This is a follow on from "The First Time" which is M rated. It's not essential you read that (and I know M rated is not everyone's thing) but the general background is that Matt and Abby have been growing closer as they help each other get over their respective break ups, and end up sleeping together after a night out. But Matt leaves in the middle of the night, leaving Abby confused about where their relationship is going...
Hope you enjoy this instalment...
Abby picked up her phone for the fourth time in the space of a couple of hours, just to see if she'd missed any calls or text messages, then chastised herself and threw it onto the sofa. What was she doing? This wasn't her and he'd never said he'd call anyway. Why would she even think he would?
Because last night had changed everything, that's why.
She could still feel the warmth of him, a tingle of pleasure dancing in her groin as she briefly closed her eyes and remembered what had happened. She'd been trying to push it to the back of her mind as she went about her normal weekend chores, dismiss it as a one off even, but it was not going away.
What was he thinking right now? What had been going through his head when he left some time during the night? She certainly hadn't expected him to call her first thing and declare undying love for her, but she would've thought he'd at least have acknowledged that something had happened by now. Or was the thought that he'd slept with her so disgusting to him that he was completely avoiding the issue?
Matt wasn't like that though. He was someone that faced up to his responsibilities. If he regretted what happened, he'd have made some kind of apology and tried to clear the air before it festered into awkwardness and had a detrimental effect on their work. So there had to be something else, and the only way she was going to know for certain was for her to take control. She had to call him.
She half expected to just get his voicemail, but he answered within three rings. Hearing his soft voice in her ear made her breath hitch slightly, and then her heart began to pound. Excitement? Nerves?
"I think we need to talk, face to face," she said. She tried to imagine his face, was he smiling warmly at the thought of seeing her again, or was he full of panic trying to find an excuse not to meet up.
"I suppose you're right," he responded. "We can't just leave things as they are until Monday. Where do you suggest?"
After a little discussion, they decided on a mutually neutral place; a spot at the top of a hill on the outskirts of town popular with photographers, bird watchers and amateur astronomers because of its high elevation. There'd been an anomaly there some months ago and Abby had felt drawn to the place since.
She was early, as usual. She liked time to gather her thoughts, go over what she wanted to say. There were a few people around, but it was quiet enough for them to be able to have a chat in private. She found a bench where she would be able to see Matt approaching and waited.
He was late, not like him at all. She'd almost given up on him and was about to start back down the hill to her car when she saw him pulling into the car park. He sat in the car, not moving, seeming to glance up in her direction. Abby supposed he was as nervous as she was, and so he should be. He was the one with explaining to do, he was the one who had left without saying goodbye and then hadn't called.
She thought about going down to him, but what would she say once she got there? She'd already been the one to make the first move by arranging to meet. This next move was his. Finally, he got out, locked the door and started on the pathway towards where she was sitting.
"Abby," Matt called as he drew closer. She tried to read his expression, but Matt was the master of the poker face and she couldn't work out whether he was pleased to see her or not.
"I'm glad you agreed to talk," she said. "I think we need to..."
"I'm sorry about last night."
"Sorry? Sorry you left without even saying goodbye or sorry you slept with me?"
She watched his eyes change, the only outward sign of his uneasiness. This was going to be the 'it's not you, it's me' talk.
"I don't have any regrets about sleeping with you, Abby."
"So why did you leave?" Abby could hear the tone of her voice and realised she sounded harsh, confrontational even. Did Matt deserve to be spoken to like that?
"I'm sorry. I'm just not very good at this relationship thing, and after Emily..." he stopped and seemed to be searching for the words he wanted to say.
Abby softened. Of course, she should've realised. He was still hurting after Emily left him, and wary of getting into another relationship. She tried to remember her own feelings at 'three months after the break up', and yes, there was no way she'd be thinking about getting into a relationship again.
"I'm sorry too," she said, "You really loved her, didn't you?"
"I thought I did. Maybe I just don't know what love really is." He sighed and sniffed, then settled on the bench next to her. She reached for his hand, but he moved it away.
They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity until Abby decided she needed to break the ice. "You never really said what went wrong with you and Emily. We were all shocked when she left."
"Emily longed for independence. She wanted the freedom to come and go as she pleased, to dress how she wanted, to take a job and not have to rely on anyone else. But she also struggled to shake off her Victorian upbringing. We were never intimate... she couldn't possibly sleep with a man she wasn't married to, yet when I did ask her to marry me..." He sighed. "Like I said, I'm not very good at relationships. I thought women wanted romance, and for a man to be faithful and commit to something."
"And because Emily ran a mile, you were afraid I would too after we'd slept together?" Matt simply nodded, and Abby reached for his hand. This time he allowed her to squeeze it and then tangled his fingers into hers.
After a few more moments of silence, Matt turned the conversation to Abby. "You were in love with Connor?"
"Yes. We had a very unique relationship, some of the things we went through together... There was a time when I really couldn't imagine life without him. But after New Dawn, we both still found it hard to trust each other... if Connor worked late, I would question him, if he found me in his office he'd check his computer. We started to snap at each other and within months..." She felt Matt's fingers tighten around her hand and she knew he understood. He'd been the one that had listened to her during the final weeks of her time with Connor before they had come to the mutual decision to end things.
"How did you do it,Abby? How did you get from the point of breaking to now?"
"I suppose it was easier for me since Connor and I saw the end coming and it was a mutual decision, but it still hurt and I felt empty for a long time, wallowing in self pity and taking my frustrations out on the punching bag at the gym."
Matt laughed, "Yes, been there, done that too!"
"Then I felt a need to prove I was still attractive, that Connor wasn't the only guy that fancied me. The first guy I slept with came back to my flat, we had sex and he left pretty much straight away. I found that I didn't even care that he didn't leave his phone number. The second guy was a tourist and we went back to his hotel room. He rolled over and went to sleep, I ordered some expensive champagne on room service, charged it to his room and took it home with me." She smiled at the memory. It was a brief return to the old Abby, the person she'd been before she worked at the ARC, but she quickly realised it wasn't who she was any more.
"Rebound sex was great for a while, but I much preferred having an evening with a friend." Matt looked up and made eye contact with her for the first time since they'd met. He released her hand and stroked her cheek. Abby closed her eyes, taken back to last night on her doorstep and that kiss that led to something she'd not expected.
"So was last night an evening with a friend or was it rebound sex?"
"Neither," Abby breathed.
"I'm not very good at relationships," Matt responded.
"I don't believe that. You just need practice." She leaned forward, her lips brushing against his. He responded, returning the kiss for a moment but then pulled away.
"Abby, I don't know if I can..."
"I'm not Emily. I like romance. I like being with a man who can take care of me, hold me, make love to me, and make me feel alive. I get that you're wary of getting into another relationship – hell, so am I! I've been hurt too, but I'd like to give 'us' a try. We can take it slowly and just see where this goes."
"Even after I made a mess of things?"
"Maybe because you made a mess of things," Abby smiled. "What have we got to lose, eh? We're both broken, Matt. Perhaps we can help each other to mend?"
Matt didn't respond, he dipped his head and tried to untangle his hand from Abby's but she wouldn't allow it. It pained her to see a man who was usually so self confident like this. He was out of his depth. Emily rejecting him and leaving just days after he'd proposed to her had severely knocked his confidence.
"So what do you want to do?" Abby said, trying to sound stern but failing. Her voice cracked, afraid of his answer. "Shall we just forget that we had sex last night and carry on as if it never happened?"
"No," Matt said firmly. "That isn't what I want. Last night was... I'm just feeling very confused right now. The last few weeks with you have been wonderful and your friendship means so much to me. I don't want to risk losing that by getting into something I'm not ready for and making a mess of it."
Abby released his hand and felt a stab of disappointment at his words. "So you just want to be friends?"
"For now. That's if you... after last night..."
"I can do friendship, Matt. You've helped me a lot over the last few weeks and made me realise that I can have a life without Connor being a major part of it. I don't want to lose you either."
"I like you, Abby, and I think we've always had a connection and understood each other. Who knows how this might develop? But, I can't give you what you want right now, and I'll understand if you can't wait for me to be ready."
"I'm in no rush," Abby said softly, leaning in and kissing him gently on the cheek. She could feel tears prickling in her eyes, threatening to fall, so she blinked them away. She couldn't cry now, Matt would feel terrible if he thought he'd upset her. Taking a deep breath, she tried to change the mood.
"Ice cream," she said. "The little shop near the car park sells it. I'd like some."
Relief seemed to wash over Matt's face as he realised Abby was moving the conversation away from their relationship. "That sounds a good idea," he smiled, and stood up. "I'll get it. You stay here. What would you like?"
"I don't mind, you choose."
"Back in a few minutes." He scooted off, and Abby watched him for a few moments, allowing tears to fall down her cheeks when she was certain he was far enough away not to see. Why hadn't she realised the effect Matt was having on her before now? It explained why she was so bothered about him not calling. She was falling for him, and that thought concerned her. Was she setting herself up for more heartbreak with him? What if he would never be ready, or even worse, what if he decided he didn't want a relationship with her when he was ready? And if he did want to try, could she take on another broken soul who needed guidance when it came to relationships? There were so many question and uncertainties, thoughts she would have to put on hold for a while until Matt had got his head together.