SEQUEL! Woo hoo!
What with all the loverly requests for a sequel... how could I possibly resist! So this is written with love for all the people who reviewed 'Love Statistic' and who asked for a sequel! Hope it's okay!
D/C: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding - both of who are as close to god's of comedy!
Vince had waited. He'd waited... and waited... and waited. He'd waited in the bedroom for hours and in the flat for days.
Every time the door opened, he'd leapt up excitedly but it always just turned out to be Naboo returning from a hookah session at Kirk's or Bollo, coming in the with the shopping.
Naboo had tried to talk to him but Vince didn't believe the tiny Shaman when he'd said Howard was gone. He wouldn't believe him, couldn't. It was too painful.
"Precious Vince need cheer up. Howard gone. We celebrate." Bollo said, in a way Vince supposed was meant to be kindly but just made Vince's gut twist sickeningly as the horrible truth was spoken aloud, reverberating around his head; Howard gone, Howard gone, Howard gone.
"I love him Bollo." he sighed, burying his head into Bollo's fury chest, "And he said it was true love. Where is he?"
Bollo just grunted, giving the skinny mod, a comforting (and slightly awkward) tap on the shoulder. The ape couldn't comprehend his human friend's love for a man he thought was such an imbecile but if Vince was hurting then he had to find a way for it to stop.
"Naboo." he growled, entering the shaman's bedroom (a brave feat at anytime but even braver given the condition of Naboo, given previous night out at Kirk's)
"Not now Bollo, I've got a blinder."
"Bu' Naboo. Vince need something to cheer him up. He need poncho."
"I think it's gonna take more than a poncho Bollo."
"What stronger than a poncho?"
"I don't know. A cape? Clogs? Anti-depressants?"
"Anti-depressants?"
"Yeah, herbal remedies like St John's Wart; or… well, Ecstasy or, if you really want him to be happy, give him Howard."
"Why he want Howard? Man's a fool."
"I know that and you know that, but Vince loves him."
"Foolish to fall in love. Bollo never fall in love. Stick to Monkey Pumper. Safer."
"Mmm." frowned Naboo, thoughtfully. "I feel a bit strange."
"Strange, how little Naboo?"
"Just… strange." he answered, staring dreamingly into the distance.
"Naboo have vision of where Howard is?"
"Ummm, maybe, yes… no. Bollo?"
"Yes."
"Get the bucket I'm gonna be sick."
--
Friday rolled around and Vince just became less and less hopeful of Howard's return.
"I don't understand Naboo." he choked, sobbing his way through yet another box of tissues. "he said he loved me, where is he? Where is he?"
Naboo shrugged."Naboo!" Vince suddenly yelled.
"What?"
"I'm having a crises here, you could at least pretend to be listening."
"I am listening. Well atleast, I've listened. We've had the same conversation everyday for a week Vince. I've told you, he's left."
"But why?"
"I don't know." sighed the exasperated Shaman. "I just don't know. I'm sorry Vince, I wish I could help."
"You can help."
"Can I?" Naboo asked warily.
"Yes. You can look for him in your mind tank. Come on Nabooplease. If you do this for me I'll never ask you for anything ever again."
"Really?" Naboo said sceptically.
"Well… no, I'll probably ask you for a lift to wherever he is, but after that… nothing, I promise."
"Yeah, nothing until the next time you're in trouble or a taxi wont bring you home because you're too drunk or you cant get a jar open."
"No, I'll ask Howard to open the jar."
"And then he'll ask me. I don't know what's wrong with you two. Neither of you can open jars to save your lives."
"Does that mean you'll do it?"
The Shaman sighed loudly and said "Don't I always?"
"Oh cheers Naboo, you're a diamond." he grinned, kissing the shaman on the cheek.
"Urgh! Get off." Naboogrowled wiping his face like a five year old who'd just been kissed by a long lost aunty and frowning as Vince skipped off to his bedroom, "Where are you going?"
"To get dressed. If I'm seeing Howard I have to look good."
--
Two hours and fifteen outfits later, Vince Noir was almost ready. He was just putting the finishing touches to his coiffure, when his new phone went off (he still didn't know how his last one had broken, though he had a pretty strong feeling it was something to do with an ape).
"Hello."
"VINCEY!"
"Leroy." Vince sighed.
"Yeah, hi mate. Why weren't you at the meeting yesterday?"
"Meeting?" frowned Vince.
"Shag-a-thon."
Oh. "Yeah, thing is Leroy, I'm not doing that anymore."
"What? Why not? You seemed up for it after you fucked Howard."
"What?" Vince's faced screwed up in the mirror. "I haven't spoken to you since…"
"Yeah, I rang you Saturday morning. You didn't say much just grunted a bit but you told me you'd bedded him."
"But I didn't speak to you on Saturday. Anyway, my phone broke on Saturday. Dunno, woke up and it was broken."
"Well, I spoke to somebody!"
Vince frowned again. But he couldn't have… unless. Shit. "Howard." breathed Vince.
"Wha?"
Oh God! Leroy had told Howard. He must of. Howard knew about the 'bet', about the game, about… everything. No wonder he'd disappeared. But didn't he realise that he was special? Didn't he realise that when Vince had spoken about love it had been for real and forever? Didn't, when he looked into Vince's eyes, he see the open truth of his tainted soul? He must have, because that night, Vince had been sure that Howard's eyes were like x-rays, peering straight through his own eyes into his subconscious.
Vince looked into the mirror at his eyes. Howard had told him that they were big, blue and innocent. But now they just looked grey, cold and malicious.
"Viiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiince. Vince. Viiiiiiiince. VINCE."
Vince looked down to where Leroy's voice was still shouting and hung up. He just stared at the phone for a second as though it were responsible for the lost feeling and loss of feeling that were overcoming him. Suddenly, he screamed, throwing the phone at the wall in a fierce temper and, as the phone smashed to pieces against the bricks, Vince became all too aware of how his phone had broken the first time.
He just sat staring blankly at the spot on the wall. Then, he wretched. He threw himself to the floor retching againand again. He felt like he was going to die. Was it possible to die from guilt and despair? Well, if this was anything to go by - yes, it was possible. He was sure he was about to keel over when Naboo burst through the door shouting
"I've found him!"
--
After a couple of hours, lots of persuasion and lots more make up, Vince was sat reluctantly on the carpet.
"I don't want to go. He hates me. I hate me."
"Don't be stupid. Just explain what happened."
"I… I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because…"
"Why can't you tell me what happened?"
"I don't… I… I. Shut up Naboo!"
"Alright, calm down."
"You've got this wrong anyway. There's no way he'd go to the zoo. It's not even open anymore. It's totally deserted."
"Vince. He's here." sighed Naboo. "Now either I drop you off and you talk to him or I take you home and you give up."
"Give up please."
"Don't be stupid."
"So there wasn't a choice then?"
"No."
Suddenly, the carpet jolted violently and Vince fell off the back into a pile of straw.
"Jerk." he muttered under his breath, rolling around in the straw.
A few meters away, a man jumped. He got slowly to his feet and walked gingerly over to the straw.
"Umm…" the man said nervously, "Are you, are you okay?"
Vince knew that voice. He looked up and Howard's expression immediately changed from one of concern to one of unequivocal fury."Oh. It's you."
"Hi." Vince smiled weekly, trying to push himself to a standing position.
"Get lost." Howard frowned, slumping back down on his stool.
"Please listen to me Howard, I'm sorry."
"I don't want to hear it."
"Please Howard." Vince begged, pulling straw out of his hair. "You have to…"
"I don't."
"I love you."
"You don't. You don't love anyone except maybe yourself."
"Please Howard." he winced sharply as he tried to walk, sharp pain shooting through his ankle. Howard looked up concernedly, he couldn't help it, he still cared even though he knew he shouldn't.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Mmm." Vince muttered nodding, before taking another step and falling down in agony.
"No you're not." Howard said, picking his friend up from the floor. He put his arm around the smaller man's waist and walked him to the stool, sitting him down carefully. "What've you done, eh?" he asked gently, pulling Vince's boot of his injured foot, wincing as the younger man's face contorted in pain.
"Bloody Naboo." he frowned, when Howard had removed his boot and sock and the bruising flesh was exposed to the air.
"I don't think it's broken." Howard sighed, getting up and walking to a medical cabinet just outside the cage (Fossil had insisted on getting, in case Bollo tried to eat a 'small uniformed midget human' - child). "It's just sprained. I'll bandage it up."
"What you a doctor now?" smirked Vince as Howard applied the ice.
"I'll have you know I was asked to become a doctor."
"Really?" giggled Vince.
"Yes, sir. The medical industry wanted me because I was one of the most intelligent men in Leeds University."
"Get lost. You didn't go to University. You left school and went to work in the… well, here." breathed Vince, as he looked around at Bollo's old cage. "Why d'you come here Howard?"
The older man shrugged distantly. "Just… I liked it here. I was young man, I had dreams and ambition."
"You still have dreams don't you?" Vince asked, breathing in sharply as Howard moved the ice.
"Yeah, but… I don't think they're going to come true anymore. Now, there just a painful reminder of things I could have achieved."
"You could still achieve it. I mean, fifty ain't that old."
"I'm not fifty."
"Oh." Vince looked genuinely surprised.
"And the thing is Vince," Howard said, sounding genuine, his voice thick with emotion as he moved the ice across his friend's ankle. "For ages now, I've had a new dream. And a while ago, I thought I'd achieved it but… I was stupid and naïve. I thought it was…I thought it meant more than it did. But… I mean, I thought I… I thought you lov-… never mind." Howard looked up and was surprised to see Vince's eyes welling up. "Sorry," he mumbled, "am I hurting your leg?"
"No." blubbed Vince "You're hurting my heart."
"What?"
"You weren't naïve. You weren't stupid. I was. I love you, I love you so much. I should never have joined that game. I should never have joined that club… but," Vince looked Howard right in the eye and sighed, "I'm glad I did."
"What?" choked the older man.
"Well… if I hadn't. I'd never have worked up the courage to tell you how I feel about you. I wouldn't even know how I feel about you, not really. But I do now. I'm so sorry that I hurt you but I do love you and I swear to God, I quit the game the minute I realised that."
"Vince, do you have any idea how I felt?"
He shook his head tearfully.
"I felt used and disgusting and…"
"Please don't."
"And hurt and broken hearted…"
"Please Howard…stop."
"And I still feel like that."
"I'm sorry."
"But, in a way… that's a good thing because I wouldn't have feel like this if…"
"If, what?"
"if… if I didn't love you too."
"Still?"
"Always." sighed Howard, reaching up to wipe his friend's tears away with his thumb.
"I don't deserve it."
"No, you don't." smiled Howard, "But, I can't help myself, can I? You're so beautiful." And with that he reached up and placed a gentle kiss on Vince's forehead.
As he tried to pull away, Vince grabbed his shirt and pulled him back so that their faces were millimetres apart.
"What does this mean for us?" he sniffed.
"What d'you mean?"
"I mean… can you forgive me enough to…" Vince suddenly blushed.
"To what?" Howard chuckled, carefully pushing Vince's hair behind his ear.
"Well… to be…" he sighed, "Howard, will you be my boyfriend?"
"No."
Vince nodded sorrowfully, tears flowing down his cheeks. Howard couldn't forgive him that much. He understood.
"It just sounds so childish to be called a 'boyfriend'. I'm not fourteen."
"I don't undest-…"
"But I'll love you" Howard cut in. "And hold you and call you mine. But you have to promise me that… you'll be mine."
"I will."
"Not just when we're on our own and your friends aren't around. I don't want you to be ashamed of me."
"I'm not."
"Promise?"
"I promise. Now that I've got you, I'm not going to do anything to make you go."
Howard smiled.
"Howard."
"Yes little man?"
"Can I kiss you now?"
"I don't see why not."
Vince beamed and then leant forward so that his lips met those of the older man. It was soft at first, gentle and loving. Vince's hands crept to the back of Howard's neck, gently keeping him in place and Howard's own hands were holding Vince possessively. Then Vince nipped lightly at Howard's bottom lip and the floodgates opened to a whole new world of passion. Howard suddenly had a need more, leaning forward desperately and suddenly they lost their balance and the chair flew over sending them both to the ground with a soft bump. They were rolling around on the straw floor laughing like idiots, kissing, tickling and crimping. Until…
"OWWW!"
"What?"
"You, you great hefty otter-man! You're on my bloody leg."
"Shit." Howard moved quickly. "Sorry."
"S'okay." grinned Vince, leaning back in the straw and stretching out lazily. Howard manoeuvred himself so he was led next to his lover, idly picking straw out of his long glossy hair.
"Mmm." murmured the younger man contentedly.
"We'll have to be heading home soon little man."
"Not yet, though yeah? Can't we just lie here for a bit?"
"That sounds like a great idea." Howard grinned, kissing Vince's neck sweetly.
"I think I've got a better idea." Vince grinned, tugging suggestively at Howard's shirt.
"Mmm. Me too."
--
"What the hell are you doing?" laughed Howard as Vince emerged from his room on crutches. "Naboo said you didn't need them anymore."
"I do! My foot was virtually broken, Howard."
"Rubbish. Naboo fixed it. Anyway, that was almost a weak ago. It's hardly even bruised anymore."
"I don't care." Vince shrugged, or at least tried to; the action somewhat ruined by the presence of the crutches. "These are well genius. The distressed, hopping-man look - it's well in at the moment."
Howard cocked an eyebrow disbelievingly.
"Oh piss off. I like crutches."
Howard smiled and then, practical as ever, asked "What are you going to do about stairs? You wont manage them on crutches, you're a klutz. You're going to have to walk up and down them."
"Ooooooor, you can give me a piggy back."
"I can't."
"Please."
"No."
"Please."
"No."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease"
"Don't whine."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease."
"Stop whining!"
"But Howaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard"
The older man glared at him and Vince burst into a giggle fit, before pouting, "Please."
"Fine." sighed Howard, he didn't know why he bothered with these little arguments. He always lost, in a way he thought this was kind of 'their thing'.
"Woo hoo." grinned Vince, hobbling over to his partner and struggling onto Howard's back, when he got comfortable he did a very passable Cowboy accent shouted "Yeeha! Let's ride."
Filling Howard with a very strong urge to drop the younger man right there, but he resisted and instead, struggled down the stairs with Vince bouncing excitedly on his back. When they reached the bottom, Vince found he'd forgotten his crutches and sent Howard back up to get them.
--
As they neared the pub, Vince looked at Howard with an odd expression.
"What?" asked Howard, without even looking at his partner.
"Will you put your arm around me?"
"What?"
"Well, look at us, we could just be two friends walking down the street and you can't hold my hand because of," he waved one of his crutches around, "But I recon you could put your arm around me."
Howard smiled and then nibbled his lip nervously, "What if your friends see us?"
"I want them to see." Vince beamed back. "Go on Howard."
Howard nodded and managed to put his arm around Vince allowing them both to make their way (somewhat awkwardly) towards the pub.
Just as they reached the door their peace was shattered by the sound of Leroy and the rest of the fuck club, on their way for a few warm up shots before they hit the clubs.
"Oi Oi. If it isn't Vince Noir." sneered the good looking man, the leader.
"Alright Mark."
"Yeah, I'm great. But why wouldn't I be. I'm not the one tied down to some loser." his eyes flicked to Howard and back again "and if I was tied down, it wouldn't be to that! I'd at least make sure they were worth it."
"He is worth it you prick!" spat Vince immediately defensive.
"Whatever." laughed Nicki. "We're young free and single."
"You ain't so young." smirked Vince. "You're actually; getting on a bit, desperate and single."
Mark took a menacing step forward and immediately found himself eye to chin with Howard., who, despite his scaredy-cat nature, was managing to seem very threatening.
"Alright H-howard." stammered Mark, taking a couple of steps backwards.
"Fuck off Mark." he growled.
"Yeah, go get fucked." Vince added, peeping round his partners side. Mark seemed about to say something, when Leroy stepped in.
"Come on guys. Lets leave them alone." The rest agreed and they walked away down the street. Howard turned back to Vince and was surprised to find him red-faced and staring pointedly at the floor.
"You okay?" the older man asked softly.
Vince nodded and then whispered, "I can't believe I used to think like them."
"You didn't. Not really. Anyway, we're not here to drown our sorrows from the past. We're here to toast our wonderful future."
Vince looked up and grinned. "Thanks Howard."
"For what?"
"Just… everything."
"Okay." he grinned, opening the door and stepping aside so that Vince could squeeze past him and through the door. As he went past Vince stopped and kissed Howard sweetly until they were disturbed by someone clearing their throat. Vince looked up and apologized to the man who was trying to get out of the pub.
"Howard."
"Mmm?"
"I'd rather go home. Can we hire a film and get a bottle of wine or something?"
"Oh you old romantic. What film?"
"House of Wax?"
"Not so romantic then." laughed Howard. "You sure?"
"Yeah, it's so funny."
"I'm not sure it's meant to be funny Vince."
"Whatever, any film where Paris Hilton gets a pole through her head is funny."
"Fair point." agreed Howard and the two of them set off to hire a film and enjoy a quiet night in together, because that's all they needed to make them happy; each other (and maybe a film with the death of an irritating American socialite).
I think it's a weird ending but... *shrugs* I don't think endings are my forte!
Thanks for reading!
Sisi...xx