk toward the edge of the ship, each tremulous footstep becoming more assertive, feeling more and more right until I balance on the edge between life and certain death. I turn slowly to face my friends, the looks of horror plain to see on their faces. Tytto and Brother stand there too, reaching out to me. I wave, smiling at them sadly as I whisper my last words.

"I'm sorry, but don't cry for me. This is the beginning, not the end."

I step backwards and let myself fall, arms spread to welcome the reaper. The warmth of my elation floods my veins; it's not fear I feel but the tight knot of excitement. I think of his teachings, how they inadvertently brought me to this point. Though life may be precious, it is nothing without him. Death is the ultimate liberation. Death is what I covet, and so to death and him I go.

A/N: Ok, I really don't think Rikku is a suicide case, it's just not in her nature, but love can make even the sanest people do the craziest things n'est pas? Therefore, though it may seem OOC, think about how far you'd go for love. Romeo and Juliet stylee baby, ya? And so ends my one shot Aurikku. There's only one thing left to say… … …Booyaka!