Okay. So… here's the thing. I know I haven't updated my other story in way too long, and I'm sorry about that. But see the thing is that when I write stories I have this bad habit of writing bits of the story a little out of order. So I wrote the part where Namine and Riku get together during the year when Sora's asleep. And this wasn't it. Then I rewrote it, and this came out. So I don't know if I'm going to use this. I might, but still. I had to put up something, so for now, think of this as a different, separate story haha. Oh, and I hope you enjoy it! And yes, there is mush. Deal with it. I have a fire extinguisher, so flames beware.
He wasn't back.
He had left at five in the afternoon on Sunday and was supposed to be home by five in the afternoon on Monday. It was now one in the morning – on Thursday. And he wasn't back
It wasn't like he had never been late before. He was late all the time, for most of his missions. But never this late. Never three days late.
I was trying not to freak out, really I was. Trying not to imagine the worst, begging my brain to stop running in these worn horrific circles – and I was failing miserably.
Mickey and Diz weren't exactly helping either. At least Mickey tried. He would smile when I passed him in the hall (even if it really looked more like an over-turned grimace) and even tried to make polite conversation at dinner – but I watched his face fall when he thought I wasn't looking, worry making him look far older than he was.
Even Diz – Diz, the pillar of stoicism, had been far more given to pacing lately, and when he wasn't moving his eyes were, shifting side to side restlessly. He constantly came to my room to poke his head in and see if he was back – and when he saw that he wasn't there he always seemed to come a little closer to frowning and showing some sort of facial expression.
I hadn't slept since Sunday, the first night that he was gone. After that any ability I had to relax disappeared, even though my eyes were heavy and my nerves were stretched far beyond any sound capacity. I had given up trying to close my eyes – I learned the consequences of that on Monday night. I had lain down on my bed, determined to sleep, trying to tell myself that staying awake all night would not help Riku come home faster. So I shut my eyes – and not even five seconds had passed when I saw watched my worst nightmare come to life. The image flooded the backs of my eyelids, a living hell. Riku, bloodied, broken, and completely alone in the darkness. Dying. I shot up, crying before I opened my eyes, my frame trembling uncontrollably. I hadn't let my eyes stay closed for more than two seconds after that,
Honestly I didn't want to sleep anyway. I was fairly positive that I would have nightmares if I did. Not that staying awake was helping with that anyway, but waking dreams always seem far less substantial than real dreams do.
That night, Monday night, was the night that I had two incredibly important realizations. The first caught me by surprise, and is something that I could never convince myself of completely. But when I first thought it, it felt so right that I decided to let myself dwell on it for a while. The idea that I, despite my nature, could feel. I possessed emotions. Whether or not a heart came with it, I wasn't sure. But I could feel.
The second epiphany was something that had been there all along, but that I literally couldn't grasp until I realized that I might have a – well, err, emotions. I had always known it somewhere in my self-conscious, but it was buried so deep that he had to be nearly gone for me to realize it. I don't know why I allowed myself to believe it; it was completely illogical – ridiculous, hopeless and unfeasible. But, like my first epiphany, the sense of conviction that came with it was too strong to ignore. As inconceivable and impossible and stupid as it was… I loved him. I was in love with Riku. You'd think that would be happy, a nice thing to imagine. I'd always heard that being in love was magical, wonderful, consuming. But in reality, for me it hurt almost as much as the image I received whenever my eyes were closed. Because even if there is the slightest chance that I might be able to feel something, I was pretty damn sure that it was impossible for a somebody to love a nobody. After all, who could ever love nothing, or ever want the love of nobody?
It was two in the morning and he still wasn't back. I was lying on my bed as I waited for him, not even bothering to try to relax anymore. Instead I stared at the ceiling, and lied to myself. He was fine. Sora would be fine. He would be fine and Sora would be fine. They would be fine and I would be fine and everyone and everything would be perfectly frickin fine – when there was a crash from the kitchen downstairs.
I sprang out of bed immediately, my spirits soaring, anticipation spiking through my body and eliminating my exhaustion. But before I could throw myself out the door, I stopped short. Something was tugging at the back of my mind, telling me to be cautious – something important.
The memory came back to me in less than half a second, and Riku's voice spilled into my mind with shocking clarity. His shimmering eyes were pleading.
"Just… be careful… please. You can't keep forgetting that there are people out there who would love to see us fail. Who would… kill you. So don't do anything stupid, you know. Always think first. And if you forget to do that and run headfirst into a situation, which is a really annoying habit of yours, by the way," I could see him rolling his eyes and laughing as he said this, "at least remember to take these with you."
I ran from the door to my bedside table, whipping the top-drawer open and sifting through all of my personal belongings. I pushed past my sketchbooks and pencils, tossing aside the copy of the fake good luck charm I had made Sora and the tiny doll of me Axel had made ages ago as a joke, to the very bottom where I had hidden the gifts that Riku had given me shortly after we became friends. A dagger and a star charm.
I held the two up to the light of the moon to get a better look and bit my lip. A small voice in the back of mind screamed for me to run, no sprint, downstairs to help him – but my promise to Riku bound my legs. I had to think it through before I rushed downstairs. I had given him my word.
The knife had a blade of Orichalcum and twilight crystal, and a hilt of dark, light, energy, mythril, and serenity stones. The star charm glistened gently in the moonlight, seeming to pulse with power, as if its tiny body couldn't possibly contain all of the strength it held in.
There was no way that I couldn't go downstairs – it might be Riku… but he wasn't exactly the clumsy type. The only way Riku would ever trip over something would be if he couldn't walk.
My eyes widened and my stomach lurched.
He was hurt.
I was out of the room before I could blink, any sense of self-preservation forgotten. I clutched the two objects to my chest just in case, practically falling over myself in my rush.
I tumbled down the stairs and rounded the corner, my breath coming up sharp in my chest and panic racing through my system, making me more awake than I had been in days. I bolted into the hallway, and nearly landed flat on my face as I skidded to a stop when I saw the light pouring into the hall from the kitchen. I stood shaking for a few seconds, and eventually made myself walk forward. I was frozen with a fear stronger than I had ever felt in my life – not for myself, but for what I would see when I walked inside. I crept towards the doorway carefully, drawing the dagger from its sheath despite my certainty that I wouldn't need it. I hid behind the wall beside the opening and sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep my hands from shaking. I closed my eyes, thought of Riku, and leapt into the kitchen.
It still smelled like the lasagna that Mickey had made for us – and that I had somehow managed to choke down at dinner to keep him from worrying. It wasn't as if it didn't taste good – if I had any perception of taste, smell, or touch I probably would have enjoyed it. But worry has the annoying habit to demolish the want for food or sleep.
The recently cleaned dishes were lying on a towel in the corner. The deep wood floorboards stretched from wall to wall, weathered by more time and erosion than I could comprehend. A small window by the sink that let in as little light as possible, even on sunny days, was slightly ajar, allowing a cool breeze to drift into the room. Over in the corner sat the huge oak table that we ate at everyday. An enormous stone fireplace loomed in the far corner behind the granite and wooden island, and stretched into the arched ceiling. Heavy wooden beams extended back and forth across it, stained the same dark as the floor. It was gloomy and dank, even with the lights on.
But most importantly, not a thing was out of place. He wasn't there.
"Riku?" I whispered breathlessly, still quivering. I walked carefully around the counter, past the outdated black oven and stove, looking around desperately. My toe hit something as I walked, sending it flying across the floor and making me jump a mile. I snapped my head down.
A glass vase that I hadn't noticed missing from the corner counter was in pieces on the floor, its flowers strewn among the shards and spilled water. I knelt onto the floor out of curiosity and picked up one of the flowers, careful to avoid the glass.
I could have sworn they were white – I had bought white lilies to brighten up the room. But the flower I was holding, and those on the floor, were splotched a deep red, the color swirling and staining the once iridescent petals. The water on the floor was red too, but more distilled than the flowers, as if it had been dyed with food coloring. It only took me a second to find the source; there was a thin, ribbon of crimson winding it's way along the floor from around the counter, bleeding into the spill.
The room began to spin, and my breathing sped into hyperventilation. If I had a heart I knew it would be flying, pounding in my ears. And yet in spite of my sudden fear, I still hadn't figured it out. My brain must have stopped, because I could not put the two together. I rose to my feet slowly, needing the counter for support as I followed the trail of red with my eyes, trembling as I looked to the end of the counter. Terror rushed through me, making my stomach pitch and heave.
My eyes locked onto something at the end of the counter that I had somehow not noticed before. It seemed like the source of the red, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I squinted and took a hesitant half a step closer – and it was all my eyes needed.
It was a bloody hand, relaxed and open on the floor, barely sticking out from behind the island.
The dagger and charm fell to the ground beside me.
"Riku!" I gasped, jumping over the broken glass and throwing myself onto the floor beside him. He laid facedown on the wood, completely motionless, in a pool of his own blood, beaten beyond reason. His cloak was in tatters, some places missing fabric entirely, and his usually shiny hair was filthy. Nearly everything on him was stained with blood.
Bile forced its way up my throat, but I swallowed it determinedly, instead desperately running my hands along his neck to check for a pulse. I finally found it, trembling weakly just beneath his jaw. I felt my stomach curl. I may not have a heart beat, but I knew what it was supposed to feel like. And that wasn't it. But it was there. It wasn't gone yet. I recited the sentence to myself over and over again like a mantra, "it's still there, it's still there, it's still there, it's till there," and began checking him over quickly, trying to find the source of the blood. I muttered to him as well, pleading with him to hear me and to wake up. Begging him not to leave me.
It didn't take me long to find the cause. Stretching down his side where a chunk of his cloak was missing was a frighteningly deep, open gash that was spilling blood at an alarming rate, the edges jagged and tender. His other arm was curled beneath him, his fingers red, as if he had been trying to stem the flow before he passed out.
"Oh God Riku, no!" I cried, "Don't do this!" Tears began to stream down my cheeks, but I ignored them, attempting focus on the spell. "Don't do this." I whispered more softly. I took a deep breath, concentrating, praying for my hands to stop quavering. "Cure!"
My hands warmed with a green light that leapt from my palms to his side and into his wound, binding the skin together.
I held my breath as the spell ended, waiting. Nothing happened at first, but then I saw his hand twitch, and he groaned.
I sighed in relief, a wide grin breaking across my face.
"Namine?" he muttered. I took a shaky breath and nodded, forgetting that he couldn't see me.
Before I could stop him, he began to try to turn himself over.
"Shh, Riku, no." I whispered, pushing him gently back down. "Let me help." I carefully slid my hand beneath him and helped him flip himself over. He began to lift himself up, and I put my arms around him in case he slipped
I gasped as his face hit the light. I couldn't help it. It was caked with dirt and blood, and a long cut that I hadn't seen snaked its way down his neck. My cure spell must have reached it anyway though, because it wasn't bleeding anymore.
There was a thin black blindfold tied around his eyes.
He moaned as he was completely exposed to the bright lights, cringing and twisting as if something was burning him. He collapsed slightly, nearly passing out again.
"Riku!" I shrieked, gripping him before he could fall back, holding him in my arms.
"Namine, could you t-turn off the light!" he struggled, twisting in my grasp.
"What?"
"Turn off the light!" he gasped, beginning to writhe in pain.
"Oh, yeah, of course."
I ran over to the switch and flipped it off, trying not to think of why he could possibly want me to do so.
The second the light went off I heard him sigh in relief, and I rushed back over to his side where he was beginning to sit up.
"Riku… what happened?" I whispered.
He didn't respond.
My eyes adjusted to the darkness slowly, and when I finally could see, I realized that he was looking at me. His gaze burrowed into my skin, and I was thankful for the darkness as I blushed.
I looked back at him, trying to imagine what could have possibly occurred that he wouldn't tell me. He always told me.
I wanted to see his eyes, to find out if they were frightened, or angry, or hurt. But he still had that strange blindfold on.
I reached up my hand slowly, not sure what I was planning even as I did it. Surprise filled me at my own daring. Riku hardly seemed to notice, his gaze was still on me, seeming to burn into my soul as he battled with himself whether or not to tell me.
My fingers brushed his cheek, just barely touching him. He froze and his breath caught in his chest, his mouth parting slightly in shock.
His skin was feverishly hot – it nearly burned my hand. But I didn't care. Because I was finally touching his face.
Butterflies tossed and turned in my stomach as sparks flew from his cheek into my fingers. I placed my hand more firmly, stroking his skin. It was flawless, soft and sweet, and my would-be-heart pounded frantically in my chest.
I sighed and blinked rapidly, trying to clear the lovely haze that seemed to fill my head whenever I was with him.
Nearly completely off their own accord my hands drifted up to his blindfold. I had to see his eyes.
My fingers curled around the strip…
And faster than I could blink, his hand was clamped around my wrist in an iron hold. It didn't hurt in the slightest, but there was no way I could move my hand even if I wanted to.
I straightened my fingers immediately, completely taken aback.
Riku was breathing heavily, and I sensed he was looking at me again. His face was tortured.
"Don't." He whispered passionately.
I gazed at him, dizzy from lack of oxygen. It took me a second to realize it was because I wasn't breathing. I think I forgot how.
Just then, the light flicked on, and Riku dropped my hand, wincing horribly.
I spun my head back in alarm, shifting so I was directly in front of Riku.
He managed to get up enough strength to push me out of the way until I was behind his arm, as it to protect me instead.
To my extreme relief, it was only Diz and Mickey.
Riku hissed in pain so quietly I barely heard it come from behind me, but I remembered.
"Diz, turn off the light!" Diz's eyes darted from me to Riku and back again, and although he didn't show it, I could feel my previous confusion spread through him.
After what seemed like an eternity he raised his hand deliberately and shut off the light. Mickey raced over to Riku, grabbing his hand and looking over his injuries.
"Riku, what happened!" He said.
"He's hurt." I blurted awkwardly, even though Mickey could obviously see that. I felt Riku's eyes flicker up to me gratefully.
Diz swept over, careful to avoid the glass, and I jumped out of the way to give them some room.
"He has quite a few bruises, and some broken ribs, I think." He murmured after a moment. "And these lacerations will have to be taken care of. The cure spell stopped the bleeding, but it will take more than spells to heal these because they were born of a keyblade. He'll have to rest for a while. However, Mickey, perhaps you could fix his ribs."
Mickey nodded. Diz rose to his feet and turned to Riku.
"Can you stand?" Riku paused, looking at nothing. Eventually his mouth set and he nodded.
"Yeah."
I made myself watch him struggle to his feet. He needed to use the counter for support, managing somehow to keep a straight face and not to cry out. I knew if no one was here he would have been reeling in agony. I wanted more than anything to turn away, to run up to my room and hide under the covers and never turn back… but I couldn't. My feet might as well have been bolted to the floor for all the good my legs were doing. It was like trying to lift boulders.
I was trembling by the time he stood up completely, hardly able to keep myself from running over to his side to help him. If he wasn't so damn proud…
Riku took his hand off the counter, and I stifled the urge to throw up as I noticed that he was quivering too. He tried to step forward, but the minute he shifted his weight, his legs gave and he fell to the floor.
A ghastly wail echoed through the kitchen, and Mickey and Diz's head snapped over to me. My hand was outstretched towards him, and I had taken a step forward. It took me another second to realize that the horrible noise had come from me. Tears were spilling over onto my cheeks, and I was very near going into hysterics.
Mickey turned away, back to Riku, but Diz continued to stare at me, his eyes livid. I dropped my hand immediately, shame and embarrassment welling in my chest. Diz finally twisted back to Riku.
"Mickey, help me bring him to my study." He growled
Together the two of them lifted Riku to his feet, and the three began limping to Diz's room.
Just as they were at the doorway Diz turned to me.
"Clean up this mess." He spat. Mickey turned too, looking from me to Diz as if he had something to say, but decided better of it and continued to drag apply.
I bit my lip and glared at Diz, my tears slowing, but he left before I could reply.
I reached under the sink and grabbed a dustpan, small broom, and rag.
I knelt down to the floor and began with the glass, picking up the blood - stained lilies and sweeping the shards into the pan. I tried to stay angry at Diz, to focus only on the anger, but it was slipping away more quickly than I could hold onto it.
What it left behind was a sharp, raging sadness. I felt tears flood the corners of my eyes as I stood up to the throw the flowers and glass away; and by the time I was back onto my hands and knees they were flowing freely down my cheeks.
I turned on the sink and ran the rag under the stream, then began to wipe up the cloudy blood-water. I finished quickly and started down the thin line that had led me to where he was laying. I looked up and could still see him perfectly, crumpled motionless on the floor.
My breathing spiked and grew haggard, and I was crying so I hard I could hardly see the floor.
I sat up for a minute and wiped my eyes as I got to the end of the counter. I held my breath, trying to get a hold of myself. I had to figure out how to get all of his bl- all of it off the floor.
I looked down at the puddle of blood, and without warning, another horrible, aching, gasping noise ripped from my throat, and before I knew it I couldn't see it again.
The sobs were wracking my whole body, but I took a deep breath, and tried to force myself to be quiet.
He was almost dead. He was so close to dead. And it was my fault, all my fault. If I had never erased Sora's memories none of this would have happened; and Riku's blood wouldn't be staining the wood floor.
I got back on my hands and knees and, gripping the rag so tightly my fingers turned white, I began to scrub, trying to somehow remove the blotches and pools from the floor. I felt his blood soak my fingers, and it was like dousing them in acid. My tears fell from my face and mixed into the enormous pool, making it that much harder to rinse away
I had been working for fifteen minutes when I realized that the rag was full to the brim, and for the past several minutes I had just been pushing the blood back and forth across the planks.
I stumbled blindly over to the sink and ran the faucet, twisting the rag and watching the red liquid run down the drain. I threw the cloth aside for a minute and held up my hands, watching the blood water trickle down them. My fingers were a grisly red, and I wondered dully if blood stained skin.
I wondered if this was what it felt like to die. Everything was so… fuzzy, and impossible to understand. The lights were too bright, the silence too loud, the memories too vivid. I was somewhere on the ceiling, floating, looking down on a poor scrawny blonde girl with red eyes and red hands who didn't know what to do with herself anymore. I was grateful that I was on the ceiling instead of on the floor with her, and even more grateful that I didn't have a body to feel with. Having one was not even close to worth it – everything just hurt so damn much.
I fell down onto my knees and crawled over to Riku's spot, scrubbing again.
It didn't take long for the rag to soak up the rest of the blood, but even when the liquid was gone the shadow remained, mocking me, promising to always tell what had happened there. The blood had seeped into the wood, clinging to the strands of bark and refusing to let go. And the wood held onto it desperately, close to it's heart, a forbidden secret that it would never have to let go of.
I scrubbed harder.
But it wouldn't come out.
My haggard breathing became hyperventilation. More tears than I knew my eyes could produce streamed down my cheeks. So I gave in. I sobbed, great, screeching, heaving sobs that echoed through the kitchen, reaching a new poignancy as I stopped trying to hold them in.
I scrubbed until my hands were raw and sore, but the pain felt good, so I scrubbed even harder.
I scrubbed and wept more violently than I ever had in my entire life.
And it still wouldn't come out.
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I spun around, gasping, my eyes blotchy and my nose running.
It was Mickey. He was looking at me with the most peculiar expression on his face. It was like he was watching someone being burned at the stake.
It took me a second to realize that that was exactly how I felt – I was being razed to my core, prodded with white-hot pokers until I melted and simmered. I couldn't breathe.
My sobs caught in my throat, and my breathing slowed.
Mickey frowned and sighed, shaking his head. I could have sworn I saw a tear tumble down his face.
"Namine…" He began, but I cut him off.
"It won't come out." I gasped, the tears starting up again, harder than they had the entire night, which was saying something. I really don't know why I bothered trying to talk. It came out like garbled mush anyway. "I k-keep sc-scrubbing a-and scrubbing, and it – it won't come out!" I was hyperventilating again by the end of my sentence, and sobbing in between, gasping for breath.
"Namine –"
"I did this." I burst out, unable to hold it in any longer. The horrible truth that had been gnawing at me since… forever. "I did this. I'm responsible. I e-erased Sora's memories, and manipulated him and e-everyone. I d-did this. And now S-Sora's asleep, and R-R-Riku's blood is s-stained into the floor and I did this. I'm the reason he's hurt, the reason that everything is messed up, and that he- that he almost… And I-I-"
"It's ok, Namine" Mickey soothed, but I cut him off angrily before he could continue, my eyes flashing up to his face.
"No! It's not ok! Riku and Sora are the only two in the entire world that have ever even shown me a hint of kindness, much less been my friend. And with Riku, it was real! And both of them, when they got to close to me, I hurt them! I broke them! What kind of a person am I? They are so wonderful, so good, and I am destroying them. And even when I destroy them, they're still good. Riku is dying because of me! All because of ME!" I sobbed, wrapping my arms around my chest in a weak attempt to keep myself from ripping in two.
"Namine." Mickey cried, taking hold of the hand that was holding the rag, making me look up in surprise. He shook his head sadly, welling up.
"We have all had a part in this. You. Me. Diz. Riku. Organization XIII," He urged, "Ansem, Xehanort. Even Sora himself! You can't blame yourself for this. It is not merely your mistakes that have brought us to this point. And we all make mistakes. You can't bring this upon yourself. We share the blame, all of us." He murmured gently.
"What if he isn't okay?" I whispered. Mickey looked shocked.
"Namine, he's going to be fine! Really, I mean Diz is just fixing on the bandages now-"
"No." I cut him off again. "I know he'll be okay now. But what about next time? When he goes out again. Because he is gonna have to go out again, right?" My voice broke. I didn't wait for Mickey to try to deny this; as it was he looked at a loss for words. "What if he dies? It would be all my fault. And I know," I added quickly, seeing that Mickey was going to interrupt again, "that technically we would have all had a part to play – but I would still blame myself. And I… I couldn't… I wouldn't s-survive… I couldn't live through that. What if he isn't fine? What if Sora isn't fine? What if we're really not fine?" I whispered desperately, tears flowing in a quiet but steady line down my cheek. I covered my face in my hands, allowing my sobs to take over for the hundredth time.
"Oh Namine." He said, and drew me into a hug. I was surprised at first, but quickly wrapped my arms around him, clutching him as if he was the only thing holding me to the earth. And at that moment, really, he was.
After a minute he let go and pulled my hands from over my face, looking me directly in the eye.
"The important thing is that right now, we are fine. Riku is fine, and you're fine. And that's all that matters." He said gently, resting his hand on the side of my face. My tears slowed as I looked at him. "Don't bother worrying about the future. That'll come eventually, and we'll worry about it when we have to. But don't beat yourself up about things that haven't happened. That's no way to live, especially in times like these. So chin up."
He managed to smile, a genuine, understanding and hopeful smile. And I actually smiled a little back.
"Thank you Mickey." I said, my voice thick with emotion.
"Your welcome Namine. But… you have to promise me something. Promise me that you will stop blaming yourself, and that no matter what happens, you will force yourself to remember that despite what you may think, you are NOT the reason these things happened, that there were many other players that led up to that point. Do you promise?"
My mouth dropped slightly in shock, and more tears pushed at the back of my eyes, but I nodded.
"I promise." I breathed, breaking down again. I leaned back into him, allowing myself to cry my eyes dry. Mickey didn't say anything, but simply rubbed my back, a gesture so caring and perfect that fresh tears worked their way through me.
It seemed like hours later when I finally looked up and wiped my eyes, smiling in spite of myself.
"You should go to bed now, Namine. I know you haven't been sleeping these past few nights." My eyes widened in shock. How could he possibly know that? He looked at me, raising his eyebrows in the kind of 'oh please, how could I not know' way. "Riku is home, and he's going to be alright. Now go get some sleep."
I was about to nod when I looked at the floor behind me.
"But I have to-"
"I'll do that." He said, taking the rag from me. I let it slip through my fingers easily, grateful to get out of my hands. For a while I had actually forgotten that I was holding it.
"Now go upstairs, wash yourself off a bit, and I'll give you something that will help you fall asleep. Okay?"
I nodded. I was suddenly exhausted – it was like my bones had turned to jelly. My crying had left me feeling strangely empty, as if all my emotions had leaked out with my tears.
I rose to my feet and began towards the door, turning back when I got to the end of the counter.
"Goodnight Mickey. And thanks again."
"Goodnight Namine. Sweet dreams."
"Sweet dreams."
I turned and dragged myself up the stairs, stopping in the bathroom to wash the blood off my arms and hands. To my extreme horror I noticed in the mirror that it was not only on my hands, but on my face as well. It took me a bit longer than I expected. .
When I got back to my room there was a steaming glass on my bedside table filled with a strange gold liquid. I drank it without hesitation, not bothering to smell it or test the temperature. It turned out to be perfect, not too hot or cold, and it tasted like a mixture of something delightfully warm and woody, and hot chocolate. Whatever he put into it worked – I had hardly finished the glass when I felt my eyelids droop. I threw back the covers and took off my clothes simultaneously, putting on my PJs while sitting in bed.
I settled into my cool sheets, feeling more comfortable and safe and warm than I had in days.
I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
******
I could have slept forever and still felt that I needed another five minutes.
My body felt incredibly heavy, as if I couldn't move it even if I wanted to. My eyelids were the worst – not that I wanted to open them anyway. Opening them would just reinforce reality.
But I had had the worst nightmares. Riku had never come home, and when he did I found him on the kitchen floor, bleeding and broken, half dead. And it was all my fault.
I stretched the dead weights I had for arms, getting the feeling that I had been asleep a lot longer than I had thought. Why did it always seem that the longer you slept the more tired you were?
I opened my eyes slowly, trying to get my bearings, when I realized that there was someone sitting at the edge of my bed.
I bolted upright and blinked rapidly, trying to focus, breathing heavily. My vision finally cleared, and I realized it was Riku. His shock of silver hair fell neatly down his back and his cloak was clean and in one piece, but he had a strange blindfold on.
It came rushing back to me almost instantaneously. My nightmare wasn't a dream. It was real.
"Riku." I gasped, running my hand through my hair, trying to make some sense out of what was happening. A million questions flooded my mind. Where had he been? What happened? Was he still hurt? Why was he wearing that blindfold? I decided to start with the easiest.
"How long have I been asleep?"
"Well, Mickey said that you passed out at around three last night. Right now it's about five – in the afternoon." He said, laughing quietly.
"Jesus…" I muttered. I grabbed the brush on my bedside table and began to yank it through my hair, doing my best not to look at him.
I looked down and realized that I was still in my PJs, which also happened to be on backwards. I must have been more out of it than I thought last night. I swung my hair forward to hide the blush that was creeping up my neck
"Um, could I have a minute?"
"Sure."
I ran over to my drawer, grabbed one of my dresses and sprinted to the bathroom, the cold floor sending chills all up my feet.
I got ready in a hurry, washing my face and brushing my teeth as quickly as possible. As soon as I was sure I was presentable, and that my clothes were on right, I rushed back to the other room, my face and eyes bright. Riku was leaning against the wall, staring at nothing, pretending not to notice when I came in. I took the opportunity to make my bed, trying to hold off what I knew was not going to be a pleasant conversation for as long as possible.
When I was done, I had no choice but to sit down. Riku sank into the freshly straightened sheets next to me, still not saying anything
After a few awkward moments of silence, Riku finally spoke.
"Thanks, you know, for last night. I'd – I'd be dead if it weren't you."
There it was. I felt my tender resolve breaking far more quickly than I had expected it to. I shifted myself so I was facing him, then wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his shoulder.
"Oh Riku." I mumbled into his jacket, inhaling deeply, trying to memorize the wonderful smell of him. To my extreme embarrassment, I began to cry.
"What?" He said, taken aback.
"I was so worried."
He paused for a minute, completely shocked by my reaction, then wrapped his arms around me, adjusting me until I was sitting on his lap, leaning into his shoulder.
"Shh, it's alright Namine, don't worry, I'm here now. It's alright." He murmured into my hair.
I shifted slightly to get a better look at his face, and heard him inhale sharply in pain. I jerked away from him and crawled over back onto the bed, my head snapping up in fear to meet his gaze.
"No, don't worry, I'm just a little sore." He said, smiling easily, holding his arms open for me. Guilt shredded through me, so much so that I thought it was going to tear me apart. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to numb the throbbing that continued to emanate from my swollen chest. I turned my face away from Riku, unable to look at him.
"I am so sorry. This is all my fault. If I hadn't… with Sora, then we would be – you would be…"
He silenced me by placing a hand on my cheek, gently drawing my face upward. He ran his hands lightly through my hair, sending shivers down my spine.
"We are all to blame for this." He said softly. And for some reason, I believed him.
I continued to cry anyway, and Riku held me close, whispering in my ear and running his hands through my hair until I was done.
I finally stopped, and turned to him, ready to ask another question. The most difficult.
"Riku, what happened?"
He looked away from me, lines of sadness and worry that were far too profound for a teenage boy of sixteen crossing his face. His mouth was firmly set, as if he was determined never to say.
"Please. You can tell me."
He looked down at me, indecision clouding his expression, before he gave a curt nod.
"I know." He muttered. He turned away again, taking his arms from around me.
"There were a lot more of them than I expected." He began unsteadily. I nodded to him in encouragement. "Diz said there shouldn't be that many, that they hadn't infiltrated the Radiant Guardians completely. He was wrong. I was losing… badly. And then…" He cut off, unable to continue. He twisted his head to look at me. "Do you remember in Castle Oblivion, how Ansem was… troubling me. And I said I didn't want you to lock up my heart, that I'd rather face him. Well, I won that battle… but he's still there. He always has been, I've just been able to ignore him… most of the time.
"But then, in Hollow Bastion – I was dying. They knew it and I knew it. One was coming up to finish me, and I was about to pass out when all of a sudden, there was this… energy… running through me . I wasn't cured, but my wounds didn't hurt anymore. I stopped bleeding. And I could fight. I had so much… power. It was… unlike anything." I was hardly able to hide my shivers as he said this, poorly masking the longing in his voice. "But before I could do anything, even block the one that was coming at me, or move for that matter... I don't really know what happened. The split second after I realized that I wasn't bleeding… it was like I was dropped in a bucket of ice water. I closed me eyes, but as quickly as it happened, it was over. And when I opened my eyes… I was Ansem." His voice broke. I managed to keep my face smooth, knowing that that was what he needed - but on the inside I felt like everything inside me was breaking. "Then it was like instinct. I fought, and I killed them all in less than a minute. I was terrified and disgusted, but there wasn't anything I could do. I had to fight. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. It was like I was a prisoner to my own body. But, then, when I – he – had killed all the nobodies and heartless, I changed back. I was shocked, I had no idea what had happened.
"I didn't want to go home. And for a while, I didn't. But then the darkness began to ebb, and the energy left and my injuries got worse. I knew I would die if I didn't go back. It was… an impossible decision. I was very close to not coming back… I'm still wondering if it was the right thing to do."
"Riku!" I gasped, "Of course it was… I mean… if you hadn't come back… I don't know what I would have… and think about Mickey, and Sora, and Kairi, they need you! I need you…" I added in barely more than a whisper, unsure of whether or not he heard me.
"That's not the point!" He yelled, leaping to his feet and storming around the room. "I was Ansem! And I couldn't control it. I can't control it! And the worst part was that power… it was… incredible." He looked down at his hands, holding them up and clenching them into fists. He hardly even said the last word, but I could still hear the absolute terror in his voice. He turned back to me, walking closer until he was practically on top of me. "I can't control it Namine. And he can't… I can't let him take control of me. Sometimes I wish I was dead, just so I didn't have to worry about hurting those that I love. I mean, if I ever hurt…" He cut himself off. He leaned against the wall and sank down, his face in his hands. I felt my chest throb, threatening to tear open again. How could he think that? How could he ever wish that?
I walked over and sank down in front of him, pulling his hands away from his face. His cheeks were stained with tears and his face was tortured. He looked like there was a match being held beneath his heart, and he was being burned from the inside out. My chest ached.
"Riku…you are the kindest, strongest person that I know. And nothing can change that. Your darkness is a part of you, but it isn't you. I know you won't let it take over. I know you could never… that you would never…"
"How could you possibly know that? I'm hardly even Riku anymore. It's this blindfold that keeps him in. For some reason now it's easier to… control myself when I wear it. I'm not sure why. Ever since I changed into I've had to wear it, just to keep him in. But if that, a measly strip of black, is all that's keeping me Riku, then I suppose I'm more Ansem than anything else."
I shook my head in disbelief, putting my hand on the side of his face like I did last night. Tears continued to fall down my own face.
"Can you really believe that? Riku?"
He had turned away from me, brushing my hand from his cheek.
"Riku?" I whispered. "Riku, look at me, please." I practically begged. He didn't move, and to my surprise, I felt myself getting angry. Not just angry, livid.How could this be happening? He didn't deserve this. And now he would exile himself, surround himself in his self-hatred until he had thoroughly convinced himself he was a monster. I had seen him try to do it before. But I had always known how to stop it. Now… I had no idea what to do.
"Look at me!" He pretended not to hear or see me.
"Riku, look at me!
"Goddammit, look at me!" I cried as I banged my fist on my bedside table. His gaze shot up to me in surprise, and I sighed in wonder. Even if I couldn't see it, I could literally feel his eyes finally meet mine after all this time.
I put my hands on either side of his face before he could stop me, stroking his cheek tenderly with my index finger. His skin was on fire, like last night. But he was still Riku.
"You are still Riku." I said desperately, intensity threading through my voice. "And if you could only see how bright your light is, even in your darkness, you would never have doubted that."
His mouth opened in surprise, and I watched as he battled with himself, desperate to believe me. Finally, he let out a long, low breath, and shook his head slightly. He didn't look away from me.
"Thank you, Namine." He whispered, and relief surged through me. I was about to take my hands from his face when, to my surprise, his hand shot up and held one of mine there. He seemed to deliberate for a second, then his mouth set. He pulled my hand gently over to his mouth, where he proceeded to kiss the top of my fist. My breath caught in my chest, and sparks leapt down to my stomach. Impossible.
I felt his eyes dart from my hand to my face.
And without warning he pulled me in and pressed his lips lightly to mine.
If I had a heart, it would have stopped.
He broke away after a minute, breathing heavily.
The room was spinning, and my mind was blur. A wonderful, fantastic blur.
I looked up at him, and bit my lip before smiling shyly. He smiled too, a half crooked smile that sent my blood racing.
But I couldn't read his expression with the blindfold. I wanted to see his eyes – I had to see his eyes. And I was ridiculously curious.
Without realizing what I was doing, I placed my hands on either side of his face.
I felt his breathing halt, probably thinking I was going to kiss him again. But before he could stop me, I grabbed the strip and pulled it off.
I couldn't help but gasp. Terror flooded my stomach - a knee jerk reaction from suddenly seeing Ansem's face instead of Riku's two inches from my own. My hand flew over my mouth, but the fear vanished as quickly as it had come as I remembered that it was still Riku. No realization, however, could have stopped the excruciating sadness that filled me as I saw him. Pity welled inside me, threatening to drown me. Tears began to stream down my face.
"Riku…" I whispered, moving to put my hand on his face again. He jerked away. He reached down and picked up the blindfold, tying it securely before rising to his feet. The second it was on he looked like Riku again, but I still couldn't stop crying.
"I am so sorry, Riku. I just – just wanted to…"
He began to walk away.
"No, please don't go!" I cried, grabbing his hand. He jerked it away.
"What, you aren't afraid of me? Was what you said all a lie? The truth would have been easier, you know. It's not like you kept it up for very long, you hardly lasted five minutes. Now, what, I make an idiot of myself and get reassured that I really am a monster." There was a wretched self-loathing in his voice that made my heart break. I shook my head in disbelief. How could he ever say that?
"You think I'm afraid of you?" I whispered. He stopped short as he heard the honest sincerity and disbelief in my voice. "I could never be afraid of you… Riku… you're - you're my best friend. My only friend." I rose to my feet and began to walk towards him. To my extreme relief, he didn't back away. "You like me for me. You are the kindest, bravest, most compassionate person I know. I could never… ever… be a afraid of you. When you're with me, I feel… happy. And then when you leave, even if you just leave the room, it's like you take all the oxygen with you. When you're not here… I can't breathe." I laughed to myself half-heartedly. I swallowed. "I-I love you… Riku." I said breathlessly before I could stop myself.
He was completely frozen, staring at me in wonder. I felt my horror drop into my stomach like a rock at what I had just said. How had I just said that. I could feel the heat entering my cheeks, and my breathing sped up. Why did I say that? Why did I tell him that. My stomach tossed and turned, threatening to make me throw up. I wanted to stop existing, just crawl into a corner and die, so I wouldn't have to hear his withering rejection.
Finally he managed to speak.
"Really?" He whispered.
I nodded, humiliation rocking me to my core. Why had I said that? I was such an idiot.
To me extreme surprise, he broke into a wide grin, seeming to completely forget the past few minutes. He crossed the small space between us in a few steps and leaned into me, crushing his lips against mine. It was hard to tell which was greater; my absolute shock, or my absolute joy.
He broke away for half a second, still smiling. We stood there for half a second, gazing at each other. And then, simultaneously, we leaned in and kissed each other again.
My hands entwined themselves in his soft, sliver hair, and his hands ran down the length of my back, sending shivers up my spine.
He pulled me closer to him, his breathing heavy as my lips parted beneath his. He sighed and moaned gently, and I felt fire sweep through my veins. I clutched at his face and stroked his cheeks, rejoicing that I could touch his perfect face.
If I had a heart, I knew it would be pirouetting in my chest. I imagined it was there, and for a few seconds I almost thought I could feel my racing pulse.
His hands went further down my back, and joy spiked through me. I turned my head to the side as I ran my fingers through his hair, and he began to kiss all down my neck and over my collarbone, leaving a trail of heat wherever his lips touched.
I drew his face back up to mine and began to kiss him again, hurriedly, desperately, as if afraid that he would disappear suddenly and I would wake up to find out that it was all a dream.
I felt him lift me slightly, and I jumped up and threw my legs around his torso, wanting to get as close to him as was humanly possible. I wanted to sink into his skin, be a part of him, so he would never have to stop touching me.
His hands grabbed the underside of my thighs, and he walked carefully over to my bed, never breaking the kiss. He set me down gently, then knelt over me, his hands and knees on either side. His long silver hair fell over me, almost touching the bed, and I stroked his face as he gazed at me, affection and a gentle longing making his eyes sparkle – and making me dizzy. I smiled up at him, and he down at me. The last few minutes, the last few hours, the last few days, the last year, might as well not have existed.
My hands drifted up to the ties of his robe, never breaking eye contact with him. I pulled down on it gently, and the cloak opened to reveal his flawless chest. He did the rest for me, slipping off the heavy black material and throwing to the floor. Underneath he wore black pants and boots, but no shirt.
He ran his hand along my jaw, and I felt up and down his arms, marveling at his perfection. They were muscled and smooth, a gleaming shade of alabaster. I moved my hands down to his chest, allowing my fingers to explore his toned stomach and sides. He began to breathe heavily again, and his eyes clouded over. I dropped my hand and he looked at me, then bent down and began to kiss me again.
Electricity sang through my fingers, my lips, my head, my feet, my everywhere, and I felt the room spin even faster. I kissed him back hungrily, my lips parting as I cherished the moment.
I clung to him as if he were the last thing to hold on to, wishing more than anything that this was his answer, and that it meant what I thought it did. He ran his arms down my sides and through my hair, making warmth bloom and spread throughout my whole body. I wrapped my legs around his torso, franticly trying to get closer to him, wanting nothing more than to melt into his skin. It was like I had never felt anything before, like he was waking me up from a sleep that had lasted far too many winters. This was what it felt like to be alive. Our lips moved together, completely in sync, dancing and I allowed his mouth to explore mine. He was everywhere, he was everything, but I still couldn't get enough. I loved everything about him, his taste, his smell his touch. He ran his fingers across my stomach and hips, sending jolts of happiness racing across my skin. It was better than anything I had ever felt. I honestly couldn't imagine anything in the entire world ever feeling better. I ran my fingers down his chest, amazed at how defined it was even under his black cloak. Cloud nine couldn't possibly be better.
Eventually, much too soon, though, he broke away. He was still grinning.
"I have dreamed of hearing you say that since the first day I came here." He murmured, putting his hand on the side of my face. I held it there, smiling, tears of happiness threatening to overflow onto my cheeks.
"Namine, I love you so much."
I closed my eyes as he said this, laughing to myself.
"What?" he chuckled, raising his eyebrows.
"Is this a dream? Am I dreaming?" I demanded. He laughed harder.
"I promise you, you are one hundred percent awake."
"How could I be? I mean, this kind of stuff doesn't happen. Especially to… people like me." He grinned even wider, and kissed me again. But my smile had fallen away. Riku didn't noticed and continued.
"Or to me." He laughed before gently trailing his lips down my collarbone. I shivered with delight, wrapping my arms more tightly around him, trying not to let my mind wander.
"Oh well, it does now. Besides, I don't think normalcy was ever really our style." He murmured as his mouth drifted up to the side of my face and he began to kiss along my jaw.
I turned my face away slightly, feeling sick to my stomach. I remembered, for what seemed like the first time in what seemed like ages, but what was really only days, what I was. I was not human. I did not fall in the category of "people." I was a Nobody. I didn't have a heart. And according to all reason and logic, I couldn't love.
So why did the words always feel so right in my mouth?
Riku turned back to look at me, beaming. I tried to smile back. But I was being torn up inside. The idea that I could have emotions seemed silly now, too good to be true. And worse than the fact that I technically had no heart and couldn't love Riku, was the fact that he didn't know. He thought I was human. And I had no idea what he would do when he found out.
Because I had to tell him. Even if it would ruin everything, I owed him that much. People don't do that to the ones they love. And I did love Riku. No matter what Diz said, or what logic said, I loved Riku and cared for him more than anything in existence.
I opened my mouth, almost about to tell him. But I shut it again quickly, chickening out. How could I tell him? I couldn't. But I had to.
"Riku, I need to tell you something. Something important. Something about me."
He turned my face to him, furrowing his brow at my change in tone. "Whatever it is Namine, it'll be alright. I promise." He smiled, "Now smile. Whatever it is we can talk about it later. For now… let's just be happy for a little while. And whatever it is, it won't matter to me." He pulled me onto his lap. "For now, just… bear with me, and save the bad news for tomorrow."
I smiled easily. "Okay." I whispered, more than happy to save this conversation for another day. For now, I would be happy and hold him for as long as I could.
He leaned in, and pressed his lips gently to mine. I ran my fingers throw his hair and down his neck, entwining them in the soft tangles. I pushed my thoughts to the back of my mind, and simply let myself melt into him and love him, without any scrutiny or objection.