he liked baseball
The day had ended stressful and detective Dominick `Sonny` Carsi was now going to get into the car. Exhausted, he shut the door and leaned back in his cushioned seat with closed eyes. There had been a lot going on at the precinct and the trial had exhausted them all because of the defendant´s deceitful defense attorney and his exasperating methods. Not an hour later the jury was back and if they had found this douche guilty Sonny wouldn´t be in this position watching the raindrops falling at the windshield.
The counselor had done a good job and had also used some methods that had amazed one or two. The only missing thing had probably been the common sense of the jury members. All in all they couldn´t blame Barba, he had done well. But he thought differently about it and has left the courtroom disappointed. It has been obvious that he blamed himself for a violent rapist walking free.
It was already dark outside, only the lanterns lighting the streets. Tired, Carisi sighed and started the warming motor.
»I could use a drink.«, he mumbled to himself as he drove away. It didn´t take five minutes before he was stopped in front of the nearest pub called »Freddy´s`«
The detective unbuckled himself slowly, stopped the engine and left the car.
The neon-lit sign above the small entrance was green and was reflected in a few puddles while the smell of rain filled the air. Carisi breathed in, soaked up the atmosphere with his whole body. Then, you could only hear the clicks of shoes on the pavement as he disappeared from the street.
It was dark and sticky inside, a passable number of people reserved both the stools at the bar and the chairs at the tables in the middle of the room. Sonny stood at the entrance, watched the scenery and let his thoughts wander.
He hadn´t been here in a long time. The first time was shortly after he´d joined the SVU and since then he had been here for about two or three times. He had always needed a stiff drink then. He needed a stiff drink this time too. He walked forward with a dazed feeling while watching the intoxicated people joking, laughing, bawling and drinking one booze after another. Those who sat at the bar were either those ones who just sat calmly there, staring at their glass and thinking about their life or those ones who told the bartender about their problems while crying.
He stepped past all of them, almost at the very back of the pub, where the corners where unlit and cold. The music from the entrance hardly reached him from back here.
It was generally quiet. Carisi sat down on the last stool in the corner and peeked over the bar, where there were several glass bottles filled with the sweet elixir of life called alcohol.
He ordered a whisky with coke immediately and after that he stared at his glass.
Though he felt someone sitting next to him, he didn´t turn around to see the person. He just wasn´t in the mood for talking with anyone. But he noticed, that this certain person turned around to him.
Sonnys glance still got caught on his glass. Fascinated, he swayed it in his hands.
»Carisi?!«, the voice sounded damn familiar to him, he turned around after all and looked to the surprised face of the counselor.
»Barba. What are you doing here?«, the detective asked and eyed the ADA more precisely.
He wore only a white shirt that was wider open than usual and his black-red tie hung around his neck loosely.
»Nothing other than you do, I guess.«, Barba chuckled and raised his glass filled with scotch.
Carisi nodded and continued with staring at his whisky. But it didn´t last long as Sonny noticed the counselors attempt to begin talking again.
He began speaking low but the detective was able to hear him.
»You know...«, Barba made a short pause to recollect himself, »...on some days I wish I had stayed in the Bronx.«
Carisi needed a moment to comprehend this words, he exhaled, amused, grinning.
»Are you drunk?«, he laughed and pointed at the scotch in the hands of the assistant district attorney.
»Drunk? I´m not drunk.«, if he hadn´t made this statement with the attempt of not falling from the stool, Sonny would have believed him maybe. But in this case he just raised his eyebrows, hesitated, and stared wordless at the counselor until he conceded.
»Fine. Maybe a bit.«, he mumbled and you could feel how unwilling he agreed.
»But I´m still of sound mind. Just do me a favor.«
The detective listened tensed.
»Don´t tell Carisi that I´ve drunk.«, Sonny was flabbergasted, so he stood up and whipped the glass out of the counselors hand.
»Come on. You had enough.«
Totally flummoxed, Barba looked at him, then he followed his movements and stood up as well, though it was very slow and obviously unstable. He wasn´t the sort of drunken man who slurred his speech. His speaking was mostly clear, but the stance and thinking was the biggest problem. That´s what attracted Carisis attention every now and then. Barba stumbled and would have fell if the detective hadn´t grabbed him opportunely.
»So that´s what you´re doing. Drinking yourself into a stupor because of a lost case, so you can´t even stand on your own anymore.«, Carisi commented, while he helped Barba to put his jacket on. Not a minute later he got a coffee-to-go for which he was very thankful. Barba didn´t even know that they sold coffee here.
»I´m taking you home now, come on.«, with those words Sonny pushed the DA outside.
The cold rain pelted on their shoulders as the small door clicked shut behind them.
It had gotten colder outside but no one seemed to realize.
Carisi opened the car door and wanted to assist the drunken assistant district attorney with getting into the car, but he only raised his hand deprecatingly and finally made it on his own with a few turbulences. The detective shut the door with a kind of desperation and then he got into the car from the other side. He saw, that Barbas head had sank against the cold pane and his eyes were closed. Either he slept or had lost consciousness, Sonny didn´t care.
He only wanted to go to bed.
When he started the motor, a pleasing warmth flowed through the car which caused the satisfied murmur of the counselor.
Even while being in half sleep he didn´t realize how Carisi covered him with his coat.
And Barba mumbled something in it and Carisi had to grin, but then averted his eyes so he concentrated on the street.
They drove not that long, but it seemed like two hours to Carisi. The silence strained his nerves and he wished his drunken colleague would wake up to talk with him. Even though it wouldn´t end up in something sensible. At least he would be able to enjoy some entertainment, instead of surveying the red of the traffic light that was reflected on the wet street.
He drew his attention to Barba again who tried to find a more comfortable position through
twisting and wriggling.
Carisi imagined a sleepy kitten and the comparison conjured a warm smile on his face. Then he began to deviate.
It had been four months since Sonny confessed his love to the counselor.
On a Thursday morning Sonny entered Barbas office with a black coffee in his right hand and documents for a case in his left hand. Though he knew the attorney was a workaholic he didn´t expect him there.
Actually, he wanted to leave the paperwork and the stimulant on his desk to make Barbas day. It wasn´t a problem for him to hand it over personally, but when he met the attorneys dangerous expression, he cringed inwardly and his heart started racing like hell.
Sonny considered briefly if he should turn around, just leave and shun Barba for the next few days. But his feet brought him forward, his mouth wouldn´t open and he got more and more in the danger zone: his heartbeat made it clear to him.
»Carisi, what for heaven's sake do you want at this time?!«, his voice was hoarse. Did he get sick?
Despite the threatening pitch, Sonny approached to the desk and put the coffee down. From the corner of his eyes, he recognized the doubtful glance of the counselor.
A moment later he handed him the documents.
He accepted them. Hesitating, but he did.
»I just wanted to drop this off for you.«, Sonny answered reproachfully.
Though the counselor wouldn´t do otherwise, it somehow hurt him to react like this, but it was always kind of natural when the attorney reacted as snappish as Sonny did right now. Naturally beautiful, he found. You wouldn´t expect otherwise when it comes to Barba. There were lot of things you would never expect from him.
For example, that he liked baseball and romantic movies.
»He isn´t this type.«, people would say, »He isn´t like that.«
But Sonny thought differently. Sitting in front of the television somewhere, about seven o´clock, holding the scotch in the hand, while the chips or the handkerchiefs lay at the coffee table in front of him. Somehow Sonny could very well imagine this situation.
After a few seconds of silence that has been between them, life came back in the detectives body who began to leave.
But he didn´t take two steps as he heard Barbas voice again, not as sharp as before.
»Stop«. A »Stop«, nothing further that made him stay. And it was only the brief look in the counselors green eyes that took his breath and that made Sonny love him a bit more.
Barbas glance wandered back at his desk pad and it got stuck there for a moment.
»How´s your law study? Can you manage?«, Sonny was astonished about Barba taking up this issue and about the fact that it happened during this incongruous small talk.
Nevertheless he decided to answer.
»It´s going well.«, he said briefly, hoping the issue was finished. He only received a nod from the counselor, than it was silent again.
A loud hoot made Sonny startle. The traffic light was already green, a bright car tailgating behind him. He stepped on the gas quickly , passed the crossroad and only when the pushy driver was out of sight, he darted a look at Barba. He was still sleeping. Hats off. It had been more than one scotch, that was clear. And he often drank more than one scotch, Carisi had recognized that, even though he hadn´t seen it, but when he´d left the office one Thursday morning, he´d known the counselor would hit the bottle again once the door had shut behind him.
Sonny ventured to take a nip of Barbas coffee. A mistake. But to his astonishment, the ADA didn´t lose his mind. Just a »Have you no heart?« passed his lips which formed a smile. This was the first time that Carisi saw Barba smile straightforwardly.
And it had really blown his mind.
Casually, Barba walked around his desk until he stood in front of Sonny, just to sit on his table . Sonny was used to that. He had no option but to accept it. So he did. Without any thought.
»How´s your brother-in-law?«, he did it again, the same as before with the law study. And Sonny began to wonder if it was always like this.
For a moment, he felt like he didn´t know the counselor.
Neither he knew where this thought was coming from, nor did it matter for him.
He knew that he wanted him and he didn´t need to know more.
»He´s still recovering.«, Sonny explained, and watched Barba show a warm smile, to his surprise. Again. This day seemed to go well. But it had only started.
»It´ll be okay.«, Sonny felt uncertain.
He couldn´t remember the last time Barba was that nice to him and it began to get scary.
The counselor seemed to recognize his hesitation and grinned again. This time totally genuine. His whole face brightened while his adorable laughter lines appeared, which fascinated the detective.
»What´s wrong?«, Barba asked finally, he still didn´t understand what captured Carisi´s imagination.
»I like it when you smile and I love it when I´m the reason.«, Sonny answered honestly, watching how Barbas face slowly froze. Did he say something wrong? Giving it some thought, he wanted to retract his words now.
But he said it. So he had no option but to wait for Barbas reaction. But it didn´t came. At least not with words. He just raised his hand and put it on Sonny´s neck. The soft contact gave him goosebumps. In the next moment, Barba brought the detectives head down to his level and Sonny reckoned he´d lost consciousness when he suddenly felt the soft lips of the attorney on his.
It was just a brief, sweet instant, but Barba pushed him away just as he´d wanted to return the kiss.
His green eyes looked down, Sonnys blue eyes fixated on him, his laughter lines, his cheeks. Their faces still were no more than two centimeters away from each other, they could sense each other's warm breath. Carisi felt the desire for the counselors lips deep down in his stomach.
»I want you.«, even if it just slipped out of the mouth of the detective...it felt good to get rid of it. But he didn´t know if Barba felt the same.
He seemed to get pensive, was searching for a point at the ground to fixate, gave Sonny a brief glance and then he looked at the ground again.
Subsequently, he averted.
»Please, leave now.«, he whispered which didn´t seem to be easy for him. Sonny hesitated.
»Why?«, it was the only thing he could say. After a few seconds of silent he got an answer indeed.
»We are not allowed to do this. I could lose my job.«, his voice was low and weak.
»I could too.«, Carisi added, but Barba still had his back turned on him.
»Accept it, please. Would you risk your job for this?«
»You wouldn´t?«, Sonny asked. This time the counselor kept quiet. It was like a fist slammed in Sonnys stomach and it hurt him terribly. Somehow he understood Barbas perception. But somehow he didn´t. He didn´t want something getting in their way. Even if it was work.
»Got it.«, with those words, the detective had left the office.
Since this little dispute they hadn´t said a word to each other unless they had to because of work stuff. It seemed like nothing ever happened. And somehow it hurt Sonny ´cause he had enjoyed the kiss and he assumed that Barba had also enjoyed it and felt the same.
There were lots of things that Carisi had enjoyed when it came to Barba. For example, when the counselor travestied one of his ideas. He never meant it like it sounded, he just devilled him all the time and the detective loved this kind of attention he got from him. It made him happy. He made him happy. Or when Barba hitched up his sleeves and Carisi was able to adore his arms. But also when the attorney impressed the jury members with his summation during a trial and Sonny was incredibly proud.
»This is my Rafi.«, he always thought then, and he was even more proud of the fact that he was able to say those words.
He could have mentioned another thousand examples. Carisi decided to finish the wallowing in memories later though, concentrating on the street instead. There were only a few minutes left to Barbas apartment building, whose head had just sunk against the detectives shoulder. This was the first time since that one Thursday morning that they were that close. And as Carisi started to think about things, he remembered the words of his colleague in the pub.
»On some days I wish I had stayed in the Bronx.«, that´s what he had said. Sonny thought it would relate to the defeat the counselor had to accept today, but when he remembered the other words, the seemingly most obvious thing faded quickly.
»Don´t tell Carisi that I´ve drunk.«, yeah, but why not? Why was that so important to him? Was it ´cause he didn´t want Carisi to know that he was hurt and depressed as well?
Did he wished he´d stayed in the Bronx so he wouldn´t have these problems? Like deciding between his career and love? Actually, Sonny didn´t know if the counselor even felt something. Too many questions whirled in his mind, and he didn´t know the answer to any of them.
He could only get them from Barba.
Briefly, he allowed himself a glance at the attorney. Eyes closed, he still rested on his shoulder. His cheek was warm, and in contrast to the last few months, he radiated a contagious sense of calm. For a moment, Sonny had the feeling that nothing has changed. And he enjoyed this moment more than anything else.
He put an arm around the counselor and gave him a gentle squeeze as he began to mutter.
Sonny did his best watching the street while he stroked a flick of hair out of his forehead. He was so peaceful. Sonny wished he could remain like this forever and he´d love nothing more than to kiss him right now. After all, he had never had the chance to return the kiss from four months ago.
Now he had the chance, though the situation was adverse.
Barba being close, sensing him here and now and being with him alone made him be the happiest human on earth. He was also this happy, when he turned off from the road and when the dark car cut his curve. He was also this happy, when he had to pull around the steering wheel and when he suddenly lost control of his car and everything just...spun. His happiness didn´t even end when this huge murky tree appeared in front of him, trying to devour him and in the next moment everything went black.
Nevertheless he was the happiest, even when he didn´t know in this instant ´cause he was scared to death and totally panicked and whimpering.
»Don´t worry, I´ve got you.« he said to the attorney. Then he squeezed him a bit more.
He was the happiest human on earth ´cause nevertheless his Rafael was with him, was close to him and he could sense him.
Barba had already woken up before because of the tires squeak, had still felt how someone was hugging him deeply, just to pass out again. But when he woke up again he felt terrible pains in his leg. Barba realized that he was still in that car into which he had gotten before.
It was dark outside and the rain wouldn´t stop. But the car wasn´t moving and thick smoke was coming out of the hood. The counselor looked around more precisely, saw the airbag which hung there, in front of him, airless. Then he suddenly remembered into whose car he had gotten and his face froze immediately.
Every time he saw him like he was, he collapsed inwardly. But now when he looked at Sonny he felt an iron hand grabbing his heart and tearing it out of his chest. The face of the young up-and-coming ADA was totally scuffed, blood ran out of several wounds in the thoracic region and a few shards of the windshield had bored deep into his flesh. Barba felt the nausea when he finally saw Sonnys left arm, which was clearly broken.
»Shit.«, the counselor swore and tried to unbuckle himself. But the alcohol in his blood seemed like it wanted to avoid every single movement. His vision blurred and the world was spinning.
Nevertheless he was able to unbuckle himself with a bit of effort. When he tried to move towards the detective to check if he was still breathing, he couldn´t stifle his cry of pain and his hand moved to his right leg automatically.
The impact had squashed the car so much, that his leg had gotten stuck between the dashboard and the seat. He could make a laceration out, but it didn´t seem to bleed that much. Carisi was his priority, although he was still unable to move.
»Carisi! Wake up, Carisi!«, he yelled as loud as possible, but the detective didn´t move a muscle and Barbas head felt like it was stuffed with absorbent cotton. Clear thinking was difficult and his limbs were as heavy as lead.
»Wake up, Carisi.«
»Carisi«
»Wake up.«, his voice became weaker, his vision darker.
»Come on. Say something.«
When he looked at his leg again, he could see a small puddle of blood.
»Shit.«, he pursed his lips and leaned back in his seat, so he could briefly close his eyes.
»Carisi, wake up. We need to get out of here.«, he mumbled, but he wasn´t heard.
A few minutes passed in which his eyes remained closed.
He just wanted to sleep.
His eyelids were so heavy. He heard sirens from afar, but he didn´t have enough energy to react. Through his horrible pains he sank back against Sonnys shoulder. And with time his leg got numb, so he couldn´t feel anything, and then he didn´t care about all of the things.
»Wake up...Sonny...«, he grabbed his hand carefully. It was cold and Barba could have cried. But he didn´t. He didn´t ´cause he didn´t want to. His breath became erratic, the puddle of blood was now a pool of blood and the sirens closer now.
He didn´t care. He just wanted to sleep, Sonny by his side. Then he would be the happiest human on earth. Barba found it was a pity that he didn´t know Sonny more, that he knew just a few things about him. But Sonny also didn´t know everything about him. He didn´t know, that Barba always drank a cup of tea before bed every evening, and that he liked it when the butter was too hard, so that you could hardly spread it on toast, and jazz. He liked jazz too. And at night he liked sleeping without a blanket with someone`s fingers running through his hair. That´s what he liked too. Sonny knew nothing of this and Barba knew nothing about Sonny. It hurt him for some reason. And that´s when he opened his eyes again, watching the raindrops which pelted on his hands and his hair and Sonnys, straight trough the broken windshield. Actually, Barba found it beautiful. But he missed the warmth.
»I´m cold.«, he whispered and squeezed the hand of the detective a bit more.
»I´m cold.«, he repeated.
He died in his sleep. And that was okay for him. That´s what he always wanted, wasn´t it? Sonny had been dead shortly after the impact, but he didn´t recognize it. He had held his cold hand until he had finally fell asleep as well.
He died in his sleep.
the end.